Excuse Me, Where Can I Find Myself?

In just 3 days I will be turning 34.  It's not really a significant number.  You don't get any new benefits like a super special drivers license, nothing magical happens, your penis doesn't grow an extra 3 inches (unless maybe it does, I'll let you know) and it should be an all around forgettable birthday in the timeline of a human being unless they died when they were 33.  As far as I can recollect, I've never tripped out about a birthday before but dammit this was not how I envisioned myself approaching this completely random age.  If one would've asked me at 32 approaching 33 what I would've expected to find at 34 I probably would've answered, "I don't know.  Probably something really damn close to what I'm doing now.  What kind of stupid question is that?"  I would've been wrong of course and naive.  Life changes quicker than Katy Perry changes costumes at the Halftime Show and much like her changes, it isn't always pretty.

I cannot change all that has happened here recently.  There is no magical DeLorean to take me back,

Just in case you didn't
get the reference

Bill and Ted's Phone Booth is non-existent, and I'm sure if we had time travel anyway that we would quickly fuck it up.  So what's left to do?  Well, at 33 years old I can honestly say that I have no clue of who I am.  How's that for an admission?  No idea!!  I know of things that I like and that I'm into, sure, but as a conscious human being breathing air and inhabiting this planet and using resources?  Nope.  So I'm going to make 2015 and the year celebrating my 34 year residency to try to find myself.  I know that sounds so hippie dippie, blah, blah, new age, cliche bullshit but it's what I'm going to do.  I'm not even sure where to start and that's kind of why I'm writing this.  I'm hoping that my friends and readers can give me some suggestions.  I've certainly had plenty of people telling me lately that I need to and that I'm not the same person that I used to be.  So I want to find either the person that I was that a lot of people seemed to like or find the person that I am.  Perhaps they are the same or maybe they're vastly different, I don't know.  Remember, I'm lost?  

I've heard exes and friends say that they "need to find themselves" for years but I had never really

Could these be the answer?  

given it much thought.  I just agreed because I thought it sounded good.  Now I find myself in this predicament and I don't have an idea of what it is that I'm supposed to be doing.  Am I supposed to explore different religions?  Do I go to a psychiatrist and get put on mood altering drugs and anti-depressants?  Am I supposed to take a heroic dose of psilocybin magical mushrooms?  Am I supposed to walk around with a ponderous look upon my face and occasionally scratch my chin in wonderment?  I don't know.  Those all sound like plausible ideas but I'm really not sure.  My problem has always been that (and yes, I'm bragging a little here) I'm awesome at giving solid advice to others but I'm shit in my own life.  Seriously, I've never steered anyone wrong when they've asked me for advice.  I always think through their problem analytically and logically and tell them what I truly believe is best.  It's one of the aforementioned things that I know that I love to do.  But perhaps I've been too proud in the past to ask people for advice or maybe (definitely) too blind to see my own problems.  So here I am friends, I'm asking for help.  How have you dealt with personal tragedy?  How did you find yourself?  What did you do to get to your own level of accepted happiness?

Seriously I want to know because here's another admission that some people already know, but I do not love myself at all.  I kind of hate me.  I like life and seeing all the cool things going on but I just kind of wish that I was another person.  I've heard this statement repeatedly too, "You've got to love yourself".  Okay, duly noted now explain how that happens.  I guess loving yourself and finding yourself are kind of the same thing, right?  I'm not sure because I've heard both so much lately.  But what if you find yourself and you turn out to be a huge asshole?  I'm a huge fan of psychology and have casually studied it for years, which makes me really inquisitive and generally over-analyze things.  Maybe that's what I'm doing now, but anyway if you want to be a good soul you can either comment below with suggestions, or you can comment on the Facebook page, or you can message me.  I don't care, if nothing else, this can at least be a neat little social experiment where I get all kinds of useful stuff.  

Is There Really Someone Out There For Everyone?

A favorite quote by Chuck Palahniuk 

I've always sort of believed that there is someone out there for everyone.  We've all heard that, right?  Every time a person goes through a shitty breakup, we tell them this sad, worn-out cliche.  Whether it be, "Oh, you and that chick you've been seeing for a week didn't work out?  Don't worry, there's someone out there for everyone" or "Damn, you're going through a divorce after 8 years of marriage?  Don't worry, there's someone out there for everyone."  It's all the same either way.  But one wonders, "Is there really?"  Well, recently I've found myself pondering over this conundrum because I belong in the latter category above.  When you get married, you kind of figure that "Yep, this is the one.  I can mark that shit off my list." You can put your new significant other in a nice neat compartmentalized box checked "The One".  You don't really worry about it from that point on...until you have to.  When everything falls apart and you've found yourself going to two different therapists, resisting the urge to dull your pain with a bottle of pills, going back and forth with your wife, trying not to drive your car over a bridge, not seeing your kids and living with your grandparents in their basement, you tend to do some self and external evaluations.

Considering the previous sentence that I wrote, I probably shouldn't even be pondering the trivial question of "Is there really someone for everyone?"perhaps I should be asking myself, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" or saying something like, "Dude, you should get it together," (rest assured that I am pondering those ideas as well but I'm just not writing about that at this moment).  So after much thought, I've concocted a theory.  It's not very comforting but I'm like 99% sure that it's true.  Here it is:  There are several somebodies for everybody, it's just a matter of timing.  Mind blown?  Probably not, but allow me to expound on this idea.  On a planet that has a population of around 7 billion and counting, it's ludicrous to think that there is one single person out there for you.  Do you have any idea how amazingly hard that would be to find that person?  And what would be the chances that they are in your proximal location?  Let's just say that you don't want to go worldwide, that you just want to find a mate in the good ol' U.S.of A.  Well, good luck on that one too.  We've got 324,109,897 people on our patch of dirt right at this moment.  If there is only one person out there for you, it seems like you'd spend your entire life searching for them and would die before it actually happened.  My theory is sounding better already, huh?  So lets just throw out a completely unscientific number of 100 possible people for every person.  Your chances just got a lot better, didn't they?  (It still statistically sucks but I don't want to do math)  Surely you can run into a few of these people as you stumble through life but here is where my theory sucks an entire bag of syphilis infected genitals...it's all about timing.

