We have all read about how America is bleeding money and can't get our heads above the proverbial water. I know this can be fixed and I am willing to back it all up. The government is run by special interest groups that cost money and a lot of it is frivolous at best. So in my attempt to be a good American, I am willing to lend a hand with some practical suggestions.
Legalizing Marijuana
I know this probably sounds like hippie b.s but hear me out. The government has an annual budget of about 19 billion set aside to fund the police and prosecutors to go after marijuana users alone. 19 billion!!! $19,000,000,000!! All in the name to eradicate marijuana. Of course, we annually go well beyond this budget because state and local law enforcement are hyper-vigilant in going after these "dangerous" pot smokers. Why? Because nothing is easier than busting a pot dealer or user. On average there is an estimated 700,000 arrests made involving marijuana alone in America (and that is a conservative figure). Each of those arrests costs an average of about $10,400 and that is before any actual prison time is served. Also, keep in mind that a little over 50% of the arrests involving marijuana are “simple possession” charges which basically mean that someone was smoking a joint or had a little nickel bag in their pocket. Think about that the next time you are pissed that the county won't fix that stupid pothole in your road. Now once the person has been prosecuted and sentenced it costs about $853 million per year per state to house these dangerous felons. The $853 million per state is not even included in that $19 billion budget!! That means that roughly an additional $42 billion is being spent housing potheads per year in America. 19 billion plus 42 billion = $61 billion dollars on weed!!!
It was recently estimated by CBS news in 2009 that the potential tax growth from legalizing "medical" marijuana in California alone was about $1.4 billion. So imagine, if you will, what could happen tax wise if each state did this. I know that states like Vermont and Rhode Island wouldn't pull down that much money because of sheer size but let's say a couple hundred million for those smaller states, and places like New York (population wise) and Texas (size wise) could pull down numbers as big or bigger than California. We could see maybe around $50 to $60 billion per year in state taxes off of marijuana alone. Then we have to look at what the federal government would take too because they can't sit back and watch these states make all the money, they would want their taste of the pie as well. So let’s (conservatively) add another $30 to $40 billion in federal taxes, because we know it would happen. Now we are looking at anywhere from $80 - $100 billion annually in tax dollars made in America, plus we have eliminated the $19 billion in the annual budget to fight marijuana and the $42 billion to house the marijuana offenders and we are looking at nearly $150 billion more than we have right now.
Next, we could look at the economic advantages on a more micro-level. We would have legalized growers making money, new legal workers harvesting and processing the product, and legal distributers out there selling it. There is some more money, not only for the government (because of licensing fees and such), but for the American people who in turn put more money back into our economy. Think about the rise in stock for such companies as Doritos, Hostess Snack Cakes, and Little Debbie. Everyone is stoned and hungry, these products could go through the roof!! Of course these growers, harvesters, distributers, and snack makers all have to pay taxes and that puts more money back to the government. We are now looking at multiple hundreds of billions being put back in to fight the national debt.
Now I know that a lot of people might be thinking, "Well, pot is a gateway drug that leads to more dangerous drugs. How could you possibly be for this?" Here's why, and I want you to think about it. Ask just about any drug abuser what the first substance they did that was bad for them was. I guarantee an insane number probably in the 80 to 90 percent will say cigarettes if they really think about it. Cigarettes are usually the first taboo that many of us break at an early age. We may not be lifelong smokers but most of us at least tried them once when we were younger. Cigarettes, although they are delicious and relaxing at times, are wildly dangerous but highly legal. Why? Because the government makes huge bank off of the taxes imposed on them. Hell, the US government actually pays farmers a subsidy to grow the stuff annually through the US department of Agriculture. Oddly enough, the same building in Washington that houses the Department of Agriculture also houses the same department that is against cigarettes, the Department of Health. Ironic, huh? The difference in cigarettes and marijuana though basically comes down to established norms and traditions in this country. Someone, long ago decided that tobacco was good and marijuana was bad. But, it has become such a normal part of our society that we don't care. We are defiant of all the studies on the harmful effects of tobacco. Worldwide in 2009, 5.4 million people died of tobacco related illness, and 443,000 (est.) died in America, that is something close to one person dying every 6 1/2 minutes due to cigarettes. Yet they are still legal. (As they should be, in my opinion. Because it is all about personal choice for me) You know what the CDC reported about deaths attributed to marijuana? Although, there were no official deaths attributed to marijuana, they said that at best maybe 2-5 people die each year from it in America. So, which is better 443,000 dead people or 2-5 dead people? It seems fairly obvious to me.
The government might one day in the not so distant future outlaw cigarettes because it is becoming less profitable for them. Sure they make billions in tax dollars off of it, but the rising medical costs for the people with smoking related illnesses could eventually catch up and make them break even. If it ever gets to the point where the medical costs outweigh the tax dollars made, then that is when you will see cigarettes banned.
So what have we learned in this first lesson? It costs us roughly $61 billion a year to "fight" marijuana but if it was decriminalized we could potentially make several hundred billion in tax dollars. Cigarettes are legal and kill around 5.4 million worldwide each year, and marijuana is illegal and unofficially kills a handful. Find the logic in that. You're welcome America.
*Note: My numbers may not be 100% correct but they are in the general ballpark give or take a billion or million here and there. I pulled these numbers from a variety of sources including official US government sites that were posted between 2004 and 2010. So please don't correct me if you find a new updated number that is only slightly different than mine, like "Well I found that marijuana actually kills 8 people a year, not 2-5" Shut up, if that is your argument. Only correct me if I am grossly wrong on something.
After 30 years on this floating, rotating rock, I've observed a lot of crap. I find small joys in some of the crap and get pissed about the rest. My happiness comes from writing it out.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sleepy's Guide to Dealing with In-Laws (the Abridged Version)
This is a quick, condensed (yet fairly comprehensive) list of advice of do's and don'ts when it comes to in-laws.
- We've all heard the saying, "take whatever (name) says with a grain of salt." Well with in-laws, the rule is similar but not quite the same: Take (enter in-laws name) with a shot of whiskey. Or a xanax. Or a valium. Or a beer. You get the point. Chances are there will be times that your in-laws will say something demeaning, out of line, or horrid to you. Take it, not with a grain of salt (because really, what is salt going to help?) but with your favorite relaxant or tranquilizer.
- Accept that you are not good enough for the person you married. I know that you are saying, "Sure I am, my in-laws and I get along fine. They like me, I'm a doctor/lawyer/other successful person." I am here to tell you, they do NOT like you. All you have to do to bring out the venom is cross them, disagree with them, or move their "baby" away. The true colors will come out. I promise.
- The only joy or happiness you can give them is a grandchild. After the child is here, you are now rendered useless again. You are no longer capable of making rational or logical decisions for your child or your spouse anymore. They will know what is best because you are stupid. Everything you do with their grandchild is dangerous in their minds because you are incompetent. They do believe that they can do the same exact things you do without it hurting the child, but sense you are an incapable idiot you cannot.
- They are not logical creatures. They cannot be reasoned with because they know no rationale. Any effort you put forth to explain yourself about any topic is all in vain, a big waste of time. All that you can really do to apease them is to shake your head and smile. Sure, you compromise your integrity but at least you get to walk away.
- Control, or at least percieved control, is important to the in-law. They like to know that they can still have some influence over their child, especially if it is influencing them against you. So, tell your spouse to implement the same technique as listed above (nod head & smile technique) if they want to get out of it quickly. If they want to go the route of standing up against the parent, then they need to be prepared for the bombardment of wrongness that will be doused upon them. The in-law, when dealing with their offspring, is not afraid to use guilt or shame to attempt to influence. As a matter of fact, that leads to number 6.
- Guilt and shame are the favorite weapons of the in-law. Sure, they use it primarily to dominate their own offspring but they are not afraid to break it out on you as well. They will guilt you about anything you may have done wrong, but the main weapon is shame. The shame for who you are, what you have done to their precious offspring, they look at you with those eyes knowing what happens behind closed doors and locked bedrooms. Yes, the shame. The shame is like a loaded gun with them.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Dead Rock Star Club...What if they didn't die?
As we have all read by now singer Amy Winehouse died and of course it is sad, but we all saw it coming. Amy joins other 27 year olds who died way before their prime in what is an apparent direct linkage to drugs. Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Brian Jones, and now Winehouse all passed way too early. They were all extremely talented musicians and had a very, very dark side with drugs. We know all that but what a lot of people don't think about is "What would it have been like if some of these musicians were still around?" Would they have stayed popular and relevant? Would they have flamed out and be thought of as just another musician? So as always I have some thoughts on it, and no one will probably like it, but its just me.
Jim Morrison Lead Singer of the Doors - Died of heart faliure in a bathtub in Paris July 3, 1971 - It was already fairly well known that Morrison didn't really want to continue on with The Doors when he died. He was getting more into the blues and writing poetry, both of which he did very well. So what would've happened if he stuck around? Well Jim would've hung out in Paris for a few years writing poetry, performing in coffee houses, and doing heroin with street hookers. After a near death experience in 1978 and with little money left, he contacts his ex-bandmates, the Doors, and tries to plan a reunion. Kreiger and Manzarek are up for it but Densmore wants nothing more to do with Jim, so they hire another drummer and to get up to the times they hire a bass player as well. Now, 1978 was a good time for rock but it was also during the terrible time of disco. Morrison returns to the states and meets up with his old bandmates and they hit the studio. Morrison is in desperate need of money so he wants to make a record that really will sell. He has abandonded his dark side, done away with the blues, and wants to get things "funky". So they record a rock/disco-type record, something that you can dance to and still feel a little rebellious with. They record some reimaginings of their previous hits with a disco beat and changed up lyrics, with such songs as "Break On Through (to the Funky Side)", "Riders of the Love Rollercoaster", "Hyacinth Brick House", and the lone hit "Disco Woman." The album is met with horrid reviews but they tour around with their new material to several disco clubs. They make enough money to sustain for a little while but Morrison feels heartbroken for going down that god-awful road and breaks up the band again in 1980. He becomes a solo artist for the duration of the 80's and also does several collaborations with other relics left from the 60's such as Robert Plant and the Rolling Stones. Plant and Morrison even do an entire blues album together in 1990 called "LedDoor" it recieves mixed reviews and Morrison abrubtly quits the business. He retires to the hills of Los Angeles to write poetry, do acid, and become a hippie activist. No one pays attention to him anymore and everyone calls him a hack, a sellout, and a has been. In 1992, Morrison ends his life successfully when he jumps off the top of the "H" on the Hollywood sign and breaks his neck. When he is found, he is fat, bearded, and with toxic amounts of LSD, heroin, and cocaine in his blood.
Jimi Hendrix - Guitarist - Died choking on his own vomit in 1970 - Hendrix died as one of the most revered guitarists of alltime. He was already a living legend at only 27 years old. So what would've happened if he had stuck around? Hendrix would've continued to play successfully for most of the 1970's, touring with Led Zepplin and the Rolling Stones at times but would've tired out around 1980 when he stated, "The music is so terrible right now, that I feel that I can't continue playing and be appreciated with all of this horrible shit surrounding me." Hendrix would open his own blues club/bar in New Orleans in 1982 and call it "The Red House". It would become a haven for blues musicians all throughout the world and even rival BB King in Memphis. Every so often Hendrix would come out of his office or out from behind the bar, pick up his guitar and get up and jam on stage with whoever he thought worthy. The Red House would grow in popularity through the 80's and in 1991 he was offered the chance of franchising his club to all the major cities across the US and some even in Canada. The Red House became a huge corporate entity with Hendrix as its figurehead. A copy cat club tried to start out franchising in 1992 called the House of Blues but The Red House put them out of business. Hendrix would make appearances at all the Red Houses, and see all of the new talent coming through and would still go up on stage every now and then. In 2002, Hendrix would sell his stake in The Red House franchise for a reported 325 million and retire to his home in New Orleans. At the age of 63, Hendrix was in his mansion as Hurricane Katrina was hitting the coastline. Hendrix reportedly died when the roof of his bedroom was torn off and he was slung into the sky and hit a telephone pole.
