After 30 years on this floating, rotating rock, I've observed a lot of crap. I find small joys in some of the crap and get pissed about the rest. My happiness comes from writing it out.
As many of you know I have been experimenting a lot with making different memes/pictures/parodies etc. I enjoy being entertained by the many funny/interesting things I see on the internet through Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, reddit, etc. However, the one thing that drives me nuts (ok not the ONE thing but one amongst many) are these horrible, generic inspirational quotes from some obscure poet or author laid over some random picture that has nothing to do with the quote being posted all over Tumblr and Facebook.
I've seen these things get thousands of shares, likes, reposts, etc and I've thought to myself, "Anyone could do this." I strive to be funny and entertaining in all aspects of my life. I firmly believe that nothing should be posted to the internet if it doesn't fall under one of three categories: 1) Be Funny 2) Be Informative 3) Be Entertaining. That's it or you can ask a question, questions are good too. Too many things are posted that do not fall under any of these categories and I hate them.
However, I know that they are not going away because I do not rule the internet and not that many people listen to me anyway. So I figured that if people are going to continue posting these "inspirational" pictures/messages that I could contribute as well. I noticed that a lot of people use poets as their source for "inspiration" and I thought, "well, we really don't have poets anymore, at least not really popular ones, so who are our modern day poets?" The answer: rappers.
This is from "rapper" Waka Flaka Flame.
Yep, that's his name
I've scoured the interwebs through rap lyrics and found countless treasure troves of "poetry" and I've wanted to share them with my fans or people who read the stuff I publish. The preposterous lyrics that I've found are beyond words and only pictures can do them justice.
Ok, I've been lying, these lyrics are SO bad. I don't understand how any intelligent people could enjoy this stuff. It makes me sad that these rappers are rich because they can rhyme extremely simple words like "hump" and "lump" or "straight" and "cake". I do have some hope however because this means that my children could potentially be superstars because they could easily sit down and write these lyrics.
As always I wanted to share some of the greatness of this with you, dear reader. Now keep in mind as you look at these pictures that these are grown ass adults writing this stuff, not children. Well, I guess it would be pretty bad if a 10 year old wrote the lyrics to the right, but those kitties sure are cute.
I love this song, as stupid as it is.
Some are dirtier than others but as I've stated before no one should be offended by anything because dirty words don't effect or hurt anyone and if you think that they do then you are a moron.
Some rappers pull their inspiration from their love of sex. As my friend Christian Norman put it, "It's like they have Tourette's and are on Viagra" This is an example of the Tourette/Viagra phenom.
Others are so nonsensical that I don't even know what to say about them. I've never met a lady that wanted to be shat upon, but I guess if I did, the very least I would do would be to offer her some baby wipes.
If you like all the stuff I do or if you hate it and want to tell me how much you hate me. Find me on Facebook at "Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething" and like the page. Please share, subscribe, and like as you see fit.
I know, I know. It has been a really long time since I've done anything on here and I feel like a lazy useless person for it. Lately too many things going on to have any sort of time to sit down and write any sort of extended piece. However, it only takes a few moments to make some pictures.
Lately, I've been noticing WAY TOO MANY of all of those super-generic-scenic-cliche "inspirational" pictures. The basic formula is this:
Find a picture of landscape or crowd of people
Make up a cliche quote or steal one from a famous person
Make sure that the picture and the words do not relate in any way whatsoever
Combine in preferred photo-editing software
Post to Facebook and get 10,000 likes from sheep people.
So like any responsible blogger/writer/aspiring comedy person, I've not been able to avoid the irony of everyone of them that I've seen. I see 100 or more pictures everytime I log onto any social media site telling me how perfect I am, how I shouldn't regret anything, or how I'm not fat but rather beautiful.
I cannot imagine that anyone believes those things and when they read them they say, "Yeah, that's right. I'm not going to diet now that I know I'm already perfect" or "Yeah, why should I ever look at any past mistakes in my life and learn from them? The future is now."
As always I couldn't help but try to point this out. So I made a few and if anyone else has some more I would love to see them.
And lastly, don't be afraid to follow your dreams....
