Thursday, November 15, 2012

Post Election Hangover: The Week After

Well, it's been a little over a week since the Electoral College took a look at our votes and decided which guy would ultimately take the helm of Supreme Ruler of America.  Many people have felt that the Electoral College chose the wrong guy.  Many people believe in voter fraud.  Many people thought the count was wrong.  Worst of all?  Many people thought that this was the beginning of the apocalypse, armageddon, the holocaust, and ground zero for a massive zombie outbreak all rolled into one. 

Now before you hit the little 'x' in the upper right hand corner hear me out.  I'm not criticizing people who voted Romney.  I'm really not.  What I am criticizing is narrow-mindedness and complete apocalyptical thinking.  Neither Romney nor Obama were or are the saviors of America.  They are simply men who raised enough money to buy votes and support from the correct special interest groups, lobbyists, and corporations who will then turn around and be controlled by these same groups.  That's all.  So please don't be sad that Romney didn't get in, he wasn't going to save you just like Obama isn't either.  Don't gloat in Obama's victory, it doesn't mean anything just as if Romney would've gotten in.

This has not happened...yet
I've waited a week to write this because I was wanting to make sure that the "doom and gloom" crowd weren't correct in predicting the end of civilization.  I woke on the morning after the election and peeked outside my window to make sure that zombies weren't dragging my neighbors out of their homes, that cars weren't spontaneously combusting, that there weren't any massive dumpster fires, and that there wasn't any rioting in the streets before I got out of bed.  And you know what?  I couldn't tell a difference between Tuesday morning when I woke up and that Wednesday.  Hell, each day I've been waiting for lizard-people to come around with sub-atomic brain suction lasers to suction my thoughts and soul out of my body.  Alas, it has not happened.  When I get in my car each morning I wince at the thought that when I turn the key, I might be instantly vaporized.  I'm timid when I pull into the parking lot at school, thinking that all of these students might actually be zombies ready to eat my face. But nope, nothing has changed.  I think and ponder all this because on that Wednesday I went to Facebook and saw all the foretelling of the collapse of society as we know it being spewed out by many people who were sad.

Sure, there were certainly some entertaining posts that weren't actually meant for entertainment (I think), but most of them were so out there that one would easily conclude that the apocalpse was starting in the next 5 minutes.  I saw, "America is dead", "God will punish America", and "I'm moving to Mexico/Canada", just to name a few.  Now if you took a time traveler from the 1800's who landed in 2012 and told them to read all of these posts, he would start to quiver in his boots and faint from sheer terror.  People were blowing this whole thing way out of proportion.  I was actually ashamed to know some of these people.  I couldn't believe that anyone could type or say those things and actually be serious.  I decided to engage one of the more extreme people to try to get an idea of what he was thinking.  He had combined all three of the previous examples into one single post and then some (he added that Obama was an evil Muslim that hated America and Israel).  I told him the short version of what I'm saying here now, but it fell on deaf ears. 

Drug Cartel's favorite activity for white people
My favorites have been the posts about moving to Mexico or Canada.  Yeah, that will fix your problems.  Mexico's notorious drug cartels just love white people.  Let me rephrase that, they love the severed heads of white people who got too close to their operation.  Canada is pretty cool but then you have the healthcare thing that so many are bitching about now.  Got a cold?  Get in line, it might take a month or two. 

See?  That's not Obama.
If you find that you are one of these people that said all of these things, don't think that I hate you or wish ill-will towards you.  Quite the contrary, I care about you and I want you to be smarter than what you are showing.  Every president that has come along throughout history has had their naysayers.  People have always prophetized the end of the world when he get a president.  They are always the "Antichrist" in someone's eyes.  But look, we haven't blown our selves up, the zombies haven't risen, society hasn't collapsed, and you are probably doing the same thing today as you were the same time last week.  Electing a president does not make for great changes, the people of America are the ones who change it.  We need to look past these silly party lines that we've drawn up and step over them and help each other out.  Positive change will only happen when we decide to make it happen.  So stick around gloom-and-doomers, greatness could be just around the corner.


Saturday, October 6, 2012

Advice Blog: "Dude, It'd Probably be Easier if You Were Gay"


Yeah, that really is the title of this one. And yeah, I really did tell someone that. I have a good sound reason too. It's not because this guy or any guy that has women problems seems to have any "gay tendencies" or I feel that they are in the closet or anything. No, it's because at a certain point communicating with women and deciphering their secret code can become so frustrating that it could cross one's mind. Same for women too. I hear women say all the time, "I swear, I'm almost at the point of writing off men for good" but you never hear, "Dude, it'd probably be easier if you were gay"....until now.

