Why Romney is Not the Answer (part 1): Mittens & Marijuana

I was asked recently who or how I was going to vote this coming November. I say asked but I feel it was along the lines of being baited. Although I disagree with a lot of what Obama has done in his 3 1/2 years in office, I certainly do not see Mittens Romney and Paul Ryan being the answer to any problems. If we were looking to compound problems then I would say "absolutely, these are the men for the job" but we are trying to look at making things better.

I believe that Obama, like many other 2 term presidents, will be more likely to make positive changes for the country in his 2nd term. I have a theory on this and yes it is ridiculous but stick with me (metaphors work, dammit). Obama went after the job of president, for what I believe, with the best intentions. He talked about "hope and change" and he seemed to be more of a "one-of-us" type presidents. He was charismatic and gave us all hope that a president was going to get in there and change the game. But then something happened, I believe when a newly elected president is put into office he is breifed on the fact that he is going to function as a puppethead with no real control over anything. He was taken to an underground bunker decorated with goatheads, illuminati imagery, and pentagrams made up of the limbs of virgins. In this bunker, he was seated at a long table constructed of the bones of fallen dictators and is introduced to strange shadowy figures in red robes sewn together with the ligaments and hairs of orphans. These figures were introduced to Obama, via an unseen ominous voice, as the Order of the Red Robes also known as the "real" leaders of the country. No names are exchanged but they are identified and called upon by type of business they run. There is the Red Robe of Big Pharma, the Red Robe of Big Tobacco, the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex, the Red Robe of Finance, and Dick Cheney. The Red Robes told Obama all the wishes that they had. They told him how he was going to advance their causes and continue filling their pockets just as Bush had done before him. When Obama refused, they directed his attention to the video screen that was showing a continous loop of the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. "He refused us one time too many, Mr. Obama" said the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex. And with that Obama has been forced ever since to follow the wants and desires of all the corporate entities of America...or at least the ones with the most money. Obama the puppethead, however, will recieve a repreive if he pleases the Red Robes and be blessed with a victory in his reelection campaign. The reins will be loosened on Obama and he will actually be allowed to get the things done that he wanted all along.

And then again, that is probably all a bunch of bullshit. However, it's probably not too far off because never has it been more obvious that a president has no control as it has been with Obama. Most everything he has done since in office has been influenced by the corporations. Which brings me to this, if Obama was as independent and charasmatic as he was before taking office and seemingly uninfluenced by corporate greed, "What the hell would happen if a corporate whore like Romney took office?" He would greet the theoretical Order of the Red Robes as old friends. His interest is their interest. His beliefs are their beliefs. Romney and Ryan are dangerous and as long as they would play along in the corporate game, they would be allowed to play their own game with their own agendas. So even though I realize that who the President is doesn't matter due to the lobbyists and corporations playing the puppetmaster, I fear the social reprecussions of a possible Mittens' Regime. As always, I would never state an opinion without some backup support and good solid logic. I present to you Part 1 of 5 reasons (as dictated by me) NOT to vote for Mittens/Ryan 2012.

1. Romney has Blatantly Uninformed Views/Beliefs in Marijuana.

I know, I know. You're probably saying "typical hippie shit, he's going to talk about weed now". Well, yes and no. Watch the video I've posted here, I'll wait for you. Ok, did you watch it? Disgusting/hilarious right? First, he asks the guy if he has tried any of the synthetic marijuana, as if synthetics are a safe and viable option. If you don't know about synthetics please feel free to click here   I'll wait again, because there is an obscene amount of articles just on this one legitimate news site about the dangers of synthetic marijuana. Did you read any of them? I hope you didn't just now, I would rather you read the rest of my article first but I insist you go back and read some of this later. For those uninformed about synthetics, let me explain. Perhaps many of you have heard of bath salts, well synthetic marijuana, often known as "spice" or "incense", is the smokable equivalent. Many users of synthetic marijuana have been hospitalized with psychosis. Did you hear about the guy who ate his 40 lb. dog ?  Guess what? He had been smoking "Spice". So Mittens suggests to this already obvious sick young man that to allieviate his pain, perhaps he should smoke some shit that will make him want to eat a puppy. After the young man explains to him that it makes him sick and that marijuana is the ONLY medicine that works on his pain, Mittens simply replies "I don't support medical marijuana" and pulls the move of being "distracted" by another person. It's some of the grossest behavior I've seen exhibited by a politician.

It made me curious as to what Mittens' other thoughts might be on marijuana and here is what he had to say in a May 2012 interview with ABC. 

"I believe marijuana should be illegal in our country. It is the pathway to drug usage by our society, which is a great scourge -- which is one of the great causes of crime in our cities. And I believe that we are at a state where, of course, we are very concerned about people who are suffering pain, and there are various means of providing pain management.....I'm told there is even a synthetic marijuana as well that is available. But having legalized marijuana, in my view, is an effort by a very committed few to try and get marijuana out into the public" 

 

 It's a long quote, I know, but there is that reference to synthetic marijuana again. Man he is really into that "Spice" huh? He also makes reference to other pain management sources. Would you like to know what the most popular medicines are for pain management? Hydrocodone, also known as Loratab or Vicodin, which just so happens to be the #1 prescribed medicine in America and also the #1 most abused prescription drug. Check out this Forbes article discussing the issue here. So Mittens would rather this young man take a highly addictive drug that is responsible for at least 400 deaths per year plus countless patients developing liver failure due to overuse while keeping in mind that marijuana contributes an average of 0 to 1 deaths per year and has no ill-effects on the mind nor the bodies' organs? Sounds a little illogical to me.