I have seen numerous couples and friends through the years who seemed perfect for each other crash violently into a fiery pit of break-ups and divorce.  I'm sure a few of you who are reading this now have went through this.  Here is a truly hypothetical example:  You meet a beautiful girl who has every quality you want.  She's attentive, she's funny but not funnier than you, she likes to cook, she's independent, she seems like a manageable level of crazy, and she smells pretty.  Everything checks off on your internal list that we all keep secretly locked in our brain.  One little thing though, she's right in her second year of law school.  You start dating anyway.  Things start out well, because you two are a new couple and all new couples are sexed up and gross but as time progresses she has less and less time for you.  She's having to cram for exams, she's bitchy from lack of sleep, she can't see you because of the big mock trial final.  You start to grow resentful that she has no time for you, you start bitching at her, she resents you for bitching at her, and before you know it...BAM, you're done.  You've broken up and hate each other and you think that you've lost your "One".  You wallow in self doubt and loathing and question yourself for a month but in reality, perhaps it's neither of your faults.  What if you would've met after she graduated?  Or what if you already had an established, healthy relationship before she went off to law school?  Who knows?  She very well could've been the one for you, but your timing was just for shit.  You missed out on a great thing but you can't fully blame yourself.  Sure you can blame yourself for being a petty little bitch when she was busy but you can equally blame her for being bitchy in the first place.  (If you can't tell, I'm trying to be really fair here because I realize that a lot of women read my blog.)  It's all about timing, man!!!

Timing is completely unscientific as well.  How are you supposed to know when it's right?  I could lie to you and say, "You just feel it, and it feels right, man."  But that would be bullshit.  Every time that we fall in love of course it feels right or we wouldn't fall in love in the first place.  The truth is that there is no way to know if the time is right until it's hindsight.  I would love to be able to say that men, who are known for our knowledge and infinite wisdom, should know but the truth is we are just as dumb as women when it comes to knowing.  Both sexes are equally blinded when in love.  You both overlook all the glaring faults in timing and just rush into it.  You don't see it until it's either too late or far too often when it's over.  That's where I'm finding myself right now.  I truly believed in my life that two different women were my one, one being my estranged wife.  I really do, despite all the fuckery that has occurred in the last 6 months which I will not discuss.  We were made for each other in so many places and she met almost all of my secret internal check points but upon examination we met at the wrong time.  Perhaps one day I'll discuss it on here why it was the wrong time but as of right now some time needs to pass first.  The point is our timing was off.  I can't fully blame myself and I can't fully blame her.  I admit and accept my faults and wrongs and I assume she does too.  Okay, so that was a bit of a drag.  Let's get back to it and summarize this bitch.

I could sit here and list a bunch of possible warning signs that your timing might be off with a person but that would be far too general.  What is bad timing for one couple could be perfect for another.  Some guys would look at a woman who had just got out of an abusive relationship as a warning sign but others might thrive in the same situation.  Some women may look at a single guy with kids as a big no-no, but others might think it's great.  We never know.  I'm sorry that I can't offer you comfort in knowing the exact time but you should know yourself well enough to look at a situation rationally.  However, I can offer to all the other fellow sad sacks right now that you shouldn't give up hope because statistically speaking there are a ton of other perfect people for you out there.

Advice Blog: "Dude, It'd Probably be Easier if You Were Gay"

Yeah, that really is the title of this one. And yeah, I really did tell someone that. I have a good sound reason too. It's not because this guy or any guy that has women problems seems to have any "gay tendencies" or I feel that they are in the closet or anything. No, it's because at a certain point communicating with women and deciphering their secret code can become so frustrating that it could cross one's mind. Same for women too. I hear women say all the time, "I swear, I'm almost at the point of writing off men for good" but you never hear, "Dude, it'd probably be easier if you were gay"....until now.

I was talking to a friend the other day that has had a bad run with women here lately and it always seems to come down to simple communication problems. You see women and men, fundamentally, communicate differently and although there is nothing wrong with that, it's still maddening. I'm not going to get into that hacky, typical comedian thing of "Hey, did you ever notice women do (enter cliché here)? But I will say that women will beat around the bush about what they want from a man. She may say something like, "I've not eaten much today" and what that means when translated to Man-talk says, "Hey, will you get me something to eat?" I will also say that women tend to mask what they want with vagueness like, "I want to take things slow" or "I think we are moving too fast". Now I don't know how to translate that to Man-talk because it is so vague. My friend had this said to him from the last couple of girls he has dated. I don't know what the hell this means, and to be honest, no one knows what it means, man or woman, it's simply something to say to throw the man off. I've tried to decipher the meaning and even came up with some plausible ideas of what it might mean (No sex, too much hanging, too much calling, meeting the parents, etc.) but I can't be sure. The woman might be fine with a lot of sex but you are calling her too much or she doesn't want the sex but would really like to hang out more. Who knows? When I was stuck in the dating world 136 years ago, I got one of those statements several times and I would ask, "Ok. So what do you want then? Am I calling too much? Should we have sex less often? What is it?" Inevitably it was always another vague answer to a specific question, "No, it's just that I want to take it slow"

If a man were to say something like this (which would probably not happen) it would be much more specific like, "Listen, you are being too clingy, I need some guy time, quit blowing up my phone, but let's still have sex whenever possible" And why is that? Because typically men say exactly what they want. We do not practice the art of being vague, we don't dance around a subject, and we certainly do not do little tests. Which is another thing; women do the "test-talk" all the time. "That girl has a nice body don't you think, honey?" the female might say and since men say what they mean a male might say yes. But no that was a test, he isn't supposed to find other women attractive, he lost sight of other beauty when he met his girlfriend, his eyes cannot even register the opposite sex, everyone just looks grey and featureless anymore!! There are a million examples of this and I think you get my point and now that brings me back around full-circle to my statement of it might be easier to be gay.

I'm not trying to down play how it is to be a gay man or woman in this world; I know that there are many struggles that they have to go through in society. What I am saying is, at the root of it, excluding outside judgment and homophobes, being gay would be pretty easy, especially for a man. Of course, there is also the problem for some that they don't find other dudes attractive but if that was taken out it would be great. The guy could hang out with his best friend; they could watch sports, drink, take a dump without shame, scratch their balls without judgment, and would never have to worry about communication problems. A dream monogamous gay dude situation would be watching the Super Bowl, guzzling iced mugs of beer, smoking cigars, and eating some hot wings. The only downfall would be that you'd half to have sex later. But if you could get past the part where you aren't attracted to other dudes, wouldn't that be great?

