Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Duh, Duh, Da, Duh Dora: Breaking it down as an adult

I thought it was all over.  I thought I would never have to do it or see it again.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I’ve had to reintroduce one of the worst soul-sucking, mind melting, and heart destroying elements of American culture back into my life…Nick Jr.  For those fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with what Nick Jr. is let me give a brief description for you.  Nick Jr. is a vortex of talentless “writers” and “creators” that couldn’t hack it in the real entertainment industry where they can display their sad attempt at cartoons/kids entertainment.  Nick Jr. is aimed towards the ages of 0 to 3 years.  They have shows that include giant elephant abortions such as Dora the Explorer, Wow Wow Wubbzy, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Down’s syndrome Hyper Monkey Squad.  Ok, everything except the monkey show but I’m waiting on it to show up any day.  I thought once my now 4 year old discovered better more mature entertainment a year and a half ago that I would never have to watch this channel again.  I was relieved but wrong. 

I recently started watching my sister’s kids part time to help supplement some income.  I’ve affectionately dubbed our home daycare, “The Bearded Nanny”.  I don’t mind the kids so much except the crying, the diapers, and the poop art but I hate their TV viewing decisions more than any of that.  The 2 year old loves and I do mean loves all things Nick Jr.  Obviously she has no taste, because as she devoured her own boogers she happily watched an episode of “Dora the Explorer”.  To give you an idea of how ridiculous the show is I’m going to describe the entire episode in adult language.

Dora, a young precocious girl of an undetermined age, is venturing across the vast jungle/desert/carnival field with her talking monkey friend who wears red boots.  Dora has daily missions that are assigned to her from her various talking animal friends.  There is no sign of Dora’s parents anywhere.  Dora’s talking monkey friend, Boots, has decided that he wants to see his father because Dora was kind enough to dub the day, “Boot’s Special Day”.  We are reminded of this new holiday every 10 to 15 seconds as the talking monkey repeats the notion of his special day.  I’m not sure why Boots and his father are estranged but I’m sure as the episode progresses we may gain some insight to the situation. 

They start their journey in the middle of what appears to be a random field with a few sparse trees and grass.  Neither Dora nor Boots knows exactly where to find Boots’ father but luckily Dora has a magical talking map that jumps out of her magical talking backpack that can locate anyone or anything in the world only if you ask for it three times.  After Dora and Boots request the presence of the map three times, he jumps out of the backpack and sings a song.  The song is there to introduce you to him in case you missed the part of them repeatedly asking for him and the fact that he looks like a map with eyes and a mouth.  It is a simple song where he repeats his name over and over.  Through his advanced GPS technology, the map is able to locate Boots’ estranged father working in a carnival.  It is clear that there is an easier way of going around to get to the carnival but the map instructs them that they must travel through a jungle, past a desert, and magically back to a random field which is holding the carnival.  Dora and Boots follow the map’s odd directions, completely ignoring the easy route of simply going around all of these obstacles, without question.  To ensure that the directions are burned into their minds, the map makes sure to repeat the directions 3 times (he has a thing about the number 3). 

As Dora and her talking monkey friend begin their journey it is a beautiful ideal day with the sun shining brightly, a perfect day to find one’s estranged father if you ask me.  Dora decides that they should collect some special stars to guide them upon their way…in the middle of the afternoon.  As they trudge along they are able to capture 5 stars and trap them into her magical backpack.  The stars, which can also talk and appear to have minds of their own, willingly jump into the back pack without protest.  The first obstacle that befalls Dora and Boots is the thick jungle.  Dora curiously questions aloud to know one in particular, “Which path do you think will get us through the jungle?”  She waits about 4 seconds in silence and agrees with whatever the voice in her head told her and takes the path that is obviously not blocked with fallen trees.  As they trudge through the clear jungle path they come across a baby jaguar and its friend Diego.  We find out that Diego and Dora know each other and are probably related because Diego looks just like Dora in a different outfit and shorter hair.  Diego agrees to help Dora and the talking monkey through the rest of the jungle with the help of his own magical backpack.  Diego’s backpack doesn’t talk like Dora’s does but it does have the ability to turn into anything in the world.  Diego, like Dora, ponders aloud the question of “Which of these will help us get through the jungle?”  The choices presented for the invisible internal voice are a boat, a four-wheeler, or bobsled.  I’m not sure why Diego has to ask which one will work the best because it seems obvious that one could not bobsled through the trees nor could one paddle through the dirt.  Alas, Diego waits the standard 4 count moment of silence and figures out that the four-wheeler will be the obvious choice.  Diego helps Dora and Boots on to the four-wheeler which for some reason is equipped with seat belts (it must be some new or modified model or perhaps the magical backpack made it so).  The lazy Dora and Boots ride for what seems to be roughly 100 feet to the edge of the jungle to another grassy field and abandon the four-wheeler.  I find this rude not to return the four-wheeler back to Diego but I’m sure he could simply walk the extra 100 feet and get it himself.