I've seen a ton of internet reaction videos over the years. I've seen the videos that are being reacted to like "2 Girls 1 Cup", "Mr. Hands", "BME Pain Olympics" and etc. They have all horrified me and disgusted me but perhaps none quite as bad as one that was recently shown to me by my friend "Smurphy Black" (I wanted to protect his identity). I'm sure there are a lot of these videos out there and I don't give a damn if I ever see another one. So I didn't want my own reaction on video (because I don't ever want to watch it again) so we had my wife and her friend Val take a look. The reaction is great and then the running commentary that they made was even better. What surprised me was the length of time that they watched it, Smurphy and I only made it like 45 seconds watching it, they made it like 8 minutes. So here it is, watch if you want and yes there is filthy language in it because we are watching a filthy video. Enjoy it!!
If you are interested in watching the orginal video, then there is something really wrong with first of all, but you can find it just by googling it. But I really, really don't recommend doing that.
The title says it all but let me elaborate because just having a title would make for a pretty boring post. My wife, who is not yet a seasoned, grizzled thirtysomething, went out dancing with some friends the other night. It was her first time in something like two years and I didn't mind because if you ever saw me back in the late 90's/early 2000's then you know that I can't dance. When you are almost 6'3 all of your "moves" seem to be accentuated and exaggerated, so when it is bad it is terrible. I'm not one to let my own shortcomings prevent others from enjoying themselves so when she was invited by some friends I saw it as an opportunity to have some XBox/Netflix time to myself. After a couple of hours, Katie (the wife lady) came home very distressed. I didn't know what to think initially (possible roofie, overpriced drinks, skanks) but I just let her talk. "I'm old." she said, "I don't know what the hell that music was and I don't know what kind of dancing that could possibly be." She went on to tell me of a new dance or something called "the Clap" which, to the best of her understanding, included one girl in the middle of a circle shaking her ass while everyone in the circle of humans claps their hands in a "alligator-like" motion and tells the girl in the middle that they are giving her "the Clap". When Katie heard this, she asked these 18-21 year olds why they were encouraging each other to get gonorrhea. None of them knew what that meant. All of this made me think, "What kind of music are we (not me) listening to today? What sort of musical abortions are being pushed into the earholes of our youth? Is there anything I can do to stop this tragedy?"
I searched through the Billboard Hot 100 chart to find out what people are listening to and to hopefully try to help remedy it. I picked out a few songs that could possibly lead to uncontrolable vomiting, violent bleeding from the ears, and spontaneous bowel release and then made an alternate suggestion. My alternate suggestions are songs that are markedly better but in the same style or theme of the vomit-inducing song. I see no need for people, in particular our youth, to be listening to songs that cause spastic bowels when there is so much out there. The youth represents our future and we can't have them thinking Nicki Minaj is as talented as Aretha Franklin or that Lady Gaga is Madonna.
Nicki Minaj - Va Va Voom
I don't necessarily mean to pick on this cartoon character but after listening to a couple of her songs, she deserves it. This one in particular was my pick for best worst song of hers, but then again I only listened to three songs so I don't have a large pool to choose from. (I'm sure there are worse, feel free to let me know) Ok, so the quick break down on this song is that she is hanging out at different clubs looking for married guys that she can take home, make a sex tape with, and hopefully change their minds about being married. No really, I read the lyrics to make sure. I'm not judging, I don't care what she sings about really but it's the fact that it is sounds so preposterous and overproduced. The singing parts sound overly autotuned but not in that obvious T-Pain style but rather in the way that you say, "Bet she doesn't sound like that live." The rap parts are childish, if a child was trying to pick up a married man in a bar. When she can't rhyme two words, she just makes a sound at the end of the second word to make it rhyme. So if you are looking for a rap song about random sex and cheating (in which there are literally thousands) might I recommend instead....Naughty By Nature's "O.P.P."
