Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice: Christmas Edition

How I feel after doing the whole holiday
thing with both families.  A nice drink & piss
in my pants.

I decided to make this week’s random advice column a holiday themed one.  We are all seemingly embroiled in constant family get-togethers, countless present openings, and tons of caloric atomic bombs of feasts.  We all paint a pretty picture but holidays are never without a bit of familial drama.  We all grin with the holiday gun pointed at our heads. I was given questions and I am now supplying answers with my infinite wisdom.  Happy holidays you chaos loving freaks!!

My wife and I have what seems to be an annual argument about how to do Christmas with our families.  My family has typically always done Christmas on the 24^th and her family does as well…both at the same exact time.  We get sh*t from each side of our families every year because we always cut one short and come late to the other.  I can’t stand it and since our families kind of hate each other neither side is willing to budge on adjusting times.  What are we supposed to do?

This is exactly what its like when you
try to mix in-laws. 

I can relate.  It gets complicated especially if you have kids which I’m not sure if you do.  Here’s the thing, you are always going to piss off your families; its science.  It’s kind of like lions and gazelles.  Sure they can coexist in the same area for a certain time but sooner or later the lion is going to jump on that gazelle and eat that little bastard.  Well, this is like family.  You can get along for a while but someone is going to eventually get their head bit off.  You will never be able to please either side.  Her parents are probably always going to secretly or openly blame you for ruining their Christmas tradition with their precious daughter and they will never believe, no matter what you do, that you are good enough.  We have tried several different approaches over the years.  We have gone to one and skipped the other, we have tried splitting the evening, and we even tried combining the two one year (I can’t recommend this to anyone unless both sides LOVE each other, which as we all know never happens). Trying to combine families can be like putting the Westboro Church people in San Francisco during a gay pride parade. Nothing truly works; you just have to accept it.  So here are some basic rules as to how to handle it.

·         Figure out which side of the family you are getting along with and go there.  Chances are since both sets of parents don’t like each other then you are probably feuding with one of them.  Go to the side that things are cool with, it will cut down on all that stupid drama.

·         If you want to try to split it then get to one of them early that way they can’t complain that you haven’t visited long enough.  This will still piss them both off but it will be a little less since it’s equal.

·         You can cut down on the whole thing, especially if you have no kids, by skipping them both and going on a nice vacation.  It’s Christmas, why be miserable with family fighting? 

·         Flip a coin.  Play paper, rock, scissors.  Draw straws.  Pick a number.  Because you are screwed anyway.

We have two kids, one from a previous relationship and another together.  I am the stepdad, but for all intents and purposes I’m the dad.  I’ve been around most of her life.  Her parents love and worship the ground that my step-daughter walks on.  She is showered with expensive gifts, special privileges, and constant affection.  The child that we have together...ehh, not so much.  They seem to like him okay but treat him much differently.  Each year they fight to keep her on all special holidays and fight to keep her away from my family holiday functions.  They tell my wife that she has no real business with my family since she is not technically blood related.  It’s getting old and after 3 years I’m really getting fed up with the whole thing.  What do you think?

Send the grandparents adorable pictures
like this with a note attached:  Haha I bet
you wish you could do this again, huh?