Once they reach this new grassy field they are greeted by a Spanish speaking mole/mouse figure who seems troubled by something because he’s frantically yelling something in Spanish and waving his arms in the air.  Luckily Dora speaks Spanish and communicates with him.  It seems that the mole/mouse has lost his kite and expects Dora and the monkey to find it for him.  We are reminded that today is “Boots’ Special Day” and that the monkey needs to find his father to complete the specialness of it.  He is implying that there is not enough time to get this kite but Dora urges Boots to climb the tree where the kite is stuck so they can move along.  For his efforts, Dora gives Boots a banana.  The mole/mouse seems thankful because he says “gracias” (which through Mr. Bowden’s Spanish class, I am able to decipher that this means “thanks”).  Dora tells the mole/mouse that they have just braved their way through the jungle and are now in search of the desert.  The mole/mouse is not much help and points off into a general direction of a snow covered mountain next to a desert.  Once again Dora implores aloud, “Do you see which way the desert is?”  Apparently her internal voice tells her that obviously the path that leads to a bunch of sand is the way to go. 

Dora and her talking monkey friend with a special day make it through the desert obstacle course without much hassle.  They do, however, find it fun to let the stars out to help them count how many cactuses they see.  The stars are temporarily free of Dora’s magical backpack but once they are done counting the cactuses they fly right back into it rather than making a run for outer space.  We find that there are 8 cactuses in the entire desert which could be useful if you are ever traveling through and need to drink some of the sweet watery mescal that cactuses produce. 

As they approach the end of the desert, we can see the carnival off in the distance in a plush, grassy, green field.  Once again, Dora patronizes her monkey friend with a banana for his efforts of crossing the desert and counting cactuses.  When they hit the grass, Dora and Boots come upon an octopus playing with eight yo-yos.  It is never questioned as to why this aquatic animal is at the edge of the desert and a grassy field with no ocean in sight nor is it questioned as to why he is playing with 8 yo-yos.  As the octopus is offering Boots a brand new yo-yo for his “special” day, we hear a “swish, swish” sound.  The swish sound is obviously the indicator that something is awry in Dora’s fantasy land.  She warns no one in particular that it must be Swiper the Fox.  Swiper, as it is explained to us, is a sneaky, thieving fox who steals for no reason.  The viewer will also be able to tell that Swiper is evil because he wears a mask that only covers his eye.  Boots and the dry land octopus are keenly aware of the circumstances and hold all of their possessions close to their bodies.  Swiper appears out of the bushes and lunges towards the octopus from behind and steals a yo-yo.  Everyone is devastated and demand the prompt return of the stolen yo-yo.  The viewer is left to think that the fox will not go down without a fight but Dora shouts an incantation of “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping” and renders the fox powerless as he is forced to hand over the stolen yo-yo to the octopus.  The octopus actually thanks the thief for returning his property and doesn’t even turn him into the authorities and is thus allowed to continue his stealing ways unpunished.  Since the octopus has been reminded 3 times that today is “Boots’ Special Day” he offers the monkey his first non-banana present of the day.  Boots gets a yo-yo which makes him break out into happy hysterics of screeching and acting like the monkey he is.  Dora quietly enjoys watching the talking monkey revert back to his natural animal self for a moment.

