Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Horrible Pick Up Lines from a Desperate Man

When I was younger I had a friend we will call "Clark" and he had a theory that he worked on almost daily.  Every time we went out in our group it was a given that we would hear sounds of disgust from some of the women at the bar or party or even the mall that we were at.  It wasn't (necessarily) because of our looks but rather from the horrible, explicit, and plain pathetic pickup lines utilizied by Clark.  You see Clark's theory was that you didn't have to be clever, handsome, or charming to get a woman into bed.  No, it was purely a numbers game to him.  He figured that he could say whatever he wanted to a prospective female and yeah a lot of the time he would fail but eventually some girl would fall for him.  A terrible theory, I know, but he practiced it without shame every time.  I was thinking and laughing about his numerous failed attempts earlier and I thought it would be funny to compile a list of his "pick up" lines for entertainment purposes and possibly a cautionary How-Not-To guide.  Warning to sensitive people explicit language follows because editing it loses the impact.
1. "Nice shoes.  Wanna fuck?" - said to a girl wearing go-go boots at the Planet
2.  "Girl, you sure know how to make me hard". - said to an off duty stripper we saw at a party once
3. "Baby, baby you need to come back to my mom's house tonight." - said to an 40 something woman at the lake
4.  "Girl, you've got the most beautiful eyes" - said to too many women to count.  What made it funny was that it was usually said to a girl weariing either sunglasses or in a badly lit bar.
5.  "Baby, I bet its been awhile since you've had some good pipe laid to you" - said to a very heavy set girl sitting alone at the Sophisticated Otter.  He was considerate enough to tell her that they would have to do it at the bar since he rode his motorcycle.
6.  "Girl, I'm just like Burger King, You can have me YOUR way!" - said to an actual on duty cashier at Burger King as he was trying to "seduce" her away from her job.
7.  "How much do you think your tits weigh?" - to a well endowed girl at the Planet
8.  "I got my red wings" - said after a female tried to put him off by saying she was on her period
9.  "If I can't get you, what about one of your friends" - another popular one used when he approached a group.  He figured it was easier this way.
10.  "Which one of you wants some of this (pointing towards his groin)"  - also said to groups of females
11.  "Would you stay with me, I'm drunk and don't want anyone to take advantage of me." - said at one of my parties Senior year
These were just some of the good ones I could remember.  A lot of the time women would just start migrating away from him when he arrived if they already knew him.  I cannot think of ever meeting a woman who admitted to sleeping with him.  He always had stories of girls that he took home but oddly enough he never picked them up if any of us were around.  He later stated that we were obviously bad luck.

No comments:

Post a Comment