Please Don't Pass the "Bath" Salt

I don't care how pretty it is
I don't want to shove it in my nose

I have an idea.  I want to open a shop, my own business, and in this shop I want to sell rusty hepatitis needles, buckets of broken glass with AIDS blood, and self-adhesive herpes infected duct tape to wrap around one’s genitals and call the store “STD’s and Sharp Objects Emporium”.  What?  You don’t think that’s a good idea?  Why not?  Because it’s an obviously terrible and dangerous idea that would ultimately kill every customer I had and there would be people stupid enough to buy it.  Sure, my example might be a wee bit on the extreme side but when you look at the current predicament that we are in with all of this blatantly retarded synthetic drug mess it’s not that far off.  And I use the word “retarded” because it’s the only one that fits and I can justify it.  Merriam-Webster defines the word as “slowness in development or progress” and isn’t that what this whole bath salts/K2/synthetic marijuana thing is?  People selling these chemical abortions are impeding the progress of society.  They are like vultures for stupid people.  They see some naïve or blatant idiot walk into their store and they know “I can make a buck off of this”.  Going back to my horrible idea of my sharp objects and STD store, don’t you think that someone in the government would immediately come in and shut it down with no questions asked?  Of course they would.   They wouldn’t have to hide behind stuff like chemical compounds and legality.  No.  They would say, “Hey, jerkoff.  You can’t sell crap that’s going to kill everyone!!”  I would have no recourse.  I couldn’t hide behind the guise of therapeutic, aromatherapy, incense garbage; it would be obvious to everyone that I’d be selling diseases.  Why is this not obvious now?  Why can’t the government, on any level, just say “cut the shit, you can’t sell this stuff”? 

It would be so much cooler if
Walter White could explain this section

Well, I wanted to research it a bit to find out why.  According to Hunterdon Drug Awareness Program, a nonprofit group who researches drugs and addiction, it’s difficult to regulate because of all the various chemical compounds in these synthetic drugs.  MDPV was the original chemical along with mephedrone, and methylone that started this wave of retardation.  They belong to a group of synthetic cathinones related to natural cathinones found in some plants which produce only a mild effect.  The FDA had not been able to regulate these probably because they never thought people would be dumb enough to try it.  Now that the ball is rolling and many states are outlawing MDPV, mephedrone, and methylone yet another loop hole has been found.  By just manipulating a couple of molecules in these compounds they can technically call them something else and just restart the process all over.  The newer second generation, if you will, chemical is Naphyrone which is basically just some chemists messing around with the same crap and calling it something else.  Naphyrone acts as a TRIPLE reuptake inhibitor controlling Serotonin which is the natural stuff inside our bodies that makes us feel good.  We release Serotonin when we are dealing with stress and are trying to make ourselves happy, like an orgasm.  Now imagine something tripling the effect.  It sounds good in theory (a TRIPLE orgasm!!!) but too much Serotonin increases body temperatures to dangerous levels, causes irrational and erratic behaviors, and often death.  A triple orgasm sounded so much better.  This is why we read stories of people doing insane things on these bath salts and K2.  They are higher than shit and have zero control over anything that they do.  So basically, science and chemistry are blocking the outright banning of these substances because when one gets outlawed, they change the molecules around, and BAM!! A new synthetic drug is born.  The government/legal system can’t, for whatever reason, keep up.

See this is a plant, it's not synthetic.
Why is this plant illegal?

Here’s the irony of it for me; cocaine, no matter what has been added or taken away, is across the board illegal, a natural plant, marijuana, no matter what is done to it is almost across the board illegal (some states have wised up and actually bothered reading a medical study or two and legalized it because there is no harm and has medical benefits, but we’ll get to that later), meth and all of its crazy chemical concoctions is illegal, and heroin forget about it, you won’t find that at your local drug store.  So if all of these and other drugs are illegal why not just say, “Synthetic drugs not used in the form of any medically beneficial way are illegal”?  It seems simple to me.  In my opinion it comes down to too much governmental red tape.  They step on so many other aspects of the private lives of citizens and corporations, why not just one more?  Why not do something worthwhile?  Why not stop caring who wants to marry who and keeping all of their lobbyist groups happy and ban something that is so obviously harmful? 

If only he could run on this platform alone

In one of the first “marijuana” laws in 1905, the US Department of Agriculture declared that cannabis (the fancy scientific word for pot) was a poison and thus was able to start the ball rolling and got cannabis banned in 29 states and eventually by 1935 it was across the board “illegal poison”.  Now, that seemed simple enough.  They effectively banned a “drug” that at the time showed no actual poisonous effects.  Why not now?  Couldn’t Obama get to the podium in front of CNN, FauxNews, and MSN and say, “WTF?  Bath Salts??  Really??  You people are snorting this shit?  Screw it, you aren’t responsible enough.   It’s illegal, bitches!!” and then he drops the mic and walks off stage.  When things are simplified it’s easier but we can’t do it, because it would be considered improper and in bad taste.  If all of the politicians could speak freely and say what really needed to be said, our world would be such an immeasurably better place.  If they weren’t worried about offending or upsetting their lobbyist groups and went with their guts we wouldn’t have something like this. 

