I thought it was all over. I thought I would never have to do it or see it again. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve had to reintroduce one of the worst soul-sucking, mind melting, and heart destroying elements of American culture back into my life…Nick Jr. For those fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with what Nick Jr. is let me give a brief description for you. Nick Jr. is a vortex of talentless “writers” and “creators” that couldn’t hack it in the real entertainment industry where they can display their sad attempt at cartoons/kids entertainment. Nick Jr. is aimed towards the ages of 0 to 3 years. They have shows that include giant elephant abortions such as Dora the Explorer, Wow Wow Wubbzy, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Down’s syndrome Hyper Monkey Squad. Ok, everything except the monkey show but I’m waiting on it to show up any day. I thought once my now 4 year old discovered better more mature entertainment a year and a half ago that I would never have to watch this channel again. I was relieved but wrong.
I recently started watching my sister’s kids part time to help supplement some income. I’ve affectionately dubbed our home daycare, “The Bearded Nanny”. I don’t mind the kids so much except the crying, the diapers, and the poop art but I hate their TV viewing decisions more than any of that. The 2 year old loves and I do mean loves all things Nick Jr. Obviously she has no taste, because as she devoured her own boogers she happily watched an episode of “Dora the Explorer”. To give you an idea of how ridiculous the show is I’m going to describe the entire episode in adult language.
Dora, a young precocious girl of an undetermined age, is venturing across the vast jungle/desert/carnival field with her talking monkey friend who wears red boots. Dora has daily missions that are assigned to her from her various talking animal friends. There is no sign of Dora’s parents anywhere. Dora’s talking monkey friend, Boots, has decided that he wants to see his father because Dora was kind enough to dub the day, “Boot’s Special Day”. We are reminded of this new holiday every 10 to 15 seconds as the talking monkey repeats the notion of his special day. I’m not sure why Boots and his father are estranged but I’m sure as the episode progresses we may gain some insight to the situation.
They start their journey in the middle of what appears to be a random field with a few sparse trees and grass. Neither Dora nor Boots knows exactly where to find Boots’ father but luckily Dora has a magical talking map that jumps out of her magical talking backpack that can locate anyone or anything in the world only if you ask for it three times. After Dora and Boots request the presence of the map three times, he jumps out of the backpack and sings a song. The song is there to introduce you to him in case you missed the part of them repeatedly asking for him and the fact that he looks like a map with eyes and a mouth. It is a simple song where he repeats his name over and over. Through his advanced GPS technology, the map is able to locate Boots’ estranged father working in a carnival. It is clear that there is an easier way of going around to get to the carnival but the map instructs them that they must travel through a jungle, past a desert, and magically back to a random field which is holding the carnival. Dora and Boots follow the map’s odd directions, completely ignoring the easy route of simply going around all of these obstacles, without question. To ensure that the directions are burned into their minds, the map makes sure to repeat the directions 3 times (he has a thing about the number 3).
As Dora and her talking monkey friend begin their journey it is a beautiful ideal day with the sun shining brightly, a perfect day to find one’s estranged father if you ask me. Dora decides that they should collect some special stars to guide them upon their way…in the middle of the afternoon. As they trudge along they are able to capture 5 stars and trap them into her magical backpack. The stars, which can also talk and appear to have minds of their own, willingly jump into the back pack without protest. The first obstacle that befalls Dora and Boots is the thick jungle. Dora curiously questions aloud to know one in particular, “Which path do you think will get us through the jungle?” She waits about 4 seconds in silence and agrees with whatever the voice in her head told her and takes the path that is obviously not blocked with fallen trees. As they trudge through the clear jungle path they come across a baby jaguar and its friend Diego. We find out that Diego and Dora know each other and are probably related because Diego looks just like Dora in a different outfit and shorter hair. Diego agrees to help Dora and the talking monkey through the rest of the jungle with the help of his own magical backpack. Diego’s backpack doesn’t talk like Dora’s does but it does have the ability to turn into anything in the world. Diego, like Dora, ponders aloud the question of “Which of these will help us get through the jungle?” The choices presented for the invisible internal voice are a boat, a four-wheeler, or bobsled. I’m not sure why Diego has to ask which one will work the best because it seems obvious that one could not bobsled through the trees nor could one paddle through the dirt. Alas, Diego waits the standard 4 count moment of silence and figures out that the four-wheeler will be the obvious choice. Diego helps Dora and Boots on to the four-wheeler which for some reason is equipped with seat belts (it must be some new or modified model or perhaps the magical backpack made it so). The lazy Dora and Boots ride for what seems to be roughly 100 feet to the edge of the jungle to another grassy field and abandon the four-wheeler. I find this rude not to return the four-wheeler back to Diego but I’m sure he could simply walk the extra 100 feet and get it himself.