Or let's say that you've grown tired of women and their games and you just want to go out, try some dudes, and have no strings attached. Shazam, son!! If you are looking for anonymous-no-strings sex, look no further than Craiglist. If you've never read through Craigslist "casual encounters" or "missed connections" section then you are missing out on a treat. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that men say exactly what they want and what they are thinking, and apparently men want some pretty damn dirty things. I just want to give some real examples real quick, none of this has been pre-screened; I just simply went there and these are some of the gems I found: (I think it goes without saying that this blog is getting ready to be pretty explicit, so if you are easily offended, then it's time to go)

•   From Bristol - "clean and discreet cock sucker swallowing loads. nice looking total bottom. stop by econo lodge rm to to to on commonwealth and use my mouth. clean tight butt needs a good drilling also. have some porn."
• From Bristol - "I AM A COCKSUCKER TRIED AND TRUE.  LOVE TO SUCK, DEEPTHROAT, SWALLOW CUM, RIM AND WORSHIP HOT GUYS.
  MARRIED, STR8 AND UNCUT ARE PLUSES BUT NOT REQUIREMENTS.
  IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, YOU SHOULD BE 50 OR UNDER, HWP, AND HAVE BALLS FULL OF CUM."
• From, you guessed it, Bristol - " I want someone to come over and plow the hell out of my ass and use my throat as hard as you want.. send pics and i do whatever you ask. i will be your sex slave."
• And probably my favorite one that I found tonight, from Asheville - "Hosting now in my hotel- dressed in panties, stockings garter, lace...got a room full of panties, an ass filled with a dildo, and a cock that needs sucking....please bring your eager mouth
  Will bottom for right guy- Will let u cum and pee on me if that's your thing
  6'3 200lbs white married cd 6.5 cut and shaved"

What most of the guys are hoping for
on Craigslist.

See? These are gay dudes being honest about what the hell they want. They don't want to be your friend, they don't want to have some deep intellectual conversation, they want to get down and dirty. This kind of talk would not and could not work with 90% of women (unless you are paying them and that is their profession). With women, it is a cat-and-mouse game of getting down to the bottom of what each of them want. No one is going to be that out and tell you that it's perfectly ok to piss on them in a bar. If you like dudes or you are fed up with women and want to try a dude, Craigslist seems to be the place to go.

I know it's not very practical advice for most because chances are that if you've dated women your entire dating life then you probably like women and think dudes are gross. This is the one chink in my advice armor. I couldn't do it but perhaps if you get desperate enough it might be the right way to go for you.

Special Edition of Love Advice with Dr. Sleepy: The Slut Conundrum

Lately, I have been writing strictly about all things political and while I do enjoy it I don't think that all of my readers really want to hear me rant on and on about Romney.  So in response to that I decided to write something more fun and do a brief return to the love advice column.  This is a special edition though, I'm only addressing one question and it wasn't sent via e-mail but rather it was asked of me directly.  I gave my advice to the guy but I wanted to recreate it for print because it was a fairly good conversation.

For dramatic purposes here is a recreation of the conundrum I was presented with from a fellow male:
Dustin, I've been dating a woman for the past year on and off.  We've had our ups and downs and have even broken up a few times.  During those times she was admittedly (when confronted) with other men...several of them.  She has a very, what some would say, checkered past.  I wouldn't call her a slut but let's say that she was generous with her vagina.  She was unfaithful in nearly all of her past relationships and all of them ended miserably.  She hits the clubs and the booze equally hard as often as possible.  I know some shit has gone down resulting from those club incidents which is what split us up before.  She has a child from a previous relationship that I've grown fond of and find myself taking care of a lot.  Oh yeah, and we just had a baby together.  So the question is, "Is this going to last?" and "How much of myself should I invest here?"

Well the great modern day poet, Ludacris, once put it so eloquently that "You can't turn a ho into a housewife, ho's don't act right".  I know that the past is the past and many of us have done things in our life that we may not be proud of and can even become different people over a course of time.  However, how far back must we go to consider something to be "in the past".  Is it a year?  Is it 6 months?  Is it a couple of weeks?  I don't have a definitive answer but if your girlfriend has been generous with her vagina with other guys while carrying your child in her belly then I find that hard to consider "in the past".  Just because your lady friend hasn't banged a stranger in a few months doesn't mean she has changed, it simply means that she has temporarily stopped her behavior probably because she just had the baby and has to be home more often.  Here is how I see it going for you if you stick around:  You are already semi-attached to the one child and have one of your own now too.  She will eventually take advantage of that notion.  She'll start out slow by saying something like, "Oh I haven't been out in so long by myself, I would like just one night to go out.  Would you care to watch the kids?"  You, trying to be the understanding free-minded boyfriend, will hesitantly agree.  You sit at home with the kids all night wondering what she might be doing.  "Has she met an attractive stranger?"  "How much has she had to drink?"  She then comes stumbling home, kind of drunk, at around 4am.  She doesn't want to answer questions or talk she says that she is "so tired" and just wants to take a shower and get in bed.  The next morning you are stuck with getting up with the kids because she is too hungover and tired but you think to yourself, "Well, she deserved a night out.  All of this baby stuff is stressful".  You don't really discuss the previous night and you seemingly go on about your life with her but then the next week rolls around and she says that her friends are really wanting to have a "girl's night out" and asks if you would mind watching the kids again.  You may grumble a bit but you agree.  Same thing happens, she comes in a 4am, a little drunk, doesn't say much, and takes a shower.  You start to get a litte suspicous and the next morning you try to talk to her about it.  She gets angry and asks why you're so jealous and why don't you trust her.  You point out to her some of the past transgressions and it blows up into a bigger fight.  Things smoothe over eventually and perhaps she skips going out the next week to show you that she has changed, but then when things are going good again she tells you that she wants to hit the club with some friends, she may even invite you to come along, but oh wait, no one else can watch the kids.  Sorry, I guess you'll need to stay at home with them, maybe next time.  Now you are stuck, this is the cycle she is setting for you.  She comes home once a week smelling like a bum's nutsack and shows up with smeared lipstick and mascara but you cannot dare ask questions.

You will become the beta-male to her.  She will view you in the light that she can run all over you because this is her pattern.  You've heard about it from her past relationships.  You've seen it with your own eyes in your own relationship but now you are "staying for the kid".  Don't do that!  Be there for the kid, handle your responsibility, but you don't have to stay in a relationship where the woman is sharing her vagina with every stranger that tells her that she looks pretty.  People do not change in a matter of a few months.  You can't murder 10 people on a Wednesday and then say on a Friday that you are no longer a murder because you took Thursday off.  The same principle here.  If you stay and allow this pattern to happen you will look at yourself in the mirror in 5 years, see that you've wasted your primetime of life, see that you've not aged 5 years but more like 15 years, you'll have bags of sadness hanging below your eyes from the your incessant crying, you'll see the lines of anger burrowed permenantly across your forehead, and then you'll ask "What the hell have I done with my life?  It's gone!!"  You will know that in your heart that she isn't being faithful to you.  You'll know that she has a guy or two on the side not because she is a typical woman but because of her past patterns.  She'll want to keep you around not out of love but because you help take care of the kids, you provide for her, and your name is on the lease.  You will notice as time goes by that the two of you are less intimate with each other.  You might be having sex once or twice a month, at best, because she is getting her pleasure from all the strangers while you sit at home masturbating with your own tears. 