Did you see that?  Romney just turned on an obviously sick guy who used medical marijuana and suggested that he use synthetic stuff.  He didn’t want to offend his buddies in the pharmaceutical companies by saying that medical marijuana is beneficial, but then made a bigger blunder by being an assclown who not only ignores a sick man and his questions but suggests something far more dangerous in synthetics.  If he’s an actual intelligent human being like he claims to be (and that’s a stretch), he would’ve been able to say, “Yeah, I see your point.  We should really look into this.  Perhaps there are benefits” in a perfect world but he couldn’t suggest medicines because the guy already covered that and said they didn’t work so he went with something that was technically legal.  To me this video speaks volumes about the whole situation of synthetics and the decriminalization of marijuana.  No politician has been willing to use common sense, look at facts, and make an intelligent informed decision.

When people are raping goats in their grandmother’s dresses, leaving their baby strapped to their car seat in the middle of the interstate, or going into full scale seizures from a legal drug, then it’s time to make some sort of change.  So if you want to make some sort of difference, I have some suggestions.

·         Don’t buy it, unless you’re planning on killing yourself.

·         Boycott any store that sells it, no matter how cool the bongs that they sell are.

·         Maybe do a protest.  Protests gain attention and make for bad press for the place.

·         Perhaps drop a line to your Governor, Senator, or other ineffective state representative.  They won’t read it but perhaps an intern will see it and mention it in a meeting or if enough people write them they will just get so fed up that they might consider helping you.

·         Spread the word, share some articles (like this one, wink, wink) on Facebook or Twitter, and if you know someone doing this stuff, slap them and flush it.

If you like the stuff I say or even if you don’t and want to insult me relentlessly on Facebook, go to this link and click like and you’ll be free to heap praise or troll me with your ridiculous rhetoric.

A Strange Man Put Warm Goo on me and it wasn't Gay at all

This is the best medicine, well that
plus some heavy antibiotics

"You know this is oddly, unintentionally homoerotic right?" I asked the ultrasound tech yesterday. "Uh, no. Why?" he answered kind of uncomfortably. "Well, here I am lying shirtless on a table in a dark room being squirted with warm goo by a stranger while he rubs my arm. Out of context it sounds kind of gay huh?" I told him. He got a huge belly laugh out of that and thus the tension of being in the hospital around strangers was broken. Throughout my bouts of sickness and long stints in the hospital I've always tried to make jokes with the staff. Some of them are humorless androids of which all jokes and attempts of laughter are completely lost upon, and others can appreciate a good laugh in a gloomy job.



Over the past 4 + years, I've been in the hospital more times than I can count. I've had cancer, cellulitis, MRSA, sarcoidosis, 3 blood clots, 7 surgeries, radiation, 2 wound VACs, 4 PICC lines, a removal of my gall bladder, and 2 of these weird little tubes with a pump on the end that drains yucky yellow fluid from my knee. I've found that about the only way to deal with all the crushing depression of being sick so often is to joke about it. When I first got cancer, I was still able to do a lot of things, just as I still am, but oftentimes I was really just too sick to do crap. My father in law would often come by the house when I would be stuck there all day and check on me. I would always make a point to make him feel uncomfortable as possible. "Dusty, why don't you take out the trash? It's right outside the door, all you've got to do is open the door and put trash out there." he would often ask when I had simply forgotten or been too lazy to do it. "Oh sorry Mike, I didn't do it because my cancer hurt." He would look uncomfortable and guilty for a moment and then I'd bust out laughing, hop up, and take out the trash in front of him. He hated it and has never gotten my sense of humor, but it always made me laugh.

What radiation feels like.

If I had not been able to joke about all of this and laugh, I would've gone insane a long time ago. Everyone around me over the past 4 years has been really supportive, but they don't always appreciate the uncomfortable stuff that I say. or do. My wife will still occasionally cringe when I make jokes. My mom and grandmother don't always get it. My mother-in-law doesn't laugh. And oftentimes hospital workers give me the look that says, "Stay right there for a moment while I go get you a strait jacket." When I was forced to go into do radiation (and I say "forced" because I didn't want to go, I found it completely unnecessary) I protested quite often. Sure I knew that I would go and do it but no without making them feel queasy first. The first day I arrived for my radiation treatment, I announced that I was there to "get into their Easy Bake Oven". One of the admitting nurses looked at me like I was a monster and the other cracked up. If you don't know, radiation for some patients can cause extreme skin burns and skin deteriation. It's a complete toss up, you could have minimal effects or you could look like a steak that had been left on a grill for 5 hours. Luckily for me, after they got done with me, my leg looked like a charred corpse. It hurt like nothing I've ever experienced. The first few treatments only minor burns were showing up but soon enough it was starting to turn black and flaky. Often when I would arrive for treatment they would ask how I was doing and I'd reply with "Well done" or "Extra Crispy". Heads would hang with quiet laughter and a tinge of embarrassment but at least I got a kick out of it.