After receiving the yo-yo, Boots sees that his father is working away as a rollercoaster operator at the carnival.  He runs to his father in excitement, hugs him hard, and offers him a banana.  The estranged father seems oddly happy to see the son that he had abandoned and as a consolation for his absence he offers Boots a free ride on the rollercoaster that he operates.  It is probably out of guilt that he does this because Boots, as he has done all day when he meets someone, tells his father that today is his “special” day.  When they all got onto the loan rollercoaster car I wondered who would operate the rollercoaster since the father was along for the ride.  I didn’t have the foresight to see that the car that they were in would be a magical Spanish speaking car that could only be operated by shouting Spanish words at it.  After a short 5 second ride on the coaster, they all hooped off and had an impromptu singing and dancing party in celebration of this special day.

Now if you were able to read that whole story, aren’t you amazed at what cartoons are teaching our children?  A child and her talking monkey can go wondering about without any supervision through jungles and deserts.  It is okay to talk to strangers and accept gifts from them.  Stopping a thief is as easy as telling them to “stop” and there will be no repercussions for breaking the law.  And it’s easy to reconcile your parent’s abandonment with a banana and a rollercoaster ride.  Dangerous lessons indeed.  But I guess that is why Dora’s theme song goes along so well with the horrible themes of this show, “Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.  Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.” 
Maybe next time we can talk about Wubbzy's message of being a useless lazy member of society and how it makes you cool.

Friday, April 13, 2012

E-mails from an Unhappy Angry Woman

Probably the picture that warranted me the most threats
Go check it out, most of them are still there.
Those of you who follow my Facebook page, Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething, may have noticed that in the past month that I've spent a lot of that time upsetting a lot of people.  I had an idea to take publicly available pictures from various local websites and add some of my own captions to them.  It's not hard to find some pretty embarrassing pictures of people from the Tri-Cities, I won't give up my sources but it's not hard to figure out.  I recieved a lot of interesting comments and messages over it varying from "get my sister off your page" or "that's my fiance" or my favorite "Well I guess that makes me a celebrity."  One gentleman even invited me to his "hood" and offered to stomp my ass into the ground and slit my throat.  I respectfully declined his offer. 

I just like making people happy
Most of this was done in a public manner through the comments section but one person decided to personally message me.  I had posted a fairly popular picture of a woman hiking her leg up perfectly vertical with a skirt on with her child in the background looking on in curiosity.  The first time I posted it I didn't blur the faces out and I was contacted and told to remove it.  I did as I was asked and removed it, blurred the faces, and put it right back up.  Which then prompted this series of wonderful correspondences between myself and this anonymous woman.  I only thought it fair to share these e-mails so everyone else could enjoy them as much as I did. 

(Note:  These are completely unaltered except for the removal of her name.  Everything else is 100% verbatim)

Unhappy Angry Woman
I told I once to take my pic down I have spook with the autortys of this
i have contacted facebook and the autortys over this because you have done this more than once to me ur page will be shut down ur smartest thing would be to take it down or i will go forward with leagl actions agenct you do you understand that my lawer has already looked at it and it is harssment and my child is in the back ground of it you have know right putting pics that you had no way of getting on here.

Grumpy: 
Ms. *****, the faces of whoever these pics are of are clearly blurred out. The pic is clearly for the purpose of humor and there is no harm being done here. There is no malice. Also, if this is you, no one would know until you identified yourself on the page. Pictures like this fall under the parody/satire laws. There is no wrong doing in the picture being posted. If there is a problem with me using a picture like this then sites such as People of Walmart, Humorgasms, WTFTattoos, and other similar sites would be shut down. It would probably be easier and better if you could just laugh at it for what it is. It's a funny picture/scenario with TWO blurred out faces and no names attatched to it. I really find it difficult to comprehend why this picture upsets you. People send me funny pictures, stories, and e-mails all the time and this was no different. I'm sorry that you do not find humor in a humorous situation. I would hope that if there was a funny picture of me out there on the internet that people would share it and find joy in it. As a matter of fact, I welcome you to take any picture you find of me and do with it as you please. There are plenty to choose from and it is my gesture of good will to you or anyone else. If you choose not to find joy in it or take me up on my offer, then I urge you to start your own page perhaps demanding the removal of all humorous websites that use photos of non-celebrities in funny situations.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
i dont care i know it is me and my child and really i dont care of any off the other websites on here i know that this is me and i dont want it on someones page the point is it needs to come down i know alot of people that looks at your page and this was a halloween party that somepeople in my family did not come too and i do not want them to see this it is my body and my kids i would really like you to take it down find someone else to pick on this could cause a lot of prom, in my family bye doing this please take it down i have already deleted on facebook because of you doing it once befor please
and another thing is it was funny at the time for the people that was here when that was going on but it anit funny when you see it on someone else page it dose kind of hurt and i really dont need this stuff going on in my life it cause a lot of drama with family
if it did not have my kid in the back ground i would not be as upset with it but i do not like the pic and it makes me look like a whore when i have been married for 11 years if my husband seen this he would be pissed and i would not here the end of it i really hope you understand my point of veiw with this just please take it down