Don't let this happen, get out now.  You should've never done it anyway.  You should've known better, but it's too late now, what's done is done but you can still leave.  Sure you will forever have that connection of a child with her but you don't have to tie yourself to her as a mate.  Maybe one day you can be friends, maybe not but either way take care of your responsibility and go out there and find some happiness.  Do a better vetting process with the next girl.  Don't pick up the next girl you meet at the bar or if you do, don't plan a relationship with her unless you want this same pattern to reoccur.  Find someone who loves you, who is commited to you, who doesn't have a past filled with 100 one night stands and if she does make sure a sufficient amount of time has passed. 

And another thing, this can go for women dating man-whores.  Ladies, if you are dating a man who has been a serial-one-night offender and/or cheater, then you must leave immediately.  If he has been out plowing through skanks while you sit at home pregnant or watching the kids in the past, then he probably still is or will again.  Everything I said about the woman in the above paragraphs can be completely reversed and replace the male and female roles. 

But then again, my friend, perhaps she has changed.  Perhaps she is done with that crazy nightlife filled with strange men in seedy motel rooms with copious amounts of lube and methamphetamines.  And perhaps a three-headed alien will fly down on a fire-breathing unicorn from Planet Kolob wearing the skin of a panda bear shouting racial slurs.  It could happen. 

The Return of Dr. Sleepy and his advice

It’s been a couple of weeks since the last installment of my logical, bullet-proof, advice and I felt that it was time to return.  Oddly enough just when I was starting to think about it, I got three new e-mails asking for my wisdom.  So now in the late night hours, I will respond with well thought out, measured responses to your queries because quite frankly it’s the only peaceful time in the Good Doctor’s household.

Not so subtle, blatant, subliminal sign
that could possibly relate to this problem

I have been dating this girl now for three months.  She is very attractive and we have a lot in common.  In the beginning, everything between us was very passionate but lately she has begun to act like sex is a chore to her.  We went two weeks without sex and then when we did finally have at it she acted like she was “taking one for the team”.  She has no desire for sex now whatsoever.  She explained to me that she becomes apathetic and uninterested in sex or just about anything during the winter.  I don’t want to be the shallow dick that dumps his girlfriend over lack of sex.  I’ve read up about Seasonal Affective Disorder and other possibilities of maybe helping the situation because she is tired all the time.  This has become a fight between us all the time whenever it is brought up.  What do you think I should do at this point? – Anonymous reader (also I shortened the actual message down but I did hit the highlights)

Well that my friend that is quite a vortex of bad shit.   However, I do have some thoughts. You said that its only been 3 months, you are only 25 or 26 (as best as I can tell), and the sex thing is a recent struggle.  First we can look at the 3 months thing.  In the grand scheme of things in relationships and life, 3 months is merely a blink of an eye.  In the first 3 months of any relationship you are supposed to be only seeing the good shit about each other.  You are supposed to never fight, you are supposed to have amazing sex every day, and you both show only all the positive aspects of yourself.  Basically the first 3 months are supposed to be kind of a big lie.  It’s when you both lay the groundwork of future expectations that will never be fulfilled.  It’s usually when you keep all of those embarrassing skeletons hidden in your closet for just a little longer.  For example, when my ex-girlfriend and I had started dating she told me that I was only like the third guy she had been with, we had sex all the time, and she never complained of any of my music or movie choices.  After about 3 or 4 months passed, I learned that I was her 24^th partner, the sexing started to slow down, and she openly bitched about how terrible my music was (we still dug the same movies though).  I didn’t see the signs or actually I did see them but I ignored them, but you have to look at things that change after that 90 day period.  It’s just like most entry-level jobs, you have a 90 day probationary period and if it’s not working out…you get fired.  You need to examine what has changed these last 90 days and then decide if she is worth staying with. 

You did also mention that you thought it might be a hormonal or SAD situation because she is feeling tired all the time and is completely apathetic to everything.  In this case I would suggest that she see a doctor, see if anything is wrong, and get some happy pills.  There’s no shame in that.  If her hormones are jacked up, they can give her a cream or an injection or she can take a few rounds of hormonal pills to balance her out.  If she is depressed or SAD, then they can give her mood stabilizers like Xanax or Prozac and she can perhaps be “happy” again.  The only downside to that is, she still will have a decreased sex drive but at least she’ll be happier. 

Also remember, you are only 25 or 26.  You are young.  You have until at least like 35 before you will be forever alone.  You don’t have to tie yourself down to one option, because at that age, the dating pool is a vast wilderness full of different women and you are a hunter with enough ammo to last you until you are 35.  So go out there and hunt until you find the right thing…and then shoot it and take it home. 

I hope this helped, and if it didn’t I hope it at least gave you some things to think about.

Sleepy, I’ve been talking on and off with this girl for several months now.  At times we’ve been serious and other times extremely casual.  Over the past couple of months it has slowed down to just the occasional phone call but then the other day we saw each other.  We hung out, we made out, we talked, had a good time, and then went our separate ways.  I don’t know how I feel about her yet.  I told her that I would call her but now that we actually saw each other again I don’t know what to do.  There’s nothing actually wrong with her but I just don’t know what I want.   I still have yet to call her.– Anonymous guy

Ok, this one is relatively simple in comparison to the guy before you.  If you have talked on and off for an extended amount of time, saw each other occasionally, and then after a long hiatus you all hung out and enjoyed each other, then I see that it should go one of two ways. 

1.)  You call her, say “Hey, I had fun the other night.  We should get together again” and let it flow from there.  Give it a whirl, see what happens.  Maybe nothing will happen, maybe it will suck and you’ll say “Dammit, why did I listen to that Sleepy Dusty guy?  Who the hell calls themselves “Sleepy” anyway?  Screw that asshole and his advice.”  Or maybe you’ll say, “Thank God, I listened to Dusty.  This is fantastic.  She is everything I’ve wanted in a girl and more.  I’m so happy and I owe it all to Dusty!!!”

2.)  You call her and say, “I’ve thought about it and I just don’t know what I want in life right now.  I don’t want to drag you along, so it was nice hanging with you but like the great Robert Plant said ‘I’ve gotta ramble on, baby” and be done with it.

Either way, you can’t leave her hanging.  It’s bad karma.  Conversations that go like the second one can be uncomfortable but they are necessary.  I’ve done the “no-calling-back” thing in the past and it has bitten me in the ass every time, I ended up with a weird stalker thing.

Ok so this column ran a little long, so I will get to the other question and future questions on the next one.  I’ll have it out maybe in a couple of days as a “bonus”.

Also please remember to share this blog with others, and you can go to my Facebook page here and like it to keep up to date with all of my weirdness.  If you have any of your own “love” or otherwise questions you can message me on my Facebook page or send me an e-mail to dustyelliott95@yahoo.com.