Before I got the first surgery to remove the tumor or had ever had a single round of radiation, I would go to doctor's appointments with a bit of Skoal in my mouth. I wasn't doing it to be defiant, well maybe a little but that wasn't my main deal. I did it because I was addicted to it, it made me feel at ease, and I liked it. My doctor would always fuss at me, "Why do you insist on dipping when you're here?" he would ask. "Why not? Am I going to get even more cancer?" I would always tell him. He would grin but still insist that I not do it. Eventually I quit doing that to him after he had done the first 2 surgeries to remove the tumor, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. I knew everything was completely treatable but there was a lot to go through to get too well again. I really had no idea.

This is what a wound vac looks
like.  I could've posted a picture
of one actually attached to a
wound but I didn't want you to vomit

After the first two surgeries and radiation, my leg got infected pretty badly because they didn't quite wait long enough for me to heal from the surgeries before starting me on radiation. The radiation opened the surgical wounds and thus caused me to be really susceptible to infections since I had to hang around the hospital all the time, thus causing me a whole new batch of problems. The first time I got a serious MRSA infection they had to go in and cut out a baseball sized hole in my leg to get it all out. Obviously I couldn't walk around with a hole in my leg, so when I woke up from surgery I had a wound VAC stuck to my leg. If you don't know, a wound VAC is this machine that you carry around in a bag that looks like the most unfashionable purse with a tube running to where the wound was that literally sucked out all the yucky fluid. In short, it simply sucked. I didn't really have any idea of how much flesh they had taken out of me until I got home and my home health nurse had to come out and change the tubing and bandages. When she removed it, I was amazed because there in my leg was a hole as wide as a baseball and about 2-3 inches deep. I wasn't really grossed out by it and was actually kind of fascinated by it. As my nurse was getting ready to bandage it back up I told her to give me just a moment. I pulled out my cell phone and took a picture of it and sent the pic to my wife with the message that said, "Look, I've got a HOLE new place to hide my stuff." She was at work and when she retrieved my message I quickly got a horrified call from her. "Oh my God, what is wrong with you, that's disgusting? Is that your leg?" She was nearly in tears, but I told her yeah and it was fine.



The biggest inconvenience of that wound VAC, besides the fact that it looked like a cheap purse with tubes coming out of it, was the fact that it made "farting" noises all of the time. Often when I would venture out of the house, I would get the strange looks from everyone when the little machine would rip one off that sounded worthy of Roseanne but there was never a worse time than when I had to go to a funeral. My wife's grandfather passed away shortly after I had this Godforsaken machine placed with me. I tried to get out of wearing the VAC before going to the funeral but I was leaking so badly that it would've leaked out all over my khakis. So with regret, I had to wear it. I sat in the service just praying that it wouldn't go off but during one of the most solemn of moments, a prayer, the little VAC ripped off one of the loudest fart noises yet. I opened my eyes while everyone was praying and looked around to see if anyone had noticed, I saw a few curled up faces but then I saw my brother in law about to lose it his composure as he was choking on his laughter. It made my embarrassment feel a little better from then on. Plus I knew Katie's grandfather and I know that he would have gotten a big kick out of the whole thing, I liked to think that he was looking down on the whole situation and laughing hysterically.

Through it all, I've tried to laugh about it. I don't really like talking about it because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. Nothing makes me feel worse than people looking at me like, "Oh you poor thing". I don't mind anyone saying anything like that but looks are more uncomfortable than anything. I'd rather see someone smile or find some humor in a humorless situation. I'm getting better even though I still have my moments of getting sick (like my recent round of MRSA) but I all I can do is take the medicine and make the nurses and doctors feel grossly uncomfortable and confused.

Hairdressers with Horrible Haircuts

How confident would you
be if this were to cut your
hair?

I went yesterday to get my bi-weekly or once monthly haircut. I'm a guy so I'm really not all that picky. I drive around until I see a place that has a sign eluding to the fact that they might cut hair there and it could be relatively cheap. My hair is simple; I either shave it off or just get it trimmed up. I could probably do it myself but I'm only slightly too vain to do it in the fear of screwing it up. The last few times that I've went to various hair cutting establishments, I've noticed a new trend in the people who do the cutting of the hair. I've seen these women who have jacked up haircuts themselves. And I don't mean just a little. I mean "long-blue-streak-on-one -side-and -the -other -side -is black -and -yellow shaved- above- the- ear" kind of screwed up hair. I know that they are trying to be stylish and expressive but it doesn't exactly instill great faith in their abilities when it looks like they let Stevie Wonder have a pair of scissors and shears and a small bucket of hair paint. I hardly ever let this actually detract me from letting them cut my hair, because like I said, "I'm simple".