But why would Mittens be so against marijuana and so for prescription painkillers and synthetic marijuana? As far as Mittens' obsession with "Spice", I don't know. Perhaps he is ill-informed or perhaps he finds it hilarious when people eat puppies, who am I to say? As far as the prescription painkiller obsession goes, I can say something solid about that. Mittens is a savvy investor and money manager; this is well-known. Romney knows where to put his money (off-shore accounts for instance), in fact, he is a large investor in the company Watson Pharmaceuticals. Watson produces numerous beneficial medicines, but one of their most popular happens to be Loratab, which as we discussed a moment ago, is in the group of the #1 prescribed and abused drug in America. Could that be a possible motive for Mittens? Seems like it to me. The reason Romney would never approve medical marijuana is because it would interfere with his personal bottom-line. Not only that but the total amount of donations from big pharmaceutical companies such as Watson to the GOP has been nearly double than that donated to Democrats over the last 18 years. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2009/01/08/GR2009010800559.html) So I think it is safe to say that Romney is pretty dedicated to keeping his pharmaceutical buddies happy.

 

Marijuana poses a threat to painkillers. The studies of the positive effects of marijuana are numerous. Just check out www.imarijuana.com for proof. I know that the name of the site is a little shady and doesn't ring credibility but it is the easiest to navigate and it draws it's information from credible sources such as Harvard, the National Cancer Institute, and numerous respected doctors and scientists. I encourage anyone who reads this to do your own research on the subject, God knows I have, because I don't want people going forth in the world spouting out secondhand information. I want everyone to be informed and armed with knowledge. I'm not sure if Mittens is informed or not, but with his suggestions of the use of synthetic marijuana it leads me to believe he is a dipshit when it comes to these matters. Romney has no real concern for the American public when it comes to drugs, he has a selfish concern, but not an "overall-well-being" concern. If he truly cared then he wouldn't allow his bottomline and lobbying interests interfere. Hopefully one day he will take a logical look at studies conducted concerning marijuana and its benefits, but until then I guess he will keep going with promoting addictive prescription painkillers and puppy-eating synthetic marijuana. Please make sure to check out the rest of the series as it comes out.  Also go like my page on Facebook and subscribe to this page as well.  And hey, these advertisments are there for your pleasure.

A Christian Psychic in a Crystal Store Fortells My Demise

This isn't quite an official part of my Travelouge, but rather a snipit from last night that was too good not to write about. 

So last night Katie and I ventured our way through the desert to Palm Springs to see the giant Marylin Monroe statue.  My hopes were to see if I could look up her dress and see the glory but alas it was nothing more than colorless concrete.  (Does this mean that Ms. Monroe's lady garden was nothing glorious but rather a dry hard place forboding of all men?)  It just so happened however that there was some sort of giant street fair going on all around the statue up and down the main strip of Palm Springs.  We looked at it as a fortunate experience because we were in dire wanting some activity. 

The street was lined with an assortment of people of all different sorts.  Dolly Parton's methed-out twin sister sold me a necklace made of carved cow bones.  A failed Romanian gymnast sold Katie some crab earrings and a cobra bracelet.  An angry Armenian sold me the greatest pair of sunglasses ever (picture to come in the future when I'm at a computer that isn't from 1983).  Two 6'3 drag queens roamed the streets soliciting people for pictures at $10 a pop.  It was great, it was everything I wanted out of a California experience.  Live music, "You Got Served" style dance-offs, and strange market foods abounded everywhere but one of the most unique experiences was yet to come. 

As we made our way down the strip, we came across what I called a "Hippie Crystal Chakra Shop" which sold healing crystals, dreamcatchers, little Bhudda insence burners, tarot cards, unicorn meat, and every other sort of thing you would associate with crystal hippies.  We went in because, although I don't believe in any of that nonsense, I still find it fascinating.  In the middle of a store sat a bald man adorned in crystals and what looked like a discarded Guess shirt bought or found at a Goodwill store.  He was advertised as a "Psychic as seen on TV".  It didn't list what TV show he was on, but it also didn't discount the fact that it could've been on public access. 

I don't put much, if any, faith in psychics.  I find that they usually are just really good at reading people based on posture, facial expressions, and leading questions.  Sometimes they get lucky and sometimes they are able to lead the follower into giving up all the information to make an informed decision.  Katie wanted to see what he was all about.  She begged for like 10 minutes and I finally said "Fine, see what he says."  The guy worked off of "donations" so there was no set price for his services, so I figured what's the harm.  We walked over to the little man after he had finished with what appeared to be a happy customer and Katie asked him for his services.  He agreed but told me that I could not be present and that perhaps I should take a walk.  I smiled, rolled my eyes and strolled around looking at all the self-help books and pictures of the Dhali Lama. 

Katie sat with the man for about ten minutes and she came and found me when she was done.  As she approached me it looked as if a ghost had just took a crap down her throat.  "What?"  I asked.  She proceeded to tell me all that he fortold.  He told her that she could ask him three things of her choosing and no more.  It could be done in the form of a question or simply a name.  Katie didn't want to give him too much to work with so she kept it simple and said, "My husband."  The little man with the crystals and the Goodwill Guess shirt told her that I have cancer and that he regreted to tell her that I would not survive.  Now this, I hate to admit, did kind of hit home because as some of you may know I've had cancer in the past and beat it and as it stands today, I'm awaiting some test results that will tell me if I have multiple myeloma which they suspect.  I'm not worried about it because that is not really my nature but it does cross my mind and it worries Katie to death. 