Dr. Sleepy's Guide to New Years Resolutions

Save time and vow to have no resolutions

Every year I really want to make some New Year’s resolutions.  Sometime I even attempt to keep them.  But each year without fail…I fail.  Last year I vowed to get out of debt, lose 40 lbs., become successful, and get a new car.  The results from those resolutions?  We are actually in more debt than we were at the beginning of the year, I lost 20, then gained 15, lost 10, and gained 5 lbs. over the course of the last 12 months, I’m only successful in mediocrity, and I still drive a 2001 shit wagon deluxe Ford Explorer that doesn’t have operating rear doors, it starts without a key if you flip the headlights on just right, all the electronic displays are non-functional, and I’m never sure how much gas I have because it will jump from full to dead empty in a moment’s notice.  My resolutions did not work out.  I looked at some lists that were published today of people’s top New Year’s resolutions and although I can’t reach my own goals, I can point out the flaws in others and perhaps make them a little more realistic.

1.        Losing Weight

The quadruple Bacon Egg Xtra Cheeseburger
will get you everytime.

Here is why losing weight rarely ever works out.   First, if you are already fat then there is a reason for it; you love food!!  No matter how much you desire to be thinner, you can’t eliminate the fact that bacon cheeseburgers are yummy.  Sure laziness can counteract some of the garbage you eat but doing some jumping jacks isn’t going to burn off that Chocolate-covered Strawberry Cheesecake Bacon & Waffle Sundae.  You can probably resist temptation from all the goodies until February 1^st, but late one night you won’t feel like getting up and mixing together a Kale & Cucumber Protein shake.  You’ll want something simple.  So you start looking through your fridge and what do you see?  Oh, it looks like you forgot to throw away that tube of Nestle Toll House cookie dough!!   “Mmmm, I’ve been so good so far.  What will just one bite hurt?” you think to yourself.  Next thing you know, you’ve ate the entire tube of cookie dough and when you wake up the next morning you stop at McDonald’s on the way to work and get the 2 for $3 Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuits.  You’ve blown you diet and you just say to hell with it at that point.  So if you are a fat person then you have to really commit yourself to hitting the gym…like every day…for 2 hours or more.  Even at that you probably will still struggle but at least you’ll be maintaining your weight after you hit that wall in February. 

The second big reason why losing weight doesn’t work out is even simpler and easily fixed.  A huge portion of the people vowing to lose weight for the New Years are already as fit and skinny as the hypothetical love child of David Beckham and Pink.  Of course you freaks aren’t going to lose weight!!  Your body fat percentage is at 1.5% and an elephant could do Pilates on your ripped abs.  If you are one of these people that already look like a Greek god carved in marble, then you are one of the people that everyone wants to punch in the face when we hear your resolution about “losing a few pounds around my inner thigh”.   Shut up, you attention whores!!  You already know that you look good because we all see you checking yourself out in front of every mirror that you pass.  You only say ridiculous things about your weight just so you can extract a compliment from one of your friends.  You making the resolution to lose weight not only annoys all of your friends but sets up disappointing yourself because it is so irrational to believe that your 105 lb. frame could really stand to lose another ounce. 

2.       Quitting Smoking

Do you think he's ready to quit?
Nope, many, many years of
productive smoking ahead with him.

Every smoker I’ve ever known in my entire life has vowed to quit smoking every single damn New Year.  And do you wanna know how many actually do quit?  0.000009% (this one guy from 1998 stopped for almost 6 months once).  It’s popular to think that you can start off the New Year with a fresh start and be a clean living citizen but chances are it’s not happening.  Most people who smoke and actually do quit didn’t do it on a vow that they made at some random New Year’s Eve party.  No, they had to find the time in their life that they were actually ready to do it.  They may have had a bad doctor’s appointment or they could’ve noticed that walking down the steps in the morning feels like running a marathon across the plains of Africa or they could’ve coughed up something that looked like the contents of a 5 day old condom used by a needle junkie with hepatitis a through z.  But making a commitment to quit based on some arbitrary holiday where they feel obligated to quit probably isn’t going to make for a success story.  The first time they are around someone smoking they are going to feel that urge, smell that aroma of sweet Virginia tobacco, and think how delicious a cigarette would taste right then.  They may not give in at first but after this happens 4 or 5 times, they are probably going to give in.  I wouldn’t suggest making that vow this year unless you absolutely mean it and it’s the right time of your life to do it.  Don’t set yourself up for disappointing yourself and having to explain to everyone that was at the party with you that gave in.  And if you do try, quit for a bit, and then go back to it, don’t take any crap from all the naysayers.  Chances are they are one of those people who’ve never smoked in their entire lives and have ZERO idea on how hard it is to quit.  When they ask you why you are smoking with their disapproving tone and smartass smirk just blow a big puff in their face and walk away.

3.       Get out of Debt

Debt is a hard one to tackle.  When I turned 18, Visa offered me a credit card with a $500 line on it.  “Free money!!” I thought because my parents never really used credit cards and thus never really explained it to me.  I had that $500 spent within something like 48 hours and then put the card in my wallet and forgot about it.  “All the free money is gone” I thought, but 28 days later I got a bill for the $500 and a minimum payment of $20.  I knew I could handle $20, so I sent them the money but the next month my bill said something like $507.  “What the hell?  I just paid them $20, why isn’t it $480?”  And thus I learned all about interest.  I’m sure many people have a similar story because creditors love to get their hooks in early.  Although we all know how dangerous credit cards are, we still love to use them.  We love credit cards and “special financing” options.  We are suckers for these after Christmas sales where the furniture store is offering zero interest for 6 months.  We all want; want, want and many of us don’t have the patience to wait until we can actually buy it outright. 

All of this is what makes getting out of debt so hard.  You keep spending money every month to pay off the cards but then you see a nice new La-Z-Boy with 0% for 90 days and you get sucked in.  If you are already in debt (which statistically you probably are) then I think there are only a few impractical solutions to your problem.

a.       Cut and then set fire to all of your cards.  Then erase all of the data in your computer containing your information.  And then move to an unspecified location in North Dakota without a forwarding address.  And never get online again.

Do you really think this guy has any
credit card debt?

b.      Grow all of your food and eat road kill.  Get back to nature by living in your tent and becoming a survivalist.  You can grow your wheat grass and kill bunnies to sustain the minimum nutrition to stay alive.  You will have to hand craft all of your furniture and since you live in a tent, it won’t take much. Get four sticks and a flat rock to make a chair and pile up leaves and garbage for your bed.  You will be spending zero cash and thus you can now afford to pay off all of those pesky credit cards.

c.       Become rich and famous.  Once you become rich and famous, hire a money manager to make sure that you don’t spend beyond your means.  As long as you filthy, obscenely rich you can pay off everything that you’ve ever owed because you will be making $12 million per role in each of the crappy romantic comedies you star in.

