Saturday, December 31, 2011

Fun with the GOP before 2012 Hits

Ever since I started paying attention to politics back in 2000, I've noticed that each year it seems like some of the candidates might be inside jokes.  People that are so ridiculous that there is no real chance of any of them winning being planted in with the "real" contenders.  However, the GOP front-runners for 2012 have blown me away with just how cartoonish they seem.  From Bachmann declaring that HPV vaccines make you retarded, to Herman Cain quoting Pokemon as a great poet, to Rick Perry informing us that gays are stealing Christmas, and then back again to Bachmann and her covert/blatant homosexual husband who runs "pray the gay away" camps, it has been pure nonesense.  I've gotten quite the kick out of listening and watching each day and waiting for the next retarded thing they do.  I understand that everyone's pretty pissed off at Obama,but are these really the choices?  Well it doesn't matter I guess since lobbyists ultimately run the show but it would be nice to have someone pretend to do the job.  But I digress, I just wanted to have a little fun with a few of the big GOP candidates that are left.  They already act cartoonish, so I just thought that I would make them look that way.  Enjoy if for no other reason than to enjoy it. 


Good Ol' Batshit Crazy Bachmann

Newt Gingrich in his true form...a sad caricature of a human being


Mitt Romney's weird looking soul


Rick Perry:  His ideas are just as creepy as this picture
Herman Cain...well, I mean come on really??

Friday, December 30, 2011

Dr. Sleepy's Guide to New Years Resolutions

Save time and vow to have no resolutions
Every year I really want to make some New Year’s resolutions.  Sometime I even attempt to keep them.  But each year without fail…I fail.  Last year I vowed to get out of debt, lose 40 lbs., become successful, and get a new car.  The results from those resolutions?  We are actually in more debt than we were at the beginning of the year, I lost 20, then gained 15, lost 10, and gained 5 lbs. over the course of the last 12 months, I’m only successful in mediocrity, and I still drive a 2001 shit wagon deluxe Ford Explorer that doesn’t have operating rear doors, it starts without a key if you flip the headlights on just right, all the electronic displays are non-functional, and I’m never sure how much gas I have because it will jump from full to dead empty in a moment’s notice.  My resolutions did not work out.  I looked at some lists that were published today of people’s top New Year’s resolutions and although I can’t reach my own goals, I can point out the flaws in others and perhaps make them a little more realistic.
1.        Losing Weight
The quadruple Bacon Egg Xtra Cheeseburger
will get you everytime.
Here is why losing weight rarely ever works out.   First, if you are already fat then there is a reason for it; you love food!!  No matter how much you desire to be thinner, you can’t eliminate the fact that bacon cheeseburgers are yummy.  Sure laziness can counteract some of the garbage you eat but doing some jumping jacks isn’t going to burn off that Chocolate-covered Strawberry Cheesecake Bacon & Waffle Sundae.  You can probably resist temptation from all the goodies until February 1st, but late one night you won’t feel like getting up and mixing together a Kale & Cucumber Protein shake.  You’ll want something simple.  So you start looking through your fridge and what do you see?  Oh, it looks like you forgot to throw away that tube of Nestle Toll House cookie dough!!   “Mmmm, I’ve been so good so far.  What will just one bite hurt?” you think to yourself.  Next thing you know, you’ve ate the entire tube of cookie dough and when you wake up the next morning you stop at McDonald’s on the way to work and get the 2 for $3 Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuits.  You’ve blown you diet and you just say to hell with it at that point.  So if you are a fat person then you have to really commit yourself to hitting the gym…like every day…for 2 hours or more.  Even at that you probably will still struggle but at least you’ll be maintaining your weight after you hit that wall in February. 
The second big reason why losing weight doesn’t work out is even simpler and easily fixed.  A huge portion of the people vowing to lose weight for the New Years are already as fit and skinny as the hypothetical love child of David Beckham and Pink.  Of course you freaks aren’t going to lose weight!!  Your body fat percentage is at 1.5% and an elephant could do Pilates on your ripped abs.  If you are one of these people that already look like a Greek god carved in marble, then you are one of the people that everyone wants to punch in the face when we hear your resolution about “losing a few pounds around my inner thigh”.   Shut up, you attention whores!!  You already know that you look good because we all see you checking yourself out in front of every mirror that you pass.  You only say ridiculous things about your weight just so you can extract a compliment from one of your friends.  You making the resolution to lose weight not only annoys all of your friends but sets up disappointing yourself because it is so irrational to believe that your 105 lb. frame could really stand to lose another ounce. 