Sure there are the aforementioned thousands of rap songs about cheating and infidelity but none of them celebrated it quite like Naughty by Nature. What they did was actually make a clear, catchy song that got the point across just as hard as Ms. Minaj but they included everyone in the equation and made it sound okay and like a party. Women could cheat, men could cheat, and as long as everyone wore a condom then everything would be fine. Another thing about this song is this, "Do you think anyone will remember Minaj's "Va Va Voom" in 20 years? Nope, but everyone remembers "O.P.P."
Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
I'm not necessarily saying that this is a bad break up song but I am saying that she has built an entire career off of break up songs. It has continually blown my mind that everyone keeps falling all over her songs. You hear jokes about it on all the late night shows, the comedy podcasts, the panel shows, and entertainment blogs but yet still girls love her. Why? There are far more awesome break-up songs out there that can equally get your point across. For this one I wanted to list more than one but I went with one that I still feel is one of the biggest burns ever dropped on an album and I'm a little ashamed to admit it....Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me a River"
I know there are more classic ones than this but for me this one was personal. I haven't always been married and I lived with a girl for a few years in my early 20's and even created a child with her. We are cool now but when we broke up back in the day, I listened to the shit out of this song. It said everything I wanted to say to her. And that's what I think makes for a good break-up song, it should convey all of your feelings and you should believe the singer means every damn word of it. I just don't feel like Taylor Swift has been in a relationship long enough to even write a heartfelt song, so I disqualify her until she has a boyfriend for more than 6 months. I'm not posting the videos for some of the others but I will list them with links because they are too good not to and they put Taylor Swift to shame. In no particular order, Cee Lo - "Fuck You" , Cake - "I Will Survive" , and here is a list of the top 50, in which none of them are Taylor Swift songs, here.
Fun. - We Are Young
I don't completely hate this song but I feel like they are kind of like a dramatic pseudo-boy band who listened to a lot of Queen. This isn't necessarily a terrible song, it's really okay the first time or two that you hear it but then you hear it for the 427th time and it really irritates you and you start to make that connection that they are trying to fool you into liking them. You won't immediately start bleeding from the ears but if you listen too much or too long you just might. Instead, might I suggest that you listen to what they listened to and see which one you like better. Queen had a lot of great songs but probably none more dramatic (Fun.) than "Bohemian Rhapsody". Compare and contrast, if you will.
I understand that they are completely different songs but the flare for the dramatic is definitely present and not only in this one Fun. song. I checked out others and it seems to be a theme. It's fine but I would rather go with Queen or maybe Pink Floyd.
I know that you think I'm getting ready to pick on Britney Spears don't you? Well, a little but this venom is aimed more at will.i.am. He is quite possibly the least talented, most annoying, most overexposed, bowel-twitching, pile of talentless shit that we have in American music now. Need proof? Ok, take out the little catchy beat of this song and listen to the words. Or if you want to save your ears, I'll give you some of the super clever, well thought out lyrics ever put to paper that took will.i.am plus two other writers to come up with:
"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out And scream and shout and let it out We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh I wanna scream and shout and let it all out And scream and shout and let it out We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh"
Yeah, it took a total of three writers to make that. And yes, he is correct, I do want to scream and shout...in pain. I imagine that this song is being played right now in an underground secret military bunker ran by the CIA holding terrorists in windowless cells in pitch darkness on cold wet concrete floors. It is being pumped into their cells as punishment. It is being used to break their will. will.i.am might be the most important figure in the CIA. Who knows the countless numbers of terrorists he has broken with his shitty music? Thanks Willy, glad you are good for something. My only stab at Britney is this, "Dear Britney, you are a hillbilly and no one is fooled by that terrible British accent."
If you are wanting to listen to a good collaboration between a rapper and a lady singer, I can give you better. Hell, I imagine if Helen Keller were still alive she find you a better collabrotive song. However, I picked "Stan" by Eminem and Dido. Listen to "Scream and Shout" and "Stan" back to back and I promise you will cry in sadness thinking about how will.i.am is so popular.
I'm not shitting on all of modern music because there great bands and singers like the Black Keys, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, and many, many others. But there are far too many terrible "artists" out there raping the music industry and sodomizing the ears of impressionable teens and early 20-somethings. Please put a stop to it, and listen to something great today in protest.
