Every day I log onto Facebook and see an array of ridiculous things and that’s fine, it’s a public forum for absurdity. However, I feel like there are certain things that clog up the whole thing and could be eliminated for a variety of reasons. Chain posts (letters? I don’t know what to call them), updates on the status of your irritable bowel syndrome (or whatever disgusting bodily functions you might be having), and constant proclamations of love from people who just met or by people who have a seemingly endless line of new partners in their life. It is, like I said, a public forum but it’s hard for people to take you seriously if you do any of these things (with a small, few exceptions i.e. funny or ironic things, those are OK). I understand that you can say whatever you want on Facebook, Twitter, or other social media forums (is MySpace still around?) but I kind of thought the point behind it all is to initiate conversations. Saying something like, “I’m tired” or “I like pizza” aren’t going to exactly set the world aflame for your bold statements. I read some things and I simply have no idea what I could even begin to say and if I do say anything it feels kind of forced. I mean really what can you say to, “I like pizza” besides “Me too”? So here are some ideas of posts or tweets or whatever to avoid, because you won’t initiate any sort of intelligent conversation.
1. Chain posts, chain letters, or anything like that. I don’t know exactly what to call them but basically anything that tells you that you are “not a real (fill in the blank)” if you don’t repost the status. Or a post that tries to shame you into reposting it like, “98% of people won’t repost this, do you have the courage to be the 2% that will?” I always feel half bad for not doing it because some of things that are being said are good valid things like fighting cancer, ending child abuse, eliminating world hunger, and other similar horrible things. It is perfectly fine for a person to champion their cause or spout off about their beliefs but why not just say it instead of making everyone feel bad if they don’t repost it. Every time I see one that I agree with I’m like, “Well, yeah that’s cool but I have something else I would like to say instead. Maybe I’ll just “like” it and that will absolve me of my transgression.” I know a lot of friends that post these so don’t think that I disagree with what you are saying by not reposting it, just accept my “like” and we’ll call it even. The other chain thing I see a lot of is the “if you repost this (enter something great) will happen for you.” When I was 12 this might have worked on me, but I am 30 years old. I know that nothing great will ever come of resending anything. About the best you can hope for out of a chain post is that you will burn about ¼ of a calorie by copying and pasting it. As I stated earlier, funny or ironic ones are fine to post because they do not sound all preachy or self-righteous, they are just attempting to poke fun at the whole phenomenon.
2. Do not tell me about the amount of vomit that just shot out of your mouth or how your last bowel movement was so intense that you popped a blood vessel in your eye. I’m sure that the volume of your last puke session at Porcelain Pulpit was vast but no one cares. If you think that someone might care, then just send them a message along with a picture. If your last log of brownie batter was a foot and half long, don’t tell the world about it, send a picture to your friends that are into giant steamy masses of fecal matter. I have figured that enough had been made of this for people to stop doing it but I still see stuff like this every other day. What do you want me to say about your tear-inducing poo? “Wow, that some fantastic dung you got there!! You should see mine!!”? The only excuse for posting this stuff is if you are really drunk and have the inability to make well informed decision.
3. Don’t start dating someone and immediately proclaim your undying love to them. This makes you look shallow, especially if we all know that you just got out of a relationship. I have people on my friends list who seem to love a new person every couple of weeks. If it is true (which I doubt) then good for you but you might want to wait a bit before singing it from the rooftops. We all sit and laugh at this people because last week she was a lesbian in love with Mary and this week she is in love with a long haul trucker named Hank but since Hank is away so often she also loves Bob and his wife Sharon when she’s lonely. And don’t worry there is a guy version to this as well, I’m not discriminating. Joe could have just ended his marriage of 10 years when he turned 35 and is now in love with a recent high school graduate named Cindy. No one takes you seriously. Everyone assumes that the “constantly in love” girl is probably just promiscuous and thinks that every guy or gal that gives them attention is a new lover and the “recently divorced guy dating a teenager” is just a creepy old pervert. These things may be true, or these people could be legitimately in love (although not likely). So, if you want to save some embarrassment then just wait a little while and see what happens before telling everyone. I never know what to say to the people on Facebook that have the constantly revolving relationship status. Bob is single, Bob is in a relationship, Bob is single, Bob is married, Bob is single. I don’t know what to say each time. I usually go with “Congrats?” or “Sorry?” with the question mark being the key point of emphasis. You don’t know whether to be happy for them or to commiserate with them. How about a relationship that says “Bob is a confused love sick whore and doesn’t know who to love” that’s a lot more honest I think.
All of these are equally annoying/disgusting/confusing but none of them ever really induce an actual conversation or make for anything interesting. So, I think that perhaps as a “social experiment” that I will start to comment on everything that people post. I can make long-winded comments about the contents of their vomit. I can ask some really probing questions about their dookie. I can tell uncomfortable cancer stories (because I can, I’ve had it and I am officially able to do so). I can copy and paste whole thesis papers on topics I know nothing about or am not interested in. I can share long, drawn out, uncomfortable break-up stories to the lovelorn, heartbroken newly single people who will have a new mate next week. Maybe my absurdity can stop other people’s absurdity.
No comments:
Post a Comment