Janis Joplin - Lead singer for Big Brother and the Holding Company - died in 1970 of a heroin overdose. It was pretty well know and accepted that Joplin loved to party. She drank incessantly, had sex with men and women at random, and did copious amounts of heroin and other drugs. But she had an amazing voice and loved to perform. So what would've happened if she stuck around? Joplin would continue on her wreckless path throughout the 1970's, missing death by inches on many occasions, but somehow persevered. In, 1978 after touring and partying across the midwest Unitied States, Joplin met a young up and coming Pastor named Ted Haggard. Haggard was younger than Joplin by about 14 years but their chemistry was unmatched. Haggard reportedly helped Joplin come off drugs and by 1983 after years of dating and long after Joplin had left the limelight, they became married. Joplin was a preacher's wife. Never in all of her years did she think she would become this but she loved Ted and couldn't imagine a life without him. Joplin played an integral part in helping Haggard set up his church in Colorado in 1984. Joplin still had plenty of money from royalties coming in from her performing days and built him a massive church. One of the attracting factors for many of the churchgoers was the fact that Joplin would sing hymns before and after the service. Haggard would preach his sermons on the perils of sexual depravity, often using his wife as an example on how to overcome it, and the people would swoon and bring more and more people to church with them. As their church grew, so did their family. Joplin's uterus and cervix were of no use anymore after years of self abuse. So Haggard and Joplin opted to adopt. Over the years they adopted 15 different troubled teenage boys, Haggard and Joplin wanted to help the boys overcome their obstacles. Joplin never found it odd or awkward that they were always teenage boys and mothered them all as her own. In 2006, after 22 years of marriage and 15 adopted teenage boys, a scandal broke out that Haggard had been involved in a sexual relationship with a man. Joplin couldn't believe it, she knew that Haggard was a gay bashing homophobe and that he would never do something like that. She initially stood by her husband but he finally admitted it under increasing pressure from the media. Joplin nearly lost it at that point and became enraged, but Haggard assured her that it was a one time thing. She stayed with him until the first of the 15 teenage boys came forward that Haggard had sex with them on their 18th birthday. Joplin left their home in their minivan and drove to Denver where she knew she could find drugs. Joplin found her old friend heroin and loaded up a dose big enough to knock a cow down and died of an overdose.
Kurt Cobain - Lead Singer for Nirvana - died in 1994 from self inflicted gunshot to the head.
Cobain, like Morrison, was already being rumored to break up his band around the time of his death. Cobain wanted to be alone and do his own thing, maybe do an acoustic album or even write for a living. So what would've happened if he stuck around? Cobain overcame his depression and drug addiction after being forced into rehab for the remainder of 1994. When he was released in 1995, Kurt was a new man. He told Grohl and Novoselic that he appreciated them but wanted to move on with his career into a different direction. He also divorced his wife, drug whore Courtney Love, shortly after his release. Kurt wanted to move on from his past life and take advantage of his new found sobriety. He took the year to write some new material for his comeback album and in 1996 he hit the studio. Unfortunately, he had been out of the spotlight for some time and music had started moving on past the grunge era. Sure Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were still around, but a lot of poppy bands with no soul were starting to sprout up. Cobain later wrote, "I had helped to take down Hair Metal years ago, and by God I will help to bring down this soulless shit pop too." Cobain came back where he left off, he recruited some young talented musicians, and came out with a landmark acoustic album, "Pop Sucks". Initially album sales were modest but with each new release of a boy band or a shitty "rock" group he saw his album sales go up a little more. People were getting so turned off by these horrible bands they knew that they had to go back to the record stores, return the crap that they bought, and get Cobains album. In 1999, still touring from the success of his album he feared that he might be getting stale and made a punk album. The same thing happened with this one, sales started off modest but rose with each new release of shitty music from other "artists." By 2001, Cobain had basically scared off all the up and coming horrible groups like the Backstreet Boys and Nsync. Music was taking a turn fully towards rock again, especially with his release of a "Nirvana" like album that year. He would continue to do this until the current time. Foo Fighters would still be around. Courtney Love would've actually blown her head off. And Nickleback would've been booed off of every stage they set foot on. In 2011, along with Rage Against the Machine, he reunitied Nirvana for a series of soldout shows.
Amy Winehouse - Singer - died of what was probably drug related causes July 23, 2011.
Winehouse was known for her old soulful retro sound. She had a string of highly successful hits including "Rehab" and "You know I'm no good". But she was perhaps better known for her drug use. She was a hard partying drug addict with a failed comeback and a failed stint in rehab. So what would've happened if she stuck around? She would've died on July 24, 2011.
So, those are just some thoughts and theories as to what would've or could've been in music over the past 40 years. Some of it exciting but mostly not. Although I love all of these artists, it was probably about the right time for Morrison and Winehouse, it woud've eventually happened to Joplin with her shitty luck, Hendrix and Cobain went way too early.
Jim Morrison Lead Singer of the Doors - Died of heart faliure in a bathtub in Paris July 3, 1971 - It was already fairly well known that Morrison didn't really want to continue on with The Doors when he died. He was getting more into the blues and writing poetry, both of which he did very well. So what would've happened if he stuck around? Well Jim would've hung out in Paris for a few years writing poetry, performing in coffee houses, and doing heroin with street hookers. After a near death experience in 1978 and with little money left, he contacts his ex-bandmates, the Doors, and tries to plan a reunion. Kreiger and Manzarek are up for it but Densmore wants nothing more to do with Jim, so they hire another drummer and to get up to the times they hire a bass player as well. Now, 1978 was a good time for rock but it was also during the terrible time of disco. Morrison returns to the states and meets up with his old bandmates and they hit the studio. Morrison is in desperate need of money so he wants to make a record that really will sell. He has abandonded his dark side, done away with the blues, and wants to get things "funky". So they record a rock/disco-type record, something that you can dance to and still feel a little rebellious with. They record some reimaginings of their previous hits with a disco beat and changed up lyrics, with such songs as "Break On Through (to the Funky Side)", "Riders of the Love Rollercoaster", "Hyacinth Brick House", and the lone hit "Disco Woman." The album is met with horrid reviews but they tour around with their new material to several disco clubs. They make enough money to sustain for a little while but Morrison feels heartbroken for going down that god-awful road and breaks up the band again in 1980. He becomes a solo artist for the duration of the 80's and also does several collaborations with other relics left from the 60's such as Robert Plant and the Rolling Stones. Plant and Morrison even do an entire blues album together in 1990 called "LedDoor" it recieves mixed reviews and Morrison abrubtly quits the business. He retires to the hills of Los Angeles to write poetry, do acid, and become a hippie activist. No one pays attention to him anymore and everyone calls him a hack, a sellout, and a has been. In 1992, Morrison ends his life successfully when he jumps off the top of the "H" on the Hollywood sign and breaks his neck. When he is found, he is fat, bearded, and with toxic amounts of LSD, heroin, and cocaine in his blood.
Jimi Hendrix - Guitarist - Died choking on his own vomit in 1970 - Hendrix died as one of the most revered guitarists of alltime. He was already a living legend at only 27 years old. So what would've happened if he had stuck around? Hendrix would've continued to play successfully for most of the 1970's, touring with Led Zepplin and the Rolling Stones at times but would've tired out around 1980 when he stated, "The music is so terrible right now, that I feel that I can't continue playing and be appreciated with all of this horrible shit surrounding me." Hendrix would open his own blues club/bar in New Orleans in 1982 and call it "The Red House". It would become a haven for blues musicians all throughout the world and even rival BB King in Memphis. Every so often Hendrix would come out of his office or out from behind the bar, pick up his guitar and get up and jam on stage with whoever he thought worthy. The Red House would grow in popularity through the 80's and in 1991 he was offered the chance of franchising his club to all the major cities across the US and some even in Canada. The Red House became a huge corporate entity with Hendrix as its figurehead. A copy cat club tried to start out franchising in 1992 called the House of Blues but The Red House put them out of business. Hendrix would make appearances at all the Red Houses, and see all of the new talent coming through and would still go up on stage every now and then. In 2002, Hendrix would sell his stake in The Red House franchise for a reported 325 million and retire to his home in New Orleans. At the age of 63, Hendrix was in his mansion as Hurricane Katrina was hitting the coastline. Hendrix reportedly died when the roof of his bedroom was torn off and he was slung into the sky and hit a telephone pole.
Janis Joplin - Lead singer for Big Brother and the Holding Company - died in 1970 of a heroin overdose. It was pretty well know and accepted that Joplin loved to party. She drank incessantly, had sex with men and women at random, and did copious amounts of heroin and other drugs. But she had an amazing voice and loved to perform. So what would've happened if she stuck around? Joplin would continue on her wreckless path throughout the 1970's, missing death by inches on many occasions, but somehow persevered. In, 1978 after touring and partying across the midwest Unitied States, Joplin met a young up and coming Pastor named Ted Haggard. Haggard was younger than Joplin by about 14 years but their chemistry was unmatched. Haggard reportedly helped Joplin come off drugs and by 1983 after years of dating and long after Joplin had left the limelight, they became married. Joplin was a preacher's wife. Never in all of her years did she think she would become this but she loved Ted and couldn't imagine a life without him. Joplin played an integral part in helping Haggard set up his church in Colorado in 1984. Joplin still had plenty of money from royalties coming in from her performing days and built him a massive church. One of the attracting factors for many of the churchgoers was the fact that Joplin would sing hymns before and after the service. Haggard would preach his sermons on the perils of sexual depravity, often using his wife as an example on how to overcome it, and the people would swoon and bring more and more people to church with them. As their church grew, so did their family. Joplin's uterus and cervix were of no use anymore after years of self abuse. So Haggard and Joplin opted to adopt. Over the years they adopted 15 different troubled teenage boys, Haggard and Joplin wanted to help the boys overcome their obstacles. Joplin never found it odd or awkward that they were always teenage boys and mothered them all as her own. In 2006, after 22 years of marriage and 15 adopted teenage boys, a scandal broke out that Haggard had been involved in a sexual relationship with a man. Joplin couldn't believe it, she knew that Haggard was a gay bashing homophobe and that he would never do something like that. She initially stood by her husband but he finally admitted it under increasing pressure from the media. Joplin nearly lost it at that point and became enraged, but Haggard assured her that it was a one time thing. She stayed with him until the first of the 15 teenage boys came forward that Haggard had sex with them on their 18th birthday. Joplin left their home in their minivan and drove to Denver where she knew she could find drugs. Joplin found her old friend heroin and loaded up a dose big enough to knock a cow down and died of an overdose.
Kurt Cobain - Lead Singer for Nirvana - died in 1994 from self inflicted gunshot to the head.
Cobain, like Morrison, was already being rumored to break up his band around the time of his death. Cobain wanted to be alone and do his own thing, maybe do an acoustic album or even write for a living. So what would've happened if he stuck around? Cobain overcame his depression and drug addiction after being forced into rehab for the remainder of 1994. When he was released in 1995, Kurt was a new man. He told Grohl and Novoselic that he appreciated them but wanted to move on with his career into a different direction. He also divorced his wife, drug whore Courtney Love, shortly after his release. Kurt wanted to move on from his past life and take advantage of his new found sobriety. He took the year to write some new material for his comeback album and in 1996 he hit the studio. Unfortunately, he had been out of the spotlight for some time and music had started moving on past the grunge era. Sure Pearl Jam and Soundgarden were still around, but a lot of poppy bands with no soul were starting to sprout up. Cobain later wrote, "I had helped to take down Hair Metal years ago, and by God I will help to bring down this soulless shit pop too." Cobain came back where he left off, he recruited some young talented musicians, and came out with a landmark acoustic album, "Pop Sucks". Initially album sales were modest but with each new release of a boy band or a shitty "rock" group he saw his album sales go up a little more. People were getting so turned off by these horrible bands they knew that they had to go back to the record stores, return the crap that they bought, and get Cobains album. In 1999, still touring from the success of his album he feared that he might be getting stale and made a punk album. The same thing happened with this one, sales started off modest but rose with each new release of shitty music from other "artists." By 2001, Cobain had basically scared off all the up and coming horrible groups like the Backstreet Boys and Nsync. Music was taking a turn fully towards rock again, especially with his release of a "Nirvana" like album that year. He would continue to do this until the current time. Foo Fighters would still be around. Courtney Love would've actually blown her head off. And Nickleback would've been booed off of every stage they set foot on. In 2011, along with Rage Against the Machine, he reunitied Nirvana for a series of soldout shows.
Amy Winehouse - Singer - died of what was probably drug related causes July 23, 2011.
Winehouse was known for her old soulful retro sound. She had a string of highly successful hits including "Rehab" and "You know I'm no good". But she was perhaps better known for her drug use. She was a hard partying drug addict with a failed comeback and a failed stint in rehab. So what would've happened if she stuck around? She would've died on July 24, 2011.
So, those are just some thoughts and theories as to what would've or could've been in music over the past 40 years. Some of it exciting but mostly not. Although I love all of these artists, it was probably about the right time for Morrison and Winehouse, it woud've eventually happened to Joplin with her shitty luck, Hendrix and Cobain went way too early.
Friday, July 22, 2011
The Truth is there is No Reality
We see "reality" tv on every channel now. Every occupation can have a "reality" show from Socialites with sex tapes to Alaskan Crab Fishermen. I know that everyone in the TV industry makes these because they are cheaper to do than sitcoms or dramas but I feel like the producers are shitting on our intelligence. The fact that some of these shows not only make it to the air but actually thrive makes me want to shove my head in a hole in the ground and cry. Ryan Seacrest is the anti-christ. He sits in his office and, since he has become so insanely successful, comes up with the most insane, lame, tired ass ideas and has everyone running around trying to apease him. His associates would probably agree with any "reality" idea he came up with. He could pitch an idea for a show about taking homeless bag ladies off the street, insemenating them with the seed of Mel Gibson, give them a home in Beverly Hills, follow them around for the duration of their pregnancy, do a four camera shoot of the birth, take the baby away, have it adopted by a transgendered black Jewish couple, and kick the formerly homeless woman back out on to the street or shoot her in the head and networks would be clamoring for the chance at taking this reality show on just because Seacrest came up with it. And you know what, the show would probably be just as popular as the warmed over pile of cat feces called the Kardashians.