2.       Quitting Smoking
Do you think he's ready to quit?
Nope, many, many years of
productive smoking ahead with him.
Every smoker I’ve ever known in my entire life has vowed to quit smoking every single damn New Year.  And do you wanna know how many actually do quit?  0.000009% (this one guy from 1998 stopped for almost 6 months once).  It’s popular to think that you can start off the New Year with a fresh start and be a clean living citizen but chances are it’s not happening.  Most people who smoke and actually do quit didn’t do it on a vow that they made at some random New Year’s Eve party.  No, they had to find the time in their life that they were actually ready to do it.  They may have had a bad doctor’s appointment or they could’ve noticed that walking down the steps in the morning feels like running a marathon across the plains of Africa or they could’ve coughed up something that looked like the contents of a 5 day old condom used by a needle junkie with hepatitis a through z.  But making a commitment to quit based on some arbitrary holiday where they feel obligated to quit probably isn’t going to make for a success story.  The first time they are around someone smoking they are going to feel that urge, smell that aroma of sweet Virginia tobacco, and think how delicious a cigarette would taste right then.  They may not give in at first but after this happens 4 or 5 times, they are probably going to give in.  I wouldn’t suggest making that vow this year unless you absolutely mean it and it’s the right time of your life to do it.  Don’t set yourself up for disappointing yourself and having to explain to everyone that was at the party with you that gave in.  And if you do try, quit for a bit, and then go back to it, don’t take any crap from all the naysayers.  Chances are they are one of those people who’ve never smoked in their entire lives and have ZERO idea on how hard it is to quit.  When they ask you why you are smoking with their disapproving tone and smartass smirk just blow a big puff in their face and walk away.
3.       Get out of Debt
Debt is a hard one to tackle.  When I turned 18, Visa offered me a credit card with a $500 line on it.  “Free money!!” I thought because my parents never really used credit cards and thus never really explained it to me.  I had that $500 spent within something like 48 hours and then put the card in my wallet and forgot about it.  “All the free money is gone” I thought, but 28 days later I got a bill for the $500 and a minimum payment of $20.  I knew I could handle $20, so I sent them the money but the next month my bill said something like $507.  “What the hell?  I just paid them $20, why isn’t it $480?”  And thus I learned all about interest.  I’m sure many people have a similar story because creditors love to get their hooks in early.  Although we all know how dangerous credit cards are, we still love to use them.  We love credit cards and “special financing” options.  We are suckers for these after Christmas sales where the furniture store is offering zero interest for 6 months.  We all want; want, want and many of us don’t have the patience to wait until we can actually buy it outright. 
All of this is what makes getting out of debt so hard.  You keep spending money every month to pay off the cards but then you see a nice new La-Z-Boy with 0% for 90 days and you get sucked in.  If you are already in debt (which statistically you probably are) then I think there are only a few impractical solutions to your problem.
a.       Cut and then set fire to all of your cards.  Then erase all of the data in your computer containing your information.  And then move to an unspecified location in North Dakota without a forwarding address.  And never get online again.
Do you really think this guy has any
credit card debt?
b.      Grow all of your food and eat road kill.  Get back to nature by living in your tent and becoming a survivalist.  You can grow your wheat grass and kill bunnies to sustain the minimum nutrition to stay alive.  You will have to hand craft all of your furniture and since you live in a tent, it won’t take much. Get four sticks and a flat rock to make a chair and pile up leaves and garbage for your bed.  You will be spending zero cash and thus you can now afford to pay off all of those pesky credit cards.
c.       Become rich and famous.  Once you become rich and famous, hire a money manager to make sure that you don’t spend beyond your means.  As long as you filthy, obscenely rich you can pay off everything that you’ve ever owed because you will be making $12 million per role in each of the crappy romantic comedies you star in.
These are the only three ways to get out of debt.  Accept no other alternatives, and don’t pussy out and say that you can’t live in the wilderness.  You can if you want out of debt bad enough.