Blood relation is one of the most retarded, irrelevant, and outdated arguments I’ve ever heard.  In the times that we live in a huge percentage of families are mixed.  People are always bringing kids into new relationships/marriages.  None of us can keep it together.  However, many in our parents’ generation can’t seem to grasp this and get hung up on “blood”.  A kid is a kid and if you and your mate are together whether married or otherwise you’ve got to tell the parents to get over it.  Arguing over blood sounds so archaic, it’s like a King in medieval England checking the lineage of his first born.  My family is a mixed one as well.  I have a son from a previous relationship and he lives with us.  My wife and I also have two of our own.  I know that it can be a mess because we have the fight with family all of the time.  Each side has their favorites and each kid gets treated a little differently; sometimes very blatantly and others oh so subtly.  I have found through the years that sometimes you just have to be an asshole.  You have to tell the grandparents that the kids are a package deal.  It’s like buying a package of hot dogs; you don’t get one without the others.  Blood be damned, they are your kids and if they choose to exclude the boy then tell them, in whatever manner you choose, to screw themselves.  I can’t honestly say that it will ever get better because even after like 8 years we still struggle.  I guess it’s all dependent on the person or persons that you are dealing with.  Some people are just old fashioned and set in their ways with “family values” which to me is just another way of saying “retarded, backwards, narrow-minded, ass clowns”.  If they fall under this category, then good luck.  You still have to set some boundaries and try because you don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that they are better than one another or resentful towards you or your parents.  If they can’t get the retarded notion of “blood is blood” out of their heads then you just have to cut them off.  Think of it as grounding the grandparents.  I don’t care how old they are; if you deny them something that they love and want then just like a kid they will give in eventually.  It may not last on a permanent basis but it works to do it every now and then.  After a good month of “grounding grandparents” they will be begging to keep both of the kids at least for a while.  As far as the holidays go, I look at it this way.  It is your little family and you get to choose what to do with it.  No one gets to tell you where you go, where you take your family, or what to do.  You are a grown ass human being and it’s all a power trip.  If you give into their dipshit demands then they will never respect you, they will look at you as a push over pansy and will always try to tell you what to do with their granddaughter. 

I’ve been dating a girl now for about 4 months and now its Christmas time which means gift time.  I’m going to buy her something but I don’t know how far out I should go.  Should I get her some jewelry?  Or do I go more small scale and maybe get a DVD or a gift card?  I don’t know where the relationship is going but I’d like for it go far.  She is from a wealthy family, so that’s the reason I’m tripping out on what to buy.

For that not so special lady.

First, don’t buy a girl you’ve only been dating for 4 months any jewelry.  Do you know how high that will place future expectations on you?  Think about it.  If you buy her a necklace this year after only 4 months, what is she going to want next year?  I’ll tell you what; a ring.  A ring with diamonds in it, with a big fat one on top in the shape of a solitaire and surrounded with platinum and attached to a lifelong commitment.  If you start out big you will be expected to stay big and get bigger every year for the rest of your time with this girl.  If you can afford this type of thing and that’s the route you are comfortable with then more power to you.  But if you are sensible man, then you will start small.  A gift at this juncture of a relationship should be something that says you’re thoughtful and practical, don’t be a cheap bastard but don’t blow your entire paycheck.  Go with something that you know for sure that she is into, like something to do with you.  Take her on a little weekend trip, go on some big date thing, or as Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg suggest, put your dick in a box.  (Warning:  The Dick in the Box should be reserved for girls that you don’t plan on dating much further than the New Year…or that night for that matter.)  No matter what it is just remember that you are setting a standard and a set of expectations with this girl so choose wisely.   Now you did say that this is someone that you’d like to see into the future, right?  Well, I don’t know anything about her and frankly I have a hard time remembering what it was like to date.  But 4 months in and you are seeing a future?  Really?  I figured 6 months would be the bare minimum for eliminating your bachelorhood.  I do have to add that if we were still in high school or college, I would suggest an entirely different route.  You would have to break up with that person for the holidays, citing some reason like “I need some time to find myself” or “I don’t want to hurt you, I have to figure out what I want”  And when the holiday was over, you would get back together, if you choose, and resume your relationship.  It was a money saving thing, nothing personal.  I know that almost every guy that I know pulled this at one point or another, but now that we are “adults” we no longer have that luxury because women caught on to what we were doing, you cheap bastard. 

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice Column Week 2

Hello, my name is Dr. Sleepy Dustin Elliott and I am here to answer all of your questions with pure, unabashed, manly logic.  I will tell you the truth as I see it and the way I see it is right.  I would never lie to you or exaggerate any sort of information.  I am a self-titled doctor and you can trust me on that.

I received great questions again but I didn’t want to strictly limit it to relationships this time so it will be slightly different...

Do people really lose their sex drive with age?  Can they go weeks or months without it?

This is what it feels and looks like
when a man has went without orgasms
for too long.