I was talking to a friend the other day that has had a bad run with women here lately and it always seems to come down to simple communication problems. You see women and men, fundamentally, communicate differently and although there is nothing wrong with that, it's still maddening. I'm not going to get into that hacky, typical comedian thing of "Hey, did you ever notice women do (enter cliché here)? But I will say that women will beat around the bush about what they want from a man. She may say something like, "I've not eaten much today" and what that means when translated to Man-talk says, "Hey, will you get me something to eat?" I will also say that women tend to mask what they want with vagueness like, "I want to take things slow" or "I think we are moving too fast". Now I don't know how to translate that to Man-talk because it is so vague. My friend had this said to him from the last couple of girls he has dated. I don't know what the hell this means, and to be honest, no one knows what it means, man or woman, it's simply something to say to throw the man off. I've tried to decipher the meaning and even came up with some plausible ideas of what it might mean (No sex, too much hanging, too much calling, meeting the parents, etc.) but I can't be sure. The woman might be fine with a lot of sex but you are calling her too much or she doesn't want the sex but would really like to hang out more. Who knows? When I was stuck in the dating world 136 years ago, I got one of those statements several times and I would ask, "Ok. So what do you want then? Am I calling too much? Should we have sex less often? What is it?" Inevitably it was always another vague answer to a specific question, "No, it's just that I want to take it slow"

If a man were to say something like this (which would probably not happen) it would be much more specific like, "Listen, you are being too clingy, I need some guy time, quit blowing up my phone, but let's still have sex whenever possible" And why is that? Because typically men say exactly what they want. We do not practice the art of being vague, we don't dance around a subject, and we certainly do not do little tests. Which is another thing; women do the "test-talk" all the time. "That girl has a nice body don't you think, honey?" the female might say and since men say what they mean a male might say yes. But no that was a test, he isn't supposed to find other women attractive, he lost sight of other beauty when he met his girlfriend, his eyes cannot even register the opposite sex, everyone just looks grey and featureless anymore!! There are a million examples of this and I think you get my point and now that brings me back around full-circle to my statement of it might be easier to be gay.

I'm not trying to down play how it is to be a gay man or woman in this world; I know that there are many struggles that they have to go through in society. What I am saying is, at the root of it, excluding outside judgment and homophobes, being gay would be pretty easy, especially for a man. Of course, there is also the problem for some that they don't find other dudes attractive but if that was taken out it would be great. The guy could hang out with his best friend; they could watch sports, drink, take a dump without shame, scratch their balls without judgment, and would never have to worry about communication problems. A dream monogamous gay dude situation would be watching the Super Bowl, guzzling iced mugs of beer, smoking cigars, and eating some hot wings. The only downfall would be that you'd half to have sex later. But if you could get past the part where you aren't attracted to other dudes, wouldn't that be great?

Or let's say that you've grown tired of women and their games and you just want to go out, try some dudes, and have no strings attached. Shazam, son!! If you are looking for anonymous-no-strings sex, look no further than Craiglist. If you've never read through Craigslist "casual encounters" or "missed connections" section then you are missing out on a treat. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that men say exactly what they want and what they are thinking, and apparently men want some pretty damn dirty things. I just want to give some real examples real quick, none of this has been pre-screened; I just simply went there and these are some of the gems I found: (I think it goes without saying that this blog is getting ready to be pretty explicit, so if you are easily offended, then it's time to go)

  •   From Bristol - "clean and discreet cock sucker swallowing loads. nice looking total bottom. stop by econo lodge rm to to to on commonwealth and use my mouth. clean tight butt needs a good drilling also. have some porn."
  • From Bristol - "I AM A COCKSUCKER TRIED AND TRUE.  LOVE TO SUCK, DEEPTHROAT, SWALLOW CUM, RIM AND WORSHIP HOT GUYS.
    MARRIED, STR8 AND UNCUT ARE PLUSES BUT NOT REQUIREMENTS.
    IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, YOU SHOULD BE 50 OR UNDER, HWP, AND HAVE BALLS FULL OF CUM."
  • From, you guessed it, Bristol - " I want someone to come over and plow the hell out of my ass and use my throat as hard as you want.. send pics and i do whatever you ask. i will be your sex slave."
  • And probably my favorite one that I found tonight, from Asheville - "Hosting now in my hotel- dressed in panties, stockings garter, lace...got a room full of panties, an ass filled with a dildo, and a cock that needs sucking....please bring your eager mouth
    Will bottom for right guy- Will let u cum and pee on me if that's your thing
    6'3 200lbs white married cd 6.5 cut and shaved"

What most of the guys are hoping for
on Craigslist.
See? These are gay dudes being honest about what the hell they want. They don't want to be your friend, they don't want to have some deep intellectual conversation, they want to get down and dirty. This kind of talk would not and could not work with 90% of women (unless you are paying them and that is their profession). With women, it is a cat-and-mouse game of getting down to the bottom of what each of them want. No one is going to be that out and tell you that it's perfectly ok to piss on them in a bar. If you like dudes or you are fed up with women and want to try a dude, Craigslist seems to be the place to go.