I don’t know what my resolutions are for this year.  I just hope that it will be a good one.  I’m going to kick it up on the writing, finally get the podcast going, try to be a decent person, and make my own way.  If not you can find me in a tent eating worms somewhere in the wilderness of North Dakota.  But keep in mind, it may not matter at all because we are all going to die on December 21, 2012, so smoke em if you got em!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice: Christmas Edition

How I feel after doing the whole holiday
thing with both families.  A nice drink & piss
in my pants.
I decided to make this week’s random advice column a holiday themed one.  We are all seemingly embroiled in constant family get-togethers, countless present openings, and tons of caloric atomic bombs of feasts.  We all paint a pretty picture but holidays are never without a bit of familial drama.  We all grin with the holiday gun pointed at our heads. I was given questions and I am now supplying answers with my infinite wisdom.  Happy holidays you chaos loving freaks!!

My wife and I have what seems to be an annual argument about how to do Christmas with our families.  My family has typically always done Christmas on the 24th and her family does as well…both at the same exact time.  We get sh*t from each side of our families every year because we always cut one short and come late to the other.  I can’t stand it and since our families kind of hate each other neither side is willing to budge on adjusting times.  What are we supposed to do?
This is exactly what its like when you
try to mix in-laws. 
I can relate.  It gets complicated especially if you have kids which I’m not sure if you do.  Here’s the thing, you are always going to piss off your families; its science.  It’s kind of like lions and gazelles.  Sure they can coexist in the same area for a certain time but sooner or later the lion is going to jump on that gazelle and eat that little bastard.  Well, this is like family.  You can get along for a while but someone is going to eventually get their head bit off.  You will never be able to please either side.  Her parents are probably always going to secretly or openly blame you for ruining their Christmas tradition with their precious daughter and they will never believe, no matter what you do, that you are good enough.  We have tried several different approaches over the years.  We have gone to one and skipped the other, we have tried splitting the evening, and we even tried combining the two one year (I can’t recommend this to anyone unless both sides LOVE each other, which as we all know never happens). Trying to combine families can be like putting the Westboro Church people in San Francisco during a gay pride parade. Nothing truly works; you just have to accept it.  So here are some basic rules as to how to handle it.
·         Figure out which side of the family you are getting along with and go there.  Chances are since both sets of parents don’t like each other then you are probably feuding with one of them.  Go to the side that things are cool with, it will cut down on all that stupid drama.
·         If you want to try to split it then get to one of them early that way they can’t complain that you haven’t visited long enough.  This will still piss them both off but it will be a little less since it’s equal.
·         You can cut down on the whole thing, especially if you have no kids, by skipping them both and going on a nice vacation.  It’s Christmas, why be miserable with family fighting? 
·         Flip a coin.  Play paper, rock, scissors.  Draw straws.  Pick a number.  Because you are screwed anyway.
We have two kids, one from a previous relationship and another together.  I am the stepdad, but for all intents and purposes I’m the dad.  I’ve been around most of her life.  Her parents love and worship the ground that my step-daughter walks on.  She is showered with expensive gifts, special privileges, and constant affection.  The child that we have together...ehh, not so much.  They seem to like him okay but treat him much differently.  Each year they fight to keep her on all special holidays and fight to keep her away from my family holiday functions.  They tell my wife that she has no real business with my family since she is not technically blood related.  It’s getting old and after 3 years I’m really getting fed up with the whole thing.  What do you think?
Send the grandparents adorable pictures
like this with a note attached:  Haha I bet
you wish you could do this again, huh?
Blood relation is one of the most retarded, irrelevant, and outdated arguments I’ve ever heard.  In the times that we live in a huge percentage of families are mixed.  People are always bringing kids into new relationships/marriages.  None of us can keep it together.  However, many in our parents’ generation can’t seem to grasp this and get hung up on “blood”.  A kid is a kid and if you and your mate are together whether married or otherwise you’ve got to tell the parents to get over it.  Arguing over blood sounds so archaic, it’s like a King in medieval England checking the lineage of his first born.  My family is a mixed one as well.  I have a son from a previous relationship and he lives with us.  My wife and I also have two of our own.  I know that it can be a mess because we have the fight with family all of the time.  Each side has their favorites and each kid gets treated a little differently; sometimes very blatantly and others oh so subtly.  I have found through the years that sometimes you just have to be an asshole.  You have to tell the grandparents that the kids are a package deal.  It’s like buying a package of hot dogs; you don’t get one without the others.  Blood be damned, they are your kids and if they choose to exclude the boy then tell them, in whatever manner you choose, to screw themselves.  I can’t honestly say that it will ever get better because even after like 8 years we still struggle.  I guess it’s all dependent on the person or persons that you are dealing with.  Some people are just old fashioned and set in their ways with “family values” which to me is just another way of saying “retarded, backwards, narrow-minded, ass clowns”.  If they fall under this category, then good luck.  You still have to set some boundaries and try because you don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that they are better than one another or resentful towards you or your parents.  If they can’t get the retarded notion of “blood is blood” out of their heads then you just have to cut them off.  Think of it as grounding the grandparents.  I don’t care how old they are; if you deny them something that they love and want then just like a kid they will give in eventually.  It may not last on a permanent basis but it works to do it every now and then.  After a good month of “grounding grandparents” they will be begging to keep both of the kids at least for a while.  As far as the holidays go, I look at it this way.  It is your little family and you get to choose what to do with it.  No one gets to tell you where you go, where you take your family, or what to do.  You are a grown ass human being and it’s all a power trip.  If you give into their dipshit demands then they will never respect you, they will look at you as a push over pansy and will always try to tell you what to do with their granddaughter. 

I’ve been dating a girl now for about 4 months and now its Christmas time which means gift time.  I’m going to buy her something but I don’t know how far out I should go.  Should I get her some jewelry?  Or do I go more small scale and maybe get a DVD or a gift card?  I don’t know where the relationship is going but I’d like for it go far.  She is from a wealthy family, so that’s the reason I’m tripping out on what to buy.
For that not so special lady.
First, don’t buy a girl you’ve only been dating for 4 months any jewelry.  Do you know how high that will place future expectations on you?  Think about it.  If you buy her a necklace this year after only 4 months, what is she going to want next year?  I’ll tell you what; a ring.  A ring with diamonds in it, with a big fat one on top in the shape of a solitaire and surrounded with platinum and attached to a lifelong commitment.  If you start out big you will be expected to stay big and get bigger every year for the rest of your time with this girl.  If you can afford this type of thing and that’s the route you are comfortable with then more power to you.  But if you are sensible man, then you will start small.  A gift at this juncture of a relationship should be something that says you’re thoughtful and practical, don’t be a cheap bastard but don’t blow your entire paycheck.  Go with something that you know for sure that she is into, like something to do with you.  Take her on a little weekend trip, go on some big date thing, or as Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg suggest, put your dick in a box.  (Warning:  The Dick in the Box should be reserved for girls that you don’t plan on dating much further than the New Year…or that night for that matter.)  No matter what it is just remember that you are setting a standard and a set of expectations with this girl so choose wisely.   Now you did say that this is someone that you’d like to see into the future, right?  Well, I don’t know anything about her and frankly I have a hard time remembering what it was like to date.  But 4 months in and you are seeing a future?  Really?  I figured 6 months would be the bare minimum for eliminating your bachelorhood.  I do have to add that if we were still in high school or college, I would suggest an entirely different route.  You would have to break up with that person for the holidays, citing some reason like “I need some time to find myself” or “I don’t want to hurt you, I have to figure out what I want”  And when the holiday was over, you would get back together, if you choose, and resume your relationship.  It was a money saving thing, nothing personal.  I know that almost every guy that I know pulled this at one point or another, but now that we are “adults” we no longer have that luxury because women caught on to what we were doing, you cheap bastard. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice Column Week 2