Once they reach this new grassy field they are greeted by a Spanish speaking mole/mouse figure who seems troubled by something because he’s frantically yelling something in Spanish and waving his arms in the air. Luckily Dora speaks Spanish and communicates with him. It seems that the mole/mouse has lost his kite and expects Dora and the monkey to find it for him. We are reminded that today is “Boots’ Special Day” and that the monkey needs to find his father to complete the specialness of it. He is implying that there is not enough time to get this kite but Dora urges Boots to climb the tree where the kite is stuck so they can move along. For his efforts, Dora gives Boots a banana. The mole/mouse seems thankful because he says “gracias” (which through Mr. Bowden’s Spanish class, I am able to decipher that this means “thanks”). Dora tells the mole/mouse that they have just braved their way through the jungle and are now in search of the desert. The mole/mouse is not much help and points off into a general direction of a snow covered mountain next to a desert. Once again Dora implores aloud, “Do you see which way the desert is?” Apparently her internal voice tells her that obviously the path that leads to a bunch of sand is the way to go.
Dora and her talking monkey friend with a special day make it through the desert obstacle course without much hassle. They do, however, find it fun to let the stars out to help them count how many cactuses they see. The stars are temporarily free of Dora’s magical backpack but once they are done counting the cactuses they fly right back into it rather than making a run for outer space. We find that there are 8 cactuses in the entire desert which could be useful if you are ever traveling through and need to drink some of the sweet watery mescal that cactuses produce.
As they approach the end of the desert, we can see the carnival off in the distance in a plush, grassy, green field. Once again, Dora patronizes her monkey friend with a banana for his efforts of crossing the desert and counting cactuses. When they hit the grass, Dora and Boots come upon an octopus playing with eight yo-yos. It is never questioned as to why this aquatic animal is at the edge of the desert and a grassy field with no ocean in sight nor is it questioned as to why he is playing with 8 yo-yos. As the octopus is offering Boots a brand new yo-yo for his “special” day, we hear a “swish, swish” sound. The swish sound is obviously the indicator that something is awry in Dora’s fantasy land. She warns no one in particular that it must be Swiper the Fox. Swiper, as it is explained to us, is a sneaky, thieving fox who steals for no reason. The viewer will also be able to tell that Swiper is evil because he wears a mask that only covers his eye. Boots and the dry land octopus are keenly aware of the circumstances and hold all of their possessions close to their bodies. Swiper appears out of the bushes and lunges towards the octopus from behind and steals a yo-yo. Everyone is devastated and demand the prompt return of the stolen yo-yo. The viewer is left to think that the fox will not go down without a fight but Dora shouts an incantation of “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping” and renders the fox powerless as he is forced to hand over the stolen yo-yo to the octopus. The octopus actually thanks the thief for returning his property and doesn’t even turn him into the authorities and is thus allowed to continue his stealing ways unpunished. Since the octopus has been reminded 3 times that today is “Boots’ Special Day” he offers the monkey his first non-banana present of the day. Boots gets a yo-yo which makes him break out into happy hysterics of screeching and acting like the monkey he is. Dora quietly enjoys watching the talking monkey revert back to his natural animal self for a moment.
After receiving the yo-yo, Boots sees that his father is working away as a rollercoaster operator at the carnival. He runs to his father in excitement, hugs him hard, and offers him a banana. The estranged father seems oddly happy to see the son that he had abandoned and as a consolation for his absence he offers Boots a free ride on the rollercoaster that he operates. It is probably out of guilt that he does this because Boots, as he has done all day when he meets someone, tells his father that today is his “special” day. When they all got onto the loan rollercoaster car I wondered who would operate the rollercoaster since the father was along for the ride. I didn’t have the foresight to see that the car that they were in would be a magical Spanish speaking car that could only be operated by shouting Spanish words at it. After a short 5 second ride on the coaster, they all hooped off and had an impromptu singing and dancing party in celebration of this special day.
Now if you were able to read that whole story, aren’t you amazed at what cartoons are teaching our children? A child and her talking monkey can go wondering about without any supervision through jungles and deserts. It is okay to talk to strangers and accept gifts from them. Stopping a thief is as easy as telling them to “stop” and there will be no repercussions for breaking the law. And it’s easy to reconcile your parent’s abandonment with a banana and a rollercoaster ride. Dangerous lessons indeed. But I guess that is why Dora’s theme song goes along so well with the horrible themes of this show, “Duh, duh, da, duh Dora. Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.”
Maybe next time we can talk about Wubbzy's message of being a useless lazy member of society and how it makes you cool.