Why do we watch these shows? Why are any of us intrigued by them? I don't know but we are all making Kim Kardashian $35 million a year because we watch her and her dumb sisters on E! Before we know it her and Seacrest are going to join forces in a Mega-Marriage, call themselves the Sea-dashians, and take over the entire world. Could you imagine what would happen if those two were married? They would make super annoying, super hot little offspring who would also get their own shows and we would be stuck in the endless cycle of Sea-dashians.
There are plenty of good, interesting shows on TV but they get lost in the shuffle of crap offered up by Lifetime, Bravo, and E! Breaking Bad is good. The Soprano's was great. Dexter is brilliant. Mad Men is (from what I hear) excellent (but I don't know because I can't find it because all the damn reality crap on every channel). Everyone needs to ban together and stop watching the Kardashians, The Bachelor, Hardcore Pawn, Dog the Felony Bounty Hunter, and the stupid, spoiled Housewives of where ever. If we all vow to boycott these terrible shows and start watching shows that were actually written by smart people. Dumb people who think you are dumb are the ones writing and coming up with these reality shows. They think that you are stupid and that you will watch whatever heaping pile of fetal pig vomit they put in front of you. Prove them wrong! Turn off the crap and turn on HBO. Watch a documentary about something you know nothing about. Do something to put these shows out of business....unless you want your children to be "Keeping up with the Sea-Dashians"
Why do we watch these shows? Why are any of us intrigued by them? I don't know but we are all making Kim Kardashian $35 million a year because we watch her and her dumb sisters on E! Before we know it her and Seacrest are going to join forces in a Mega-Marriage, call themselves the Sea-dashians, and take over the entire world. Could you imagine what would happen if those two were married? They would make super annoying, super hot little offspring who would also get their own shows and we would be stuck in the endless cycle of Sea-dashians.
There are plenty of good, interesting shows on TV but they get lost in the shuffle of crap offered up by Lifetime, Bravo, and E! Breaking Bad is good. The Soprano's was great. Dexter is brilliant. Mad Men is (from what I hear) excellent (but I don't know because I can't find it because all the damn reality crap on every channel). Everyone needs to ban together and stop watching the Kardashians, The Bachelor, Hardcore Pawn, Dog the Felony Bounty Hunter, and the stupid, spoiled Housewives of where ever. If we all vow to boycott these terrible shows and start watching shows that were actually written by smart people. Dumb people who think you are dumb are the ones writing and coming up with these reality shows. They think that you are stupid and that you will watch whatever heaping pile of fetal pig vomit they put in front of you. Prove them wrong! Turn off the crap and turn on HBO. Watch a documentary about something you know nothing about. Do something to put these shows out of business....unless you want your children to be "Keeping up with the Sea-Dashians"
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Love Songs are Not Always Love Songs
Okay so I heard a nauseating song on the radio today that reminded me of something that always irritated the hell out of me back in high school. The song was the ever sappy “I will Always love you” by Whitney Houston. There never seemed to be a high school dance that did not include this song and it was usually dedicated by a guy to his girl. The freaking song was about Whitney Houston leaving Kevin Costner!! I am all for dedications because with the right song it can be sweet and very meaningful but in so many cases, it just wasn’t. People always seemed to miss the actual meaning of a song and ended up dedicating a break up song or a song that really didn’t pertain to their situation at all. So I wanted to run down a list of songs that seemed to fit this bill from our era and a few from other eras that are so grossly misunderstood that it is actually kind of funny. Keep in mind I am not saying that all of these songs are bad, as a matter of fact, many of them are quite good but have just been taken out of context. I have included the videos for you to see and listen for yourself.
“Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
This song, as pretty as it is, really has nothing in the world to do with love between two teenagers but yet many of us groped our “loved” ones at dances back in the day to this song. The song is actually talking about a woman who is having a hard time and has met many obstacles in life along the way. She finds comfort through spirituality and she never references a guy or love or anything like that. It is actually a painfully depressing song, so I always found it funny when people at dances would dedicate this song to their boyfriend/girlfriend of the week. Chances are the person that they were dating was not an angel and the only comfort they provided was heavy petting and hot makeout sessions.
“More Than Words” by Extreme
Another song that I actually like but I think the meaning was lost on a lot of people (at the time including me) The song was co-written by the guitarist Neno Bettencourt in what was rumored to be his expression of love for lead singer Gary Cherone, unbeknownst to him. I am not in any way a homophobic person, I just think it is funny that this song was partially written for the guy singing it and he had no clue. Anyway looking past that part of the song, the song itself is kind of like an ultimatum. The guy is saying that he wants his lover to say more than just “I love you” and show him some physical affection. Nothing wrong with that. But it is how he follows it up with saying that basically if the “lover” doesn’t give him some action then he will take his love away. Damn, that’s harsh. “Put out or we’re through!!” could have been a good name for the song. Which now thinking about it, it might actually be a pretty good representation of many high school “relationships” Anyway, on with the list!
“Crash into Me” by Dave Matthews Band
Don’t get me wrong, I love this song, and if you listen to just the first couple of verses then it is a perfect love song but when you get to the last part of the song it turns into a creepy voyeuristic Peeping Tom/stalker type thing. The song starts off and you think “Oh, he is just so dedicated to this girl!” with his seemingly sweet lyrics of “Sweet like candy to my soul/sweet you rock/sweet you roll” and “Touch your lips just so I know/in your eyes, love, it glows.” All that sounds really nice and sweet, right? Well that all kind of goes to the wayside when Matthews sings “Oh I watch you there/through the window and I stare at you/You wear nothing but you wear it so well/tied up and twisted/ the way I like to be” I think it is a clever song to say the least but unless you are dedicating this song to the woman that you watch through her window while you sit naked in the bushes then this is probably not a good song to spring on someone you love. Really what would you say if the guy you are dating said this song makes him think of you? “Oh, how sweet! You like to watch me undress while I am blissfully unaware. You are the sweetest!!”
“As Long as You Love Me” by Backstreet Boys
Ahh, finally a song that I truly hate. This song was one of many really bad “love” songs by the Orlando-based sugar factory known as the Backstreet Boys. Every song they ever had was one of two things: 1) It was a whiny, sappy plea for love or 2) The song was about how awesome they were. But I digress, this song would have been bad even if it was written and performed by the Beatles. The whole song is basically about lowering your standards for finding someone to love or more accurately having no standards at all. Just read the chorus and you will see what I mean: “I don’t care who you are/where you’re from/what you did/As long as you love me.” So….see what I mean? They didn’t care if a hump-backed disfigured child murderer loved them. “It’s cool, as long as you love me.” No wonder so many girls back then dated assholes. I remember hearing this at dances and looking around and all the girls were happily dancing and singing along every word of this song and thinking, “Really?? You will take whoever will love you? You’re hot, have some standards.”
“Wannabe” by Spice Girls
Though I am not sure if this was classified as a love song, I sure remember the hell being played out of this song at dances and once again all the girls dancing around and singing it. This song could possibly be the biggest reason for high school infidelity during our time. Why you ask? Well because all of the girls were singing “If you want to be my lover, then you gotta get with my friends” to all the guys. Guys take things pretty literally sometimes, so I am sure there was someone that wanted a girl and in order to get her he felt that he had to go through all of her friends first. I wonder if while they were writing this song if the following conversation happened,
Spice Girl #1 “Hey, other Spice Girls, don’t you think its kind of silly for us to ask guys to sleep with all of our friends before getting with us?
Spice Girl #2, #3, and #4 all look thoroughly confused and just giggle until they forgot what they were talking about.
This is why all the crap that was put out during that time were so bad. No one ever gave a thought to what they were singing or saying, and apparently no ever thought while they were listening either.
“Lightning Crashes” by Live
This song confused the crap out of me. I mean I understood what the song was about, to me that was clear. But I couldn’t understand at all why 1) it was being played at a high school dance and 2) why would anyone be stupid enough to consider this a “love” song. I am sure most people I know did not consider this to be a love song but I distinctly remember this song being played at least 3 or 4 times as a dedication. What the hell? The song is about a new mother having a new baby and an old mother dying in its place. Where is the romance in that? New babies and dead mothers = Love?
There are a crap load more but these were just the really big standouts to me. What does all this prove? Not much really. It just shows that when we were young, we were stupid. Our parents probably looked at our generation the same way we are looking at our kids thinking, "Can they just not listen to the words and figure this out?"
“Angel” by Sarah McLachlan
This song, as pretty as it is, really has nothing in the world to do with love between two teenagers but yet many of us groped our “loved” ones at dances back in the day to this song. The song is actually talking about a woman who is having a hard time and has met many obstacles in life along the way. She finds comfort through spirituality and she never references a guy or love or anything like that. It is actually a painfully depressing song, so I always found it funny when people at dances would dedicate this song to their boyfriend/girlfriend of the week. Chances are the person that they were dating was not an angel and the only comfort they provided was heavy petting and hot makeout sessions.
“More Than Words” by Extreme
Another song that I actually like but I think the meaning was lost on a lot of people (at the time including me) The song was co-written by the guitarist Neno Bettencourt in what was rumored to be his expression of love for lead singer Gary Cherone, unbeknownst to him. I am not in any way a homophobic person, I just think it is funny that this song was partially written for the guy singing it and he had no clue. Anyway looking past that part of the song, the song itself is kind of like an ultimatum. The guy is saying that he wants his lover to say more than just “I love you” and show him some physical affection. Nothing wrong with that. But it is how he follows it up with saying that basically if the “lover” doesn’t give him some action then he will take his love away. Damn, that’s harsh. “Put out or we’re through!!” could have been a good name for the song. Which now thinking about it, it might actually be a pretty good representation of many high school “relationships” Anyway, on with the list!
“Crash into Me” by Dave Matthews Band
Don’t get me wrong, I love this song, and if you listen to just the first couple of verses then it is a perfect love song but when you get to the last part of the song it turns into a creepy voyeuristic Peeping Tom/stalker type thing. The song starts off and you think “Oh, he is just so dedicated to this girl!” with his seemingly sweet lyrics of “Sweet like candy to my soul/sweet you rock/sweet you roll” and “Touch your lips just so I know/in your eyes, love, it glows.” All that sounds really nice and sweet, right? Well that all kind of goes to the wayside when Matthews sings “Oh I watch you there/through the window and I stare at you/You wear nothing but you wear it so well/tied up and twisted/ the way I like to be” I think it is a clever song to say the least but unless you are dedicating this song to the woman that you watch through her window while you sit naked in the bushes then this is probably not a good song to spring on someone you love. Really what would you say if the guy you are dating said this song makes him think of you? “Oh, how sweet! You like to watch me undress while I am blissfully unaware. You are the sweetest!!”
“As Long as You Love Me” by Backstreet Boys
Ahh, finally a song that I truly hate. This song was one of many really bad “love” songs by the Orlando-based sugar factory known as the Backstreet Boys. Every song they ever had was one of two things: 1) It was a whiny, sappy plea for love or 2) The song was about how awesome they were. But I digress, this song would have been bad even if it was written and performed by the Beatles. The whole song is basically about lowering your standards for finding someone to love or more accurately having no standards at all. Just read the chorus and you will see what I mean: “I don’t care who you are/where you’re from/what you did/As long as you love me.” So….see what I mean? They didn’t care if a hump-backed disfigured child murderer loved them. “It’s cool, as long as you love me.” No wonder so many girls back then dated assholes. I remember hearing this at dances and looking around and all the girls were happily dancing and singing along every word of this song and thinking, “Really?? You will take whoever will love you? You’re hot, have some standards.”
“Wannabe” by Spice Girls
Though I am not sure if this was classified as a love song, I sure remember the hell being played out of this song at dances and once again all the girls dancing around and singing it. This song could possibly be the biggest reason for high school infidelity during our time. Why you ask? Well because all of the girls were singing “If you want to be my lover, then you gotta get with my friends” to all the guys. Guys take things pretty literally sometimes, so I am sure there was someone that wanted a girl and in order to get her he felt that he had to go through all of her friends first. I wonder if while they were writing this song if the following conversation happened,
Spice Girl #1 “Hey, other Spice Girls, don’t you think its kind of silly for us to ask guys to sleep with all of our friends before getting with us?
Spice Girl #2, #3, and #4 all look thoroughly confused and just giggle until they forgot what they were talking about.
This is why all the crap that was put out during that time were so bad. No one ever gave a thought to what they were singing or saying, and apparently no ever thought while they were listening either.
“Lightning Crashes” by Live
This song confused the crap out of me. I mean I understood what the song was about, to me that was clear. But I couldn’t understand at all why 1) it was being played at a high school dance and 2) why would anyone be stupid enough to consider this a “love” song. I am sure most people I know did not consider this to be a love song but I distinctly remember this song being played at least 3 or 4 times as a dedication. What the hell? The song is about a new mother having a new baby and an old mother dying in its place. Where is the romance in that? New babies and dead mothers = Love?
There are a crap load more but these were just the really big standouts to me. What does all this prove? Not much really. It just shows that when we were young, we were stupid. Our parents probably looked at our generation the same way we are looking at our kids thinking, "Can they just not listen to the words and figure this out?"
