Thursday, August 22, 2013

So My Wife Wanted Me to Make Her a "Period Playlist"

Recently my wife was watching the Ashton Kutcher/Natalie Portman movie "No Strings Attached" and was in love with the idea that at one point during the movie Kutcher's character makes Portman a mixed CD for her and her friends when they were on their period.  Although I think the movie itself is fairly terrible, I liked the idea but felt that Kutcher's songs were lacking.  Yes, they were clever titles such as U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" and Frank Sinatra's "Life on a String" but I didn't feel that they quite captured the feelings of anger and resentment women display when they are shedding their uterine linings for nearly a solid week.  So my wife asked me, "Why don't you do something like that for me?  I'm special too."  I don't actually think she was serious but seeing that I am currently living in the emotional-rollercoaster-hell that is a woman's period I thought it would be a decent escape to put one together of my own choosing.

1. Chevelle "The Red"


Just change the male pronouns to female pronouns in this song and this is my perception of most women on their period (and for the record by "most women", I mean the two women I've lived with as an adult).

So lay down, the threat is real
When his (her) sight goes red again

This chorus details quite simply how I feel when I see my wife get mad while experiencing her own personal shark week in her pants.  I want to find the closest concealed dark corner of the house, assume the fetal position, and wait until it's over.

2.  L7 - "Shit List"


Through my extensive experience in living with a female for the past 12 or so odd years, I've taken notice that during the week of pelvic blood and thunder, the female species seems more apt to not only get generally angry but they tend to get more specifically angry.  I've seen my wife get emotionally enraged at people for very trivial things like the way someone looks at them or something that may have been done two months beforehand.  It doesn't matter.  It is easy for a menstruating woman to feel slighted.  During those 5-7 days a month, I really feel like she is writing out her own personal shit list of people who are pissing her off.

3.  Queens of the Stone Age - "Go with the Flow"


Yes it is a slight play on words for the whole "Aunt Flow" thing and the light/heavy flow descriptions on Tampons (which by the way, I find disgusting.  Can they not think of some other way to describe their bleeding?   Like "Lock the Gates" to "Eh, not so bad".  It's just a thought.)  However the song is quite apropos to a woman's emotions during leaky week.

She said "I'll throw myself away,
They're just photos afterall."
I can't make you hang around
I can't wash you off my skin
....
I can go with the flow, 
but don't say it doesn't matter anymore

Joshua Homme, lead singer/writer, has obviously dealt with the wrath.  You can't write lyrics like that without some experience.

4.  Meredith Brooks - "Bitch"


Here it is for the playlist, it speaks for itself.  I'm not going to touch on it beyond that.

5.  Alanis Morissette - "Uninvited"



This is more of a song for the guys.  "Why would an Alanis Morissette song be for the guys?" you might be asking.  Well because when your lady is riding the winged cotton dragon, chances are that your invitation to her lady garden has probably been temporarily revoked.  

So these are the top five but the list doesn't have to stop here.  You can take my suggestions and make that special lady in your life a little playlist for her mp3 player and watch her heart melt in your thoughtfulness.  Here are a few more suggestions if you'd like:

The Doors - Peace Frog (Blood in the Streets) 
AC/DC - If You Want Blood (You Got It)
Slayer - Raining Blood
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Alice Cooper - Only Women Bleed
Rolling Stones - Let it Bleed
Porno for Pyros - Blood Rag


You get the point.  Now go make that playlist guys and take cover.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Kingsport Town Center Is an Epicenter of Depression & Terrible Customer Service

Sorry, I couldn't think of a shorter or more clever title for this article without losing the point of it all.  For anyone that is lives in this small corner of the world, you probably are familiar with what I (and almost everyone I know) refer to as the Fort Henry Mall.  I refuse to call it anything else because for nearly all of my life it has been named that but in 2008 it was all supposed to change.  In 2008, a huge (for our area) announcement was made that the Fort Henry Mall was going to henceforth be known as the Kingsport
Yeah, this is really it.  Doesn't it look like
the epitome of hip and fun?
Town Center and some major changes were on the way.  Promises of an actual food court, expanded and newer stores, a bowling alley, skating rink, and a Unicorn were all made but 5 years later, the place is more depressing and boring than it was when it was just an empty lot back in 1975.  It seems that every major store or eatery has left the building in those 5 years since the announcement.  Every time that I go to this sad hull of economic depression it seems that something else is missing or something has closed.  It's like a really terrible surprise when you step foot through the same exact dirty glass doors onto the cracked tile and stained carpet that has been there probably since the early 80's.  When things first started closing down like the Chik-Fil-A and Radioshack, I expected that they would promptly be replaced with something better.  Instead the Radioshack has practically been boarded up and the old Chik-Fil-A has had a series of independent restaurant disasters.  Nothing got better, it got worse.  The actual number of stores is probably half of what it was 5 years ago...and then the movie theater closed.  What is the point?