These are the only three ways to get out of debt.  Accept no other alternatives, and don’t pussy out and say that you can’t live in the wilderness.  You can if you want out of debt bad enough.

I don’t know what my resolutions are for this year.  I just hope that it will be a good one.  I’m going to kick it up on the writing, finally get the podcast going, try to be a decent person, and make my own way.  If not you can find me in a tent eating worms somewhere in the wilderness of North Dakota.  But keep in mind, it may not matter at all because we are all going to die on December 21, 2012, so smoke em if you got em!!

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice: Christmas Edition

How I feel after doing the whole holiday
thing with both families.  A nice drink & piss
in my pants.

I decided to make this week’s random advice column a holiday themed one.  We are all seemingly embroiled in constant family get-togethers, countless present openings, and tons of caloric atomic bombs of feasts.  We all paint a pretty picture but holidays are never without a bit of familial drama.  We all grin with the holiday gun pointed at our heads. I was given questions and I am now supplying answers with my infinite wisdom.  Happy holidays you chaos loving freaks!!

My wife and I have what seems to be an annual argument about how to do Christmas with our families.  My family has typically always done Christmas on the 24^th and her family does as well…both at the same exact time.  We get sh*t from each side of our families every year because we always cut one short and come late to the other.  I can’t stand it and since our families kind of hate each other neither side is willing to budge on adjusting times.  What are we supposed to do?

This is exactly what its like when you
try to mix in-laws. 

I can relate.  It gets complicated especially if you have kids which I’m not sure if you do.  Here’s the thing, you are always going to piss off your families; its science.  It’s kind of like lions and gazelles.  Sure they can coexist in the same area for a certain time but sooner or later the lion is going to jump on that gazelle and eat that little bastard.  Well, this is like family.  You can get along for a while but someone is going to eventually get their head bit off.  You will never be able to please either side.  Her parents are probably always going to secretly or openly blame you for ruining their Christmas tradition with their precious daughter and they will never believe, no matter what you do, that you are good enough.  We have tried several different approaches over the years.  We have gone to one and skipped the other, we have tried splitting the evening, and we even tried combining the two one year (I can’t recommend this to anyone unless both sides LOVE each other, which as we all know never happens). Trying to combine families can be like putting the Westboro Church people in San Francisco during a gay pride parade. Nothing truly works; you just have to accept it.  So here are some basic rules as to how to handle it.

·         Figure out which side of the family you are getting along with and go there.  Chances are since both sets of parents don’t like each other then you are probably feuding with one of them.  Go to the side that things are cool with, it will cut down on all that stupid drama.

·         If you want to try to split it then get to one of them early that way they can’t complain that you haven’t visited long enough.  This will still piss them both off but it will be a little less since it’s equal.

·         You can cut down on the whole thing, especially if you have no kids, by skipping them both and going on a nice vacation.  It’s Christmas, why be miserable with family fighting? 

·         Flip a coin.  Play paper, rock, scissors.  Draw straws.  Pick a number.  Because you are screwed anyway.

We have two kids, one from a previous relationship and another together.  I am the stepdad, but for all intents and purposes I’m the dad.  I’ve been around most of her life.  Her parents love and worship the ground that my step-daughter walks on.  She is showered with expensive gifts, special privileges, and constant affection.  The child that we have together...ehh, not so much.  They seem to like him okay but treat him much differently.  Each year they fight to keep her on all special holidays and fight to keep her away from my family holiday functions.  They tell my wife that she has no real business with my family since she is not technically blood related.  It’s getting old and after 3 years I’m really getting fed up with the whole thing.  What do you think?

Send the grandparents adorable pictures
like this with a note attached:  Haha I bet
you wish you could do this again, huh?

Blood relation is one of the most retarded, irrelevant, and outdated arguments I’ve ever heard.  In the times that we live in a huge percentage of families are mixed.  People are always bringing kids into new relationships/marriages.  None of us can keep it together.  However, many in our parents’ generation can’t seem to grasp this and get hung up on “blood”.  A kid is a kid and if you and your mate are together whether married or otherwise you’ve got to tell the parents to get over it.  Arguing over blood sounds so archaic, it’s like a King in medieval England checking the lineage of his first born.  My family is a mixed one as well.  I have a son from a previous relationship and he lives with us.  My wife and I also have two of our own.  I know that it can be a mess because we have the fight with family all of the time.  Each side has their favorites and each kid gets treated a little differently; sometimes very blatantly and others oh so subtly.  I have found through the years that sometimes you just have to be an asshole.  You have to tell the grandparents that the kids are a package deal.  It’s like buying a package of hot dogs; you don’t get one without the others.  Blood be damned, they are your kids and if they choose to exclude the boy then tell them, in whatever manner you choose, to screw themselves.  I can’t honestly say that it will ever get better because even after like 8 years we still struggle.  I guess it’s all dependent on the person or persons that you are dealing with.  Some people are just old fashioned and set in their ways with “family values” which to me is just another way of saying “retarded, backwards, narrow-minded, ass clowns”.  If they fall under this category, then good luck.  You still have to set some boundaries and try because you don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that they are better than one another or resentful towards you or your parents.  If they can’t get the retarded notion of “blood is blood” out of their heads then you just have to cut them off.  Think of it as grounding the grandparents.  I don’t care how old they are; if you deny them something that they love and want then just like a kid they will give in eventually.  It may not last on a permanent basis but it works to do it every now and then.  After a good month of “grounding grandparents” they will be begging to keep both of the kids at least for a while.  As far as the holidays go, I look at it this way.  It is your little family and you get to choose what to do with it.  No one gets to tell you where you go, where you take your family, or what to do.  You are a grown ass human being and it’s all a power trip.  If you give into their dipshit demands then they will never respect you, they will look at you as a push over pansy and will always try to tell you what to do with their granddaughter. 

I’ve been dating a girl now for about 4 months and now its Christmas time which means gift time.  I’m going to buy her something but I don’t know how far out I should go.  Should I get her some jewelry?  Or do I go more small scale and maybe get a DVD or a gift card?  I don’t know where the relationship is going but I’d like for it go far.  She is from a wealthy family, so that’s the reason I’m tripping out on what to buy.

For that not so special lady.