Katie was floored at this man's response about me and she said, "Holy f**king shit!!"  He was taken aback by that and told her not to say that as he was a Christian and he promptly prayed her misgivings away before proceeding.  She then asked about our children and somehow he nailed them down to a "t".  He told their ages and even knew that our oldest child was her step-child.  Pretty trippy stuff.  He told her that they would be fine after I'm gone and that they would "get over it in time."  She then asked about herself, would she be okay and would she be alone forever.  The crystal Christian psychic man told her that she would feel near death after I died but would recover with the help of her father (whom she is very close to) and our children and would eventually be with someone who is already in our lives.  Which my interpretation was that she was going to start dating one of my friends dammit!!  Murphy is my one single friend so I guess that means, "Murphy, you better be good to my wife when you marry her after I die." 

So Katie told me all of this through tears and confusion.  I don't know what to really think of it so I've decided that I'm going to put this psychic to the test.  Today I'm going back, dress in a nice button up shirt, not wear a hat, and just look totally different and see if I get the same fortelling.  Katie will not be with me, of course, for I fear that it would be a dead give away.  I will let everyone know by the end of the California day whether or not I'm going to die or not. 

On the bright side of things, whether or not my prediciton of death holds up, I'll be going to the Comedy Store tonight to see two of my favorite comedians, Marc Maron and Sam Tripoli.  I'll look at it as a nice dying wish or a good victory. 

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy, Day 3: Xanax and Conning your way to 1st Class

If you are reading this then you already know that I'm in California and I'm attempting to document as much as possible through the blog, so this introduction is probably redundant.

When I last left you, dear reader, we had settled in to a "hooker-free" hotel much to the relief of my lovely wife.  We settled into the Grand Plaza or something of that nature.  The night was mainly spent not sleeping and worrying about whether we would wake up on time for our flight.  Luckily for us, we spent the whole night sweating and lying awake so when 5:30 AM rolled around we were ready to go.  We rushed out to meet the shuttle at 7:30 to make our flight and head to Hartsfield Jackson Airport. 

I don't believe I mentioned this tidbit of information earlier but my wife is absolutely terrified of flying.  It's not a small fear, it's more of a soul-crushing, tears flowing, vomit inducing fear.  The moment that we stepped of the shuttle bus at the airport my wife went into full-blown panic mode.  Thousands of people were rushing to their flights and to security with ease and confidence...not Katie.  No, she was rushing to find where she had shoved her "flying pills" or as they are better known, Xanax.  Before I tell you this might I say that if I took only one Xanax I would be completely incompacitated for the next 8 to 10 hours.  I would be lying in a puddle of my own drool while being stepped over by all the other alert air travelers. Katie, my dear panicked wife, she pulls out not one but two Xanax's and throws them down her throat.  Now take note that we have only arrived at the airport and there is still security to go through and the security line is seemingly a mile long. 

As we are standing in line, the Xanax takes hold.  Katie goes completely goofy-eyed.  I spend the next 45 minutes nudging her along through security and apologizing for her complete lack of coordination.  Luckily we make it through and get to our gate unscathed and undetained.  I kept waiting for the hammer to fall and be yanked out of line for suspected human trafficking.  I could just imagine the invasive full body search that awaited me and how no one would listen that I wasn't trying to smuggle my wife but that she was just really nervous and had taken too many "flying pills".  But alas, I made it with my dignity in tact.  I thought that we were homefree when we made it to our gate but I did not count on the fact that we would be flying across country with my in-laws.  I can get along fine with them but Katie and her mother are a different story.  They love each other like bin Laden loved America. 

A verbal argument immediately ensued the moment that they saw each other.  As their voices grew louder and the name calling got deeply more nasty, my fear once again grew of the TSA tackling one us and dragging us away to some dank room and stripping us naked.  I've learned that in these situations that all I can do try to be a voice of reason, but if you know of anything dealing with in-laws and your spouse there is no reason or logic.  Only my wife and her parents have the unique ability to argue while under the influence of a benzo.  I finally got everyone involved to shut up and seperate.  We would be sitting on the plane in two totally different sections and the worries should end there.

We boarded and found our cramped quarters in coach as the in-laws sat in First Class, which to my surprise wasn't all that great to begin with.  The main difference in my opinion was the fact that two people sat to a row rather than three and the flight attendant seemed to care about their well-being a little more...oh that and free booze.  Free booze would've been a God-send back in coach.  I could not get my first nerve calming alcoholic beverage fast enough.  My nerves weren't shot due to the anxiety of flight but rather the tension of witnessing a verbal assault and then trying to get three children settled in to their seats while finding all of their headsets and video games.  As I was nervously awaiting a strong drink, I looked up to first class and noticed with envy that my mother in law was already sipping on her first Chardonnay.  Damn you coach and your slow booze slinging flight attendants!!  When I finally got a chance to order a drink I made sure to go ahead and make an "anticipatory order".  God forbid I run out of alcohol and have to wait another 10 minutes.  So I ordered some Merlot and three shooters of vodka, enough to last through the next 4 hours I hoped.

As I settled in with my first glass of wine, I felt that things were starting to calm down.  I put my earbuds in to listen to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.  I was set...until I looked over at my wife.  Somehow she had turned an odd shade of green and was desperately looking for a "barf bag".  As any good husband would do, I first pretended not to notice her and continued listening to my iPod and went to sleep.  Ok, ok, I didn't do that.  I tended to her needs and actually talked her mom into giving up her First Class seat to Katie so that she would have some more room to breathe.  The combination of fear, anxiety, motion sickness, and "flying pills" I fear became too much for her to bear.  She spent the next 3 1/2 hours puking with the First Classers while I sat crammed with my kids and a nice Asian man in coach. 