I say all this because it is now a terrible, terrible place.  It's almost like the souls of the deceased failed businesses that have came through have seeped into the embodiment of remaining employees of the mall.  My wife still goes to the FHM for certain things like getting her nails done or getting her make-up, and sometimes I tag along.  Tonight was one of those nights.  She asked me if I wanted to take our kids to eat in one of the two remaining "restaurants" of the mall while she got her pedicure.  Not wanting to cook nor clean it up, I said "sure".  Now on the lower level of the "mall" is a "restaurant" called Piccadilly.  No, it is not the storied street and social center in London, no it is actually a dingy, dark, low-quality, over-priced cafeteria that employees the most hateful, disgruntled, fuzzy-headed women in the greater Tri-Cities area.  "Why in God's name would you go there?" you may be asking.  Well, I don't have any answers that I can be proud of nor find valid.  Since my wife was getting her nails done directly across from us, I just thought it was sensible.  We arrived at the below-school-quality-cafeteria at about 7:45 and grabbed a tray to go through line and have our slop distributed to us.  We were quickly informed that they closed at 8pm but that they would still serve us by a portly, grease woman.  How very kind I thought, they are open for another 15 minutes and have all of this food available and they are still going to serve us?  As we trudged through the line, my kids were repeatedly told by the serving wench what they couldn't have.  Keep in mind they were closing in 15 minutes and whatever isn't sold is thrown out, but we still have Kim Jong-Il of the cafeteria telling the kids what couldn't be served on a kids meal.  Two of my kids wanted fried chicken, Jong-Il informed them that
What eating at Piccadilly feels like
they were allowed to have two chicken legs with their meal.  There was only one chicken leg left along with 2 thighs and about 6 or 7 chicken breasts.  Server Jong-Il gave my first child the leg and thigh after much debate with Manager Hitler and told my second child that he could only have the remaining thigh.  Perplexed, I asked Hitler if he could just get one breast instead.  "No!!  Breasts don't go on the kid's meal, sir" she replied.  I could tell it was about to get stupid and I thought I might as well play along.  "Aren't you all getting ready to close anyway?  Do you think it's really going to make a difference?" I asked.  "Yes, we can't do that.  What do you want for your sides, sir?" Jong-Il replied.  She brushed my stupid, illogical question off and was ready to move along.  Every item that we asked for was a problem and a standoff.  Since I so stupidly got hush-puppies with my frozen fish, I was not allowed to have a nice, hot dinner roll.  "It'll be $1.50 extra" Jong-Il informed me.  No, I'm not giving you any more money than I'm already obligated to give at this point I told her.  My kids stupidly chose the wrong cup size for their kids
Our Server Jong-Il
meal and instead of calling it square, Server Jong-Il told them to pour out the drinks that they had, and go back and get the smaller kiddie cups.  I asked her if that sounded logical to her, and she didn't appear to understand the question based upon the dumbfounded look upon her face.  When the kids returned from trading in their washable, reusable 18 oz. plastic cups for the non-biodegradable 10 oz. Styrofoam cups, both Jong-Il and Hitler seemed pleased and rang up our slop for $19.11.  I don't think I really need to tell you, dear reader, how terrible the food was but I'll give a quick mental picture.  Imagine a child going to a really impoverished school and they are an hour late for lunch and the cafeteria worker gives him the barely warmed-over leftovers scraped from the pans.  Now imagine being jealous of that.  That is the level of food we are dealing with here. One last kicker about the whole Picadilly experience, refills on drinks were free.

Now as we are dejectedly getting up to leave we have to pass by the slop line and I noticed that the chicken breasts that my son couldn't have and the nice warm roll that I couldn't have were both being tossed into a giant industrial sized garbage can along with all the other uneaten food.  Now I don't feel that we were necessarily entitled to said food but to waste it with such gusto really irritated me.  Greasy Server Jong-Il couldn't just take one of her sausage hands and give my kid a freaking chicken breast because it didn't go with the meal but yet she can shovel it into a garbage can?  I can get over that, I can forgive that but the pure fact that they were wasting this terrible food was ridiculous.  But I will expound on that a little bit more in a moment.