Hello, my name is Dr. Sleepy Dustin Elliott and I am here to answer all of your questions with pure, unabashed, manly logic.  I will tell you the truth as I see it and the way I see it is right.  I would never lie to you or exaggerate any sort of information.  I am a self-titled doctor and you can trust me on that.
I received great questions again but I didn’t want to strictly limit it to relationships this time so it will be slightly different...
Do people really lose their sex drive with age?  Can they go weeks or months without it?
This is what it feels and looks like
when a man has went without orgasms
for too long.
Unfortunately and sadly enough, they do.  I don’t see how this is possible but I know of many people who have said it’s true.  Stupid menopause, damn hormones, silly erectile dysfunction, and imaginary sex headaches; these all prevent sex or at least diminish it.  Even with all of that, I find it difficult to even imagine sex not being appealing. I think it is one of the greatest things on earth and I would never get tired of it.  But here’s the thing, if your partner has any of the above problems, you can tell them that orgasms and sex are two of the best remedies for those situations.  Sex and orgasms release endorphins and dopamine which make you happy, increase hormones, and can dull pain.  Orgasms are like mental penicillin; it’s a cure for all that ails you.  Like I’ve said before, it’s maintenance; you’ve got to get that stuff out of you.  If you keep all of those orgasms locked up, you are going to become irritable, grouchy, and self-hating.  And my logic is this; if you are going to get rid of those orgasms, shouldn’t you get rid of them with the person you are with rather than all by yourself?  It’s a terrible idea to go prolonged amounts of time without sex, even if it’s with yourself. 
I live with my girlfriend who is considerably younger than I am (yes, she is legal).  At first it was great but now her immaturity is really showing itself.  I want to ditch her but I feel bad about leaving her stranded like that.  What do you think?
See?  This girl is smoking hot
but she could easily ruin your
life with her dumb immaturity.
Look at the whole thing as a learning experience.  You should never live with a person that shows the least bit of immaturity.  No one ever really improves once you move in together, they simply get worse.  All of the annoying little things get exacerbated once you are in close quarters together.  I think people should only live together once they have enough space, like a home.  If you live in a studio apartment and you love you lady friend, then moving her in to that crappy 130 square foot flat is the last thing you want to do.  A couple needs space no matter how much they love on another.  I love my wife, but dammit I have to be able to have time to watch football, write, or scratch myself.  If we lived in a studio apartment that could never happen.  Every time I wanted to take a dump I would have her looking over my shoulder and beating on the door telling me to “Hurry up, I’ve got to dry my hair.  Jesus, could give a courtesy flush?  It smells like the Devil’s taint in there!!”  As long as a couple has their own space they can work out almost anything because when they are alone they can each hash their shit out.  He can think about what a douchy bastard he has been when he got mad for her  continually interrupting his game, and she can think about what a inconsiderate bitch she was when she kept interrupting his game.  See??  They can both look at their actions in different parts of the house, instead of having to be right on top of each other and wind up screaming in the same room.   But back to the point of dating an immature girl…STOP IT!!  I’m sure she is hot, but way younger, immature girls are not meant for dating, they are meant for hooking up.  Let them gain some life experience from other guys, let them ruin their lives, and wait for them to be good, ripe, and ready for something like a relationship.  Moving in with a person that you are unsure about is a guaranteed way to wind up hating them. 

I fight a lot with my parents (I’m 30) and don’t really want to go to their annual Christmas celebration.  Every year we all wind up getting mad at each other and someone always leaves with hurt feelings.  Should I feel obligated to go since they are my family?
If this is the image that you
conjure up when thinking about
Christmas with your parents,
perhaps you should think again.
No.  Sure it would be nice if you could get along and make a nice holiday, but what are the chances in that happening?  You’ve got to ask yourself, “When was the last good or even half way decent memory that I have with my parents?”  If it was over a year ago or so, then there is no real reason to hang out with them.  We are only on this planet for a special limited time, we do not get any more time, and this is it.  You cannot spend large swaths of your life being miserable if you can prevent it.  Some misery is unpreventable and inevitable, but some things can be avoided.  I try to avoid being around people that irritate me as often as possible.  If your folks insist on doing something for Christmas, tell them to meet at Waffle House or some delicious Chinese restaurant.  People feel less likely to cause a scene in a public place.  Can you really see your mom cursing your existence over a plate of Moo Goo Gai Pan and fried rice?  Can your dad belittle you with a giant pecan waffle smothered in butter and syrup sitting in front of him?  Of course you can, but at least out in public it can be a little quieter and some face can be saved when you get up and walk away from your angry disapproving parents and tell the eager, happy Chinese waitress lady, “Don’t worry, those are my parents.  They’ve got this bill.  Merry Christmas.” 