I found later that she chilled out enough to stop being sick and was able to enjoy her flight.  But I wonder now as I write this, "Was this just her big plot to be able to sit in First Class all along?"  If so, may I just say, "Well done Katie, well done."

Check back tommorrow or later today for Part 2 of day 3 when we actually got to California and experienced the decadence of Hollywood. 

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy Day 1 & 2: A sea of Estrogen & the Fortelling of the Apocalypse in a McDonald's Bathroom

As per the usual I'm off on a summer vacation with my wife and kids....and in-laws.  I wanted to document the travels day by day and see how the weirdness stacks up.

California.  A destination of dreams for me for pretty much the last 31 years of life and if you're counting that would mean basically since I came screaming out of my mother's stomach in 1981.  Everything that I'm interested in and care about when it comes to entertainment and music comes from California.  So it was to my absolute delight that I found that this years vacation would be to the glorious previously unvisited by me California.

A lot of build up has been leading to this trip, a lot of hassle, a lot of near cancelations, but come as of this past Thursday it was absolutely set into concrete with no turning back.  To avoid extra money and hassle, my wife and I decided to fly from Atlanta instead of our home base "airport" of the Tri-Cities.  Somehow it was an extra $300 per ticket to fly from there?!?!  So on Thursday, after what seemed like 2 straight days of packing, we set out for the 4 hour drive to Atlanta where we were planning on staying with my mom who lives down there before flying out.

As with any good and proper road trip there are always fun little stories that happen along the way and this was one without exception.  As we made our way into North Carolina we decided that we were hungry and stopped off at the fabulous McDonalds of whatever God-forsaken area we were in.  I'm not a fan of the place but it was the only offer of any "food" substances within several miles.  After choking down the chicken paste that had been formed into fun-sized nuggets, I made a trip to the bathroom to avoid any further unnecessary stops in our trip.  My visist to this magical McDonald's made the entire drive worth it for me when I overheard the following exchange between two gentlemen around the age of dead dressed in what I figured was either their Sunday best or their Anticipatory Funeral Uniform.

Man #1:  I tell you John, the end is drawing nigh for this whole world.  I jest feel it.

Man #2 (John, I presume):  No doubt brother, make no mistake about it.  God has had about enough of this nonsense.  I feel his holy wrath will be upon us any day now.  We're living in a modern day Sodom and Gommorah.

Man #1:  Yessir, did you see that girl at the register with her nose pierced and that tattoo on her arm?  Looked like one of Satan's harlots if you ask me and you could see it in her, not one bit of shame in her heart for it.  Ain't gonna be no pierced noses or tattoos in the heaven I'm goin' to.

John, I guess?:  Amen brother, amen!!  Well I guess I'll see you in church Sunday?

Man #1:  You better believe it!!

It was all I could do to contain my laughter while hiding away in the stall listening to this exchange.  Old people are hilarious.  The way they think and judge people just tickles me with delight.  I just hope the world doesn't end on them before they can meet up on Sunday again.

Anyway the rest of the drive to Georgia was pretty uneventful and we arrived at around 10:30pm that evening at my mom's house.  Katie was not ready for sleep and I was up for whatever as well, our flight didn't leave until Saturday so we had all of Friday to rest and visit.  So I did what any good and brave husband would do, I took Katie to the midnight opening of "Magic Mike" the Channing Tatum/Matthew McCounaghey stripper movie.  For some reason she has a thing for men with perfectly chiseled bodies that can dance, which does leave some concern for me since I can't dance. 

Anyway we got the tickets and the theater was packed for the grand premiere of this movie.  I didn't mind to see it because I heard that it at least had a story line worthy of not falling asleep to.  When we arrived it was a pure sea of estrogen, nothing but wall to wall teenage to middle age girls and women all excited and squealing.  I knew this was coming but I love my wife lady and didn't mind.  When we made it to our seat I decided to do a "man" head count.  By my scientific count, including myself, there was a total of 8 men in the entire theater of roughly 342.  Eight!!  And of that eight, I was fairly sure that at least four of them were there for the same reason Katie and the other 334 females were there for...Tanning Chatum (yes I know it's wrong but no one ever corrects me when I say it out loud and it's funny to hear women agree with me).  The movie, suprisingly enough, was pretty good.  It wasn't completely about well built men shaking their balls in women's faces, it wasn't all about younger men dry humping questionably attractive women on stage, no there was more to it.  No the two stars of the show for me where the vomit eating pig and the pot dealer who (unseen in the film) that apparently kept McCounaghey high as a kite throughout the entire movie to the point where he had trouble stringing together more than one coherent sentence at a time. 

I was glad to say that I felt that 90% of the women who attended this premeire left unsatisfied.  They never got to see Tanning Chatum's frank and beans, it was kind of a weird artsy film, and there was a big shot of McCounaghey's backsack.  An audible groan eminated the entire theater when it simply ended without resolution while the loan sound of laughter came roaring out of me followed by many dirty looks from teenage girls who snuck in. 

We went back to my mom's house in the suburbs after that at about 2:30 in the morning and prepared for our ultimate departure on Saturday.  If anyone has ever flew out of Atlanta, they can tell you that getting to and parking at that airport can be a nightmare that not too many people would dare choose to inflict upon themselves.  We were trying to figure every which way out of it that we could and finally my dad offered to the solution of staying at a hotel near the airport and just riding the shuttle into the airport directly.  Great idea, right?  In theory yes.