First, don’t buy a girl you’ve only been dating for 4 months any jewelry.  Do you know how high that will place future expectations on you?  Think about it.  If you buy her a necklace this year after only 4 months, what is she going to want next year?  I’ll tell you what; a ring.  A ring with diamonds in it, with a big fat one on top in the shape of a solitaire and surrounded with platinum and attached to a lifelong commitment.  If you start out big you will be expected to stay big and get bigger every year for the rest of your time with this girl.  If you can afford this type of thing and that’s the route you are comfortable with then more power to you.  But if you are sensible man, then you will start small.  A gift at this juncture of a relationship should be something that says you’re thoughtful and practical, don’t be a cheap bastard but don’t blow your entire paycheck.  Go with something that you know for sure that she is into, like something to do with you.  Take her on a little weekend trip, go on some big date thing, or as Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg suggest, put your dick in a box.  (Warning:  The Dick in the Box should be reserved for girls that you don’t plan on dating much further than the New Year…or that night for that matter.)  No matter what it is just remember that you are setting a standard and a set of expectations with this girl so choose wisely.   Now you did say that this is someone that you’d like to see into the future, right?  Well, I don’t know anything about her and frankly I have a hard time remembering what it was like to date.  But 4 months in and you are seeing a future?  Really?  I figured 6 months would be the bare minimum for eliminating your bachelorhood.  I do have to add that if we were still in high school or college, I would suggest an entirely different route.  You would have to break up with that person for the holidays, citing some reason like “I need some time to find myself” or “I don’t want to hurt you, I have to figure out what I want”  And when the holiday was over, you would get back together, if you choose, and resume your relationship.  It was a money saving thing, nothing personal.  I know that almost every guy that I know pulled this at one point or another, but now that we are “adults” we no longer have that luxury because women caught on to what we were doing, you cheap bastard. 

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice Column Week 2

Hello, my name is Dr. Sleepy Dustin Elliott and I am here to answer all of your questions with pure, unabashed, manly logic.  I will tell you the truth as I see it and the way I see it is right.  I would never lie to you or exaggerate any sort of information.  I am a self-titled doctor and you can trust me on that.

I received great questions again but I didn’t want to strictly limit it to relationships this time so it will be slightly different...

Do people really lose their sex drive with age?  Can they go weeks or months without it?

This is what it feels and looks like
when a man has went without orgasms
for too long.

Unfortunately and sadly enough, they do.  I don’t see how this is possible but I know of many people who have said it’s true.  Stupid menopause, damn hormones, silly erectile dysfunction, and imaginary sex headaches; these all prevent sex or at least diminish it.  Even with all of that, I find it difficult to even imagine sex not being appealing. I think it is one of the greatest things on earth and I would never get tired of it.  But here’s the thing, if your partner has any of the above problems, you can tell them that orgasms and sex are two of the best remedies for those situations.  Sex and orgasms release endorphins and dopamine which make you happy, increase hormones, and can dull pain.  Orgasms are like mental penicillin; it’s a cure for all that ails you.  Like I’ve said before, it’s maintenance; you’ve got to get that stuff out of you.  If you keep all of those orgasms locked up, you are going to become irritable, grouchy, and self-hating.  And my logic is this; if you are going to get rid of those orgasms, shouldn’t you get rid of them with the person you are with rather than all by yourself?  It’s a terrible idea to go prolonged amounts of time without sex, even if it’s with yourself. 

I live with my girlfriend who is considerably younger than I am (yes, she is legal).  At first it was great but now her immaturity is really showing itself.  I want to ditch her but I feel bad about leaving her stranded like that.  What do you think?

See?  This girl is smoking hot
but she could easily ruin your
life with her dumb immaturity.

Look at the whole thing as a learning experience.  You should never live with a person that shows the least bit of immaturity.  No one ever really improves once you move in together, they simply get worse.  All of the annoying little things get exacerbated once you are in close quarters together.  I think people should only live together once they have enough space, like a home.  If you live in a studio apartment and you love you lady friend, then moving her in to that crappy 130 square foot flat is the last thing you want to do.  A couple needs space no matter how much they love on another.  I love my wife, but dammit I have to be able to have time to watch football, write, or scratch myself.  If we lived in a studio apartment that could never happen.  Every time I wanted to take a dump I would have her looking over my shoulder and beating on the door telling me to “Hurry up, I’ve got to dry my hair.  Jesus, could give a courtesy flush?  It smells like the Devil’s taint in there!!”  As long as a couple has their own space they can work out almost anything because when they are alone they can each hash their shit out.  He can think about what a douchy bastard he has been when he got mad for her  continually interrupting his game, and she can think about what a inconsiderate bitch she was when she kept interrupting his game.  See??  They can both look at their actions in different parts of the house, instead of having to be right on top of each other and wind up screaming in the same room.   But back to the point of dating an immature girl…STOP IT!!  I’m sure she is hot, but way younger, immature girls are not meant for dating, they are meant for hooking up.  Let them gain some life experience from other guys, let them ruin their lives, and wait for them to be good, ripe, and ready for something like a relationship.  Moving in with a person that you are unsure about is a guaranteed way to wind up hating them. 

I fight a lot with my parents (I’m 30) and don’t really want to go to their annual Christmas celebration.  Every year we all wind up getting mad at each other and someone always leaves with hurt feelings.  Should I feel obligated to go since they are my family?

If this is the image that you
conjure up when thinking about
Christmas with your parents,
perhaps you should think again.

No.  Sure it would be nice if you could get along and make a nice holiday, but what are the chances in that happening?  You’ve got to ask yourself, “When was the last good or even half way decent memory that I have with my parents?”  If it was over a year ago or so, then there is no real reason to hang out with them.  We are only on this planet for a special limited time, we do not get any more time, and this is it.  You cannot spend large swaths of your life being miserable if you can prevent it.  Some misery is unpreventable and inevitable, but some things can be avoided.  I try to avoid being around people that irritate me as often as possible.  If your folks insist on doing something for Christmas, tell them to meet at Waffle House or some delicious Chinese restaurant.  People feel less likely to cause a scene in a public place.  Can you really see your mom cursing your existence over a plate of Moo Goo Gai Pan and fried rice?  Can your dad belittle you with a giant pecan waffle smothered in butter and syrup sitting in front of him?  Of course you can, but at least out in public it can be a little quieter and some face can be saved when you get up and walk away from your angry disapproving parents and tell the eager, happy Chinese waitress lady, “Don’t worry, those are my parents.  They’ve got this bill.  Merry Christmas.” 

Dr. Sleepy's Love Advice Column

I like to consider myself a man with common sense, a man who is full of opinions wrapped with logic, and a man who has dealt with a lot of different human relationships in life.  Thus I have given myself the title of Doctor of the Human Condition and Common Sense;  and lucky for everyone I am here to help.  I get a lot of people asking me for advice all of the time about relationships and life in general.  I feel that I give sound, honest answers to those who ask and decided that it might be entertaining to have a weekly column dedicated to me answering some questions of my friends and readers.  So yesterday I announced my decision and asked that anyone who may have a question to submit it to me and I’d do my first column and see how it goes.  I got several submissions and picked the three most interesting ones or as I would say the three that I could riff and rant on the most.  People need an alternative to Dear Abby and other people who are too soft and don’t know what they are talking about, because I’m a professional and I would never lie to you.