Friday, December 9, 2011

This is Not an Apology, It's an Explanation

This is not an apology, think of it more as an explanation.  I have had some people get upset with the language I choose to use and some of the topics I decide to discuss.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinions on things which means that I am too.  My goal when I first started doing the whole blog thing was not singular; I have/had several goals in this venture.  I started doing it because I wrote something to the local paper here in Kingsport that got a really good response and wanted to keep doing it.  The article I wrote for the paper was edited to death; whole paragraphs were taken out due to them being inappropriate for the local readership.  It was mainly a couple of jokes that I made in order to make my greater point.  I really enjoyed the experience of seeing my ideas in print for all to see, but I did not like the part where I was “censored”.  I feel like the impact of things can get lost when censorship is involved, so I had a friend suggest that I write a blog instead.
I’ve seen and heard about blogs forever but it never occurred to me to do it for some reason even though I love to write and create.  Basically I was too lazy to try to figure out how to do a blog but was pissed off when I found out how easy it was to set up and do.  My initial goal in creating it was to perhaps get noticed by someone of stature and importance from an online source or a magazine or anyone who enjoyed paying people to write for them.  I wanted someone like Jann Wenner to pop out of nowhere and say “Oh my God, you are the greatest thing since Hunter S. Thompson.  Please come write for the Rolling Stone immediately!!”  I wanted to finally be doing something that made me happy and writing had always made me happy.  I was one of the few people in high school or college that actually got excited when we were assigned a paper to do for class especially if it allowed for opinion or a little extra creativity.  Anyway, this is still to a point one of my goals.  I would still happily accept any writing/paying position offered to me, but I would still do what I do on my own site. 
Over the past 4 or 5 months I have listened to a ton of comedians on podcasts and other avenues and listened to them tell how they made it or at least got to where they are now.  I noticed that a majority of them spoke about writing a lot in order to get any ideas that they have out there and so that they don’t forget them.  Now, I don’t think I could necessarily be a stand-up comedian but I do think I could be a comic writer and/or a comic podcaster.  Which myself and my friend Murphy White are working on the podcast end of things.  We’ve done a couple of test runs and are trying to perfect the process.  The goal is to tie everything we do together, I write blogs, we do the podcast, we make some videos, he does some music, he does some art work, and we put it all in a centralized website and give everyone a chance to buy content and listen to free stuff as well.  Blah, blah, blah, you get the point, it’s our little business model/plan.  It takes time and coordination which we have not fully mastered but in 2012, we will be running strong. 
Would he have been as funny if someone
told him not to say dirty words?
So back to the explanation of it all; some people find certain things I do offensive and inappropriate for a person my age and with kids.  I’ve been asked the question, “Would you be okay if your children read some of the things you’ve written?”  And my answer is this; I hope to have enough control and parenting skill to keep my kids safe on the internet.  When they get old enough and if they are interested in what their old man is doing, then sure they can read it.  It’s like I said in a blog post a few weeks ago, everything needs to be taken in the context in which it is intended.  If my kids read half of what I wrote now, they would not understand half of it and would simply giggle at the times that daddy wrote naughty words.  They wouldn’t understand context.  The second part of my answer to that question is this; People, who are successful in this arena of writing, blogging, podcasting, or whatever, do not have to censor themselves.  They take chances with what they do and what they say.  What if George Carlin decided that he didn’t want to offend people all of those years ago and decided to be a clean comedian?  What if Todd Phillips (writer/director of The Hangover, Old School, Due Date, and others) decided that he wouldn’t use any curse words, discuss sex, or have any other lewd behavior in his movies?  Do you think those movies would’ve ever been made or if they had that they would’ve been as funny?  No!!!  Artists (and I’m not calling myself an artist, let’s just say I’m aspiring to be one) don’t worry about who they are going to offend or how it makes them look.  They want to entertain, break some barriers, and create something all their own.  This is ultimately what I want to do.  I want to make what I say be as entertaining and thought provoking as possible, if a person finds it offensive then maybe they shouldn’t read the offending article and move on to something else.  No one makes everyone happy all of the time.  Look at someone like Lady Gaga, I am not a fan but I can appreciate that she takes chances with what she does and look where it’s gotten her.  What if someone had made her feel like an idiot for ever wanting to dress herself in meat and sing techno?  She’d be just some other working stiff if she would’ve listened to it. 
Would this be funny if they said
"gosh" and "gee" and "darn it"?
My point is that I’m trying to do my thing here, I don’t know where it will ultimately take me but I hope to go far with it.  I hope to be one of the few people from our area who makes a name for himself.  I don’t want to make anything too taboo to talk about.  I want as many people on board as possible but I know I can’t win everyone over so that’s why this is not an apology but simply my explanation as to why I’ll continue doing what I’ve done, do more of it, and never feel bad for what I have said.  Love you people.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dr. Sleepy's Love Advice Column