In case you didn't know, dear reader, that airport hotels are made for two things:  travelers and hookers.  Hooker's love to stay at these hotels because the theory is that most of these travelers are lonely businessmen traveling around the country in need of some no strings attached loving.  My dad is a frequent traveler but didn't really know about this particular hotel that he booked for us.  As we were driving to the airport, we crossed a bridge and noticed a very attractive girl with her skirt hiked up above her ass with a man digging his hands into it.  "Ahh, don't worry Katie.  It's just a hooker."  I told my wife.  Well, upon arriving at the Hampton Inn we discovered that it was more along the lines of Hooker Inn.  I was almost immediately accosted by a larger, unattractive woman of undetermined race/ethnicity and told that I could have her for the price of a mere $200.  I explained in the kindest of words, no.  Katie must have heard this same woman as she was waiting for me in the car as she explaining aloud to her friends, "I'mma bout to go pop my thing up in Room 408 and gets me about $200 tonight, girl"  This was all that Katie needed to hear.  As I was inside checking in, I was unaware that Katie was on her cell phone making other plans at a nicer hotel.  By the time I got to the car, it was done.  No more Hooker Inn, we were off to the Grande Plaze which we were guaranteed was "Hooker-Free". 

Check in tommorrow for the next installment where I'll tell you about the Airport Hell, Xanax Flight Assistant, and finally cruising Hollywood.

"Support DUMB, Save Straight Marriage" by guest writer Harry Axelrod

In my continuing effort to give an equal voice to people I disagree with, I’ve opened up my blog to another guest writer this week.  As most of us that have the ability to read already know, North Carolina and its voters have decided that they needed an amendment to protect people from marrying other people that they love…unless they are of the opposite sex.  It was perplexing to me only because I possess logic, intelligence, and have the ability to make rational decisions (and that is my burden to bear).  I wanted to hear from one of the supporters of the amendment but I didn’t just want it to be some random voter plucked off the street.  I wanted someone who was deep into the crevice of the fight to keep marriage straight.  I met with Harry Axelrod of the group, Protecting Marriage’s Sanctity, and asked him if he would like a forum.  I explained that my readers love to hear from different views and that I was sure that he would be welcomed with open arms.   Mr. Axelrod founded his group in 2001 when he first feared the possibility of gay people marrying and he is stationed out of Eureka, North Carolina.  So without further ado,  I present Harry Axelrod.

We dodged a bullet the other day America.  North Carolina and the rest of the great Southern states were under attack and we prevailed….for now.  The gays were trying to get married in our great state.  I know it sounds preposterous but it’s true.  Some of the liberal left will try to tell you that there is no harm in letting them marry.  They will say that it really shouldn’t bother anyone if gays marry.  Well I wanted to take this time and this opportunity to tell you why you should care and why gay men in love with other gay men getting married are dangerous.

Number one, and I think this is well known and obvious but I still need to address it, gay marriage will ultimately destroy the sanctity of marriage.  Why?  Because ultimately my marriage, your marriage, and every other church sanctioned man-woman marriage will be considered void.  And this is what the gays want.  They don’t want to marry each other out of the pure love for one another.  They don’t want to be considered equals and share their lives together like every other American citizen has the right to.  No, they want to make sure all of our REAL marriages are destroyed.  Just look at it.  Let’s say that Bobby is married to Peggy.  They have a white house with a picket fence, two children, and a dog.  They are America’s standard, but if gay marriage were legalized Bobby would leave Peggy, change his name to Roberto, wear earrings, and marry Joey the plumber and Peggy dies on an overdose of Xanax and Jim Beam and the children will have no parents.  That’s what the gays want to do to our beautiful institution of marriage.  Gays want to leave a trail of depressed dead women and orphans.

Number two, gays want to eradicate the human race.  It’s a well-known fact that gay people will only raise gay children (if they are allowed to marry and adopt) and that will just cause a further epidemic of gayness.  Pretty soon everyone will be gay-married, because the gay kids will marry one another, no one will be able to reproduce because there is no womb in a man’s rectum, and the human race will be extinct like the dinosaurs.  Gays are to the human race what premarital sex is to a promising future…you can’t have both.  And just think about it a little further, when no babies are being born, there will be no need for schools which will leave millions of unemployed teachers.  Gays hate teachers and education.  Gaydom is trying to tear down our society. 

I could easily list at least 985,987 different bullet points as to how gay marriage will thrust a hot poker of death in the anus of America, but I don’t believe you want to sit here and read that much.  I think that in your souls that you know that allowing two human beings who are in love with each other to enter into a committed union together is the last thing that our nation needs.  We need to stop it.  We don’t need to worry about unemployment, health care, social security, or national defense.  All of that will take care of itself once we stop gay people from marrying each other because as science (and by science I mean Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell) tells us, gays are the reason for every bad thing that has happened to America…ever.  If we can eliminate gay marriage, we can ultimately break the will of all of these gays and turn straight in despair.  They will have no choice but to be straight once we deny them the right to marriage.  I know this because science also tells us that being gay is a choice, so if one can choose to be gay then they can choose to be straight as well.  So join me and my fellow members of PMS to march on Washington to demand that our bill for marriage protection be brought to Congress and Senate.  I have drafted a bill in my spare time between teaching kindergarteners that will ultimately put this gay marriage issue to rest.  It’s called Defending the Union of Marriage Bill or DUMB for short.  My bill, if passed or even considered, will make it a federal offense to even try to get gay-married, it will abolish all the so called “unions” granted by the devil states before, and it will rescue all the children adopted by the well to do, rich gay couples and place them in loving orphanages run by my wife, Lucy Axelrod.  We can save this country, we can all follow the steps of North Carolina and their progressive stance.  I urge you all to write your Congressmen and demand that PMS should be heard and that you support DUMB.  Thank you.