So we've left the pig trough and told my wife about the traumatic dining experience and informed her that she would unfortunately not be able to enjoy the same food we did since they were now closed and all the food was in the garbage.  She looked relived and instead went and got a sandwich from a Italian Village.  I have zero bad things to say about Italian Village.  They are great and far too good to be lumped into this shell of broken dreams know as the Kingsport Town Center.  Anyway, the kids belly's were not quite satisfied so we made our way to the American Cookie Company for some sweet treats.  At this time it was about 8:58 or so but not quite on the 9:00 closed down time.  I approached the fully-lit, fully-stocked with cookies, counter and before I could get a word out of my mouth the 19 year old douche-canoe told me that he had
My suggestion for their new logo
already closed the register.  I sadly looked at all the delicious cookies, cookie cake, and brownies as did my kids but I understand once you close down your register it's kind of a pain in the ass.  I didn't argue even though it was still not quite 9:00 and I politely said, "ok".  We sat down not 15 feet from the cookie joint and watched the little douche-canoe chat up some girls and casually clean up.  As my wife was finishing her sandwich, I noticed they too were actually taking these delicious, sinful little treats and dumping them by the piles into a similar trash can as I had seen earlier.  My youngest son saw this too and asked if maybe they would let them have one before they threw them out.  So I took my six year old by the hand up to the counter and once again before I could get a word out, douche-canoe interjected.  "We can't give you any.  It's against the rules.  We can't even hand you one."  That seemed a little redundant to me but whatever.  I asked him, "don't you think that this is the least bit retarded?"  As he continued to shovel more of the yummy goodness into the can, he said "I guess, kind of."  I wasn't satisfied, I needed him to know how completely ridiculous this was.  I needed him to understand that what his boss or whoever told him to this was an idiotic sociopath with zero common sense.  I leaned in and told him this and asked, "Do you really grasp this concept?  Do you understand the level of stupidity this is at?"  I think he understood because he was able to shake away a wisp of hair and nod.  To put it all into perspective, my 6 year old understands the concept of discarding food in front of children makes one an asshole.

What did I witness tonight?  I watched food that could have easily been donated to a shelter be thrown into a can...twice.  I watched two businesses basically tell a customer to go f**k themselves.  Did Server Jong-Il, Manager Hitler, or Teenage douche-canoe really think that doing a nice thing or the right thing was going to cause Satan to come riding in on dragon-headed horse through the ceiling and disembowel them all?  I'm
glad that these good local Kingsport businesses are hard at work not feeding any of the homeless or helping out the community in any way.  Forget my petty little wants, I can get over it even though I still think it's inconceivably absurd, but the fact that they can't take an extra step or two to not donate their food to the needy is unforgivable.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Daft Punk = Robotic Elevator Disco: A Review of "Random Access Memories" album

If nothing else, I must say that this album
cover is pretty badass.
I've been known to complain from time to time about the music that is being produced and distributed today.  I'm seemingly always looking for a musical messiah to come and save us all from the One Directions and Nicki Minajs of the world.  Lately, I've heard a lot of praise being heaped upon Daft Punk and how they are the new revolution.  I'm always open to new things.  I will try any band or song that you shove in front of me at least once because as much as I love Pink Floyd, the Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, Nirvana, and others, I can only listen to them so much before becoming a little tired of it.  I'm always searching for those bands or artists to fill those gaps of boredom that I can find in the classics.  I say all of this to let you, dearest reader, that I bought and listened to this album with the purest intentions and admittedly with some excitement.  I was excited to hear what could possibly be the new wave...and then I heard the first track and then the second and so on. 

From the start, I am quickly reminded of disco but not just plain old disco but rather very specific disco band, Zapp & Roger.  It's voicebox/electronica/old school disco beats which is fine, but I've heard it before.  Here is a quick comparison:
 
 
It goes on and on throughout the album.  It is a completely fine album but I hardly see any way that this is revolutionary unless robotic elevator disco is revolutionary.  Besides the quick Zapp and Rogers reference, I immediately thought of the "robotic elevator disco" reference which when my wife heard it she completely agreed.  I don't want to sound like an old guy who doesn't understand music but I'm really lost on this one.  I see that they (Are Daft Punk a "they"?  Is it a group or a person) trying to do, mix old disco sounds with new sounds and artists.  They(?) throw a couple of nice guest appearances by Pharrell Williams and Julian Casablancas (from the Strokes) but I feel that their talents are wasted because they spend 90% of their time doing repetitive lines through a voicebox/autotune thing. 
 
 
I know it sounds like I'm taking a huge dump on this album but I'm really not.  If it didn't get all of the hype that it has, I could easily enjoy this album as a nice thing to play in the background as I work or read.  It's fine, but if I'm in the mood for real disco, I'll put on some KC & the Sunshine Band or the BeeGees. 
 
My recommendation is that you can listen to it for free online through Spotify or Youtube, but I don't think I would go and buy it with money.  