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Grammatical English Rapists....aka people who cannot type or spell
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| It's all their fault |
But here are the two sub-sets of Grammatical English Rapists that I cannot stand, the people that irritate me on a daily basis when I see what they type.
- The people who misspell on purpose and alternate capital letters with lowercase letters. Obviously they are attention whores who have nothing of any value to say. I will give an actual example of this pulled from a FB friend that I guarantee will not read this anyway, "aight mane im soo tired of these fake ass lil boys tryn to act like dat bout sumthin when da really not hahaha bet dat" I have no idea what this person is saying. My wife and I get such a kick out of reading his statuses, I will often do a dramatic reading of them to make the effect all the better. I am not kidding this came directly from a FB status post.
- The people who have a lot of self-righteous talk or are always complaining about social/political situations but cannot spell half the things that they are saying. Like I said I understand typos happen, but when every other word is grossly misspelled it kind of loses its message. It would be like if the President had a really great and important message that he decided to publish in every newspaper and social media site and half of the words were misspelled...badly. A person's credibility on whatever it is that they are talking about goes right out the window when they are typing/spelling like my 4 year old. I'm not going to post a whole status of this person because they might actually read this and I am not out to hurt a person's feelings directly (but the only reason this person would read this would be so that he/she could disagree with me). Here are a couple of snippets and examples of his/her word rape: solatude (solitude), admireing (admiring), dume (doom), prisidential, (presidential), comunist (communist), inocent (innocent), spues (spews). I could go on and on but I think you can get the point here. Please do take notice that all of these are strong words.
Monday, July 18, 2011
How to Watch Crappy Movies that You Don't Give a Damn About
I am an unabashed, unapologetic, movie snob. I have been this way ever since I saw "Pulp Fiction" back in 1994 at the age of 13. I hate romantic comedies (Anything with Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez where they are the main star like "The Bounty Hunter" "The Wedding Planner" etc.), I hate "over the top" action movies (Transformers, Jason Statham movies, etc.), I hate movies about cars (Fast and Furious series), and I hate "fantasy" movies that require everyone to speak in a fake British accent (it's hard for me to name any of these because I really haven't watched them but think along the lines of "Lord of the Rings" and that's what I'm talking about). I vowed long ago that I was not going to subject myself to those movies because there was better stuff out there that didn't have to make me feel ashamed.
Well, add a wife and three kids and that vow was tossed out the window. My wife loves RomComs, she thinks Jennifer Aniston is wonderful, and if the trailer for a movie involves a guy and a girl overcoming some sort of obstacle to be together then sign her (us) up. She also, oddly enough, enjoys a good "over the top" action movie every now and then, although I will give her credit she is at least picky about these (except the Fast and Furious franchise). My kids love anything that is magical, that involves swords, wizards, dragons, and fake/real British accents. They also love superhero/crazy action movies. I have actually grown to like a couple of the superhero movies like the X-Men movies, 4 of the Batman movies (the one with the Governator never happened in my mind), and Iron Man. Those are all okay with me. But what this is leading me up to is this: I vowed to never, ever watch a Harry Potter or Transformer movie and over the past two weeks I have done both.
Charter offered up one of the Transformer movies OnDemand the other day and the kids were stoked. "Please, please, please, Transformers look awesome. Can we watch that?" they screamed. Begrudgingly, I agreed. The reason I have wanted to avoid those was because it was directed by quite possibly the worst director in history, Micheal Bay. Everything he does is based on explosions, destruction, and a weak love story. I had seen the trailers for Transformers and it looked exactly what everyone of his other movies looked like except with giant robots. I had avoided seeing these from the start and had planned to live out the rest of my days this way, but the kids had other plans. I sat down to watch it and in complete nonsuprising fashion, it was exactly what I expected. I had no idea what was happening. All the robots fighting looked the same to me, I couldn't tell who was the good guy and who was the bad guy. It all looked like a giant mix of metallic parts being thrown against each other really hard. A lot of shit exploded, they destroyed the entire Middle East, and the main guy kissed Megan Fox at the end. That was it, I predicted everything before it happened because it followed the formula for all crappy action flicks. I even pointed out to the kids, "Don't you find it odd that these giant robots just killed like 100 soldiers and countless Egyptians but all the remaining soldiers rush to the aid of the main character when he falls down?" That part bothered me more than anything, I think. There were dead and injured people all around but when Shia fell down eveyone rushed to his aid, probably stepping over the bodies of other injured people in the process. The irony was lost on the kids but they are kids so they don't care about stuff like logic and solid storylines.
Next was the dreaded Harry Potter movie. I know that everyone loves this but me, everyone has read all the books but me, and that everyone understands but me. The kids happened to come across one of the first movies on TV one night and they were hooked. I figured that it was fine as long as I didn't have to watch it. But, I didn't realize that there was going to be a new one being released soon and that I would be expected to take them to see it. When they saw the trailer for the new Potter movie, they both squealed like little girls in delight and immediately begged me to take them to it. Not wanting to be a mean, crappy dad, I agreed. I took them the other day, with ZERO prior knowledge about the series for myself, and sat and watched the entire 2 and a half hour movie. I thought prior that the Transformer movie was confusing but it was nothing compared to watching a Harry Potter movie without knowing anything about it....at all. I tried to make it fun for myself by envisioning some of the older actors in some of their previous roles placed into the movie. It had Alan Rickman playing some Wizard teacher, so instead I envisioned him as the villian from the first Die Hard, Hans Gruber, and it worked a lot better. It sort of had Helena Bonham Carter in it, and I'm not really sure what she was doing but I thought of her as Marla Singer from Fight Club, chain smoking, being a complete wreck and not caring about anything. I noticied that Ralph Fiennes had lost his nose and all of his hair, so I pretended that he was still that evil Nazi from Schindler's List, it actually worked better that way and made more sense. And I saw Maggie Smith as the nun from Sister Act, which was much more fun to look at her that way.
I am not saying that it was a horrible movie because I had no frame of reference going into it. For all I know, it was a great movie (for Potterheads). But I am glad that I found my own way to enjoy it. Since I have gotten older and have had to watch movies that I would've never watched in the first place, I have made my own ways of having fun while watching them. Here are some guidelines for those of you stuck in a movie that you hate, they work for me and perhaps could work for you too.
Well, add a wife and three kids and that vow was tossed out the window. My wife loves RomComs, she thinks Jennifer Aniston is wonderful, and if the trailer for a movie involves a guy and a girl overcoming some sort of obstacle to be together then sign her (us) up. She also, oddly enough, enjoys a good "over the top" action movie every now and then, although I will give her credit she is at least picky about these (except the Fast and Furious franchise). My kids love anything that is magical, that involves swords, wizards, dragons, and fake/real British accents. They also love superhero/crazy action movies. I have actually grown to like a couple of the superhero movies like the X-Men movies, 4 of the Batman movies (the one with the Governator never happened in my mind), and Iron Man. Those are all okay with me. But what this is leading me up to is this: I vowed to never, ever watch a Harry Potter or Transformer movie and over the past two weeks I have done both.
Charter offered up one of the Transformer movies OnDemand the other day and the kids were stoked. "Please, please, please, Transformers look awesome. Can we watch that?" they screamed. Begrudgingly, I agreed. The reason I have wanted to avoid those was because it was directed by quite possibly the worst director in history, Micheal Bay. Everything he does is based on explosions, destruction, and a weak love story. I had seen the trailers for Transformers and it looked exactly what everyone of his other movies looked like except with giant robots. I had avoided seeing these from the start and had planned to live out the rest of my days this way, but the kids had other plans. I sat down to watch it and in complete nonsuprising fashion, it was exactly what I expected. I had no idea what was happening. All the robots fighting looked the same to me, I couldn't tell who was the good guy and who was the bad guy. It all looked like a giant mix of metallic parts being thrown against each other really hard. A lot of shit exploded, they destroyed the entire Middle East, and the main guy kissed Megan Fox at the end. That was it, I predicted everything before it happened because it followed the formula for all crappy action flicks. I even pointed out to the kids, "Don't you find it odd that these giant robots just killed like 100 soldiers and countless Egyptians but all the remaining soldiers rush to the aid of the main character when he falls down?" That part bothered me more than anything, I think. There were dead and injured people all around but when Shia fell down eveyone rushed to his aid, probably stepping over the bodies of other injured people in the process. The irony was lost on the kids but they are kids so they don't care about stuff like logic and solid storylines.
Next was the dreaded Harry Potter movie. I know that everyone loves this but me, everyone has read all the books but me, and that everyone understands but me. The kids happened to come across one of the first movies on TV one night and they were hooked. I figured that it was fine as long as I didn't have to watch it. But, I didn't realize that there was going to be a new one being released soon and that I would be expected to take them to see it. When they saw the trailer for the new Potter movie, they both squealed like little girls in delight and immediately begged me to take them to it. Not wanting to be a mean, crappy dad, I agreed. I took them the other day, with ZERO prior knowledge about the series for myself, and sat and watched the entire 2 and a half hour movie. I thought prior that the Transformer movie was confusing but it was nothing compared to watching a Harry Potter movie without knowing anything about it....at all. I tried to make it fun for myself by envisioning some of the older actors in some of their previous roles placed into the movie. It had Alan Rickman playing some Wizard teacher, so instead I envisioned him as the villian from the first Die Hard, Hans Gruber, and it worked a lot better. It sort of had Helena Bonham Carter in it, and I'm not really sure what she was doing but I thought of her as Marla Singer from Fight Club, chain smoking, being a complete wreck and not caring about anything. I noticied that Ralph Fiennes had lost his nose and all of his hair, so I pretended that he was still that evil Nazi from Schindler's List, it actually worked better that way and made more sense. And I saw Maggie Smith as the nun from Sister Act, which was much more fun to look at her that way.
I am not saying that it was a horrible movie because I had no frame of reference going into it. For all I know, it was a great movie (for Potterheads). But I am glad that I found my own way to enjoy it. Since I have gotten older and have had to watch movies that I would've never watched in the first place, I have made my own ways of having fun while watching them. Here are some guidelines for those of you stuck in a movie that you hate, they work for me and perhaps could work for you too.
- If it is a RomCom, the best way to "enjoy" these is by predicting everthing that is going to happen in the movie. It works well in two different ways. One method is predicting the whole thing before it even starts. All RomComs follow the same, exact formula so it's pretty easy to do. The other way to do the predicting is to make the prediciton right before whatever happens. For example, Matthew McConaughey gets stuck in a situation with Kate Hudson and they are acting like they despise one another. Well at that point you can shout out, "They are going to have sex within the next 2 minutes!!" Because thats part of the formula, if two characters seem to not really like each other and are in an argument, 9 times out of 10 they will start to passionately make out.
- During "over the top" action movies, you can always count on some good cheesy, cliche, one liners to come out of Vin Diesel's or whoever's mouths. The fun part is getting to see when the lines are used. Some good examples are, "I don't have time to bleed." "I have to do this, they are counting on me." or "I'm getting too old for this." Other fun cliches to watch for are everyone of the bad guys are terrible shooters (they never hit their mark), an abnormally hot female lead will get into trouble that only our hero can get her out of, the villian never dies on the first try, and a car chase through what would normally be deadlocked traffic but for whatever reason the streets are clear enough to manuever around in. Checking off the cliches in action movies is my favorite part to do.
- And if it is one of the odd "fantasy" type films or really any of the above mentioned movie, it can be fun to do what I did in the Harry Potter movie. Just take whatever actor it is and imagine them in the same movie but as one of their characters from another movie. Whenever I have to see Gerard Butler in some crappy RomCom, I like to think of him as King Leonidus from "300" fighting with Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigel.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
There are no Scars to show for Happiness
I was looking at some quotes from my favorite author, Chuck Palauhniuk and he always has some great wisdom to give for just about any situation. I came across one of my favorites and damn, if it isn't one of the truest things ever wrote. He said, "It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness.
We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
I feel this way with a lot of things that happen in our lives from day to day, and time to time. Its kind of like how a tornado can level a whole town to nothing but debris in a matter of moments and yet it can take months or even a year to fix the damage done. Many aspects of life are like this, friendships, relationships, family matters, and parenthood. A thousand moments of peace, sweetness, and happiness can be erased in a moment with a wrong word spoken, a moment of frustration, or a flash of anger.
I try to remember and hold onto those beautiful, peaceful moments. I try to grasp them but they can quickly be pushed away with a giant scar of pain. We always remember pain. Not just physical pain, but emotional pain. Physical pain can be healed, it is temporary, and it can usually be alleveated fairly easily. Emotional pain, there is no true cure for. You cannot put a band aid on it, you can't rub some ointment to make it go away, its there and it stays with you for a long time. It scars you. Sure you can numb the pain with chemicals and you can make it feel better for a few moments but it never heals. It is always there staring at you like an ugly sore.
I wish that we had something to show for happiness. Perhaps our own little beautiful scar, a mark of a happy moment. But like Denis Leary said, "Happiness only comes in small doses." It is so intangible, fragile, almost untouchable. Anything above a whisper and it can be gone. The small quick bursts of anger or frustration are equated to a tornado to me, it decimates everything in an instant, left with only some small remanants and fragments of happiness to hopefully rebuild with.