Recently when I posted my Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits blog, a fellow smart person posted a comment and a link to his personal art blog. Anyone that takes the time to comment on anything, in my book, is worthwhile of checking out. I clicked the link and was blown away by the artist. I just wanted to share this stuff with you all because it is fantastic. It reminds me a little of Ralph Steadman of Fear and Loathing fame but with perhaps more acid. I do not personally know Hardin but I told him that I wanted to share with everyone the work he is doing. So if you are an art fan or just like really cool pictures please click the link.
Also, just as a sample, I wanted to share on this page the FauxNews picture he made. It might be my favorite.
I was delighted this morning when I went to read through the Huffington Post and found a new Ann Coulter clip. Ann Coulter is one of my favorite comedians and has kept me entertained for years. The only thing is though, she has no Comedy albums or specials, instead she has little guest appearances on FauxNews and other shows that are eager to hear her well thought out, considerate views. She is kind of like the one-woman show equivalent of another hilarious traveling improv group, the Westboro Baptist Church.
I believe that both her and the infamous hate group are really just a bunch of failed actors who couldn't make it to the big screen and had to find another way to make money. They troll us all and get us all upset and they ultimately win. Well, while I do think that we should find everything Ann Coulter and the WBC do repulsive, I also think that we should see it for what it is: large scale trolling. They are like those douchebags that can find a negative, adverse thing to say about any given subject, picture, or story. I guarantee that if you go to any large Facebook page, scroll through and find the most innocent looking picture of a baby or flowers, you will see a comment on there somewhere that says "That's a gay baby" or "Flowers are the devil's tools for sin" or something equally ridiculous. And this is exactly what people like Ann Coulter does, give that bitch any subject and she can find away to twist it up and piss off every American with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's. So instead of getting angry, just see it for what it is and have a laugh, and realize that only bottom feeders buy into this crap.
Here is the clip that had me laughing in disbelief this morning. You see, this attention whore needed some new attention and thought it would be funny to say that we should publish a list of all women who've had an abortion so we would know who would be willing to murder a child. If you watch carefully, you can see the split second before she says it and the moment afterwards that she is obviously trolling. She knows what she just said is preposterous but that moment afterwards she also knows that she just got herself a new YouTube clip. She doesn't believe in a damn thing that she says. She just keeps on thinking of the most horrific things to say and vomits them out for attention....because she's an attention whore.
The great part of what the Huffington Post made was what I like to call a "Greatest Hits of Ann" and I wanted to link it here for you. It's given me a lot of laughs this morning. Check it out here.
After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles. Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me. It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity. Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping. Is this the life I want? Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done? Yeah, pretty much. I don't like my current station in life of just getting by. I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!! I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog. Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right? Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song.
This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan
I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since. I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them. John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news. You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate. An extremist if you will. Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex. He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse. Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night. The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing. My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?" But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex: micro-baby-dick. Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time. He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link. Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis.
Happy Bert Day!!! 7 Hours of Bert Kreischer
Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience. What did this mean for me? No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do. If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video. This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style. I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him. He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him. At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone. Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much. You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever. Or you can click on the links from earlier. It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.
Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"
I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it. Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.
I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head. As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.
As many of you know I have been experimenting a lot with making different memes/pictures/parodies etc. I enjoy being entertained by the many funny/interesting things I see on the internet through Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, reddit, etc. However, the one thing that drives me nuts (ok not the ONE thing but one amongst many) are these horrible, generic inspirational quotes from some obscure poet or author laid over some random picture that has nothing to do with the quote being posted all over Tumblr and Facebook. 
Ok, I've been lying, these lyrics are SO bad. I don't understand how any intelligent people could enjoy this stuff. It makes me sad that these rappers are rich because they can rhyme extremely simple words like "hump" and "lump" or "straight" and "cake". I do have some hope however because this means that my children could potentially be superstars because they could easily sit down and write these lyrics.
As always I wanted to share some of the greatness of this with you, dear reader. Now keep in mind as you look at these pictures that these are grown ass adults writing this stuff, not children. Well, I guess it would be pretty bad if a 10 year old wrote the lyrics to the right, but those kitties sure are cute.