Unfortunately and sadly enough, they do.  I don’t see how this is possible but I know of many people who have said it’s true.  Stupid menopause, damn hormones, silly erectile dysfunction, and imaginary sex headaches; these all prevent sex or at least diminish it.  Even with all of that, I find it difficult to even imagine sex not being appealing. I think it is one of the greatest things on earth and I would never get tired of it.  But here’s the thing, if your partner has any of the above problems, you can tell them that orgasms and sex are two of the best remedies for those situations.  Sex and orgasms release endorphins and dopamine which make you happy, increase hormones, and can dull pain.  Orgasms are like mental penicillin; it’s a cure for all that ails you.  Like I’ve said before, it’s maintenance; you’ve got to get that stuff out of you.  If you keep all of those orgasms locked up, you are going to become irritable, grouchy, and self-hating.  And my logic is this; if you are going to get rid of those orgasms, shouldn’t you get rid of them with the person you are with rather than all by yourself?  It’s a terrible idea to go prolonged amounts of time without sex, even if it’s with yourself. 

I live with my girlfriend who is considerably younger than I am (yes, she is legal).  At first it was great but now her immaturity is really showing itself.  I want to ditch her but I feel bad about leaving her stranded like that.  What do you think?

See?  This girl is smoking hot
but she could easily ruin your
life with her dumb immaturity.

Look at the whole thing as a learning experience.  You should never live with a person that shows the least bit of immaturity.  No one ever really improves once you move in together, they simply get worse.  All of the annoying little things get exacerbated once you are in close quarters together.  I think people should only live together once they have enough space, like a home.  If you live in a studio apartment and you love you lady friend, then moving her in to that crappy 130 square foot flat is the last thing you want to do.  A couple needs space no matter how much they love on another.  I love my wife, but dammit I have to be able to have time to watch football, write, or scratch myself.  If we lived in a studio apartment that could never happen.  Every time I wanted to take a dump I would have her looking over my shoulder and beating on the door telling me to “Hurry up, I’ve got to dry my hair.  Jesus, could give a courtesy flush?  It smells like the Devil’s taint in there!!”  As long as a couple has their own space they can work out almost anything because when they are alone they can each hash their shit out.  He can think about what a douchy bastard he has been when he got mad for her  continually interrupting his game, and she can think about what a inconsiderate bitch she was when she kept interrupting his game.  See??  They can both look at their actions in different parts of the house, instead of having to be right on top of each other and wind up screaming in the same room.   But back to the point of dating an immature girl…STOP IT!!  I’m sure she is hot, but way younger, immature girls are not meant for dating, they are meant for hooking up.  Let them gain some life experience from other guys, let them ruin their lives, and wait for them to be good, ripe, and ready for something like a relationship.  Moving in with a person that you are unsure about is a guaranteed way to wind up hating them. 

I fight a lot with my parents (I’m 30) and don’t really want to go to their annual Christmas celebration.  Every year we all wind up getting mad at each other and someone always leaves with hurt feelings.  Should I feel obligated to go since they are my family?

If this is the image that you
conjure up when thinking about
Christmas with your parents,
perhaps you should think again.

No.  Sure it would be nice if you could get along and make a nice holiday, but what are the chances in that happening?  You’ve got to ask yourself, “When was the last good or even half way decent memory that I have with my parents?”  If it was over a year ago or so, then there is no real reason to hang out with them.  We are only on this planet for a special limited time, we do not get any more time, and this is it.  You cannot spend large swaths of your life being miserable if you can prevent it.  Some misery is unpreventable and inevitable, but some things can be avoided.  I try to avoid being around people that irritate me as often as possible.  If your folks insist on doing something for Christmas, tell them to meet at Waffle House or some delicious Chinese restaurant.  People feel less likely to cause a scene in a public place.  Can you really see your mom cursing your existence over a plate of Moo Goo Gai Pan and fried rice?  Can your dad belittle you with a giant pecan waffle smothered in butter and syrup sitting in front of him?  Of course you can, but at least out in public it can be a little quieter and some face can be saved when you get up and walk away from your angry disapproving parents and tell the eager, happy Chinese waitress lady, “Don’t worry, those are my parents.  They’ve got this bill.  Merry Christmas.”