Sadly, she is probably cutting someone's hair right now Yesterday I pulled into a place that cut hair and I'll just call them Terrific HairCuts (just plug in different metaphors if you want to figure out the real name, I didn't want to openly disparage them) and it was the same story. A large heavy set woman approached me with two long bangs hanging on either side of her head, a little on the top, and the back completely shaven and asked for my name and what I wanted done to my hair. I wanted to crack a joke with her and say "Gimme exactly what you got!" but I feared the humor could possibly be lost on her. I gave her my order and she took me back to her chair and I was seated next to this other youngish guy. She was shaving and cutting away on me and doing a fine job but I was watching the girl next to me cut the other guy's hair. She had jet black hair that looked like a squirrel ran through it and took a shit and enough piercings in her face to mistake her for a slice of Swiss cheese. This particular woman acted like she didn't know what she was doing, she seemed like she might have taken too much valium or perhaps she had never been to beauty school because she was cutting his hair so unconfidently and apprehensively. I noticed the look of fear on the guy's face but he was being cool.

Yeah, something like this

As my hair cutting experience was coming to an end, I watched in horror as the other woman seemed to forget what she was doing for a moment and shaved a jagged patch onto the top of this guy's head. "Whoa...what the hell are you doing?" he said. The girl barely made a sound or seemed to recognize what she had just done and said, very uninspiringly, "oops". I admit it; I did chuckle a little but my hair cutting professional flipped out. All the girls in the shop gathered around this guy and were trying to figure out how to fix the mess this guy was in. "Oh maybe if we just cut it a little shorter around it, maybe it can blend" one of them said. There was no blending this shit in; his head looked like Wee Man's in Jackass 2 when he was attacked with the shears.

Oh, the shame!!

After them scrambling about for 10 minutes and trying to fix him up, I made the suggestion to him, "Dude, just let them shave it off. You could pull it off for a week or so, right?" He laughed an uncomfortable laugh and agreed. So this guy who had come in for a simple haircut and had a decent head of hair walked out with a little less confidence and head that looked like that guy from "Powder". The moral of this story is, you can't judge if your hair stylist's hair looks like it has been run over by a lawn mower with a can of paint stuck in the blade but at least make sure that she's not too high before cutting you up.

Link-O-Rama: All the stuff worth checking out (part 1)

I've recently said on my Facebook page Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething, that I believe it's important to promote other creative people in their endeavors especially if they are locals or up and cummers in the world.  I wanted to create an entire post of nothing but links, pages, and photos of those I admire and wish to promote.  I didn't pick strictly local people though, I picked others outside the realm of my small area of TN.  I picked people in the podcasting world who are working their asses off trying to get recognized.  So here it is, on the anniversary of my blessed birth, my picks for people and things I think you should know. 

Jennifury

Tattoos and lollipops, hooray!!

Jennifury, also known as Jennifer Sexton, is an alternative pin-up model that I happened to go to school with back in the day.  She has modeled for many various magazines and web sites over the past few years and has started her own fan page (which is the link above the picture).  She took a route all of her own and did something that no one else I went to school with did.  She could've been a "traditional" model but really how boring is that?  So she got tatted up, put her name and some photos out there, and became Miss Tattooed Tennessee.  She has done photoshoots for Hott Dame, Paperdoll, Dynamite Dames, Joshua Jordan and many others.  I'm sure I haven't properly covered all of her accomplishments but you can check her out on her fan page for more information.


Epic Superfail

Powerful Epic Superfail

Epic Superfail is the brainchild of Christian Norman/Lead guitar/lead vocals and Graham Jones/Drums,Featuring and Chris "Kirby" on Bass!  This is the bio according to their Facebook page which can be found on the link above the picture.  I think that they are a WAY underappreciated band that not near enough people know about.  They have numerous videos available on www.youtube.com which are all really creative considering limited budget and the crappy location of East Tennessee.  I really respect all that they have done and think that Christian is a really gifted songwriter who has a very charasmatic presence and one of the funniest people I know.  Graham is a guy that I know from way back when in gym class and one of the coolest, chilled out guys in the world.  Check out the videos below and show them some love and support.  To me it would be a shame not to see these guys on a big stage one day.

This is their "professional" video shot by the talented Jacob Boyd for their song "Radar".

This is probably one of my favorite songs by them amongst others plus its a pretty damn funny video.