Duh, Duh, Da, Duh Dora: Breaking it down as an adult

I thought it was all over.  I thought I would never have to do it or see it again.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I’ve had to reintroduce one of the worst soul-sucking, mind melting, and heart destroying elements of American culture back into my life…Nick Jr.  For those fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with what Nick Jr. is let me give a brief description for you.  Nick Jr. is a vortex of talentless “writers” and “creators” that couldn’t hack it in the real entertainment industry where they can display their sad attempt at cartoons/kids entertainment.  Nick Jr. is aimed towards the ages of 0 to 3 years.  They have shows that include giant elephant abortions such as Dora the Explorer, Wow Wow Wubbzy, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Down’s syndrome Hyper Monkey Squad.  Ok, everything except the monkey show but I’m waiting on it to show up any day.  I thought once my now 4 year old discovered better more mature entertainment a year and a half ago that I would never have to watch this channel again.  I was relieved but wrong. 

I recently started watching my sister’s kids part time to help supplement some income.  I’ve affectionately dubbed our home daycare, “The Bearded Nanny”.  I don’t mind the kids so much except the crying, the diapers, and the poop art but I hate their TV viewing decisions more than any of that.  The 2 year old loves and I do mean loves all things Nick Jr.  Obviously she has no taste, because as she devoured her own boogers she happily watched an episode of “Dora the Explorer”.  To give you an idea of how ridiculous the show is I’m going to describe the entire episode in adult language.

Dora, a young precocious girl of an undetermined age, is venturing across the vast jungle/desert/carnival field with her talking monkey friend who wears red boots.  Dora has daily missions that are assigned to her from her various talking animal friends.  There is no sign of Dora’s parents anywhere.  Dora’s talking monkey friend, Boots, has decided that he wants to see his father because Dora was kind enough to dub the day, “Boot’s Special Day”.  We are reminded of this new holiday every 10 to 15 seconds as the talking monkey repeats the notion of his special day.  I’m not sure why Boots and his father are estranged but I’m sure as the episode progresses we may gain some insight to the situation. 

They start their journey in the middle of what appears to be a random field with a few sparse trees and grass.  Neither Dora nor Boots knows exactly where to find Boots’ father but luckily Dora has a magical talking map that jumps out of her magical talking backpack that can locate anyone or anything in the world only if you ask for it three times.  After Dora and Boots request the presence of the map three times, he jumps out of the backpack and sings a song.  The song is there to introduce you to him in case you missed the part of them repeatedly asking for him and the fact that he looks like a map with eyes and a mouth.  It is a simple song where he repeats his name over and over.  Through his advanced GPS technology, the map is able to locate Boots’ estranged father working in a carnival.  It is clear that there is an easier way of going around to get to the carnival but the map instructs them that they must travel through a jungle, past a desert, and magically back to a random field which is holding the carnival.  Dora and Boots follow the map’s odd directions, completely ignoring the easy route of simply going around all of these obstacles, without question.  To ensure that the directions are burned into their minds, the map makes sure to repeat the directions 3 times (he has a thing about the number 3). 

As Dora and her talking monkey friend begin their journey it is a beautiful ideal day with the sun shining brightly, a perfect day to find one’s estranged father if you ask me.  Dora decides that they should collect some special stars to guide them upon their way…in the middle of the afternoon.  As they trudge along they are able to capture 5 stars and trap them into her magical backpack.  The stars, which can also talk and appear to have minds of their own, willingly jump into the back pack without protest.  The first obstacle that befalls Dora and Boots is the thick jungle.  Dora curiously questions aloud to know one in particular, “Which path do you think will get us through the jungle?”  She waits about 4 seconds in silence and agrees with whatever the voice in her head told her and takes the path that is obviously not blocked with fallen trees.  As they trudge through the clear jungle path they come across a baby jaguar and its friend Diego.  We find out that Diego and Dora know each other and are probably related because Diego looks just like Dora in a different outfit and shorter hair.  Diego agrees to help Dora and the talking monkey through the rest of the jungle with the help of his own magical backpack.  Diego’s backpack doesn’t talk like Dora’s does but it does have the ability to turn into anything in the world.  Diego, like Dora, ponders aloud the question of “Which of these will help us get through the jungle?”  The choices presented for the invisible internal voice are a boat, a four-wheeler, or bobsled.  I’m not sure why Diego has to ask which one will work the best because it seems obvious that one could not bobsled through the trees nor could one paddle through the dirt.  Alas, Diego waits the standard 4 count moment of silence and figures out that the four-wheeler will be the obvious choice.  Diego helps Dora and Boots on to the four-wheeler which for some reason is equipped with seat belts (it must be some new or modified model or perhaps the magical backpack made it so).  The lazy Dora and Boots ride for what seems to be roughly 100 feet to the edge of the jungle to another grassy field and abandon the four-wheeler.  I find this rude not to return the four-wheeler back to Diego but I’m sure he could simply walk the extra 100 feet and get it himself.