Right now I feel like I am a lone survivor with a few tools to rebuild with, I am standing on the edge of pain looking over the horizon for happiness. I can see it, but don't know where to start rebuilding at. A million little fragments scattered about for me to put back together again.
Usually in my little blogs I try to be funny or poignant and sometimes absurd, but not tonight. Tonight, I want to say that we need to hold onto those moments of happiness, hold onto them tightly, make a note, anything so that you don't lose sight of it. No one wants to look inside and see the scars of pain and disappointment, but you do need to make sure and remember it and learn from it. That is what those scars are for, for remembrance, for a learning tool of a time that you screwed up and hurt yourself.
We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
I feel this way with a lot of things that happen in our lives from day to day, and time to time. Its kind of like how a tornado can level a whole town to nothing but debris in a matter of moments and yet it can take months or even a year to fix the damage done. Many aspects of life are like this, friendships, relationships, family matters, and parenthood. A thousand moments of peace, sweetness, and happiness can be erased in a moment with a wrong word spoken, a moment of frustration, or a flash of anger.
I try to remember and hold onto those beautiful, peaceful moments. I try to grasp them but they can quickly be pushed away with a giant scar of pain. We always remember pain. Not just physical pain, but emotional pain. Physical pain can be healed, it is temporary, and it can usually be alleveated fairly easily. Emotional pain, there is no true cure for. You cannot put a band aid on it, you can't rub some ointment to make it go away, its there and it stays with you for a long time. It scars you. Sure you can numb the pain with chemicals and you can make it feel better for a few moments but it never heals. It is always there staring at you like an ugly sore.
I wish that we had something to show for happiness. Perhaps our own little beautiful scar, a mark of a happy moment. But like Denis Leary said, "Happiness only comes in small doses." It is so intangible, fragile, almost untouchable. Anything above a whisper and it can be gone. The small quick bursts of anger or frustration are equated to a tornado to me, it decimates everything in an instant, left with only some small remanants and fragments of happiness to hopefully rebuild with.
Right now I feel like I am a lone survivor with a few tools to rebuild with, I am standing on the edge of pain looking over the horizon for happiness. I can see it, but don't know where to start rebuilding at. A million little fragments scattered about for me to put back together again.
Usually in my little blogs I try to be funny or poignant and sometimes absurd, but not tonight. Tonight, I want to say that we need to hold onto those moments of happiness, hold onto them tightly, make a note, anything so that you don't lose sight of it. No one wants to look inside and see the scars of pain and disappointment, but you do need to make sure and remember it and learn from it. That is what those scars are for, for remembrance, for a learning tool of a time that you screwed up and hurt yourself.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
All Kids Shows are written by People on Drugs
Since it is summer and I have three boys, I have endured a lot of kids TV at night. I try not to notice it because all the shows sound terrible but every now and then I will sit down with them to see what is eating away at their little brains.
My smallest kid is obsessed with a show called "Ben 10". The main character is "cleverly" named Ben Tennason. He finds a magical watch that will turn him into any one of (big suprise coming) 10 aliens by hitting a button on his watch. He is joined by his grandpa, who oddly enough sees nothing really odd about all of this, and some girl whom I assume is his sister (I assume his parents are either dead or they don't care that their kids are always on the road with good ol Gramps, the show never tells) They travel around in their Grandpa's Winnebago getting into all sorts of alien mischeif because Ben wears this Alien Changing Watch and every other alien wants it. They all almost die in every episode but it never seems to occur to ol' Gramps to tell his grandson to take the stupid watch off so they can quit getting attacked by aliens every other day.
Since Asher has gotten a little older he has abandoned some of his other LSD cartoons and shows. He used to watch "Yo Gabba Gabba" which was the ultimate "You know the creators are all high" shows of all time. Its right up there with "HR PuffinStuff". Yo Gabba Gabba is about a DJ who wears an orange leotard and has five toys in his little "briefcase" kind of thing that he allows to come to life each day. These toys are a green hairy midget with abnormally long arms, a robot who has all the answers in his belly, a dog/wolf thing (I'm not sure) who just kind of hangs out, a pink flower pot who loves flowers, and a giant red studded vibrator who seems to be the dumb one of the bunch. They teach each other lessons about health and manners. But two of the worst/best/trippy things about the show are the songs that they sing to promote whatever message it is they are trying to convey that day and their horrible dance lessons which incorporate little kids stuck in a psychedlic world of crayon drawings. One of the "best" songs is about eating, its called "There's a Party in my Tummy" and it is basically the Green Midget thing eating different vegetables and telling them that there is a party in there that they should all join. Its horrible but hilarious if you think about it in a different context.
Of course Diego and Dora are the products of bad parenting and stoned writers. They are both roughly 8 maybe 9 years old, they get to run around with their exotic talking pets (a monkey wearing boots and a baby jaguar), they have zero parental supervision, and everything in their world talks (rocks, doors, trees, etc.) But the reason I know it is written and concieved by people that are stoned out of their minds is because they are both so condescending. They are always asking you to count really obvious things like how many rocks are there and you can clearly see that there are three but just to make you feel stupid they count it out loud to you. They also ask other really obvious things like "Where is Big Blue Mountain? Do you see Big Blue Mountain?" and the whole background behind them is nothing but a giant Big Blue Mountain. Asher even says, "Duhh, right there!!"
My favorite has to be Spongebob Squarepants. I don't think they even try to disguise it anymore how high they are. Its kind of like "Ren and Stimpy" from back in the day, it started out disguised as a harmless kids cartoon but then we all figured it out and it was hilarious. Spongebob is like that now, but it was that way at the creation of it. Two buddies were sitting around, one knew how to draw and the other did funny voices, and they just smoked a joint or dropped some acid (I'm not sure which yet). Next thing you know they are just making stuff up for a cartoon that would seem really funny if you were high. The exchange probably went something like this:
Guy 1: Ok, so what animal has there never been a talking version of on TV?
Guy 2: I dunno, a sea sponge? (takes a toke and laughs)
Guy 1: Yeah, a talking sponge. Where does he live?
Guy 2: (stoned and looking at a can of pineapples in the cupboard) A pineapple?
Guy 1: Yeah, a pineapple under the sea, that'd be awesome. (takes a huge hit off the bong)
Guy 2: What if he worked in a restaraunt? (he really had the munchies)
Guy 1: Yeah, they wouldn't have hamburgers though because they are in the ocean though. What about crab cakes or something?
Guy 2: Mmmmm, crab cakes. We could call them crabby-patties because that sort of rhymes, hahaha. God I'm stoned.
Guy 1: Wouldn't it be funny if his boss WAS a crab? Haha. (another big bong hit) He would be like a mass murdering cannibal.
Guy 2: Awesome (passes out)
All these years later those guys are millionaires. That is how a lot of these production meetings probably go. Two guys get really high and just come up with the dumbest concepts they can think of. Its so easy, I come up with cartoon ideas all the time and pitch them to my kids to prove to them how easy/stupid it is. And everytime they love my idea, they think it would be great (they miss my point, I think)
So what I propose now is this to get rich: I have a head full of horrible kids show ideas, now who can draw, and who's bringing the drugs?
My smallest kid is obsessed with a show called "Ben 10". The main character is "cleverly" named Ben Tennason. He finds a magical watch that will turn him into any one of (big suprise coming) 10 aliens by hitting a button on his watch. He is joined by his grandpa, who oddly enough sees nothing really odd about all of this, and some girl whom I assume is his sister (I assume his parents are either dead or they don't care that their kids are always on the road with good ol Gramps, the show never tells) They travel around in their Grandpa's Winnebago getting into all sorts of alien mischeif because Ben wears this Alien Changing Watch and every other alien wants it. They all almost die in every episode but it never seems to occur to ol' Gramps to tell his grandson to take the stupid watch off so they can quit getting attacked by aliens every other day.
Since Asher has gotten a little older he has abandoned some of his other LSD cartoons and shows. He used to watch "Yo Gabba Gabba" which was the ultimate "You know the creators are all high" shows of all time. Its right up there with "HR PuffinStuff". Yo Gabba Gabba is about a DJ who wears an orange leotard and has five toys in his little "briefcase" kind of thing that he allows to come to life each day. These toys are a green hairy midget with abnormally long arms, a robot who has all the answers in his belly, a dog/wolf thing (I'm not sure) who just kind of hangs out, a pink flower pot who loves flowers, and a giant red studded vibrator who seems to be the dumb one of the bunch. They teach each other lessons about health and manners. But two of the worst/best/trippy things about the show are the songs that they sing to promote whatever message it is they are trying to convey that day and their horrible dance lessons which incorporate little kids stuck in a psychedlic world of crayon drawings. One of the "best" songs is about eating, its called "There's a Party in my Tummy" and it is basically the Green Midget thing eating different vegetables and telling them that there is a party in there that they should all join. Its horrible but hilarious if you think about it in a different context.
Of course Diego and Dora are the products of bad parenting and stoned writers. They are both roughly 8 maybe 9 years old, they get to run around with their exotic talking pets (a monkey wearing boots and a baby jaguar), they have zero parental supervision, and everything in their world talks (rocks, doors, trees, etc.) But the reason I know it is written and concieved by people that are stoned out of their minds is because they are both so condescending. They are always asking you to count really obvious things like how many rocks are there and you can clearly see that there are three but just to make you feel stupid they count it out loud to you. They also ask other really obvious things like "Where is Big Blue Mountain? Do you see Big Blue Mountain?" and the whole background behind them is nothing but a giant Big Blue Mountain. Asher even says, "Duhh, right there!!"
My favorite has to be Spongebob Squarepants. I don't think they even try to disguise it anymore how high they are. Its kind of like "Ren and Stimpy" from back in the day, it started out disguised as a harmless kids cartoon but then we all figured it out and it was hilarious. Spongebob is like that now, but it was that way at the creation of it. Two buddies were sitting around, one knew how to draw and the other did funny voices, and they just smoked a joint or dropped some acid (I'm not sure which yet). Next thing you know they are just making stuff up for a cartoon that would seem really funny if you were high. The exchange probably went something like this:
Guy 1: Ok, so what animal has there never been a talking version of on TV?
Guy 2: I dunno, a sea sponge? (takes a toke and laughs)
Guy 1: Yeah, a talking sponge. Where does he live?
Guy 2: (stoned and looking at a can of pineapples in the cupboard) A pineapple?
Guy 1: Yeah, a pineapple under the sea, that'd be awesome. (takes a huge hit off the bong)
Guy 2: What if he worked in a restaraunt? (he really had the munchies)
Guy 1: Yeah, they wouldn't have hamburgers though because they are in the ocean though. What about crab cakes or something?
Guy 2: Mmmmm, crab cakes. We could call them crabby-patties because that sort of rhymes, hahaha. God I'm stoned.
Guy 1: Wouldn't it be funny if his boss WAS a crab? Haha. (another big bong hit) He would be like a mass murdering cannibal.
Guy 2: Awesome (passes out)
All these years later those guys are millionaires. That is how a lot of these production meetings probably go. Two guys get really high and just come up with the dumbest concepts they can think of. Its so easy, I come up with cartoon ideas all the time and pitch them to my kids to prove to them how easy/stupid it is. And everytime they love my idea, they think it would be great (they miss my point, I think)
So what I propose now is this to get rich: I have a head full of horrible kids show ideas, now who can draw, and who's bringing the drugs?
Quick Advice for Everyone Dealing with People that Piss You Off
I am not being critical to anyone on Facebook, in particular, but I am seeing a massive growing problem with many of my friends. I see day to day that many of you seem to have either or all of these people in your lives: Liars, cheaters, douchebags, assholes, stupid/dumb people, people who screw you over, people that you don't understand, and other despicable Human Stains.
Here is my advice for you: These peope that you are talking about, get rid of them, you will never understand them, they are probably not going to change, they are going to continue to bring you down because they are all in the general category of Douchebag Asshole Human Stains, D.A.H.S for short. And if you enunciate that anagram it kind of sound like "duhh" or maybe not but the point is, screw these people. Don't waste any of your time writng about them. Most of them just kind of feed off of stuff like that. Henry Rollins said once, "Hating someone's guts is giving them too much of yourself. Learn and move on" That is what everyone that gets mad at others on Social Media sites needs to do, learn and move on.
People are always going to start, (and I hate, hate, hate using this word its so damn cliche but), drama. It is inevitable. No one can stop it, there will always be D.A.H.S in the world and in your life, you just have to keep weeding them out, and move on and learn from it.
I am, for once, not trying to be condescending or a complete smartass. I am just trying to give the most practical advice I can give. Anytime you see someone complaining about some DAHS in their life, tell them "Learn from it and move on" simple as that or you could just send them the link to this blog (wink, wink)
Here is my advice for you: These peope that you are talking about, get rid of them, you will never understand them, they are probably not going to change, they are going to continue to bring you down because they are all in the general category of Douchebag Asshole Human Stains, D.A.H.S for short. And if you enunciate that anagram it kind of sound like "duhh" or maybe not but the point is, screw these people. Don't waste any of your time writng about them. Most of them just kind of feed off of stuff like that. Henry Rollins said once, "Hating someone's guts is giving them too much of yourself. Learn and move on" That is what everyone that gets mad at others on Social Media sites needs to do, learn and move on.
