Amazing Art with Brandt Hardin

Recently when I posted my Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits blog, a fellow smart person posted a comment and a link to his personal art blog.  Anyone that takes the time to comment on anything, in my book, is worthwhile of checking out.  I clicked the link and was blown away by the artist.  I just wanted to share this stuff with you all because it is fantastic.  It reminds me a little of Ralph Steadman of Fear and Loathing fame but with perhaps more acid.  I do not personally know Hardin but I told him that I wanted to share with everyone the work he is doing.  So if you are an art fan or just like really cool pictures please click the link.

Also, just as a sample, I wanted to share on this page the FauxNews picture he made.  It might be my favorite. 

Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits

I was delighted this morning when I went to read through the Huffington Post and found a new Ann Coulter clip.  Ann Coulter is one of my favorite comedians and has kept me entertained for years.  The only thing is though, she has no Comedy albums or specials, instead she has little guest appearances on FauxNews and other shows that are eager to hear her well thought out, considerate views.  She is kind of like the one-woman show equivalent of another hilarious traveling improv group, the Westboro Baptist Church. 

I believe that both her and the infamous hate group are really just a bunch of failed actors who couldn't make it to the big screen and had to find another way to make money.  They troll us all and get us all upset and they ultimately win.  Well, while I do think that we should find everything Ann Coulter and the WBC do repulsive, I also think that we should see it for what it is:  large scale trolling.  They are like those douchebags that can find a negative, adverse thing to say about any given subject, picture, or story.  I guarantee that if you go to any large Facebook page, scroll through and find the most innocent looking picture of a baby or flowers, you will see a comment on there somewhere that says "That's a gay baby" or "Flowers are the devil's tools for sin" or something equally ridiculous.  And this is exactly what people like Ann Coulter does, give that bitch any subject and she can find away to twist it up and piss off every American with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's.  So instead of getting angry, just see it for what it is and have a laugh, and realize that only bottom feeders buy into this crap. 

Here is the clip that had me laughing in disbelief this morning.  You see, this attention whore needed some new attention and thought it would be funny to say that we should publish a list of all women who've had an abortion so we would know who would be willing to murder a child.  If you watch carefully, you can see the split second before she says it and the moment afterwards that she is obviously trolling.  She knows what she just said is preposterous but that moment afterwards she also knows that she just got herself a new YouTube clip.  She doesn't believe in a damn thing that she says.  She just keeps on thinking of the most horrific things to say and vomits them out for attention....because she's an attention whore. 

The great part of what the Huffington Post made was what I like to call a "Greatest Hits of Ann" and I wanted to link it here for you.  It's given me a lot of laughs this morning.  Check it out here.

Eating Corn Flakes, Happy Bert Day, and DMX Christmas Carols

After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles.  Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me.  It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity.  Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping.  Is this the life I want?  Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done?  Yeah, pretty much.  I don't like my current station in life of just getting by.  I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!!  I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog.  Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right?  Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song. 

Kellogg's Was Meant to Stop Masturbation

This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan

I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since.  I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them.  John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news.  You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate.  An extremist if you will.  Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex.  He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse.  Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night.  The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing.  My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?"  But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex:  micro-baby-dick.  Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time.  He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link.  Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis. 

Happy Bert Day!!!  7 Hours of Bert Kreischer

Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience.  What did this mean for me?  No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do.  If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video.  This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style.  I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him.  He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him.  At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone.  Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.  You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever.  Or you can click on the links from earlier.  It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.

Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"

I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it.  Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.











I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head.  As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.   

Working Hoochy Asses for Gift Cards: by mystery guest writer

As I am apt to do from time to time, I give other people an opportunity to write on the blog.  Today, a certain lady felt inspired to write after reading some comments left on the Facebook page.  I post pictures and I never do it to hurt anyone.  I always do it in the spirit of fun and laughter, nothing more.  It has never once been personal to anyone but a couple of people took it seriously today so it set off the wrath of this writer.  (I'm only not naming her because she asked me too.  And technically this was dictated to me.)

So with all the hype surrounded by the pictures that were put up on the Facebook page I wanted to take the time to point out a few things to some of the slutty skanks that decided to pull together and make some insults.