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Texting Sucks by guest writer Murphy White with Introduction by Me

I love technology.  My family loves technology.  Chances are that if you're reading this, you like technology as well.  However, every now and then technology doesn't quite fit in to parts of our lives.  For example, using your iPhone to check e-mail, Facebook, listen to Stitcher, and play Angry birds while hanging out at home or the office is good.  Doing all the exact same things while sitting behind the wheel of your car and driving is far less good.  But the line between good uses of technology and bad uses isn't always as clear.  Take texting for instance, I was not that keen on texting when it first started being used a few years ago.  My phone didn't have one of those nifty QWERTY keyboards on it and I had to do the texting old school style by repeatedly hitting the number.  Besides the tediousness of texting back then, I also didn't like the part where it was so impersonal.  If I was already using the phone and the person I was texting was going to be using their phone to receive my message, shouldn't we just call each other?  Also, do you remember how much of a freaking bill you could rack up?  If you didn't have a "texting" package on your phone, you could be hit with a charge of .10 to .15 cents per message sent or received.  I remember working for Cingular back in like 2006 and I would get all of these angry calls from parents that were dumb enough to give their kid a phone without a package on it complaining about a $500 charge for texting.  (I sympathized with them and would usually just credit it off by the way.) Eventually I came around like every other person under the age of 60 and started texting in the past 3 or 4 years.  I still don't like it unless it's something quick like, "Hey, we still meeting later?" or "I'll call you back".  I never think it's a good idea to communicate anything of any sort of importance for the greatest reason of all:  The intended message can be lost in the message.  When reading a text, since it is usually short and imprecise, the reader is not able to hear the emotion or the inflections of the senders voice.  So often the intent of a message can be misinterpreted because of this, which brings me to my guest writer today, Murphy White.  Murphy is a long time friend and the guy I would consider my best friend.  He has recently went through "texting troubles" and wanted to share with me and the world (or the people who happen to read my blog).  So here he is, everyone say hello to Murph.

Texting Sucks by Murphy White

Murphy White
Sitting next to me, as I write this, sits my smartphone. I’d have to say that at least 90% of my generation have one. (I’m 32). They do a lot of really cool things but in my relationship experience, texting + relationship = disaster.
Using technology, for me, is great. I love gadgets. Since I was young I’ve always had a gaming console, TVs, stereos, and computers. Within a couple of years after high school, mobile phones were really starting to come into the picture. Everyone seemed to start getting one. It was freedom to stay in touch from anywhere. No more waiting at the house for phone calls trying to plan things or whatever.
Eventually text messaging came into existence. This spanned both mobile and computers. I remember AOL instant messenger vividly, and phones were getting “smarter” to accommodate text. Never again will society be the same, and with it, the change of the human psyche.
There’s a lot to be said about the power of text. It’s quick information delivered rapidly and can be used in many situations where talking isn’t appropriate. It allows you to multi-task at times. It can be good for making lists for others, plus I’m sure many other good reasons. However, in a relationship, it can spell for disaster. Let me emphasize, “can” though. I’m sure many healthy relationships can handle it, but in my experience it has been awful….and here’s why.

  1. The problem with text for me has been that it has no room for context or tone. Often times you can send what is a harmless, casual text, and it can be taken completely the wrong way. Case in point, recently I was texting a girl about having a talk she wanted to have with me, and my text apparently came across as “bossy” for some reason. I’ve had many other examples of this and I’m sure you may have some of your own.
  2. Text also brings with it a “curtain.” For some reason, and I don’t mean this applies to everyone, but text brings a certain sense of security. It allows you to be hidden from actual confrontation. I say confrontation, and it sometimes has a negative undertone, but what I really mean is a human connection like a face and/or voice. It allows certain people to hide behind their phone to avoid facing in person consequences like….reactions to what they are saying.Now sometimes….sometimes…you get a combo of both of the above. Sometimes people will avoid a phone call but will text you. Heaven forbid that you ask them why they just didn’t answer the phone and avoid a lengthy text session. This brings up my third point.
  3. Don’t EVER argue through text. This is about the worst thing to do, because when you are mad, you have the tendency to think faster than you can type. Not to mention you’re trying to respond to what they are telling you, which is often in the middle of what you are typing and is non-related. When this happens you have this jumble of topics you are trying to juggle all at the same time. Natural conversation goes out the window followed by frustration and sometimes….the end of the relationship.
This is what I plead for in the future:

Text messaging can only be used in certain situations like brief conversations, lists, or to be used in places where talking is inappropriate with arguing saved for a later time. Otherwise, answer my phone call.
Oh, and while I think tech stuff is great….we all need to get out a little more.
(As I check Facebook)

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Inspirational Rap: Rap Inspiration, Son!!