People are always going to start, (and I hate, hate, hate using this word its so damn cliche but), drama. It is inevitable. No one can stop it, there will always be D.A.H.S in the world and in your life, you just have to keep weeding them out, and move on and learn from it.
I am, for once, not trying to be condescending or a complete smartass. I am just trying to give the most practical advice I can give. Anytime you see someone complaining about some DAHS in their life, tell them "Learn from it and move on" simple as that or you could just send them the link to this blog (wink, wink)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
John Lennon is Vomiting in his Grave.. (aka synth-pop sucks)
I have an iPod. I have it for the soul reason that I can not stand, for more than 10 seconds, what I hear on "terrestrial" radio without getting sick to my stomach. I have downloaded all the music that I feel is pertinent, important, and worth a damn on to my iPod to save my ears from being raped by the Black Eyed Peas. I listen to the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, and The Doors to avoid being musically assaulted by Katy Perry. If I want some weird, out there stuff I will listen to Radiohead, The Black Keys, or Pink Floyd so I don't listen to the synthesized drone of that clown Lady Gaga. I have a wide range of music that I like and enjoy, but what they are producing now is equaled to a dog licking himself. It feels good to them but the rest of us are disgusted by it.
I cannot understand why radio stations keep encouraging these talentless hacks to make music. If I was the head of a record company or a radio station, and Katy Perry came to me with her album, I would throw it at her and tell her to get out of my office. Maybe I wouldn't be that harsh, maybe I would offer her some career counseling, or refer her to a strip club.
But, I understand that these companies are trying to make money, so that makes it the fault of the consumers for buying this crap. And who is it that is buying Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, and Katy Perry? Dumb kids that don't know any better, thats who. Parents aren't paying attention to this and it is causing a cultural decay in our society. The kids hear some catchy synth-pop song on Nickelodeon and they run to their parents, "Ohhh, buy this for me!! Will you download the new Jelly Pop Girls song for me?!?!?" And the parents do it. They don't listen to the crappy quality of the music, they just want their kid to be happy. Now, I don't know or have any clue what is being sung about in any of these songs, and I don't care. The lyrics could be vulgar or they could be uplifting, it doesn't make a difference to me, it just all sounds like someone farting on a keyboard.
So my suggestion is this, and this is what I do to my kids: Force them listen to good tunes. My kids have an iPod as well, and I told them that I would load it for them. (Of course I made sure that all the songs were clean and "appropriate") They were whining, "Well, make sure to put blah, blah, blah on it" and I said "No." I told them that I was not going to have them listen to some teenager belch into a microphone, have some producer AutoTune it, and then let the guy fart on th keyboard-type of music. They were going to learn and listen to people who actually played their own instruments, wrote their own songs, had feelings in their words, and who were not devoid of a soul. I loaded them down with aforementioned Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Led Zepplin, The Doors, the White Stripes, The Black Keys, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cracker, Tom Petty, Kings of Leon and a list of other acceptable tunes that is too long to type out here.
At first the kids were not real thrilled that I picked out all of their music, they wanted their feel of crap, but after listening for awhile they have now started to enjoy it and are getting into it.
So I have proven that it can be done, we can save our kids from having to accept the mediocrity of the music that is now being played on the radio. Get out there and do your part, download some actual music, pull out some of your old archaic CDs (if you have tapes or records that would be even better) and jam it into their ears. Because right now, as I write this, John Lennon, Kurt Kobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, George Harrison, Jim Morrison, and all the other great dead musicians are all vomiting in their graves when the sounds of Katy Perry are wafting down through the dirt into their coffins.
I cannot understand why radio stations keep encouraging these talentless hacks to make music. If I was the head of a record company or a radio station, and Katy Perry came to me with her album, I would throw it at her and tell her to get out of my office. Maybe I wouldn't be that harsh, maybe I would offer her some career counseling, or refer her to a strip club.
But, I understand that these companies are trying to make money, so that makes it the fault of the consumers for buying this crap. And who is it that is buying Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, and Katy Perry? Dumb kids that don't know any better, thats who. Parents aren't paying attention to this and it is causing a cultural decay in our society. The kids hear some catchy synth-pop song on Nickelodeon and they run to their parents, "Ohhh, buy this for me!! Will you download the new Jelly Pop Girls song for me?!?!?" And the parents do it. They don't listen to the crappy quality of the music, they just want their kid to be happy. Now, I don't know or have any clue what is being sung about in any of these songs, and I don't care. The lyrics could be vulgar or they could be uplifting, it doesn't make a difference to me, it just all sounds like someone farting on a keyboard.
So my suggestion is this, and this is what I do to my kids: Force them listen to good tunes. My kids have an iPod as well, and I told them that I would load it for them. (Of course I made sure that all the songs were clean and "appropriate") They were whining, "Well, make sure to put blah, blah, blah on it" and I said "No." I told them that I was not going to have them listen to some teenager belch into a microphone, have some producer AutoTune it, and then let the guy fart on th keyboard-type of music. They were going to learn and listen to people who actually played their own instruments, wrote their own songs, had feelings in their words, and who were not devoid of a soul. I loaded them down with aforementioned Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Led Zepplin, The Doors, the White Stripes, The Black Keys, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Cracker, Tom Petty, Kings of Leon and a list of other acceptable tunes that is too long to type out here.
At first the kids were not real thrilled that I picked out all of their music, they wanted their feel of crap, but after listening for awhile they have now started to enjoy it and are getting into it.
So I have proven that it can be done, we can save our kids from having to accept the mediocrity of the music that is now being played on the radio. Get out there and do your part, download some actual music, pull out some of your old archaic CDs (if you have tapes or records that would be even better) and jam it into their ears. Because right now, as I write this, John Lennon, Kurt Kobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, George Harrison, Jim Morrison, and all the other great dead musicians are all vomiting in their graves when the sounds of Katy Perry are wafting down through the dirt into their coffins.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Steve Urkel and the Pig Woman from Alabama....(aka The Getting Sued Story)
I know that the title of this article is probably a little confusing but it has a purpose and I will explain it in a moment.
I read stories about ridiculous lawsuits all the time and Adam Carolla was telling a story on his podcast this morning about one that he was involved in long ago and it reminded me of my own story when I was sued back in 2003.
I was living in Atlanta back then and was on my way back there after visiting TN for Thanksgiving. As one could imagine, traffic was horrible. Everyone had apparently been everywhere except Atlanta for the holiday and it was a mass of turkey stuffed families in SUVs headed down 85 South. It was me, my ex, and our little boy driving in my relatively new Nissan Pathfinder, it was like a 2000 or something, and we were behind this beater early 90's/late 80's Isuzu SUV from Alabama. The Isuzu driver was slamming hard on her breaks each time traffic would slow up, it was never the smooth pressing of the brake to slow down, it was a dramatic, "Oh, My God!! I don't know if my beat up piece of crap is going to stop." type of break stomping. I had managed not to hit this clunker for several miles but I couldn't get around it. Lacy, my ex, kept telling me that I was going to wind up rear ending them and just as I said for the hundreth time that I wasn't going to hit them, I ran right into them. It was a light tap, we probably weren't going any faster than like 15 MPH, and so we both pulled over. This was the beginning of the eventual shit storm that was to come.
I got out of the car to assess the damage and do all the customary exchanging of insurance and other information. I was waiting on the other driver to emerge and she didn't so much as step out of the truck but it was more of her rolling her way out. She was a large woman, chugging on her cigarette, with a backseat full of kids, and the resembalance of a pig. I am not just saying this because of her size, she had very pig like qualities to her. She had an upturned, puggy nose and she grunted when I spoke to her. I asked if she was okay and she made a grunting noise of reassurance. We looked at the rear of her Isuzu and there was about a 6 inch wide dent on the back, no big deal. We looked at mine and I had a broken headlight and a dent around it as well. I asked the pig woman if she wanted to call the cops or just handle it ourselves since no one was hurt. She snorted that we could just handle it between the two of us. So we exchanged numbers, I gave her my insurance information, and we were on our way. The whole exchange lasted less than 4 minutes. Lacy nor Gavin got out of the Pathfinder and none of the woman's little piglets got out of the Isuzu, everyone stayed in and buckled up.
I got back in the car and really didn't give it much thought. I was pissed at myself that I proved Lacy right by hitting the Isuzu, but other than that I was fine. We got back home, I replaced the headlight, and paid this guy with a rubber hammer to bang the dent out of my front end. I expected to hear from my insurance people soon but instead I got a call from an Alabama number a couple of days later. On the other end of the line, was a man that sounded the way that black comedians sound when they are making fun of how white people talk. Just imagine Chris Rock talking like a goofy white guy and thats what this guy sounded like. I thought it was a prank call at first, but then realized that he must be the husband of the pig woman. He asked if my name was Dustin Elliott and if I had been in a traffic accident a couple of days ago. I told him I had and explained what happened and he told me that my insurance wasn't valid. Apparrently I had forgotten to pay my insurance on time (I wasn't the most responsible 22 year old). I apologized and told him that I would just pay for whatever damage out of pocket. He told me that would not be acceptable, that I was in violation of the law and he wanted my driver's license number. I kind of laughed and told him, "Listen, the damage on your old beater was pretty minimal. I'll give you 200 bucks and we'll call it even." He got into a huge nerdy rage and made all kinds of threats, so I told him to go ahead and do what he felt that he had to do. He demanded my license number again, so I just spit out some random numbers and hung up on him. (Once again, I wasn't the most responsible 22 year old in the world)
A good month had passed and I hadn't really thought about the incident any further. I had moved on because it was such a minor thing, I wasn't suffering from emotional damage, I was able to move on with life as normal, and it was over in my mind. I was walking to my truck one morning to head to work and there was a guy standing around my Pathfinder taking pictures of it. I walked up to him very casually and asked non-chalantly, "Whatcha doin?" I startled him I guess because he jumped back and took several steps backwards. He asked, "Are you Dustin Elliott?" I said, "Yeah, who the hell are you?" As soon as the words popped out of my mouth he started taking pictures of me. I momentarily felt like a celebrity being stalked by the papparazzi. I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He told me that I was busted now and that I would figure it out soon enough. So I told him that if he was going to take a picture of me to at least let me pose for him. I flipped him off and told him get off the property. I didn't know what that was about and shrugged it off and went about my day.
Well a week later I got a summons in the mail notifying me of a lawsuit filed against me asking for $75,000. It was from the pig woman and the man I would soon call Steve Urkel. I called my lawyer and told him about it so that we could sit down and look over it. I wish to God that I still had a copy of this thing because it was hilarious. It illustrated all that was wrong with our litigous society. Let me give you a breakdown of my list of atrocities committed upon this hapless couple:
In Georgia, before you can actually take a lawsuit to a judge you had to go through mediation. I thought, "Sure, why not?" My lawyer warned me that if I didn't show that they would win by default and I would be ordered to pay $75,000. No problem, I thought. The day came for the mediation and I was driving to the court house and a cop comes up behind me, blazing lights and sirens. I didn't know what was going on, I was almost at the court house, so I just pulled into the parking lot. The cop came up to my window, with a very large grin. I hadn't been speeding, I wasn't swerving, I had all of my lights on, my tags were up to date, my insurance was paid, so I had no idea what was going on. The cop asked for my license and I presented it to him. He didn't tell me what was up yet, he was just quietly laughing to himself. I asked "What's the deal?" He told me that he got a call that there was an erratic driver in the area, in a vehicle matching my description, with a driver that had no license. I told him what was going on, that most likely the pig woman called so I wouldn't show for court. Luckily he agreed. He said it was pretty clear that I wasn't driving erratically but my license had been suspended. The pig woman had my license suspended based on her reporting that I had no insurance. Georgia doesn't require proof of a claim like that, they simply suspend your license and you have to prove otherwise. Turns out she had called that morning to report me, so there would be no time to notify me. Lucky for me, I got a sympathetic cop. He could tell the whole ordeal was a bunch of cooked up b.s. So he said since I was technically in a parking lot that he couldn't prove that I was driving and he let me go and wished me luck.
I strolled into the mediation room right on time and the look on the pig woman and her husband's faces was the same as if someone had taken a dump in their mouth. I smiled, sat down, leaned over, and whispered "nice try." My biggest suprise was what the husband looked like, I had never seen him, I had only heard his nerdy, goofy voice on the phone. He was exactly what Steve Urkel would look like if you put about 20 more years on him. They looked so funny sitting together, Steve Urkel and the Pig Woman, I still find it hard to believe that they mated. Anyway, the mediation went just as my lawyer told them. We tore down everything that they claimed and the mediator agreed with us. I wound up having to pay them about $600 (travel expenses and damage to vehicle) and they were out of pocket for $5,000 on the private investigator and a little loss of dignity.
Anyway this turned out to be a lot longer story than I remembered but the point is people can't get ahead by trying to be greedy and not working for it. This Pig Woman thought she could make a payday when her car was hit. Steve Urkel thought the same, they thought they were clever. But what they didn't count on was this: They were hit by a 22 year old with no money but a hell of a lot more brains than them.