Once they reach this new grassy field they are greeted by a Spanish speaking mole/mouse figure who seems troubled by something because he’s frantically yelling something in Spanish and waving his arms in the air.  Luckily Dora speaks Spanish and communicates with him.  It seems that the mole/mouse has lost his kite and expects Dora and the monkey to find it for him.  We are reminded that today is “Boots’ Special Day” and that the monkey needs to find his father to complete the specialness of it.  He is implying that there is not enough time to get this kite but Dora urges Boots to climb the tree where the kite is stuck so they can move along.  For his efforts, Dora gives Boots a banana.  The mole/mouse seems thankful because he says “gracias” (which through Mr. Bowden’s Spanish class, I am able to decipher that this means “thanks”).  Dora tells the mole/mouse that they have just braved their way through the jungle and are now in search of the desert.  The mole/mouse is not much help and points off into a general direction of a snow covered mountain next to a desert.  Once again Dora implores aloud, “Do you see which way the desert is?”  Apparently her internal voice tells her that obviously the path that leads to a bunch of sand is the way to go. 

Dora and her talking monkey friend with a special day make it through the desert obstacle course without much hassle.  They do, however, find it fun to let the stars out to help them count how many cactuses they see.  The stars are temporarily free of Dora’s magical backpack but once they are done counting the cactuses they fly right back into it rather than making a run for outer space.  We find that there are 8 cactuses in the entire desert which could be useful if you are ever traveling through and need to drink some of the sweet watery mescal that cactuses produce. 

As they approach the end of the desert, we can see the carnival off in the distance in a plush, grassy, green field.  Once again, Dora patronizes her monkey friend with a banana for his efforts of crossing the desert and counting cactuses.  When they hit the grass, Dora and Boots come upon an octopus playing with eight yo-yos.  It is never questioned as to why this aquatic animal is at the edge of the desert and a grassy field with no ocean in sight nor is it questioned as to why he is playing with 8 yo-yos.  As the octopus is offering Boots a brand new yo-yo for his “special” day, we hear a “swish, swish” sound.  The swish sound is obviously the indicator that something is awry in Dora’s fantasy land.  She warns no one in particular that it must be Swiper the Fox.  Swiper, as it is explained to us, is a sneaky, thieving fox who steals for no reason.  The viewer will also be able to tell that Swiper is evil because he wears a mask that only covers his eye.  Boots and the dry land octopus are keenly aware of the circumstances and hold all of their possessions close to their bodies.  Swiper appears out of the bushes and lunges towards the octopus from behind and steals a yo-yo.  Everyone is devastated and demand the prompt return of the stolen yo-yo.  The viewer is left to think that the fox will not go down without a fight but Dora shouts an incantation of “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping” and renders the fox powerless as he is forced to hand over the stolen yo-yo to the octopus.  The octopus actually thanks the thief for returning his property and doesn’t even turn him into the authorities and is thus allowed to continue his stealing ways unpunished.  Since the octopus has been reminded 3 times that today is “Boots’ Special Day” he offers the monkey his first non-banana present of the day.  Boots gets a yo-yo which makes him break out into happy hysterics of screeching and acting like the monkey he is.  Dora quietly enjoys watching the talking monkey revert back to his natural animal self for a moment.

After receiving the yo-yo, Boots sees that his father is working away as a rollercoaster operator at the carnival.  He runs to his father in excitement, hugs him hard, and offers him a banana.  The estranged father seems oddly happy to see the son that he had abandoned and as a consolation for his absence he offers Boots a free ride on the rollercoaster that he operates.  It is probably out of guilt that he does this because Boots, as he has done all day when he meets someone, tells his father that today is his “special” day.  When they all got onto the loan rollercoaster car I wondered who would operate the rollercoaster since the father was along for the ride.  I didn’t have the foresight to see that the car that they were in would be a magical Spanish speaking car that could only be operated by shouting Spanish words at it.  After a short 5 second ride on the coaster, they all hooped off and had an impromptu singing and dancing party in celebration of this special day.

Now if you were able to read that whole story, aren’t you amazed at what cartoons are teaching our children?  A child and her talking monkey can go wondering about without any supervision through jungles and deserts.  It is okay to talk to strangers and accept gifts from them.  Stopping a thief is as easy as telling them to “stop” and there will be no repercussions for breaking the law.  And it’s easy to reconcile your parent’s abandonment with a banana and a rollercoaster ride.  Dangerous lessons indeed.  But I guess that is why Dora’s theme song goes along so well with the horrible themes of this show, “Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.  Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.” 

Maybe next time we can talk about Wubbzy's message of being a useless lazy member of society and how it makes you cool.

E-mails from an Unhappy Angry Woman

Probably the picture that warranted me the most threats
Go check it out, most of them are still there.

Those of you who follow my Facebook page, Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething, may have noticed that in the past month that I've spent a lot of that time upsetting a lot of people.  I had an idea to take publicly available pictures from various local websites and add some of my own captions to them.  It's not hard to find some pretty embarrassing pictures of people from the Tri-Cities, I won't give up my sources but it's not hard to figure out.  I recieved a lot of interesting comments and messages over it varying from "get my sister off your page" or "that's my fiance" or my favorite "Well I guess that makes me a celebrity."  One gentleman even invited me to his "hood" and offered to stomp my ass into the ground and slit my throat.  I respectfully declined his offer. 

I just like making people happy

Most of this was done in a public manner through the comments section but one person decided to personally message me.  I had posted a fairly popular picture of a woman hiking her leg up perfectly vertical with a skirt on with her child in the background looking on in curiosity.  The first time I posted it I didn't blur the faces out and I was contacted and told to remove it.  I did as I was asked and removed it, blurred the faces, and put it right back up.  Which then prompted this series of wonderful correspondences between myself and this anonymous woman.  I only thought it fair to share these e-mails so everyone else could enjoy them as much as I did. 

