The "Unwritten" Rules to Run for Politcal Office

It doesn't matter, mythical creatures
never get elected.

Rules to Run for Political Office

There are many accepted norms and expectations we have for the fine, upstanding citizens that run for political office like; lower taxes, create jobs, better education, love gay people (Democratic nominees only), oppose gay people (GOP nominees only), and other basic principles but often overlooked are the unspoken rules.  This year as I’ve watched all of the GOP madness, I have seen so many of these unspoken rules broken or simply discarded.  I wanted to offer my assistance and finally put in print three of the principal rules amongst the many that have to be followed in order to get in.

1.       Disguise your hate speech!!

I know that this sounds like pure common sense but many of these politicos simply have brain farts and blab out crazy things like “gays are trying to steal Christmas” or “slavery kept black families together” or referring to the sitting president as a “tar baby”.  If one wants to run for office in this day and time they cannot be so overtly racist, they have to have the “subtlety of racism” as Jimmy Carter described Newt Gingrich when he made reference to our “food stamp president” and all of the “welfare mommas” out there.  Although to me, Jimmy, that doesn’t sound all that subtle.  Or you could make the ultimate mistake, you could say such outlandish, overt, over-the-top crazy homophobic statements like Rick Santorum and forever have your name associated with lube and fecal matter (http://spreadingsantorum.com/ check it out if you don’t know what I’m talking about).  If you use to much of this rhetoric you are going to wind up like Bachmann and Perry, you will have to drop out because you’ve made it too obvious.  Sure they are fine with their actual views, but they sure wish they’d find a way not to make it a little more subtle.

2.       Take care of your mistresses!!

This rule used to be at the forefront of our politicians’ and public figures’ agendas.  John F. Kennedy knew how to keep the ladies quiet and satisfied.  You didn’t see every cocktail waitress that gave him a handy run to the press or file a lawsuit.  No, politicians of the old era knew that keeping their affairs quiet and private so of the upmost importance.  Abraham Lincoln knew that he couldn’t go prancing about the streets of Washington with his boy-toys, he kept it on the hush and his male companions knew the score too.  Now?  They have all forgotten this rule.  I think it probably started with Clinton forgetting to call Monica back; a woman doesn’t like to be ignored.  A woman scorned is just as dangerous as a politician with a bad idea.  Herman Cain’s downfall was his love of the ladies and his complete inability to keep them quiet.  Cain went about it all wrong, he was trying to force girls’ heads into his lap and shove his hand up their skirts.  Herman, women don’t like that.  Of course they are going to talk if you do pull some rapist moves like that.  But let’s say that you want to run for office and you are having a non-rapist like sexual affair with a woman or man that you are not married to; what do you do then?  How do you keep them quiet?  I’ll tell you.  Don’t make them any promises that you can’t uphold, tell them upfront what the affair really is, explain the need for discretion, and if they are not okay with any of that, well, you’ll have to kill them.  Or maybe you could just not have the affair.  Either one will work.

3.       Take the skeletons out of the closet and bury them.

I know, this seems obvious too but these new politicians seem to forget it.  Not only are they forgetting to bury their skeletons, some actually flaunt them.  My favorite example of this phenomenon this season was Michele Bachmann and her husband.  Michele not only forgot to hide her obvious self-hating homosexual husband but actually flaunted him around as one of her political strategists.  (http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/06/29/257646/bachmanns-husband-calls-homosexuals-barbarians-who-need-to-be-educated-and-disciplined/?mobile=nc)  It’s really not a problem of him being gay; it’s the part where he is a doctor with a clinic dedicated to rehabilitating barbaric gays into respectable hetero heroes.  Instead of flaunting him around and putting him at the forefront of her campaign, she should have sent him on a yearlong vacation to Thailand with a ladyboy and denied his existence.  Rick Perry forgot to literally bury that “Niggerhead” rock on his hunting ranch.  He said he painted over it, but that is one of the skeletons that could have easily been buried or blown up.  As a politician, one has to learn that all the embarrassing things of one’s past must be hidden and if it is still discovered try to come up with a better story than “I painted over it”. 

Of course there are other's like:  Don't forget to lie but wrap it with truth, Make Big Promises that you can never back up, and many others.

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