As many of you know I have been experimenting a lot with making different memes/pictures/parodies etc.  I enjoy being entertained by the many funny/interesting things I see on the internet through Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, reddit, etc.  However, the one thing that drives me nuts (ok not the ONE thing but one amongst many) are these horrible, generic inspirational quotes from some obscure poet or author laid over some random picture that has nothing to do with the quote being posted all over Tumblr and Facebook. 

I've seen these things get thousands of shares, likes, reposts, etc and I've thought to myself, "Anyone could do this."  I strive to be funny and entertaining in all aspects of my life.  I firmly believe that nothing should be posted to the internet if it doesn't fall under one of three categories:  1)  Be Funny  2)  Be Informative  3)  Be Entertaining.  That's it or you can ask a question, questions are good too.  Too many things are posted that do not fall under any of these categories and I hate them. 
However, I know that they are not going away because I do not rule the internet and not that many people listen to me anyway.  So I figured that if people are going to continue posting these "inspirational" pictures/messages that I could contribute as well.  I noticed that a lot of people use poets as their source for "inspiration" and I thought, "well, we really don't have poets anymore, at least not really popular ones, so who are our modern day poets?"  The answer:  rappers. 
This is from "rapper" Waka Flaka Flame.  
Yep, that's his name




I've scoured the interwebs through rap lyrics and found countless treasure troves of "poetry" and I've wanted to share them with my fans or people who read the stuff I publish.  The preposterous lyrics that I've found are beyond words and only pictures can do them justice.



Ok, I've been lying, these lyrics are SO bad.  I don't understand how any intelligent people could enjoy this stuff.  It makes me sad that these rappers are rich because they can rhyme extremely simple words like "hump" and "lump" or "straight" and "cake".  I do have some hope however because this means that my children could potentially be superstars because they could easily sit down and write these lyrics.





As always I wanted to share some of the greatness of this with you, dear reader. Now keep in mind as you look at these pictures that these are grown ass adults writing this stuff, not children.  Well, I guess it would be pretty bad if a 10 year old wrote the lyrics to the right, but those kitties sure are cute.






I love this song, as stupid as it is.
Some are dirtier than others but as I've stated before no one should be offended by anything because dirty words don't effect or hurt anyone and if you think that they do then you are a moron.



Some rappers pull their inspiration from their love of sex.  As my friend Christian Norman put it, "It's like they have Tourette's and are on Viagra"  This is an example of the Tourette/Viagra phenom.







Others are so nonsensical that I don't even know what to say about them.  I've never met a lady that wanted to be shat upon, but I guess if I did, the very least I would do would be to offer her some baby wipes.








If you like all the stuff I do or if you hate it and want to tell me how much you hate me.  Find me on Facebook at "Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething" and like the page.  Please share, subscribe, and like as you see fit. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Uninspiring Inspiration

I know, I know.  It has been a really long time since I've done anything on here and I feel like a lazy useless person for it.  Lately too many things going on to have any sort of time to sit down and write any sort of extended piece.  However, it only takes a few moments to make some pictures.

Lately, I've been noticing WAY TOO MANY of all of those super-generic-scenic-cliche "inspirational" pictures.  The basic formula is this:







  1. Find a picture of landscape or crowd of people
  2. Make up a cliche quote or steal one from a famous person
  3. Make sure that the picture and the words do not relate in any way whatsoever
  4. Combine in preferred photo-editing software
  5. Post to Facebook and get 10,000 likes from sheep people.
So like any responsible blogger/writer/aspiring comedy person, I've not been able to avoid the irony of everyone of them that I've seen.  I see 100 or more pictures everytime I log onto any social media site telling me how perfect I am, how I shouldn't regret anything, or how I'm not fat but rather beautiful.

I cannot imagine that anyone believes those things and when they read them they say, "Yeah, that's right.  I'm not going to diet now that I know I'm already perfect" or "Yeah, why should I ever look at any past mistakes in my life and learn from them?  The future is now."

As always I couldn't help but try to point this out.  So I made a few and if anyone else has some more I would love to see them.

 

And lastly, don't be afraid to follow your dreams....
 

Saturday, January 26, 2013

So I Finally Made a Reaction Video....

I've seen a ton of internet reaction videos over the years.  I've seen the videos that are being reacted to like "2 Girls 1 Cup", "Mr. Hands", "BME Pain Olympics" and etc.  They have all horrified me and disgusted me but perhaps none quite as bad as one that was recently shown to me by my friend "Smurphy Black" (I wanted to protect his identity).  I'm sure there are a lot of these videos out there and I don't give a damn if I ever see another one.  So I didn't want my own reaction on video (because I don't ever want to watch it again) so we had my wife and her friend Val take a look.  The reaction is great and then the running commentary that they made was even better.  What surprised me was the length of time that they watched it, Smurphy and I only made it like 45 seconds watching it, they made it like 8 minutes.  So here it is, watch if you want and yes there is filthy language in it because we are watching a filthy video.  Enjoy it!!