Backwood Galleries

Backwood Galleries is run by my friend Michel Boatright and her husband Jacob.  According to their page, they "Taking a unique approach to handmade furniture! We custom make anything you can dream up! Each piece is carefully designed, woodburned and hand painted."  I know for a fact that Michel is a extremely creative person.  In school she was always known to be the "artistic" kid and she has carried that on through adulthood.  I love Michel because she is a unique person with an equally unique artistic eye.  I haven't yet purchased any of their homemade furniture but knowing her, and I will vouch for her here, it has to be top notch stuff.  You can also look up some of her other artistic endeavors on her personal page.

Leverton Photography

I go way back with owner/operator/photographer Nicole Leverton.  We practically grew up together through our parents mutual business association.  Nicole is one of the brightest and most thoughtful human beings on this planet.  She has taken many wonderful series of photographs over the past year that I've followed her work.  She has done weddings, parties, families, and babies.  Most recently she has done some wonderful shots of my cousin's new child which are amazing.  To see all of her work I provided a link to her own personal blog and you can see for yourself and afterwords you can check out her Facebook page of the same name.

OwLee Photography

Another talented photographer/friend of mine has her own business as well.  I can't be impartial to her or Nicole so eventually I'll have to let them both take my handsome picture.  You can see Lacey's photographs on the link above and give her page a like while your at it.

Deathsquad Podcast Network

This is a podcast network run by Brian Redban.  No, he's not a local friend of mine but rather a guy whom I really admire for all the content and entertainment he puts out every week.  I first heard him on the Joe Rogan Experience and really liked what he did.  He puts out a number of different shows every week that truly make you feel like you are hanging out with your friends and having a good time.  Each show is a collection of different comics and its them just talking about comedy, life, and experiences.  I listen to these podcasts everyday on my iPod and as a matter of fact right before I went into the hospital recently, I knew that I was going to be stuck there for awhile so I loaded up my iPod with about 40 shows from Deathsquad.  Having something to listen to like that made my weeklong stay a lot more tolerable, like I said it gives you the feeling of hanging out with old friends and I can't recommend it enough.  Not every show he does may be for you but there is such a variety on there that I promise that you can find something that you will be into.

This is just one of the many shows on the Deathsquad network.  This is Your Mom's House with Tom Segura, Christina Paszitsky, and Redban.  Always hilarious and one of my favorites.

Joe Rogan Experience

I put this along the lines of Deathsquad because it's were I first heard of it.  The JRE is also a lot like hanging out with your friends but this is like hanging out with your really smart friends (and that's no slam on Deathsquad).  Joe brings on guests from many different facets of life.  He has had historians, survivalists, mushroom experts, and of course comedians like Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell, Bert Kreischer, and Ari Shaffir.  I never listen to an episode without laughing hysterically and also learning something new.  It brings the best of both worlds out into focus for me. 

This list is far from comprehensive but its a good start on finding new and entertaining things.  If you can I'd like everyone to check out all of these sights and you can find something for yourself.  The only way that creativity can thrive and continue is through support and recognition.  So go forth and enjoy and let me know what you think.  Also if you have a business to support or if you want some promotion for yourself, let me know and I'd be glad to do it anytime.

The Return of Dr. Sleepy and his advice

It’s been a couple of weeks since the last installment of my logical, bullet-proof, advice and I felt that it was time to return.  Oddly enough just when I was starting to think about it, I got three new e-mails asking for my wisdom.  So now in the late night hours, I will respond with well thought out, measured responses to your queries because quite frankly it’s the only peaceful time in the Good Doctor’s household.

Not so subtle, blatant, subliminal sign
that could possibly relate to this problem

I have been dating this girl now for three months.  She is very attractive and we have a lot in common.  In the beginning, everything between us was very passionate but lately she has begun to act like sex is a chore to her.  We went two weeks without sex and then when we did finally have at it she acted like she was “taking one for the team”.  She has no desire for sex now whatsoever.  She explained to me that she becomes apathetic and uninterested in sex or just about anything during the winter.  I don’t want to be the shallow dick that dumps his girlfriend over lack of sex.  I’ve read up about Seasonal Affective Disorder and other possibilities of maybe helping the situation because she is tired all the time.  This has become a fight between us all the time whenever it is brought up.  What do you think I should do at this point? – Anonymous reader (also I shortened the actual message down but I did hit the highlights)