(Note:  These are completely unaltered except for the removal of her name.  Everything else is 100% verbatim)

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
I told I once to take my pic down I have spook with the autortys of this
i have contacted facebook and the autortys over this because you have done this more than once to me ur page will be shut down ur smartest thing would be to take it down or i will go forward with leagl actions agenct you do you understand that my lawer has already looked at it and it is harssment and my child is in the back ground of it you have know right putting pics that you had no way of getting on here.

Grumpy: 
Ms. *****, the faces of whoever these pics are of are clearly blurred out. The pic is clearly for the purpose of humor and there is no harm being done here. There is no malice. Also, if this is you, no one would know until you identified yourself on the page. Pictures like this fall under the parody/satire laws. There is no wrong doing in the picture being posted. If there is a problem with me using a picture like this then sites such as People of Walmart, Humorgasms, WTFTattoos, and other similar sites would be shut down. It would probably be easier and better if you could just laugh at it for what it is. It's a funny picture/scenario with TWO blurred out faces and no names attatched to it. I really find it difficult to comprehend why this picture upsets you. People send me funny pictures, stories, and e-mails all the time and this was no different. I'm sorry that you do not find humor in a humorous situation. I would hope that if there was a funny picture of me out there on the internet that people would share it and find joy in it. As a matter of fact, I welcome you to take any picture you find of me and do with it as you please. There are plenty to choose from and it is my gesture of good will to you or anyone else. If you choose not to find joy in it or take me up on my offer, then I urge you to start your own page perhaps demanding the removal of all humorous websites that use photos of non-celebrities in funny situations.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
i dont care i know it is me and my child and really i dont care of any off the other websites on here i know that this is me and i dont want it on someones page the point is it needs to come down i know alot of people that looks at your page and this was a halloween party that somepeople in my family did not come too and i do not want them to see this it is my body and my kids i would really like you to take it down find someone else to pick on this could cause a lot of prom, in my family bye doing this please take it down i have already deleted on facebook because of you doing it once befor please

and another thing is it was funny at the time for the people that was here when that was going on but it anit funny when you see it on someone else page it dose kind of hurt and i really dont need this stuff going on in my life it cause a lot of drama with family

if it did not have my kid in the back ground i would not be as upset with it but i do not like the pic and it makes me look like a whore when i have been married for 11 years if my husband seen this he would be pissed and i would not here the end of it i really hope you understand my point of veiw with this just please take it down

just please find someones else pics to mess with leave my out of it please

you know it is bad when you have a 10 year old and a 8 year old thats wants to get up and go to church on easter moring and yet i have to set up hafe the nite trying to get a pic on a web site that shopuld have neve been put up there in the 1st place you know you need too tell god ur sorry for keeping me up all nite


Grumpy: 
I assure you that no harm was intended in the posting of this picture. I would never pick on an individual in a public manner like this. If there are certain people that you would like me to block from seeing this picture (family, friends, or whoever) I would gladly do so. Please understand that I'm not intending on being rude and that is why the faces were blurred out. I made sure that there was nothing identifying anyone in this picture as I am acutely aware that a lot of local people look at this page and even people as far as California. Other faces in other pictures are not blurred because they were already public pictures available for anyone to see, but this particular picture was sent to me from another person. The person told me that I could use it as I saw fit. The initial picture didn't have the faces blurred out and was promptly taken down. I apologize for any hurt that people may have thrown on you, they are silly, humorless sad people.
I'll consult myself on taking the picture down.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
please because there is alot of people that comes to my house and knows that is my house and know that is me and who sent the pic to you

Grumpy: 
I'll make a deal with you. I'll take it down if I can publish our e-mail exchanges. I will remove your name and picture and no one will have to know it is you. I think it would make for an amusing scenario. Sorry about whoever alerted you to the picture and that you are up so late, God is okay with it. How about it?

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
really i dont want nothing to do with you website and how do i know that you will just block my pic and name from me seeing it no i would rather not but i will make a deal with you i do have so reall good pics from when i was in high school of somepeople that is on your page i will send you in the next few days you will have to let me dig them out
just tell me who sent the pic to you of me

And then I fell asleep for awhile because it was indeed late, I didn't respond to her for the next 12 hours until I got this. 

Unhappy Angry Woman: 

u tank the pic down now and dont show my face or email and u can post the emails but if i find my face or my name back up here or get a call from a friend i will contact my lawer

well name 

i ask u to take it down now the next time you here from me will be in court
unless you take it down now no posting the emails we have snt too each other i was going to be nice about it but u could not do anything that was right i have made a copy of the emails we have sent and i have sent them to my lawer in email

Grumpy: 
You are getting pretty snippy, I will take it down for now because I don't like threats. Wouldn't a court find it funny that you were willing to throw your friends under the bus to get your picture off of here? Anyway, I'll take it down from the page. You are now free to get your panties out of a bunch.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 

i never said that they was my friends and thank you very much

you dont know how much better i fill for you saying that and just to let you know i will send you some pics i think you will like that are really funny can you do youtube on ur page i will help you with pics and keep your web page being funny just for doing the right thing

and just to let you know i dont have any friends but one that i trust the rest of them are crap friend dont trun there back on you when something gose bad and friends dont make fun of you

Grumpy:  Dearest Ms. *****, you have provided me with much entertainment.  I appreciate your candor and threats.  But now I must really stop our correspondence because my eyes hurt, please rest assured that I will not name you nor use your face in any picture.  You will remain a mystery, but make sure to subscribe to my page and see if you can get upset over anything else in the future.  I feel we haven't spoke for the last time.

I haven't heard anything from her since because I did take down the picture for the time being.  Everything else is completely public if you want to check out the other awesome people who hate me.