If you are interested in watching the orginal video, then there is something really wrong with first of all, but you can find it just by googling it.  But I really, really don't recommend doing that.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

What the F@%K are We Listening To?

The title says it all but let me elaborate because just having a title would make for a pretty boring post.  My wife, who is not yet a seasoned, grizzled thirtysomething, went out dancing with some friends the other night.  It was her first time in something like two years and I didn't mind because if you ever saw me back in the late 90's/early 2000's then you know that I can't dance.  When you are almost 6'3 all of your "moves" seem to be accentuated and exaggerated, so when it is bad it is terrible.  I'm not one to let my own shortcomings prevent others from enjoying themselves so when she was invited by some friends I saw it as an opportunity to have some XBox/Netflix time to myself.  After a couple of hours, Katie (the wife lady) came home very distressed.  I didn't know what to think initially (possible roofie, overpriced drinks, skanks) but I just let her talk.  "I'm old." she said, "I don't know what the hell that music was and I don't know what kind of dancing that could possibly be."  She went on to tell me of a new dance or something called "the Clap" which, to the best of her understanding, included one girl in the middle of a circle shaking her ass while everyone in the circle of humans claps their hands in a "alligator-like" motion and tells the girl in the middle that they are giving her "the Clap".  When Katie heard this, she asked these 18-21 year olds why they were encouraging each other to get gonorrhea.  None of them knew what that meant.  All of this made me think, "What kind of music are we (not me) listening to today?  What sort of musical abortions are being pushed into the earholes of our youth?  Is there anything I can do to stop this tragedy?" 

I searched through the Billboard Hot 100 chart to find out what people are listening to and to hopefully try to help remedy it.  I picked out a few songs that could possibly lead to uncontrolable vomiting, violent bleeding from the ears, and spontaneous bowel release and then made an alternate suggestion.  My alternate suggestions are songs that are markedly better but in the same style or theme of the vomit-inducing song.  I see no need for people, in particular our youth, to be listening to songs that cause spastic bowels when there is so much out there.  The youth represents our future and we can't have them thinking Nicki Minaj is as talented as Aretha Franklin or that Lady Gaga is Madonna. 


Nicki Minaj - Va Va Voom

I don't necessarily mean to pick on this cartoon character but after listening to a couple of her songs, she deserves it.  This one in particular was my pick for best worst song of hers, but then again I only listened to three songs so I don't have a large pool to choose from.  (I'm sure there are worse, feel free to let me know)  Ok, so the quick break down on this song is that she is hanging out at different clubs looking for married guys that she can take home, make a sex tape with, and hopefully change their minds about being married.  No really, I read the lyrics to make sure.  I'm not judging, I don't care what she sings about really but it's the fact that it is sounds so preposterous and overproduced.  The singing parts sound overly autotuned but not in that obvious T-Pain style but rather in the way that you say, "Bet she doesn't sound like that live."  The rap parts are childish, if a child was trying to pick up a married man in a bar.  When she can't rhyme two words, she just makes a sound at the end of the second word to make it rhyme.  So if you are looking for a rap song about random sex and cheating (in which there are literally thousands) might I recommend instead....Naughty By Nature's  "O.P.P."

Sure there are the aforementioned thousands of rap songs about cheating and infidelity but none of them celebrated it quite like Naughty by Nature.  What they did was actually make a clear, catchy song that got the point across just as hard as Ms. Minaj but they included everyone in the equation and made it sound okay and like a party.  Women could cheat, men could cheat, and as long as everyone wore a condom then everything would be fine.  Another thing about this song is this, "Do you think anyone will remember Minaj's "Va Va Voom" in 20 years?  Nope, but everyone remembers "O.P.P."

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I'm not necessarily saying that this is a bad break up song but I am saying that she has built an entire career off of break up songs.  It has continually blown my mind that everyone keeps falling all over her songs.  You hear jokes about it on all the late night shows, the comedy podcasts, the panel shows, and entertainment blogs but yet still girls love her.  Why?  There are far more awesome break-up songs out there that can equally get your point across.  For this one I wanted to list more than one but I went with one that I still feel is one of the biggest burns ever dropped on an album and I'm a little ashamed to admit it....Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me a River"

I know there are more classic ones than this but for me this one was personal.  I haven't always been married and I lived with a girl for a few years in my early 20's and even created a child with her.  We are cool now but when we broke up back in the day, I listened to the shit out of this song.  It said everything I wanted to say to her.  And that's what I think makes for a good break-up song, it should convey all of your feelings and you should believe the singer means every damn word of it.  I just don't feel like Taylor Swift has been in a relationship long enough to even write a heartfelt song, so I disqualify her until she has a boyfriend for more than 6 months.  I'm not posting the videos for some of the others but I will list them with links because they are too good not to and they put Taylor Swift to shame.  In no particular order, Cee Lo - "Fuck You" , Cake - "I Will Survive" , and here is a list of the top 50, in which none of them are Taylor Swift songs, here. 