Well that my friend that is quite a vortex of bad shit.   However, I do have some thoughts. You said that its only been 3 months, you are only 25 or 26 (as best as I can tell), and the sex thing is a recent struggle.  First we can look at the 3 months thing.  In the grand scheme of things in relationships and life, 3 months is merely a blink of an eye.  In the first 3 months of any relationship you are supposed to be only seeing the good shit about each other.  You are supposed to never fight, you are supposed to have amazing sex every day, and you both show only all the positive aspects of yourself.  Basically the first 3 months are supposed to be kind of a big lie.  It’s when you both lay the groundwork of future expectations that will never be fulfilled.  It’s usually when you keep all of those embarrassing skeletons hidden in your closet for just a little longer.  For example, when my ex-girlfriend and I had started dating she told me that I was only like the third guy she had been with, we had sex all the time, and she never complained of any of my music or movie choices.  After about 3 or 4 months passed, I learned that I was her 24^th partner, the sexing started to slow down, and she openly bitched about how terrible my music was (we still dug the same movies though).  I didn’t see the signs or actually I did see them but I ignored them, but you have to look at things that change after that 90 day period.  It’s just like most entry-level jobs, you have a 90 day probationary period and if it’s not working out…you get fired.  You need to examine what has changed these last 90 days and then decide if she is worth staying with. 

You did also mention that you thought it might be a hormonal or SAD situation because she is feeling tired all the time and is completely apathetic to everything.  In this case I would suggest that she see a doctor, see if anything is wrong, and get some happy pills.  There’s no shame in that.  If her hormones are jacked up, they can give her a cream or an injection or she can take a few rounds of hormonal pills to balance her out.  If she is depressed or SAD, then they can give her mood stabilizers like Xanax or Prozac and she can perhaps be “happy” again.  The only downside to that is, she still will have a decreased sex drive but at least she’ll be happier. 

Also remember, you are only 25 or 26.  You are young.  You have until at least like 35 before you will be forever alone.  You don’t have to tie yourself down to one option, because at that age, the dating pool is a vast wilderness full of different women and you are a hunter with enough ammo to last you until you are 35.  So go out there and hunt until you find the right thing…and then shoot it and take it home. 

I hope this helped, and if it didn’t I hope it at least gave you some things to think about.

Sleepy, I’ve been talking on and off with this girl for several months now.  At times we’ve been serious and other times extremely casual.  Over the past couple of months it has slowed down to just the occasional phone call but then the other day we saw each other.  We hung out, we made out, we talked, had a good time, and then went our separate ways.  I don’t know how I feel about her yet.  I told her that I would call her but now that we actually saw each other again I don’t know what to do.  There’s nothing actually wrong with her but I just don’t know what I want.   I still have yet to call her.– Anonymous guy

Ok, this one is relatively simple in comparison to the guy before you.  If you have talked on and off for an extended amount of time, saw each other occasionally, and then after a long hiatus you all hung out and enjoyed each other, then I see that it should go one of two ways. 

1.)  You call her, say “Hey, I had fun the other night.  We should get together again” and let it flow from there.  Give it a whirl, see what happens.  Maybe nothing will happen, maybe it will suck and you’ll say “Dammit, why did I listen to that Sleepy Dusty guy?  Who the hell calls themselves “Sleepy” anyway?  Screw that asshole and his advice.”  Or maybe you’ll say, “Thank God, I listened to Dusty.  This is fantastic.  She is everything I’ve wanted in a girl and more.  I’m so happy and I owe it all to Dusty!!!”

2.)  You call her and say, “I’ve thought about it and I just don’t know what I want in life right now.  I don’t want to drag you along, so it was nice hanging with you but like the great Robert Plant said ‘I’ve gotta ramble on, baby” and be done with it.

Either way, you can’t leave her hanging.  It’s bad karma.  Conversations that go like the second one can be uncomfortable but they are necessary.  I’ve done the “no-calling-back” thing in the past and it has bitten me in the ass every time, I ended up with a weird stalker thing.

Ok so this column ran a little long, so I will get to the other question and future questions on the next one.  I’ll have it out maybe in a couple of days as a “bonus”.

Also please remember to share this blog with others, and you can go to my Facebook page here and like it to keep up to date with all of my weirdness.  If you have any of your own “love” or otherwise questions you can message me on my Facebook page or send me an e-mail to dustyelliott95@yahoo.com.

The "Unwritten" Rules to Run for Politcal Office

It doesn't matter, mythical creatures
never get elected.

Rules to Run for Political Office

There are many accepted norms and expectations we have for the fine, upstanding citizens that run for political office like; lower taxes, create jobs, better education, love gay people (Democratic nominees only), oppose gay people (GOP nominees only), and other basic principles but often overlooked are the unspoken rules.  This year as I’ve watched all of the GOP madness, I have seen so many of these unspoken rules broken or simply discarded.  I wanted to offer my assistance and finally put in print three of the principal rules amongst the many that have to be followed in order to get in.