1. If you enter a public contest at some local glory hole in your bikini and look like you are taking a dump on the floor, then you deserve the public ridicule you get when it lands on said club’s public site.
2. If you are a succubus, and have so many kids that child services had to get involved and correct your crappy parenting, I would not point a single finger at two people that have never lost custody of their children.
3. If you think someone is jealous of your relationship which consists of being beaten by a toothless, thug, then honey you might want to get some self- help in your local support group. DHS can help you get there.
4. I would rather have the body of a beached whale versus having a meth-body just to go out and look like a zombie stripper for the local horn dogs.
5. It makes me sad when low IQ people try to make legitimate arguments when they cannot spell.  (tHiZ iZz NoT hOwE yoU dU iT)
6. The Mouse’s Ear rejects that keep making comments…you make my eyes hurt. You know, I had some hard times being a teenage mom and all, but guess what trolls? I went to college and here I am now with 2 degrees. No one handed it to me. I had to work for it. You know, like you work your hooch asses in the strip club for gift cards, well I worked mine off to get a better job.  
7. It's too late to be a good example for your horde of children but the least you can do is save them from further embarrassment and stop putting your self on the internet.
8. When you have multiple “baby daddy’s,” and continue to attain more partners and “baby daddies,” you might be a whore.
9. Have some standards for goodness sake and hit Goodwill and cover your puppies up and booty. Walk around covered up like it’s a secret! Why? Because some things should be left unseen. Now ladies, I have given you some sound advice here. I would also like to add that all skanks on the Goodship Stripper-Pop need to get a sense of humor. If you want to be taken seriously, then act like a human. You cannot expect to be a member of society and be taken seriously when you conduct yourselves like homeless trollops.

So that is what was dictated to me by a special person.  And I do want to reiterate that I never do this with any ill-will towards anyone, and if you do get butt-hurt may I recommend getting off of the other sites that post funny pictures you silly hypocrites.  Enjoy some pictures and remember that.

 

 

As always if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething.  Just keep it light, it's not that serious.

 

 

I Need a Reboot: Ending 2012 and taking 2013 Seriously

I feel this so hard.  Hearing it once is fine but
after that, you kind of feel like shooting someone
while calling them a motherfucker.

When I started this blog in 2011, I started off with a goal in mind.  I wanted to write something 2 or 3 times a week, I wanted to be relevant, I wanted to be funny, and I wanted it to lead to something.  Guess how many of those goals were achieved?  Two, sort of and those are subjective.  What the hell happened?  I could sit here and reel off a whole list of excuses but that would be boring.  So instead I wanted to take a new approach to the whole blog starting with the cliche of the the New Year.  I know that is lame and I hate myself for even typing those words but I sort of figured this time to be a good jumping off point. 

This year I am going to start to treat this blog as a job.  I found that to be my problem in the past.  It was something that I did casually and I often would have ideas and then be too busy or more honestly too damn lazy to write them down.  So this year every day for at least 1 to 3 hours a day (or night) I'll dedicate myself to this page.  Whether I write out some original ideas or whether I make it commentary on news or if I simply find some stuff on the internet that interests me.  I want my site to become a place that my friends and fans come to in order to find and learn about interesting shit that they might not have otherwise found.  I want to add my commentary to whatever I find suitable.  So without further adieu, I wanted to start this off with introducing some interesting stuff that I've recently been looking into. 


The Picture of the Day

If you've ever seen any of my other pictures then
you'll know exactly where I got this.

I'm not sure what it is with girls either making a duckface or sticking their tongues out in seemingly every other picture on the internet but our friend here on the leftside of the picture has taken it to new levels. Lick a friend!! If any of my friends licked me while taking a picture, the next shot would be of me punching him in the throat.

Interview with a Cannibal: from Vice.com

I first learned about this guy while listening to my favorite podcast (and sort of my inspiration for doing this in the first place) the Joe Rogan Experience.  His name is Issei Sagawa and he is a confirmed psychotic cannibal.  In 1981, Sagawa murdered fellow college student Renee Hartevelt in Paris and over the course of three days cut off and devoured pieces of her and saved other choice cuts in his fridge.  He was caught dumping the leftovers in a lake.  The story itself is chilling and disturbing but I feel that most of us are so jaded with crazy news stories that we cannot ever truly grasp the horror of crimes.  This short 30 odd minute documentary is an interview with the monster.  He gives details of his crime along with personal illustrations with such a matter of fact attitude that it sends chills up your spine.  He admittedly has no remorse for his crime and by watching it, one could definitely conclude that he would like to do it again.  And he very well could, because guess what?  He never served prison time for his crime.  He was immediately sent to a psychiatric hospital in France after his apprehension and declared insane.  However the French, in their infamous hospitality, did not want to foot the bill for keeping this madman locked up and deported him back to Japan.  Japan is known to take care of their own and after a short stint in one of their hospitals, they released him and he's been free ever since.  This documentary covers not only his crimes but his life since the "incident", as he calls it.  He has made a living off his own infamy writing books about his crime, starring in cheesy Z level Japanese movies exploiting him as a cannibal, and even did a porn with an unsuspecting actress who only learned of his crimes after the sex was done.  So gather up the family, get some popcorn, and watch this fun-filled, happy-go-lucky documentary...or not.  You should probably watch this alone and with a side of horror and disgust.