Fun. - We Are Young


I don't completely hate this song but I feel like they are kind of like a dramatic pseudo-boy band who listened to a lot of Queen.  This isn't necessarily a terrible song, it's really okay the first time or two that you hear it but then you hear it for the 427th time and it really irritates you and you start to make that connection that they are trying to fool you into liking them.  You won't immediately start bleeding from the ears but if you listen too much or too long you just might.  Instead, might I suggest that you listen to what they listened to and see which one you like better.  Queen had a lot of great songs but probably none more dramatic (Fun.) than "Bohemian Rhapsody".  Compare and contrast, if you will. 

I understand that they are completely different songs but the flare for the dramatic is definitely present and not only in this one Fun. song.  I checked out others and it seems to be a theme.  It's fine but I would rather go with Queen or maybe Pink Floyd.









will.i.am featuring Britney Spears - Scream & Shout


 I know that you think I'm getting ready to pick on Britney Spears don't you?  Well, a little but this venom is aimed more at will.i.am.  He is quite possibly the least talented, most annoying, most overexposed, bowel-twitching, pile of talentless shit that we have in American music now.  Need proof?  Ok, take out the little catchy beat of this song and listen to the words.  Or if you want to save your ears, I'll give you some of the super clever, well thought out lyrics ever put to paper that took will.i.am plus two other writers to come up with: 


"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh"


Yeah, it took a total of three writers to make that.  And yes, he is correct, I do want to scream and shout...in pain.  I imagine that this song is being played right now in an underground secret military bunker ran by the CIA holding terrorists in windowless cells in pitch darkness on cold wet concrete floors.  It is being pumped into their cells as punishment.  It is being used to break their will.  will.i.am might be the most important figure in the CIA.  Who knows the countless numbers of terrorists he has broken with his shitty music?  Thanks Willy, glad you are good for something.  My only stab at Britney is this, "Dear Britney, you are a hillbilly and no one is fooled by that terrible British accent."

If you are wanting to listen to a good collaboration between a rapper and a lady singer, I can give you better.  Hell, I imagine if Helen Keller were still alive she find you a better collabrotive song. However, I picked "Stan" by Eminem and Dido.  Listen to "Scream and Shout" and "Stan" back to back and I promise you will cry in sadness thinking about how will.i.am is so popular. 







I'm not shitting on all of modern music because there great bands and singers like the Black Keys, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, and many, many others.  But there are far too many terrible "artists" out there raping the music industry and sodomizing the ears of impressionable teens and early 20-somethings.  Please put a stop to it, and listen to something great today in protest. 

Monday, January 7, 2013

Amazing Art with Brandt Hardin

Recently when I posted my Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits blog, a fellow smart person posted a comment and a link to his personal art blog.  Anyone that takes the time to comment on anything, in my book, is worthwhile of checking out.  I clicked the link and was blown away by the artist.  I just wanted to share this stuff with you all because it is fantastic.  It reminds me a little of Ralph Steadman of Fear and Loathing fame but with perhaps more acid.  I do not personally know Hardin but I told him that I wanted to share with everyone the work he is doing.  So if you are an art fan or just like really cool pictures please click the link.

Also, just as a sample, I wanted to share on this page the FauxNews picture he made.  It might be my favorite. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits

I was delighted this morning when I went to read through the Huffington Post and found a new Ann Coulter clip.  Ann Coulter is one of my favorite comedians and has kept me entertained for years.  The only thing is though, she has no Comedy albums or specials, instead she has little guest appearances on FauxNews and other shows that are eager to hear her well thought out, considerate views.  She is kind of like the one-woman show equivalent of another hilarious traveling improv group, the Westboro Baptist Church. 

I believe that both her and the infamous hate group are really just a bunch of failed actors who couldn't make it to the big screen and had to find another way to make money.  They troll us all and get us all upset and they ultimately win.  Well, while I do think that we should find everything Ann Coulter and the WBC do repulsive, I also think that we should see it for what it is:  large scale trolling.  They are like those douchebags that can find a negative, adverse thing to say about any given subject, picture, or story.  I guarantee that if you go to any large Facebook page, scroll through and find the most innocent looking picture of a baby or flowers, you will see a comment on there somewhere that says "That's a gay baby" or "Flowers are the devil's tools for sin" or something equally ridiculous.  And this is exactly what people like Ann Coulter does, give that bitch any subject and she can find away to twist it up and piss off every American with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's.  So instead of getting angry, just see it for what it is and have a laugh, and realize that only bottom feeders buy into this crap. 