First Question:

Ok, so is there such a thing as a plutonic relationship?  My husband says “no” that one or another always wants more.  What do you think?

Platonic relationships, in general, are a myth.  There are a few mitigating circumstances that can sway it into a real possibility but generally speaking, “No, they do not exist.”  If a guy is single and he is friends with a single lady, he is investing his time in the hopes that one day when the lady is feeling vulnerable or drunk that he can hook up with her.  I would venture a guess that this is true 99.99% of the time.  No single guy is going to listen to all of a girl’s problems, hopes, and dreams endlessly without some ulterior motive.  I had “platonic” girl friends when I was younger and I always had them as a “just in case” scenario.  For instance, I had one friend who I had from the beginning of freshman year in high school until the day we graduated.  I listened to all of her relationship problems, I heard her sex stories, we hung out and it was all well and good but ultimately I wanted to know that I had this girl as a backup.  I liked hanging out with her and I dated several girls over the course of high school but I always wanted to keep her and most of the time it was not a big deal.  But when I would go through a dry spell, I would ultimately look to her in the hopes that we could hook up.  I later found out that I was the same thing to her.  We never had to actually break that proverbial “emergency glass” and hook up but we always had it in the back of our minds that it could be a possibility.  Almost all of my guy friends had similar situations at different points in their lives.  The downside of this is when a girl just really wants to be friends with a guy and he wants more eventually.  The guy is putting in all of this work and little does he know that the girl has zero interest.  I had a couple of those too.  Here are the rules for platonic relationships along with their exceptions:

·         A married guy and a married female can be platonic friends although its probably not a good idea because everyone always assumes that they are sleeping together.  But really most of the time its harmless.

·         A gay man/woman can be friends with a straight man/woman and there should really be no problem unless the straight person has those curious tendencies and could be pushed over the edge with a little encouragement.  The only way other way that this doesn’t work is if they are both of the same sex and the gay friend wants the straight friend, then you have the same ulterior, time wasting scenario as the two straight, opposite sex friends.

·         A straight single guy and a straight single girl can never be truly platonic…EVER.  One or the other ALWAYS wants more.  It’s not speculation; it’s just the way it is.  The guy is always imagining what the girl would look like naked and on top of him or the girl will always imagine what a great boyfriend he would make.

·         A lesbian and a straight guy will always be platonic just as a gay man and a straight woman will always be platonic.  Unless the straight people think they can “change” them, in this case they are simply retarded.

·         A married person can never be a platonic friend to a single straight person or at least they shouldn’t be.  It will always end badly; I’ve seen it too many times.

These are the rules.  I can’t help it, but we are all sexual human beings and this is the way we are wired.

Dusty, I’ve been talking to this new girl.  She is really good looking, she has a job, and we really get along well.  The problem is, she has three kids from a previous relationship and she used to date one of my other friends.  Should I pursue it or just move on?

I’m getting ready to sound like an insensitive prick but it’s what needs to be said.  You are a single guy.  All of us married guys secretly are envious of you.  You have freedom to get up and pretty much do as you please.  You have no responsibility to a wife or children.  You are accountable only to yourself.  If you want to go to a bar, drink all night, and take home a stranger, you can.  There is virtually nothing stopping you.  If you get into a relationship with a woman who has THREE kids then you can kiss all of that goodbye.  It sounds harsh but as a single guy with no children you should never get in a relationship with a woman that has any more than ONE child and that’s a push.  A freewheeling guy such as yourself reserves the right to be picky, you don’t have to settle.  A girl with kids (especially more than 2) will inevitably have issues with the father guy which if you are with her means that you will have issues with the sperm donor person.  I don’t care if she says that her and the ex get along great, shit can fall apart at any moment.  My ex and I get along now but there was a patch of time that we fought with every ounce of hatred in our bodies; shit changes.  And also you’ve got to think of it this way.  What if the kids hate you and are spiteful because “you’re not my REAL dad!!” while sticking their tongues out at you and kicking you in the shins?  That’s a pretty plausible situation.  You might say, “Well what if the kids are really cool and nice?”  I say, “What kids are cool enough to alter your entire life for?”  Kids are cool but the great part of other people’s kids is that you don’t have to take them home with you.  But back to the prime choice area of this discussion, you have the ability to pick and choose the girls.  If a girl has a lazy eye and buck teeth but has a great personality, you don’t have to settle.  Move on to the next one.  I know the area you live in (Tri-Cities) is a limited pond of female fish but that’s why you might want to branch out.  Knoxville’s not that far, Roanoke isn’t that far, expand your horizons and don’t get tied down to a girl that not only has her own baggage, but also the baggage of three kids that will probably hate you.  There are millions of fish out there that don’t have a bunch of small fish following them around, be a fisherman like Patrice O’Neal would want you to be.  Also as far as her dating your buddy before you, as part of “man-code” you must get clearance from him or at least let him know that you’re going to do something with this chick whether he likes it or not.  You can’t lead him around blindly.  You’re man card could be revoked otherwise.

And now probably my favorite submission and the one I saved for last:

My husband claims that masturbation ("slapping the ham"), for guys, is unavoidable. He says and quote "it's something that just has to be done." (Like it's the fucking laundry or something.) I called bullshit on that, because I don't have to do it and would much rather have sex, because it's way more fun. And he claims that is because I'm a woman and I work differently. I tell him because it's a perfectly good waste of a hard member, and it makes me feel a little insulted if he does it when I'm around. He says I'm silly and so on and so forth. We have this conversation like three or four times a year.

Dear sweet, sweet, lady reader and friend.  Your husband is 100% correct.  Jerking off is something that is pretty much mandatory as a man.  If a guy says otherwise or claims that he doesn’t do it he is a filthy liar.  A lying liar telling lies.  Spanking the monkey is kind of like a maintenance tool, like taking vitamins, or working out.  We have to get all of the extra testosterone out of our bodies, otherwise we will be too tense.  If you ever see a guy who is wound up, angry, and uptight then that means there is a good chance that he has kept his loads in a little too long.  Of course, we would always prefer sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow, but it’s not always practical or available.  Don’t feel insulted if your guy beats off even if you are around.  It just means that he thinks you might not want to have sex, he might need to relieve some quick tension and get shit done, or he could be bored.  Either way you look at, even if he has beat off twice that day, it doesn’t mean he still won’t have sex with you.  I don’t know any male at our age range that has ever declined sex when it was reasonable.  So don’t take it personally, it is like he said something that has to be done and yeah it is kind of like laundry, it’s maintenance for the male body.

If anyone wants to submit a question for next week, please send me a Facebook message or e-mail me at dustyelliott95@yahoo.com.