I like to think that the Pig Woman and Steve Urkel are still married, living in some dump, surrounded by their nerdy piglets, and still scheming on ways to make money without working.
I read stories about ridiculous lawsuits all the time and Adam Carolla was telling a story on his podcast this morning about one that he was involved in long ago and it reminded me of my own story when I was sued back in 2003.
I was living in Atlanta back then and was on my way back there after visiting TN for Thanksgiving. As one could imagine, traffic was horrible. Everyone had apparently been everywhere except Atlanta for the holiday and it was a mass of turkey stuffed families in SUVs headed down 85 South. It was me, my ex, and our little boy driving in my relatively new Nissan Pathfinder, it was like a 2000 or something, and we were behind this beater early 90's/late 80's Isuzu SUV from Alabama. The Isuzu driver was slamming hard on her breaks each time traffic would slow up, it was never the smooth pressing of the brake to slow down, it was a dramatic, "Oh, My God!! I don't know if my beat up piece of crap is going to stop." type of break stomping. I had managed not to hit this clunker for several miles but I couldn't get around it. Lacy, my ex, kept telling me that I was going to wind up rear ending them and just as I said for the hundreth time that I wasn't going to hit them, I ran right into them. It was a light tap, we probably weren't going any faster than like 15 MPH, and so we both pulled over. This was the beginning of the eventual shit storm that was to come.
I got out of the car to assess the damage and do all the customary exchanging of insurance and other information. I was waiting on the other driver to emerge and she didn't so much as step out of the truck but it was more of her rolling her way out. She was a large woman, chugging on her cigarette, with a backseat full of kids, and the resembalance of a pig. I am not just saying this because of her size, she had very pig like qualities to her. She had an upturned, puggy nose and she grunted when I spoke to her. I asked if she was okay and she made a grunting noise of reassurance. We looked at the rear of her Isuzu and there was about a 6 inch wide dent on the back, no big deal. We looked at mine and I had a broken headlight and a dent around it as well. I asked the pig woman if she wanted to call the cops or just handle it ourselves since no one was hurt. She snorted that we could just handle it between the two of us. So we exchanged numbers, I gave her my insurance information, and we were on our way. The whole exchange lasted less than 4 minutes. Lacy nor Gavin got out of the Pathfinder and none of the woman's little piglets got out of the Isuzu, everyone stayed in and buckled up.
I got back in the car and really didn't give it much thought. I was pissed at myself that I proved Lacy right by hitting the Isuzu, but other than that I was fine. We got back home, I replaced the headlight, and paid this guy with a rubber hammer to bang the dent out of my front end. I expected to hear from my insurance people soon but instead I got a call from an Alabama number a couple of days later. On the other end of the line, was a man that sounded the way that black comedians sound when they are making fun of how white people talk. Just imagine Chris Rock talking like a goofy white guy and thats what this guy sounded like. I thought it was a prank call at first, but then realized that he must be the husband of the pig woman. He asked if my name was Dustin Elliott and if I had been in a traffic accident a couple of days ago. I told him I had and explained what happened and he told me that my insurance wasn't valid. Apparrently I had forgotten to pay my insurance on time (I wasn't the most responsible 22 year old). I apologized and told him that I would just pay for whatever damage out of pocket. He told me that would not be acceptable, that I was in violation of the law and he wanted my driver's license number. I kind of laughed and told him, "Listen, the damage on your old beater was pretty minimal. I'll give you 200 bucks and we'll call it even." He got into a huge nerdy rage and made all kinds of threats, so I told him to go ahead and do what he felt that he had to do. He demanded my license number again, so I just spit out some random numbers and hung up on him. (Once again, I wasn't the most responsible 22 year old in the world)
A good month had passed and I hadn't really thought about the incident any further. I had moved on because it was such a minor thing, I wasn't suffering from emotional damage, I was able to move on with life as normal, and it was over in my mind. I was walking to my truck one morning to head to work and there was a guy standing around my Pathfinder taking pictures of it. I walked up to him very casually and asked non-chalantly, "Whatcha doin?" I startled him I guess because he jumped back and took several steps backwards. He asked, "Are you Dustin Elliott?" I said, "Yeah, who the hell are you?" As soon as the words popped out of my mouth he started taking pictures of me. I momentarily felt like a celebrity being stalked by the papparazzi. I asked, "What the hell are you doing?" He told me that I was busted now and that I would figure it out soon enough. So I told him that if he was going to take a picture of me to at least let me pose for him. I flipped him off and told him get off the property. I didn't know what that was about and shrugged it off and went about my day.
Well a week later I got a summons in the mail notifying me of a lawsuit filed against me asking for $75,000. It was from the pig woman and the man I would soon call Steve Urkel. I called my lawyer and told him about it so that we could sit down and look over it. I wish to God that I still had a copy of this thing because it was hilarious. It illustrated all that was wrong with our litigous society. Let me give you a breakdown of my list of atrocities committed upon this hapless couple:
- $3,000 in damage to the 1990 Isuzu, junker, piece of crap
- $15,000 for missed work due to having to get the vehicle repaired and being unable to drive to work
- $5,000 for the private detective that took my picture
- $2,000 for travel expenses to have to go to court in Georgia from Alabama
- $10,000 for lawyer's fees
- $40,000 for emotional damages caused to the pig woman
- The Bluebook value on the Isuzu was $1,900 for an excellent condition vehicle.
- The couple had a combined income of about $50,000 per year so missing three days of work to get the car fixed came out to a couple of hundred dollars at best.
- The private detective was their dumbass idea. No one told them to hire a PI, it was unnecessary.
- If it cost $2,000 to travel from Alabama to Georgia, then that meant they had to be staying at the priciest hotel in the area and were using tiger's blood for fuel. The trip would cost at best $200.
- They didn't even actually have a lawyer. They used a template off the internet to draw up the lawsuit papers.
- The emotional damage that the pig woman was claiming was that she was distressed because she worried for the safety of my child and the terror she felt when she was rear ended. She claimed that my child was sitting in Lacy's lap at the time of the accident (not true he was in his car seat) and this caused her great concern. My lawyer said that if she felt such terror and concern then she would have insisted on the police being called.
In Georgia, before you can actually take a lawsuit to a judge you had to go through mediation. I thought, "Sure, why not?" My lawyer warned me that if I didn't show that they would win by default and I would be ordered to pay $75,000. No problem, I thought. The day came for the mediation and I was driving to the court house and a cop comes up behind me, blazing lights and sirens. I didn't know what was going on, I was almost at the court house, so I just pulled into the parking lot. The cop came up to my window, with a very large grin. I hadn't been speeding, I wasn't swerving, I had all of my lights on, my tags were up to date, my insurance was paid, so I had no idea what was going on. The cop asked for my license and I presented it to him. He didn't tell me what was up yet, he was just quietly laughing to himself. I asked "What's the deal?" He told me that he got a call that there was an erratic driver in the area, in a vehicle matching my description, with a driver that had no license. I told him what was going on, that most likely the pig woman called so I wouldn't show for court. Luckily he agreed. He said it was pretty clear that I wasn't driving erratically but my license had been suspended. The pig woman had my license suspended based on her reporting that I had no insurance. Georgia doesn't require proof of a claim like that, they simply suspend your license and you have to prove otherwise. Turns out she had called that morning to report me, so there would be no time to notify me. Lucky for me, I got a sympathetic cop. He could tell the whole ordeal was a bunch of cooked up b.s. So he said since I was technically in a parking lot that he couldn't prove that I was driving and he let me go and wished me luck.
I strolled into the mediation room right on time and the look on the pig woman and her husband's faces was the same as if someone had taken a dump in their mouth. I smiled, sat down, leaned over, and whispered "nice try." My biggest suprise was what the husband looked like, I had never seen him, I had only heard his nerdy, goofy voice on the phone. He was exactly what Steve Urkel would look like if you put about 20 more years on him. They looked so funny sitting together, Steve Urkel and the Pig Woman, I still find it hard to believe that they mated. Anyway, the mediation went just as my lawyer told them. We tore down everything that they claimed and the mediator agreed with us. I wound up having to pay them about $600 (travel expenses and damage to vehicle) and they were out of pocket for $5,000 on the private investigator and a little loss of dignity.
Anyway this turned out to be a lot longer story than I remembered but the point is people can't get ahead by trying to be greedy and not working for it. This Pig Woman thought she could make a payday when her car was hit. Steve Urkel thought the same, they thought they were clever. But what they didn't count on was this: They were hit by a 22 year old with no money but a hell of a lot more brains than them.
I like to think that the Pig Woman and Steve Urkel are still married, living in some dump, surrounded by their nerdy piglets, and still scheming on ways to make money without working.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Phone Etiquette....for Adults
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| If only this worked... |
- If the person you are wanting to communicate with is within 100 yards of you, don't text them. Walk over to them and use the giant hole on your face to speak words to them. You will burn calories and you will be practicing the fine art of speaking English.
- If you are talking to a friend face-to-face, put up your damn phone. Sitting there and texting throughout an actual conversation shows that you are a disconnected, aloof, shallow, human stain. Its rude. At least pretend that you are listening to the person talking directly to you, it is just too obvious that you don't care if you are playing with your stupid phone the whole time.
- No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares about your conversation in public. Strangers are not going to be impressed when you are bragging about the girl or guy you hooked up with last night. So quit yelling into your phone in the middle of a crowd. Have you ever seen a stranger approach someone on a cell phone and say, "Wow, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with you. You seem really important and I am glad that you are sharing with us all." No? You've never heard that exchange before? Exactly because no one cares.
- If you are going to text, keep it short and simple. Don't make it some long form essay that is going to require some long reply from me. Some of us have really big fingers and it is a pain in the butt to hit those tiny buttons. Also, if you have that much to say, just make a quick phone call. The time that it would take you to type out your text essay, you could probably say it in under 2 minutes and get a quicker response.
- Don't text things like "lol" or "hey", all that means is that you have absolutely nothing to say
- Of course, there are all the other obvious rules like don't talk in theaters, quit texting and driving, etc. etc.
So, we started out almost making a game of it. The "friend" would come over, phone already in hand ready to go just in case, and Katie would immediately start telling her something about her day, or the kids, or anything pertaining to herself and BAM like clockwork the "friend" started texting away. To her credit she would grunt every now and then to show some sort of understanding or she would show she still had a pulse by popping up, shoving her phone in Katie's face, and saying "Look at this!!" which was usually some dramatic, unimportant text from her mate. It would never fail though if Katie asked her about herself, she would look up from her phone and start gabbing away about whatever dramatic, stupid crap she had to say. It was excruciating to watch this, I got to the point that I would just say something rude and walk away. It wouldn't matter what I said either because she was blissfully unaware.
I then started to notice that whenever the "friend" wasn't here, she would never call, only text. She could text Katie and she would immediately try to call her back because she didn't feel like texting and get no answer. It wasn't like we didn't know that she was holding her phone, but she refused to answer. Katie would then text her and get an immediate response.
So, like I always do, I came up with a theory. I come up with theories to explain just about everything that makes no sense in life, just so I can deal with it in a logical way. I figured that maybe she was raised in complete isolation with a keyboard as her only form of communication. It was all that she knew how to do, she had spent her entire life with her friend "Keyboard Pal" and that was it. No phones, no human interaction, nothing. When she grew up and came out of isolation there was a keyboard on the phones and she was elated. She could communicate people without actually having to speak. (Ok, so probably none of this happened but its the only way I could explain her complete social retardation)
As anyone could guess this relationship ended (thankfully) and she is no more a irriatating part of my life. The point of all this is to say that people become to reliant on their cellphones, to the point that it makes them unable to function properly in a real life setting. This woman was an extreme case but I look at her as like a caricature of my point. She was an exagerated phenomenom to prove my point. Teachers are worried about how the future generation is not going to be able to properly spell or form a sentence, well I am worried about adults that become to stupid to actually communicate like an adult.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Yay!! TN made it to the Top 5 of another list...ahh crap its about being fat.
We are always really interested in lists. It gives us the feeling of having more information and it categorizes it for us. Some lists are really positive like "Top Ten Best Vacation Spots" or "Twenty Places to Find a Sex Partner" but then there are the depressing ones like "Most Depressing States" (which TN made it in the top 5 for last year). Well, Tennessee has another reason to be proud today. In a study released today we were #4 on the most obese list in the country. What an accomplishment!! I feel proud (ashamed) that I helped to contribute to this statistic. I am considered to be obese, which I can agree with even though I would like to think that I am EXTREMELY big boned. Tennessee had over a 30% population of fat people. But I have a very plausible theory for the whole thing.