The Joe Rogan Experience

This definitely will not be the last time I mention the JRE as it continues to amaze me with every episode but I felt that I have to mention it in the first blog of the year.  If you've never listened (and according to statistics only me and about 10 other people in the entire state of TN listen to any podcasts), you have to.  As a matter of fact, if you don't listen to this one then find one that you do like.  Podcasts are, to me, the best form of entertainment, information, and distraction that can be had for free.  Go to iTunes, go to podcasts and you'll see literally hundreds of great shows...all for free.  You pay nothing!!!  Anyway, go find one and do it, you might learn something!!  This clip hear is one of a series of 2012 year in review videos for the JRE so I figured it would be a good taste for people new to the experience. 

The 9 Wildest Things Fox News has said in 2012 from the Huffington Post

I found this little jewel this morning while scrolling around my Huffington Post App.  I won't always pick on Conservatives and Republicans but when you get something this great it's hard to ignore.  I promise I'll knock on the liberal side as well, because we say stupid shit all the time too.  I've found that this year, above many others, we have examples of bad, terrible rhetoric from the Conservative side though.  A lot of rape minimalizing, a lot of gay blaming, and a lot about how the absence of God in schools has led to these shootings has been muttered without a bit of foresight from these Neanderthals.  Rape has been a big issue with them all year, I guess because of the whole birth control drama.  The birth control issue is something I could go off on for an hour but I'll sum it up in as few words as possible.  Birth control is a good thing, we are overpopulated as it is, women have the right to it, companies that try to deny it are anti-progress and in all reality too cheap to provide it and think we are all too stupid to realize it, and it should really be a non-issue.  There I said it.

The Lumineers



Now on to something more cheery...I know that I am probably just old or out of touch but I recently discovered this band while bullshitting around on Spotify.  Apparently, millions of other people heard about these guys before I did and have watched this video and bought their album but dammit, it's better late than never.  I just picked up the CD today (I know it's available to listen to for free on the internet but sometimes I like having a physical copy. Stop judging me!!) Holy Batman's Nutsack, Robin!!  This is a tremendous album.  There doesn't seem to be one moment of "suck" on the entire thing.  I do however, recommend watching this video with your eyes closed because it is about as lame as it gets but the song is great. 


If you like what I do or if you hate me, come check me out on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething.  Tell me how great you think I am or tell me I'm an asshole.  Either way, thanks for reading.  Also for God's sake, go through my Amazon links if you want to buy from them, I'll get a few pennies.

Post Election Hangover: The Week After

Well, it's been a little over a week since the Electoral College took a look at our votes and decided which guy would ultimately take the helm of Supreme Ruler of America.  Many people have felt that the Electoral College chose the wrong guy.  Many people believe in voter fraud.  Many people thought the count was wrong.  Worst of all?  Many people thought that this was the beginning of the apocalypse, armageddon, the holocaust, and ground zero for a massive zombie outbreak all rolled into one. 

Now before you hit the little 'x' in the upper right hand corner hear me out.  I'm not criticizing people who voted Romney.  I'm really not.  What I am criticizing is narrow-mindedness and complete apocalyptical thinking.  Neither Romney nor Obama were or are the saviors of America.  They are simply men who raised enough money to buy votes and support from the correct special interest groups, lobbyists, and corporations who will then turn around and be controlled by these same groups.  That's all.  So please don't be sad that Romney didn't get in, he wasn't going to save you just like Obama isn't either.  Don't gloat in Obama's victory, it doesn't mean anything just as if Romney would've gotten in.