I like to consider myself a man with common sense, a man who is full of opinions wrapped with logic, and a man who has dealt with a lot of different human relationships in life.  Thus I have given myself the title of Doctor of the Human Condition and Common Sense;  and lucky for everyone I am here to help.  I get a lot of people asking me for advice all of the time about relationships and life in general.  I feel that I give sound, honest answers to those who ask and decided that it might be entertaining to have a weekly column dedicated to me answering some questions of my friends and readers.  So yesterday I announced my decision and asked that anyone who may have a question to submit it to me and I’d do my first column and see how it goes.  I got several submissions and picked the three most interesting ones or as I would say the three that I could riff and rant on the most.  People need an alternative to Dear Abby and other people who are too soft and don’t know what they are talking about, because I’m a professional and I would never lie to you.
First Question:
Ok, so is there such a thing as a plutonic relationship?  My husband says “no” that one or another always wants more.  What do you think?
Platonic relationships, in general, are a myth.  There are a few mitigating circumstances that can sway it into a real possibility but generally speaking, “No, they do not exist.”  If a guy is single and he is friends with a single lady, he is investing his time in the hopes that one day when the lady is feeling vulnerable or drunk that he can hook up with her.  I would venture a guess that this is true 99.99% of the time.  No single guy is going to listen to all of a girl’s problems, hopes, and dreams endlessly without some ulterior motive.  I had “platonic” girl friends when I was younger and I always had them as a “just in case” scenario.  For instance, I had one friend who I had from the beginning of freshman year in high school until the day we graduated.  I listened to all of her relationship problems, I heard her sex stories, we hung out and it was all well and good but ultimately I wanted to know that I had this girl as a backup.  I liked hanging out with her and I dated several girls over the course of high school but I always wanted to keep her and most of the time it was not a big deal.  But when I would go through a dry spell, I would ultimately look to her in the hopes that we could hook up.  I later found out that I was the same thing to her.  We never had to actually break that proverbial “emergency glass” and hook up but we always had it in the back of our minds that it could be a possibility.  Almost all of my guy friends had similar situations at different points in their lives.  The downside of this is when a girl just really wants to be friends with a guy and he wants more eventually.  The guy is putting in all of this work and little does he know that the girl has zero interest.  I had a couple of those too.  Here are the rules for platonic relationships along with their exceptions:
·         A married guy and a married female can be platonic friends although its probably not a good idea because everyone always assumes that they are sleeping together.  But really most of the time its harmless.
·         A gay man/woman can be friends with a straight man/woman and there should really be no problem unless the straight person has those curious tendencies and could be pushed over the edge with a little encouragement.  The only way other way that this doesn’t work is if they are both of the same sex and the gay friend wants the straight friend, then you have the same ulterior, time wasting scenario as the two straight, opposite sex friends.
·         A straight single guy and a straight single girl can never be truly platonic…EVER.  One or the other ALWAYS wants more.  It’s not speculation; it’s just the way it is.  The guy is always imagining what the girl would look like naked and on top of him or the girl will always imagine what a great boyfriend he would make.
·         A lesbian and a straight guy will always be platonic just as a gay man and a straight woman will always be platonic.  Unless the straight people think they can “change” them, in this case they are simply retarded.
·         A married person can never be a platonic friend to a single straight person or at least they shouldn’t be.  It will always end badly; I’ve seen it too many times.
These are the rules.  I can’t help it, but we are all sexual human beings and this is the way we are wired.
Dusty, I’ve been talking to this new girl.  She is really good looking, she has a job, and we really get along well.  The problem is, she has three kids from a previous relationship and she used to date one of my other friends.  Should I pursue it or just move on?
I’m getting ready to sound like an insensitive prick but it’s what needs to be said.  You are a single guy.  All of us married guys secretly are envious of you.  You have freedom to get up and pretty much do as you please.  You have no responsibility to a wife or children.  You are accountable only to yourself.  If you want to go to a bar, drink all night, and take home a stranger, you can.  There is virtually nothing stopping you.  If you get into a relationship with a woman who has THREE kids then you can kiss all of that goodbye.  It sounds harsh but as a single guy with no children you should never get in a relationship with a woman that has any more than ONE child and that’s a push.  A freewheeling guy such as yourself reserves the right to be picky, you don’t have to settle.  A girl with kids (especially more than 2) will inevitably have issues with the father guy which if you are with her means that you will have issues with the sperm donor person.  I don’t care if she says that her and the ex get along great, shit can fall apart at any moment.  My ex and I get along now but there was a patch of time that we fought with every ounce of hatred in our bodies; shit changes.  And also you’ve got to think of it this way.  What if the kids hate you and are spiteful because “you’re not my REAL dad!!” while sticking their tongues out at you and kicking you in the shins?  That’s a pretty plausible situation.  You might say, “Well what if the kids are really cool and nice?”  I say, “What kids are cool enough to alter your entire life for?”  Kids are cool but the great part of other people’s kids is that you don’t have to take them home with you.  But back to the prime choice area of this discussion, you have the ability to pick and choose the girls.  If a girl has a lazy eye and buck teeth but has a great personality, you don’t have to settle.  Move on to the next one.  I know the area you live in (Tri-Cities) is a limited pond of female fish but that’s why you might want to branch out.  Knoxville’s not that far, Roanoke isn’t that far, expand your horizons and don’t get tied down to a girl that not only has her own baggage, but also the baggage of three kids that will probably hate you.  There are millions of fish out there that don’t have a bunch of small fish following them around, be a fisherman like Patrice O’Neal would want you to be.  Also as far as her dating your buddy before you, as part of “man-code” you must get clearance from him or at least let him know that you’re going to do something with this chick whether he likes it or not.  You can’t lead him around blindly.  You’re man card could be revoked otherwise.
And now probably my favorite submission and the one I saved for last:

My husband claims that masturbation ("slapping the ham"), for guys, is unavoidable. He says and quote "it's something that just has to be done." (Like it's the fucking laundry or something.) I called bullshit on that, because I don't have to do it and would much rather have sex, because it's way more fun. And he claims that is because I'm a woman and I work differently. I tell him because it's a perfectly good waste of a hard member, and it makes me feel a little insulted if he does it when I'm around. He says I'm silly and so on and so forth. We have this conversation like three or four times a year.
Dear sweet, sweet, lady reader and friend.  Your husband is 100% correct.  Jerking off is something that is pretty much mandatory as a man.  If a guy says otherwise or claims that he doesn’t do it he is a filthy liar.  A lying liar telling lies.  Spanking the monkey is kind of like a maintenance tool, like taking vitamins, or working out.  We have to get all of the extra testosterone out of our bodies, otherwise we will be too tense.  If you ever see a guy who is wound up, angry, and uptight then that means there is a good chance that he has kept his loads in a little too long.  Of course, we would always prefer sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow, but it’s not always practical or available.  Don’t feel insulted if your guy beats off even if you are around.  It just means that he thinks you might not want to have sex, he might need to relieve some quick tension and get shit done, or he could be bored.  Either way you look at, even if he has beat off twice that day, it doesn’t mean he still won’t have sex with you.  I don’t know any male at our age range that has ever declined sex when it was reasonable.  So don’t take it personally, it is like he said something that has to be done and yeah it is kind of like laundry, it’s maintenance for the male body.

If anyone wants to submit a question for next week, please send me a Facebook message or e-mail me at dustyelliott95@yahoo.com. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