Eating healthy is expensive as hell, eating garbage is cheap. That is about as basic as it gets. I can go down to Wal-Mart right now with $10 and buy 5 boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes or I could maybe buy 2 Healthy Choice Meals and that could be a stretch. Its the same when we go to even a fast food joint. The triple cheese bacon fried fat burger might cost $3 but if you want one of their healthy alternatives like a salad it will cost about $6. Why? A salad is lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and some dressing (all pretty cheap if you buy it at the grocery store & make it at home.) A big fried burger has beef (presumably), bacon (maybe), cheese product, and a bun (which if it was all bought at a grocery store would be a lot more expensive to make, freaking bacon is like $6 a pack now, WTF?) We all tend to go for the quick cheap burger because its easier to eat while driving and its cheap. Have you ever tried to eat a salad while driving? Its damn near impossible. We are a nation on the go, we need something that we can just throw down our throats and keep going. The fast food industry knows this so they make these easily consumable sandwiches which are admittedly delicious.
The fast food people start catching flack because everyone realizes this, so the geniuses come up with another idea. They offer healthier sandwiches like grilled chicken, turkey burgers, and deli style sandwiches. You think "Hey, this is great! So it will be easier to eat healthy and since its a sandwich it'll cost about the same, right?" Nope, prepare to be disappointed. The Grilled Chicken sandwich at Burger King is about $1.50 more than a regular Whopper, the grilled chicken at McDonalds is about $1.75 more than a Big Mac, the deli sandwich options at Arby's are nearly double the amount of a roast beef sandwich, and the Turkey Burger at Hardee's is a little closer at only about $1 more than a regular Heart Attack Burger. They all prey on our proposed desire to be healthier and want to make sure to cash in on it. I noticed at McDonalds the other day that you could substitute Apple slices for fries in the kids meal....for an extra .95 cents. Why?!?! Its a pack of cut up apples, an apple is like .50 cents a pound!!
All of it seems like a small price to pay for a little healthier choice but it adds up. The most appealing/appalling thing they have come up with now are the Dollar Menus at these places. Each item is like 1,000 calories each, but hey its cheap.
So here is my solution to all of this (I could keep going but I am sure that you get my point on all the price comparisons): Since the government already places all of these regulations on our day to day lives, why not pass a bill to make it an incentive to make healthy choices cheaper? Look at what they have done to cigarettes, by next year each time you buy a pack of delicious, relaxing cigarettes you will have to see a picture of a black lung or a dying cancer patient printed right on the pack (and this is after they have already taxed the hell out of it already). So if they can do that with cigarettes, then why not something similar to fattening food? Would you still want to eat a triple bacon burger if it was wrapped in a picture of a naked Rosie O'Donnell or John Goodman eating the same burger? Would you still want that deep fried chili taco burger if there was an additional fat tax of $3? Some people would but maybe not.
Another idea, going back to the idea of incentive for the fast food people would be getting a tax break for offering food that doesn't cause immediate heart attacks. Then maybe they could lower the prices a bit since they are getting a break. Or they could impose a "Price Gouging Penalty" for any restaraunt that charged more than $2 for a salad.
Like I said give me a reason this couldn't be done. You can't because it is all perfectly reasonable when you consider what they have done with wonderful cigarettes.
So, TN is fat, the fourth fattest state to be exact. So once again we can celebrate in our mediocrity. Maybe we should have a party, I'll order the cake and you bring the Ben and Jerry's.
Eating healthy is expensive as hell, eating garbage is cheap. That is about as basic as it gets. I can go down to Wal-Mart right now with $10 and buy 5 boxes of Little Debbie snack cakes or I could maybe buy 2 Healthy Choice Meals and that could be a stretch. Its the same when we go to even a fast food joint. The triple cheese bacon fried fat burger might cost $3 but if you want one of their healthy alternatives like a salad it will cost about $6. Why? A salad is lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and some dressing (all pretty cheap if you buy it at the grocery store & make it at home.) A big fried burger has beef (presumably), bacon (maybe), cheese product, and a bun (which if it was all bought at a grocery store would be a lot more expensive to make, freaking bacon is like $6 a pack now, WTF?) We all tend to go for the quick cheap burger because its easier to eat while driving and its cheap. Have you ever tried to eat a salad while driving? Its damn near impossible. We are a nation on the go, we need something that we can just throw down our throats and keep going. The fast food industry knows this so they make these easily consumable sandwiches which are admittedly delicious.
The fast food people start catching flack because everyone realizes this, so the geniuses come up with another idea. They offer healthier sandwiches like grilled chicken, turkey burgers, and deli style sandwiches. You think "Hey, this is great! So it will be easier to eat healthy and since its a sandwich it'll cost about the same, right?" Nope, prepare to be disappointed. The Grilled Chicken sandwich at Burger King is about $1.50 more than a regular Whopper, the grilled chicken at McDonalds is about $1.75 more than a Big Mac, the deli sandwich options at Arby's are nearly double the amount of a roast beef sandwich, and the Turkey Burger at Hardee's is a little closer at only about $1 more than a regular Heart Attack Burger. They all prey on our proposed desire to be healthier and want to make sure to cash in on it. I noticed at McDonalds the other day that you could substitute Apple slices for fries in the kids meal....for an extra .95 cents. Why?!?! Its a pack of cut up apples, an apple is like .50 cents a pound!!
All of it seems like a small price to pay for a little healthier choice but it adds up. The most appealing/appalling thing they have come up with now are the Dollar Menus at these places. Each item is like 1,000 calories each, but hey its cheap.
So here is my solution to all of this (I could keep going but I am sure that you get my point on all the price comparisons): Since the government already places all of these regulations on our day to day lives, why not pass a bill to make it an incentive to make healthy choices cheaper? Look at what they have done to cigarettes, by next year each time you buy a pack of delicious, relaxing cigarettes you will have to see a picture of a black lung or a dying cancer patient printed right on the pack (and this is after they have already taxed the hell out of it already). So if they can do that with cigarettes, then why not something similar to fattening food? Would you still want to eat a triple bacon burger if it was wrapped in a picture of a naked Rosie O'Donnell or John Goodman eating the same burger? Would you still want that deep fried chili taco burger if there was an additional fat tax of $3? Some people would but maybe not.
Another idea, going back to the idea of incentive for the fast food people would be getting a tax break for offering food that doesn't cause immediate heart attacks. Then maybe they could lower the prices a bit since they are getting a break. Or they could impose a "Price Gouging Penalty" for any restaraunt that charged more than $2 for a salad.
Like I said give me a reason this couldn't be done. You can't because it is all perfectly reasonable when you consider what they have done with wonderful cigarettes.
So, TN is fat, the fourth fattest state to be exact. So once again we can celebrate in our mediocrity. Maybe we should have a party, I'll order the cake and you bring the Ben and Jerry's.
Why the hell has this taken me so long to do this?
I have scratched my head on why I have never started a blog. It took me forever to be convinced into doing MySpace or any social media type thing. I thought it was childish and pointless (which later proved to be correct) but I was finally convinced by my wife to try it and "create a profile". I thought creating the profile was the best part of MySpace, you got to lie about yourself so people would think you might be doing better than you were, you got to add quirky little "buttons" to show how cutting edge you were and how funny you thought you were, and then you found the background that you thought best fit your "unique" personality (these backgrounds were about as unique and special as a Will Smith movie). I was told, "Oh its a way to reconnect with old friends, make new ones, and express yourself." Nothing, and I mean nothing could have been further from the truth. I did find a few long lost friends which was cool, I had been living away in Atlanta for 5 years, lost touch with everyone, and became a sort of hermit. Beyond this, NOTHING about MySpace was good. I would get friend requests almost daily from some random, lonely, full-willing, sex starved housewife that just so happened to look like a porn star and oddly enough lived "in my area". When I first recieved these, I was like "What the hell? I don't know this abnormally hot half dressed woman!! Why is she randomly wanting to sleep with me?" and those thoughts were quickly followed by "Yeah, this will look great with my wife." I have this weird thing about me, that I don't like to be blatantly rude to anyone unless they push it. I felt bad at first for rejecting these friend requests, I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So I would send an explanation each time explaining that I was flattered but I was married, and thanked them for their offers, etc. As time went on, I kept getting these requests everyday, multiple ones all of them strangely from the local areas around me. Keep in mind, at this time I hadn't mentioned this to my wife. I started thinking, "I do not remember that many Porn star looking chicks running around East TN, especially ones that were as lonely and as desperate as they seemed" I finally told a buddy about me getting all these offers all the time, and that I didn't understand it (I'm not that good looking, I won't make you want to pour alcohol in your eyes but I also but I'm not going to be stealing Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt anytime soon) My buddy burst my bubble, he explained that all of these "hot, horny women" were actually PornBots out to trick me and my penis to go to their website. My ego was hurt but at least I understood it now.
The thing that made me leave MySpace forever was the fact that I realized it was a safe haven for all the types of people I didn't like: dumb-underage girls taking "sexy" pictures of themselves in bathrooms with unflushed shit logs in the background, ignorant "gangsta" type thugs that were about as tough as a piece of wet toilet paper and typed with more effort to make themselves look retarded than it would've taken to write it correctly in the first place (Quick example: yO shAWtY, wut da biDNeZZ wiT yO fiNe azZ, hOe. GIt wiT mE 4 daT reAl shIt gurrL.) Then there was the people who were always asking, "Wanna trade pics? Send me a picture of your c*ck!" or lets get together for a threesome or swap wives or some other b.s I didn't care about. All of this would have been fantastic when I was in high school and single, but not when I'm married with kids. I always asked these horny bastards, "Can you not see my profile? Does it mention in there at any point that I am swinging with my balls out and looking to screw strangers with my wife?" And I did always check to make sure it didn't say that before I said it, I didn't want to seem hypocritical. So all in all it was the general immaturity, stupidity, and non-forward thinking that made me say "Screw MySpace!"
I did decide to try the Facebook thing shortly thereafter, but with heavy skepticism. I didn't understand how it would be any different than the steaming pile of dog shit known as MySpace that I had just left. I was drawn in again and it wound up being much more smooth and easier to find friends. I dug it. No one was spamming me with their PornBots, people seemed to be able to actually spell and make sense, and I felt it was more forward thinking.
Rewind just a bit, I have always had a love of the written word. I used to write all of the time, but I never could find an avenue to do anything with that passion. Facebook gave me a forum to write out ideas that I thought were maybe funny, perhaps thought provoking, and when the time called for it, a place to be controversial but without sounding like a moron. A lot of people seem to like the stuff that I write, some people say that I am funny, which to me is the ultimate compliment. Lately, I have had a lot of people give me some actual encouragement to write more and see what happens with it. So now, just like roughly everyone else in the world with a computer, I am starting my own pretenscious, self-righteous blog. My cynical old ass will take the next evolutionary step in the information age.
Mainly, my blog posts will be nothing more than long form rants. I seem to find something ludicrous and/or outrageously stupid to rant about nearly everyday. Perhaps I can give a perception or suggestion on how to make it better or to make it not happen again. It boils down to me wanting to eradicate stupidity in America, one reader at a time, by pointing out the daily shit that we just put up with and say nothing about.
If everyone will just listen to ME, then I will fix it all!!!
The thing that made me leave MySpace forever was the fact that I realized it was a safe haven for all the types of people I didn't like: dumb-underage girls taking "sexy" pictures of themselves in bathrooms with unflushed shit logs in the background, ignorant "gangsta" type thugs that were about as tough as a piece of wet toilet paper and typed with more effort to make themselves look retarded than it would've taken to write it correctly in the first place (Quick example: yO shAWtY, wut da biDNeZZ wiT yO fiNe azZ, hOe. GIt wiT mE 4 daT reAl shIt gurrL.) Then there was the people who were always asking, "Wanna trade pics? Send me a picture of your c*ck!" or lets get together for a threesome or swap wives or some other b.s I didn't care about. All of this would have been fantastic when I was in high school and single, but not when I'm married with kids. I always asked these horny bastards, "Can you not see my profile? Does it mention in there at any point that I am swinging with my balls out and looking to screw strangers with my wife?" And I did always check to make sure it didn't say that before I said it, I didn't want to seem hypocritical. So all in all it was the general immaturity, stupidity, and non-forward thinking that made me say "Screw MySpace!"
I did decide to try the Facebook thing shortly thereafter, but with heavy skepticism. I didn't understand how it would be any different than the steaming pile of dog shit known as MySpace that I had just left. I was drawn in again and it wound up being much more smooth and easier to find friends. I dug it. No one was spamming me with their PornBots, people seemed to be able to actually spell and make sense, and I felt it was more forward thinking.
Rewind just a bit, I have always had a love of the written word. I used to write all of the time, but I never could find an avenue to do anything with that passion. Facebook gave me a forum to write out ideas that I thought were maybe funny, perhaps thought provoking, and when the time called for it, a place to be controversial but without sounding like a moron. A lot of people seem to like the stuff that I write, some people say that I am funny, which to me is the ultimate compliment. Lately, I have had a lot of people give me some actual encouragement to write more and see what happens with it. So now, just like roughly everyone else in the world with a computer, I am starting my own pretenscious, self-righteous blog. My cynical old ass will take the next evolutionary step in the information age.
Mainly, my blog posts will be nothing more than long form rants. I seem to find something ludicrous and/or outrageously stupid to rant about nearly everyday. Perhaps I can give a perception or suggestion on how to make it better or to make it not happen again. It boils down to me wanting to eradicate stupidity in America, one reader at a time, by pointing out the daily shit that we just put up with and say nothing about.
If everyone will just listen to ME, then I will fix it all!!!
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