This has not happened...yet

I've waited a week to write this because I was wanting to make sure that the "doom and gloom" crowd weren't correct in predicting the end of civilization.  I woke on the morning after the election and peeked outside my window to make sure that zombies weren't dragging my neighbors out of their homes, that cars weren't spontaneously combusting, that there weren't any massive dumpster fires, and that there wasn't any rioting in the streets before I got out of bed.  And you know what?  I couldn't tell a difference between Tuesday morning when I woke up and that Wednesday.  Hell, each day I've been waiting for lizard-people to come around with sub-atomic brain suction lasers to suction my thoughts and soul out of my body.  Alas, it has not happened.  When I get in my car each morning I wince at the thought that when I turn the key, I might be instantly vaporized.  I'm timid when I pull into the parking lot at school, thinking that all of these students might actually be zombies ready to eat my face. But nope, nothing has changed.  I think and ponder all this because on that Wednesday I went to Facebook and saw all the foretelling of the collapse of society as we know it being spewed out by many people who were sad.

Sure, there were certainly some entertaining posts that weren't actually meant for entertainment (I think), but most of them were so out there that one would easily conclude that the apocalpse was starting in the next 5 minutes.  I saw, "America is dead", "God will punish America", and "I'm moving to Mexico/Canada", just to name a few.  Now if you took a time traveler from the 1800's who landed in 2012 and told them to read all of these posts, he would start to quiver in his boots and faint from sheer terror.  People were blowing this whole thing way out of proportion.  I was actually ashamed to know some of these people.  I couldn't believe that anyone could type or say those things and actually be serious.  I decided to engage one of the more extreme people to try to get an idea of what he was thinking.  He had combined all three of the previous examples into one single post and then some (he added that Obama was an evil Muslim that hated America and Israel).  I told him the short version of what I'm saying here now, but it fell on deaf ears. 

Drug Cartel's favorite activity for white people

My favorites have been the posts about moving to Mexico or Canada.  Yeah, that will fix your problems.  Mexico's notorious drug cartels just love white people.  Let me rephrase that, they love the severed heads of white people who got too close to their operation.  Canada is pretty cool but then you have the healthcare thing that so many are bitching about now.  Got a cold?  Get in line, it might take a month or two. 

See?  That's not Obama.

If you find that you are one of these people that said all of these things, don't think that I hate you or wish ill-will towards you.  Quite the contrary, I care about you and I want you to be smarter than what you are showing.  Every president that has come along throughout history has had their naysayers.  People have always prophetized the end of the world when he get a president.  They are always the "Antichrist" in someone's eyes.  But look, we haven't blown our selves up, the zombies haven't risen, society hasn't collapsed, and you are probably doing the same thing today as you were the same time last week.  Electing a president does not make for great changes, the people of America are the ones who change it.  We need to look past these silly party lines that we've drawn up and step over them and help each other out.  Positive change will only happen when we decide to make it happen.  So stick around gloom-and-doomers, greatness could be just around the corner.

Advice Blog: "Dude, It'd Probably be Easier if You Were Gay"

Yeah, that really is the title of this one. And yeah, I really did tell someone that. I have a good sound reason too. It's not because this guy or any guy that has women problems seems to have any "gay tendencies" or I feel that they are in the closet or anything. No, it's because at a certain point communicating with women and deciphering their secret code can become so frustrating that it could cross one's mind. Same for women too. I hear women say all the time, "I swear, I'm almost at the point of writing off men for good" but you never hear, "Dude, it'd probably be easier if you were gay"....until now.

I was talking to a friend the other day that has had a bad run with women here lately and it always seems to come down to simple communication problems. You see women and men, fundamentally, communicate differently and although there is nothing wrong with that, it's still maddening. I'm not going to get into that hacky, typical comedian thing of "Hey, did you ever notice women do (enter cliché here)? But I will say that women will beat around the bush about what they want from a man. She may say something like, "I've not eaten much today" and what that means when translated to Man-talk says, "Hey, will you get me something to eat?" I will also say that women tend to mask what they want with vagueness like, "I want to take things slow" or "I think we are moving too fast". Now I don't know how to translate that to Man-talk because it is so vague. My friend had this said to him from the last couple of girls he has dated. I don't know what the hell this means, and to be honest, no one knows what it means, man or woman, it's simply something to say to throw the man off. I've tried to decipher the meaning and even came up with some plausible ideas of what it might mean (No sex, too much hanging, too much calling, meeting the parents, etc.) but I can't be sure. The woman might be fine with a lot of sex but you are calling her too much or she doesn't want the sex but would really like to hang out more. Who knows? When I was stuck in the dating world 136 years ago, I got one of those statements several times and I would ask, "Ok. So what do you want then? Am I calling too much? Should we have sex less often? What is it?" Inevitably it was always another vague answer to a specific question, "No, it's just that I want to take it slow"