How to be Poor & Fail Miserably

After nearly flunking out my freshman year of college and having to transfer to another school, knocking up my girlfriend, blowing nearly all of my savings, and moving into my grandparent’s basement, I found myself in a bit of a slump.  I had received a football scholarship to Tusculum College in Greenville when I was 18.  I had my own dorm room which I shared with my best friend at the time, Jeremy, and we did everything typical college students do minus the actual school work part of it.  We spent the majority of our days and nights ignoring our responsibilities and paying a lot of attention to beer and PlayStation.  Needless to say those priorities led to our eventual failure and need to go to another school to avoid any monetary penalties that were accrued due to the lack of academic success.
When I shamefully went and registered at Northeast State the next year I wanted to pick some basic classes and kind of get myself set straight.  I picked English I, American History I, Computer Concepts, and Public Speaking.  The first three classes I felt confident in.  I was well read, I was able to write very efficiently, I knew how to turn on a computer, and I was interested in history but the one that scared me was Public Speaking.  I actually picked it on accident, I meant to pick creative writing but I put down the wrong course number.  At the time I was absolutely terrified about speaking in front of more than 3 or 4 people at a time.  I could riff off all I wanted to when I was hanging with my friends but put me up in front of a class or a group and I felt like shitting in my pants. 
The first couple of classes in Public Speaking went alright because we were just getting instructions on the “art” of speaking in front of others and how to construct a decent speech.  But on our fourth class, we were expected to give our first speech and it was to be a persuasive speech.  I was terrified and conveniently fell ill and missed that class.  My teacher kept me after class on the next meeting and explained that if I didn’t do the next speech that I would fail the course without question.  I explained my fear and he told me the next speech would be a “how-to” speech and that I should just explain something that I knew and I would be fine.  I was 19 years old, broke, and had no real great skills other than writing and occasionally being funny.  I started looking at things in my life that I knew how to do but that I could also make funny.  Making sandwiches wasn’t funny, driving wasn’t funny, and I couldn’t build anything because I am mechanically retarded.  So in an attempt to be a smartass, I decided to do a speech on something that I had excelled at the year before:  How to be poor and fail miserably.  I ran the idea by my teacher and he thought it to be odd and didn’t think it would work, but since I didn’t really listen to any authority figures I did it anyway.
Giving that speech and getting the reaction out of the class and the teacher is what finally gave me some confidence.  I gave it and it killed.  Everyone was laughing and once I saw the reaction I kind of went off script and started riffing and walking around like a comic on stage.  I recently found that speech that I wrote 10 years ago and thought I would put it up and see if it’s still funny (and just for the hell of it).  Hope you enjoy.
How to be Poor and Fail Miserably
This is probably the quickest way
Do you have extra money lying around?  Are you looking for a way to blow it and have nothing to show for it?  Does success scare you?  Well if so, I am here to explain to you how you can screw up so bad that rock bottom looks like a wet dream.  I am an experienced expert in the field and I’d like to share with you how to lose everything and get in so much debt you will literally feel like you are choking on the very air that you breathe. 
You'll never lose enough money drinking
this crap.
Now, first off you are all in college which many misconstrue to be an institute for learning but I know better.  College is for drinking, smoking pot, and having promiscuous sex with people you don’t love or ever want to see again.  Many people with money, power, and success made the mistake of going to college to learn and better themselves.  Now look at them, they are all happy with their big houses, nice cars, and loving families.  You don’t want that do you?  No, because you are listening to me.  So my first step on the way to complete, bone crushing, depressing failure is to buy copious amounts of alcohol with all of that graduation money that you received.  That’s if you still have any left over after Senior Beach Week and didn’t blow it on alcohol and strip clubs.  Some make the mistake of buying cheap beer and bottom shelf liquor.  No, this is wrong.  If you want to get rid of all that money you have, you can’t skimp out and buy Milwaukee’s Best or Barton’s Vodka.  You have to go all out and buy top shelf liquors that you can’t feasibly afford.  Want vodka?  Buy some Grey Goose or Absolut.  Want beer?  Get Heineken or New Castle.  That crap is ridiculously expensive and yet tastes just like the cheap crap.  Don’t just buy a bottle at a time or just enough for yourself, you’ve got money to burn and brain cells to kill.  Go out and buy enough for the whole dormitory floor.  Get hammered every chance that you get, not only will this help drain your meager bank account it will lead to many of the next steps.
Does this look like a man
that can go to class?
If you are hungover all of the time, it makes it very difficult to bother with going to class.  The sun hurts your eyes, noise makes your brain hurt, and you have so much throwing up to do that it’s impossible to actually make it the 100 yards you have to walk to class.  Now this is part of the long-term plan of being poor and failing miserably.  Think of it as an anti-investment.  You are not technically losing any money by not attending class but I promise it will catch up with you in the long run.  By not attending class, you can guarantee that you will either not graduate on time or not at all, thus making it nearly impossible to get a decent job and make any money.  It takes dedication but you have to muscle through it if you truly want to fail at life.
While you are drunk, you tend to make impulsive decisions that you normally would never make.  A favorite of mine was drinking a 12 pack of Corona and driving over to the local Wal-Mart.  How can this make you poor?  You might be asking.  Well, with your decision making capabilities deteriorated to the level of a 4 year old, you tend to buy stuff that has no value or need in your life.  Big ticket items or mass quantities of crap that you don’t need are the way to go.  I loved to buy movies, CDs, junk food, stereo equipment, and tobacco products.  If you buy enough of this useless junk, it can really rack up the dollars wasted.  The next day you see all of the crap that you bought but there’s nothing you can do about it because you were so wasted that you set the receipt on fire.  It’s literally like taking your money, dousing it with gasoline, and throwing a Zippo at it.  You do this, and you’ll be on the fast track to poverty.
If the place that you eat
looks like this, I
promise that you are
wasting money
Now obviously drinking away all of your money, hopes, and dreams isn’t the only way to do it.  It can get boring, so you have to spice it up.  If you are on scholarship, your meals are provided for you as part of the cost.  You can literally go to the cafeteria for all three meals and save a bunch of money, but that’s not the goal is it?  You should go out to eat as often as possible, order steaks, lobster, heck buy your buddies dinner too.  Eating out all of the time is a sure fire way of pissing away all of that cash.  And no, you can’t burn through that money going to McDonalds all the time.  You have to go to Red Lobster or any other place that charges more than $14 per meal.  McDonalds is for later in life when you are so destitute that you are counting pennies out of a change jar and tearing apart your sofa looking for a dollar. 
Mmmm...tastes like everlasting debt
Now some of you might be saying, “Well Mr. Elliott, I don’t really have any cash to begin with.  I’m living off of scholarship money and a minimum wage job, I’m already poor.”  Have no fear; you can fall farther down the spiral.  Credit card companies love to issue cards to new adults under the guise of “helping young adults establish credit and learn responsibility.”  All of that is just a nice way of saying that they want to put you on the hook for $1,000 at 23% interest for the next 10 years.  Generally speaking, you can apply for all four major credit cards and most likely they will all be stupid enough to give you one.  So now you’re looking at least $4,000 worth of plastic that you can blow irresponsibly at your discretion.  This $4,000 after all the interest hits can easily turn into $30,000 that you will spend half your life paying off.  Isn’t that fantastic?  You don’t lose any money up front but you can be guaranteed to be chained to Visa for most of your adult life.  So spend away, just make sure you have nothing to show for it.
All of these are guaranteed methods of becoming a worthless member of society as an adult.  But don’t think that these are the only ways to do it.  There are thousands of creative activities that can be sure to vacuum out all of the money from your wallet such as; have unprotected sex with an unclean yet fertile woman or vice versa for a man, don’t become employed, collect Beanie Babies, or get addicted to heroin.  The possibilities are endless and you just have to focus all of that energy that you would normally be using to make money into ways of wasting it.