1.       Disguise your hate speech!!

I know that this sounds like pure common sense but many of these politicos simply have brain farts and blab out crazy things like “gays are trying to steal Christmas” or “slavery kept black families together” or referring to the sitting president as a “tar baby”.  If one wants to run for office in this day and time they cannot be so overtly racist, they have to have the “subtlety of racism” as Jimmy Carter described Newt Gingrich when he made reference to our “food stamp president” and all of the “welfare mommas” out there.  Although to me, Jimmy, that doesn’t sound all that subtle.  Or you could make the ultimate mistake, you could say such outlandish, overt, over-the-top crazy homophobic statements like Rick Santorum and forever have your name associated with lube and fecal matter (http://spreadingsantorum.com/ check it out if you don’t know what I’m talking about).  If you use to much of this rhetoric you are going to wind up like Bachmann and Perry, you will have to drop out because you’ve made it too obvious.  Sure they are fine with their actual views, but they sure wish they’d find a way not to make it a little more subtle.

2.       Take care of your mistresses!!

This rule used to be at the forefront of our politicians’ and public figures’ agendas.  John F. Kennedy knew how to keep the ladies quiet and satisfied.  You didn’t see every cocktail waitress that gave him a handy run to the press or file a lawsuit.  No, politicians of the old era knew that keeping their affairs quiet and private so of the upmost importance.  Abraham Lincoln knew that he couldn’t go prancing about the streets of Washington with his boy-toys, he kept it on the hush and his male companions knew the score too.  Now?  They have all forgotten this rule.  I think it probably started with Clinton forgetting to call Monica back; a woman doesn’t like to be ignored.  A woman scorned is just as dangerous as a politician with a bad idea.  Herman Cain’s downfall was his love of the ladies and his complete inability to keep them quiet.  Cain went about it all wrong, he was trying to force girls’ heads into his lap and shove his hand up their skirts.  Herman, women don’t like that.  Of course they are going to talk if you do pull some rapist moves like that.  But let’s say that you want to run for office and you are having a non-rapist like sexual affair with a woman or man that you are not married to; what do you do then?  How do you keep them quiet?  I’ll tell you.  Don’t make them any promises that you can’t uphold, tell them upfront what the affair really is, explain the need for discretion, and if they are not okay with any of that, well, you’ll have to kill them.  Or maybe you could just not have the affair.  Either one will work.

3.       Take the skeletons out of the closet and bury them.

I know, this seems obvious too but these new politicians seem to forget it.  Not only are they forgetting to bury their skeletons, some actually flaunt them.  My favorite example of this phenomenon this season was Michele Bachmann and her husband.  Michele not only forgot to hide her obvious self-hating homosexual husband but actually flaunted him around as one of her political strategists.  (http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/06/29/257646/bachmanns-husband-calls-homosexuals-barbarians-who-need-to-be-educated-and-disciplined/?mobile=nc)  It’s really not a problem of him being gay; it’s the part where he is a doctor with a clinic dedicated to rehabilitating barbaric gays into respectable hetero heroes.  Instead of flaunting him around and putting him at the forefront of her campaign, she should have sent him on a yearlong vacation to Thailand with a ladyboy and denied his existence.  Rick Perry forgot to literally bury that “Niggerhead” rock on his hunting ranch.  He said he painted over it, but that is one of the skeletons that could have easily been buried or blown up.  As a politician, one has to learn that all the embarrassing things of one’s past must be hidden and if it is still discovered try to come up with a better story than “I painted over it”. 

Of course there are other's like:  Don't forget to lie but wrap it with truth, Make Big Promises that you can never back up, and many others.

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Be Cool Day....The New National Holiday

The New Year is always believed to be a time of renewal, of good feelings, and of fresh starts.  That, at least, is the belief and hope of us all.  I’m not sure what makes us think that the arbitrary changing of numbers on a calendar is going to make a difference but we do.  I always want each year to make some giant change or difference in the world but when it comes down to it I don’t take the necessary steps to do anything and rather I find myself sitting idly by and watching the world change around me.  This past year I finally took a step to change my own reality and I’m happy that I did.  I started writing and publishing my thoughts and ideas.  Sure, it’s on a small scale but that doesn’t matter, a tsunami can start with a mere ripple in the water.  This year I want to do something else while I continue my writing venture and see where it takes me.  I want to start a movement for everyone to do something so simple yet so important.  The idea came to me and initially it sounded like a dumb hippy move that sounded ridiculous but then I thought about it.  I wanted to have a day where everyone just drops their boundaries, drops their preconceived notions, drops their animosity, and just decides to be cool to one another.