If a man were to say something like this (which would probably not happen) it would be much more specific like, "Listen, you are being too clingy, I need some guy time, quit blowing up my phone, but let's still have sex whenever possible" And why is that? Because typically men say exactly what they want. We do not practice the art of being vague, we don't dance around a subject, and we certainly do not do little tests. Which is another thing; women do the "test-talk" all the time. "That girl has a nice body don't you think, honey?" the female might say and since men say what they mean a male might say yes. But no that was a test, he isn't supposed to find other women attractive, he lost sight of other beauty when he met his girlfriend, his eyes cannot even register the opposite sex, everyone just looks grey and featureless anymore!! There are a million examples of this and I think you get my point and now that brings me back around full-circle to my statement of it might be easier to be gay.

I'm not trying to down play how it is to be a gay man or woman in this world; I know that there are many struggles that they have to go through in society. What I am saying is, at the root of it, excluding outside judgment and homophobes, being gay would be pretty easy, especially for a man. Of course, there is also the problem for some that they don't find other dudes attractive but if that was taken out it would be great. The guy could hang out with his best friend; they could watch sports, drink, take a dump without shame, scratch their balls without judgment, and would never have to worry about communication problems. A dream monogamous gay dude situation would be watching the Super Bowl, guzzling iced mugs of beer, smoking cigars, and eating some hot wings. The only downfall would be that you'd half to have sex later. But if you could get past the part where you aren't attracted to other dudes, wouldn't that be great?

Or let's say that you've grown tired of women and their games and you just want to go out, try some dudes, and have no strings attached. Shazam, son!! If you are looking for anonymous-no-strings sex, look no further than Craiglist. If you've never read through Craigslist "casual encounters" or "missed connections" section then you are missing out on a treat. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that men say exactly what they want and what they are thinking, and apparently men want some pretty damn dirty things. I just want to give some real examples real quick, none of this has been pre-screened; I just simply went there and these are some of the gems I found: (I think it goes without saying that this blog is getting ready to be pretty explicit, so if you are easily offended, then it's time to go)

•   From Bristol - "clean and discreet cock sucker swallowing loads. nice looking total bottom. stop by econo lodge rm to to to on commonwealth and use my mouth. clean tight butt needs a good drilling also. have some porn."
• From Bristol - "I AM A COCKSUCKER TRIED AND TRUE.  LOVE TO SUCK, DEEPTHROAT, SWALLOW CUM, RIM AND WORSHIP HOT GUYS.
  MARRIED, STR8 AND UNCUT ARE PLUSES BUT NOT REQUIREMENTS.
  IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, YOU SHOULD BE 50 OR UNDER, HWP, AND HAVE BALLS FULL OF CUM."
• From, you guessed it, Bristol - " I want someone to come over and plow the hell out of my ass and use my throat as hard as you want.. send pics and i do whatever you ask. i will be your sex slave."
• And probably my favorite one that I found tonight, from Asheville - "Hosting now in my hotel- dressed in panties, stockings garter, lace...got a room full of panties, an ass filled with a dildo, and a cock that needs sucking....please bring your eager mouth
  Will bottom for right guy- Will let u cum and pee on me if that's your thing
  6'3 200lbs white married cd 6.5 cut and shaved"

What most of the guys are hoping for
on Craigslist.

See? These are gay dudes being honest about what the hell they want. They don't want to be your friend, they don't want to have some deep intellectual conversation, they want to get down and dirty. This kind of talk would not and could not work with 90% of women (unless you are paying them and that is their profession). With women, it is a cat-and-mouse game of getting down to the bottom of what each of them want. No one is going to be that out and tell you that it's perfectly ok to piss on them in a bar. If you like dudes or you are fed up with women and want to try a dude, Craigslist seems to be the place to go.

I know it's not very practical advice for most because chances are that if you've dated women your entire dating life then you probably like women and think dudes are gross. This is the one chink in my advice armor. I couldn't do it but perhaps if you get desperate enough it might be the right way to go for you.