just please find someones else pics to mess with leave my out of it please

you know it is bad when you have a 10 year old and a 8 year old thats wants to get up and go to church on easter moring and yet i have to set up hafe the nite trying to get a pic on a web site that shopuld have neve been put up there in the 1st place you know you need too tell god ur sorry for keeping me up all nite


Grumpy: 
I assure you that no harm was intended in the posting of this picture. I would never pick on an individual in a public manner like this. If there are certain people that you would like me to block from seeing this picture (family, friends, or whoever) I would gladly do so. Please understand that I'm not intending on being rude and that is why the faces were blurred out. I made sure that there was nothing identifying anyone in this picture as I am acutely aware that a lot of local people look at this page and even people as far as California. Other faces in other pictures are not blurred because they were already public pictures available for anyone to see, but this particular picture was sent to me from another person. The person told me that I could use it as I saw fit. The initial picture didn't have the faces blurred out and was promptly taken down. I apologize for any hurt that people may have thrown on you, they are silly, humorless sad people.
I'll consult myself on taking the picture down.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
please because there is alot of people that comes to my house and knows that is my house and know that is me and who sent the pic to you

Grumpy
I'll make a deal with you. I'll take it down if I can publish our e-mail exchanges. I will remove your name and picture and no one will have to know it is you. I think it would make for an amusing scenario. Sorry about whoever alerted you to the picture and that you are up so late, God is okay with it. How about it?

Unhappy Angry Woman
really i dont want nothing to do with you website and how do i know that you will just block my pic and name from me seeing it no i would rather not but i will make a deal with you i do have so reall good pics from when i was in high school of somepeople that is on your page i will send you in the next few days you will have to let me dig them out
just tell me who sent the pic to you of me

And then I fell asleep for awhile because it was indeed late, I didn't respond to her for the next 12 hours until I got this. 

Unhappy Angry Woman
u tank the pic down now and dont show my face or email and u can post the emails but if i find my face or my name back up here or get a call from a friend i will contact my lawer
well name 
i ask u to take it down now the next time you here from me will be in court
unless you take it down now no posting the emails we have snt too each other i was going to be nice about it but u could not do anything that was right i have made a copy of the emails we have sent and i have sent them to my lawer in email

Grumpy: 
You are getting pretty snippy, I will take it down for now because I don't like threats. Wouldn't a court find it funny that you were willing to throw your friends under the bus to get your picture off of here? Anyway, I'll take it down from the page. You are now free to get your panties out of a bunch.

Unhappy Angry Woman: 
i never said that they was my friends and thank you very much
  • you dont know how much better i fill for you saying that and just to let you know i will send you some pics i think you will like that are really funny can you do youtube on ur page i will help you with pics and keep your web page being funny just for doing the right thing

  • and just to let you know i dont have any friends but one that i trust the rest of them are crap friend dont trun there back on you when something gose bad and friends dont make fun of you



  • Grumpy:  Dearest Ms. *****, you have provided me with much entertainment.  I appreciate your candor and threats.  But now I must really stop our correspondence because my eyes hurt, please rest assured that I will not name you nor use your face in any picture.  You will remain a mystery, but make sure to subscribe to my page and see if you can get upset over anything else in the future.  I feel we haven't spoke for the last time.