I know what you are probably thinking, “Well, duh, of course we should all be cool to one another.  I do that anyway” or “Dusty, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”   Well, that’s kind of what I thought initially too.  When I say that everyone should be cool, I mean everyone.  In particular, I want people that normally don’t get a long or people that disagree to get along starting with just a day.  I’d love to see someone like Rick Santorum give a hug to Clay Aiken.  I’d love to see the current Imperial Wizard of the KKK give a friendly handshake with a Muslim.  It would warm my heart to see Newt Gingrich and Barack Obama dance a jig together to The Gourd’s cover of “Gin and Juice”.  But you see all of that is on a large, public scale and nothing ever goes to the top without starting at the bottom.  A movement of people being cool to one another, even just for a day, would have to start small.  It would mean two ex-friends that haven’t spoken to one another in 5 years to call each other up and say, “Hey old friend.  How are you?”  It would take the restraint of the normally impatient businessman waiting in line at the Starbucks behind the indecisive teenage girl to simply say, “It’s okay, take your time.”  It would start with the mother and daughter who’ve lived in constant strife with one another throughout their entire co-existence to shut up and give each other a hug.  Any change of view or behavior always starts off small.

You might be thinking, “Why?”  Well the way I see it is that we’ve all become too involved and too self-centered with ourselves.  We seem to always be looking at the wrong that someone else is doing and not looking at our own.  So much energy is spent on being negative to one another, just look at the current GOP race.  Each candidate is spending untold energy, money, and resources on bashing and bad mouthing the others.  Aren’t they all supposed to be on the same team?  Shouldn’t they be more concerned with making this country and this world a better place and put aside their own selfish wants?   Look at the whole Occupy Wall Street movement.  The uber-rich stomping on the mediocre and poor.  Men in $10,000 suits making decisions that could crush those who make $30,000 per year.  Wouldn’t it be great to see these banker’s giving back and getting rid of these ridiculous loan rates?  Look at people like Perez Hilton who is seemingly always involved in some sort of celebrity feud where it boils down to him making fun of some attribute of the celebrity.  Entire TV shows and magazines are functioning solely on finding and reporting bitchy little insignificant things about pseudo-celebrities.  People build entire careers on being assholes.  Yeah, sometimes it’s funny and yes, I am guilty of it myself at many times in my life but what would happen if it could all change for a day?

Nothing much would happen if this happened on one random day, but what if it extended into another day and then a week, a month, a year, or a lifetime?  If on this random day of being cool to one another, we could take an inventory of ourselves, see what others see in us, what would we find?  Would you be happy with others perception of you?  Would you be proud of your actions?  Would you reconsider how you treat your friends, your family, or your fellow human beings?  I think a lot of people would.  I believe that a lot could change.  As a society, right now, we have never been as close yet so far apart from each other.  Things like the internet and social media keep us all wired to information and one another but yet so many people allow themselves to be separated by their different ideologies.  I try not to isolate myself from people with different ideas and beliefs.  I’m friends with Christians, Atheists, Gays, Transgenders, Republicans, and Democrats.  I figure that it is best to learn all I can from people different than myself.  I don’t want to limit my own personal education with small minded bigotry.  I may not agree with everyone’s beliefs but I can listen.  My problem comes in when those beliefs or ideas are used to hurt others or when people stand behind their own hypocrisy without blinking and eye.  I think we should all make a concentrated effort to be cool with someone we would normally be disgusted with.

It’s a hard concept to truly wrap your mind around even if it does sound simplistic.  Imagine that you are at Wal Mart, you have 3 items total in your buggy, every cashier is lined up, and out of the corner of your eye you see a new line open up.  You start to rush to it and from the opposite direction a woman with her 4 screaming kids come barreling in front of you with a cart that could potentially break down a semi-truck.  Your normal impulses would say to you, “Oh come on, I’ve only got 3 items.  Can’t you let me go…bitch”  But on my national day of coolness, you resist that urge, you smile and nod to the woman as she proceeds to take the next 30 minutes of your life while checking out.  It would be hard to do right?  But that’s part of it, it would be nice to see people putting aside small things and that could eventually lead to bigger conflicts being put aside.  Just think if you’re random act of kindness or non-bitchiness could lead to Israel and Palestine coming together for square dance party. 

So here is what I’m asking of anyone who reads this:  On January 13^th 2012, (yes that is Friday the 13^th) put aside your petty issues and anger with others and go out of your way to be cool to them because I officially declare January 13^th “Be Cool Day”.  Take a moment to learn something about someone completely different than you without the preconceived notions.  If you are a Christian, take a moment to talk to an Atheist.  You don’t have to change your ideology, but at least you can gain a perspective.  If you are a homophobe, get to know a gay dude.  Maybe you’ll figure out that it doesn’t matter who sleeps with who and that love is love.  If you’re a racist, hang out with a black or Hispanic or whatever-race-you-hate-dude.  Perhaps you’ll see that all of those prejudices you had were wrong.  When the soccer mom veers over into your lane with her minivan and nearly runs you off the road, just smile and wave.  I guess when it comes down to it, I’m just tired of seeing so many people hating each other over having different views or arguing over petty things that clearly don’t matter or people throwing each other under the bus to save their own ass.  Be cool to others at least for a day, see what happens.  And remember the only way that this gets anywhere is if you share the word and show your coolness.