Here is the clip that had me laughing in disbelief this morning.  You see, this attention whore needed some new attention and thought it would be funny to say that we should publish a list of all women who've had an abortion so we would know who would be willing to murder a child.  If you watch carefully, you can see the split second before she says it and the moment afterwards that she is obviously trolling.  She knows what she just said is preposterous but that moment afterwards she also knows that she just got herself a new YouTube clip.  She doesn't believe in a damn thing that she says.  She just keeps on thinking of the most horrific things to say and vomits them out for attention....because she's an attention whore. 

The great part of what the Huffington Post made was what I like to call a "Greatest Hits of Ann" and I wanted to link it here for you.  It's given me a lot of laughs this morning.  Check it out here.


Eating Corn Flakes, Happy Bert Day, and DMX Christmas Carols

After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles.  Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me.  It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity.  Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping.  Is this the life I want?  Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done?  Yeah, pretty much.  I don't like my current station in life of just getting by.  I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!!  I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog.  Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right?  Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song. 

Kellogg's Was Meant to Stop Masturbation

This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan
I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since.  I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them.  John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news.  You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate.  An extremist if you will.  Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex.  He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse.  Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night.  The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing.  My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?"  But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex:  micro-baby-dick.  Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time.  He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link.  Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis. 

Happy Bert Day!!!  7 Hours of Bert Kreischer

Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience.  What did this mean for me?  No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do.  If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video.  This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style.  I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him.  He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him.  At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone.  Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.  You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever.  Or you can click on the links from earlier.  It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.

Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"

I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it.  Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.











I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head.  As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.   

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Working Hoochy Asses for Gift Cards: by mystery guest writer

As I am apt to do from time to time, I give other people an opportunity to write on the blog.  Today, a certain lady felt inspired to write after reading some comments left on the Facebook page.  I post pictures and I never do it to hurt anyone.  I always do it in the spirit of fun and laughter, nothing more.  It has never once been personal to anyone but a couple of people took it seriously today so it set off the wrath of this writer.  (I'm only not naming her because she asked me too.  And technically this was dictated to me.)

So with all the hype surrounded by the pictures that were put up on the Facebook page I wanted to take the time to point out a few things to some of the slutty skanks that decided to pull together and make some insults.

  1. If you enter a public contest at some local glory hole in your bikini and look like you are taking a dump on the floor, then you deserve the public ridicule you get when it lands on said club’s public site.
  2. If you are a succubus, and have so many kids that child services had to get involved and correct your crappy parenting, I would not point a single finger at two people that have never lost custody of their children.
  3. If you think someone is jealous of your relationship which consists of being beaten by a toothless, thug, then honey you might want to get some self- help in your local support group. DHS can help you get there.
  4. I would rather have the body of a beached whale versus having a meth-body just to go out and look like a zombie stripper for the local horn dogs.
  5. It makes me sad when low IQ people try to make legitimate arguments when they cannot spell.  (tHiZ iZz NoT hOwE yoU dU iT)
  6. The Mouse’s Ear rejects that keep making comments…you make my eyes hurt. You know, I had some hard times being a teenage mom and all, but guess what trolls? I went to college and here I am now with 2 degrees. No one handed it to me. I had to work for it. You know, like you work your hooch asses in the strip club for gift cards, well I worked mine off to get a better job.  
  7. It's too late to be a good example for your horde of children but the least you can do is save them from further embarrassment and stop putting your self on the internet.
  8. When you have multiple “baby daddy’s,” and continue to attain more partners and “baby daddies,” you might be a whore.
  9. Have some standards for goodness sake and hit Goodwill and cover your puppies up and booty. Walk around covered up like it’s a secret! Why? Because some things should be left unseen. Now ladies, I have given you some sound advice here. I would also like to add that all skanks on the Goodship Stripper-Pop need to get a sense of humor. If you want to be taken seriously, then act like a human. You cannot expect to be a member of society and be taken seriously when you conduct yourselves like homeless trollops.
So that is what was dictated to me by a special person.  And I do want to reiterate that I never do this with any ill-will towards anyone, and if you do get butt-hurt may I recommend getting off of the other sites that post funny pictures you silly hypocrites.  Enjoy some pictures and remember that.



 
 
As always if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething.  Just keep it light, it's not that serious.