    I haven't heard anything from her since because I did take down the picture for the time being.  Everything else is completely public if you want to check out the other awesome people who hate me. 

    Monday, April 9, 2012

    "Save the Cocks" by guest writer Anonymous PETA member

    Once again I've been approached by another controversial figure wanting to put their message out on my blog.  I didn't want to do it at first but after the success and outpouring of support shown to Mr. Santorum from his guest column, I knew that I had to do the right thing.  I have had my issues with PETA in the past but when they offered me a set of Pamela Anderson's discarded silicone breast implants autographed by Ms. Anderson herself, I couldn't refuse.  The PETA member did not want to be publicly identified for fear of retaliation from chicken farmers and the Vatican assassins, so she opted to be anonymous and said that she speaks for all of PETA.  So here you go, PETA's plea against Easter.


    Baby Chicken Holocaust Suvivor
    We all know about the Holocaust and the massacre of the Jews in Germany in the 1940’s.  We have heard of the Armenian Genocide of 1915.  We have learned a lot lately of the child soldiers, murders, and rapes in parts of Africa led by people like Kony, General Butt Naked, and Charles Taylor.  All of these are marked as atrocities and are talked about in school and in social media but we are ignoring one of the biggest massacres in the world that happens once every year in the Spring.  I’m talking about the systematic extermination of billions of baby chickens for the amusement of children in this tradition known as Easter.  We here at PETA are appalled at the violence that we see spread out across the United States on this so called sacred holiday.  You may see a colorfully decorated egg that you’ve hidden for your child amongst the bushes but we see a hard boiled chicken abortion covered in graffiti being hunted by a chubby fingered demon. 

    I have sat in my studio apartment today crying with sadness and anger just thinking about all of the chickens who will never have a chance at life.  Chickens have become to America what Jews where to Hitler.  The corporations are committing mass genocide of these beautiful, sweet, soft feathered friends every day and everyone sits back and watches.  There is no action being taken.  Well, thank Buddha & Krishna for PETA because we are the voice of the voiceless chickens.  We will unite and fight as we always do.  We will fight to “Save the Cocks”.  We will be sending our youngest, barely legal, beautiful women onto the most crowded streets in Los Angeles and New York carrying our message emblazoned onto their naked painted bodies.  We will rally in front of many microphones to any news organization that will listen.  Michael Stipe and Dave Navarro have agreed to collaborate on a PETA charity single entitled “Save the Cocks (for everyone)” and will perform at each rally.  Pamela Anderson and Khloe Kardashian have already agreed to do the photo/print campaign in which they will both appear nude while petting a large rooster. 

    PETA will not stop there.  We know no boundaries.  We will not be silenced.  We are in the process of filing a lawsuit against the Pope, the Catholic Church, and all of Christianity to stop this barbaric ritual.  They started it.  They are the ones who set the wheels in motion when they set out to assist in the annihilation of our feathered friends by attacking their unborn chicken children.  We are demanding that not only will the practice of boiling and coloring eggs be banned but that the Easter holiday be replaced and renamed to honor the memory of the billions of sacrificed baby chickens.  We want Easter to be renamed Memorial Baby Chicken Genocide Holocaust Remembrance Day so that every year we can set aside a day to cry and mourn the countless chicken miscarriages that have been carried out in years past. 

    If you haven’t already, please join our cause.  We need your support, and by support I mean donations, and by donations I mean your money.  All that we ask is that you donate a small $100K per year.  Every $100K counts, don’t think that your $100K won’t help.  We need that money to recruit young impressionable pretty girls at local liberal arts colleges who are willing to parade around naked in front of strangers with cameras.  We need that money to plaster our ads in every magazine, newspaper, and on-line blog within human site.  We need that money to pay our salaries, it’s expensive being a picky vegan.  We assure you that we will use at least 30% of every dollar donated to our cause to establish our Tofu manufacturing company, Tofu-ku.  But the 2nd most important thing you can do today is remember to share this story, to spread PETA’s message of chicken love.  Knowledge is power.  Let the world know that neither you nor PETA will stand behind this yearly slaughter and shout out the rallying cry, “SAVE THE COCKS!!!”