I know it's not very practical advice for most because chances are that if you've dated women your entire dating life then you probably like women and think dudes are gross. This is the one chink in my advice armor. I couldn't do it but perhaps if you get desperate enough it might be the right way to go for you.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Special Edition of Love Advice with Dr. Sleepy: The Slut Conundrum

Lately, I have been writing strictly about all things political and while I do enjoy it I don't think that all of my readers really want to hear me rant on and on about Romney.  So in response to that I decided to write something more fun and do a brief return to the love advice column.  This is a special edition though, I'm only addressing one question and it wasn't sent via e-mail but rather it was asked of me directly.  I gave my advice to the guy but I wanted to recreate it for print because it was a fairly good conversation.

For dramatic purposes here is a recreation of the conundrum I was presented with from a fellow male:
Dustin, I've been dating a woman for the past year on and off.  We've had our ups and downs and have even broken up a few times.  During those times she was admittedly (when confronted) with other men...several of them.  She has a very, what some would say, checkered past.  I wouldn't call her a slut but let's say that she was generous with her vagina.  She was unfaithful in nearly all of her past relationships and all of them ended miserably.  She hits the clubs and the booze equally hard as often as possible.  I know some shit has gone down resulting from those club incidents which is what split us up before.  She has a child from a previous relationship that I've grown fond of and find myself taking care of a lot.  Oh yeah, and we just had a baby together.  So the question is, "Is this going to last?" and "How much of myself should I invest here?"

Well the great modern day poet, Ludacris, once put it so eloquently that "You can't turn a ho into a housewife, ho's don't act right".  I know that the past is the past and many of us have done things in our life that we may not be proud of and can even become different people over a course of time.  However, how far back must we go to consider something to be "in the past".  Is it a year?  Is it 6 months?  Is it a couple of weeks?  I don't have a definitive answer but if your girlfriend has been generous with her vagina with other guys while carrying your child in her belly then I find that hard to consider "in the past".  Just because your lady friend hasn't banged a stranger in a few months doesn't mean she has changed, it simply means that she has temporarily stopped her behavior probably because she just had the baby and has to be home more often.  Here is how I see it going for you if you stick around:  You are already semi-attached to the one child and have one of your own now too.  She will eventually take advantage of that notion.  She'll start out slow by saying something like, "Oh I haven't been out in so long by myself, I would like just one night to go out.  Would you care to watch the kids?"  You, trying to be the understanding free-minded boyfriend, will hesitantly agree.  You sit at home with the kids all night wondering what she might be doing.  "Has she met an attractive stranger?"  "How much has she had to drink?"  She then comes stumbling home, kind of drunk, at around 4am.  She doesn't want to answer questions or talk she says that she is "so tired" and just wants to take a shower and get in bed.  The next morning you are stuck with getting up with the kids because she is too hungover and tired but you think to yourself, "Well, she deserved a night out.  All of this baby stuff is stressful".  You don't really discuss the previous night and you seemingly go on about your life with her but then the next week rolls around and she says that her friends are really wanting to have a "girl's night out" and asks if you would mind watching the kids again.  You may grumble a bit but you agree.  Same thing happens, she comes in a 4am, a little drunk, doesn't say much, and takes a shower.  You start to get a litte suspicous and the next morning you try to talk to her about it.  She gets angry and asks why you're so jealous and why don't you trust her.  You point out to her some of the past transgressions and it blows up into a bigger fight.  Things smoothe over eventually and perhaps she skips going out the next week to show you that she has changed, but then when things are going good again she tells you that she wants to hit the club with some friends, she may even invite you to come along, but oh wait, no one else can watch the kids.  Sorry, I guess you'll need to stay at home with them, maybe next time.  Now you are stuck, this is the cycle she is setting for you.  She comes home once a week smelling like a bum's nutsack and shows up with smeared lipstick and mascara but you cannot dare ask questions.

You will become the beta-male to her.  She will view you in the light that she can run all over you because this is her pattern.  You've heard about it from her past relationships.  You've seen it with your own eyes in your own relationship but now you are "staying for the kid".  Don't do that!  Be there for the kid, handle your responsibility, but you don't have to stay in a relationship where the woman is sharing her vagina with every stranger that tells her that she looks pretty.  People do not change in a matter of a few months.  You can't murder 10 people on a Wednesday and then say on a Friday that you are no longer a murder because you took Thursday off.  The same principle here.  If you stay and allow this pattern to happen you will look at yourself in the mirror in 5 years, see that you've wasted your primetime of life, see that you've not aged 5 years but more like 15 years, you'll have bags of sadness hanging below your eyes from the your incessant crying, you'll see the lines of anger burrowed permenantly across your forehead, and then you'll ask "What the hell have I done with my life?  It's gone!!"  You will know that in your heart that she isn't being faithful to you.  You'll know that she has a guy or two on the side not because she is a typical woman but because of her past patterns.  She'll want to keep you around not out of love but because you help take care of the kids, you provide for her, and your name is on the lease.  You will notice as time goes by that the two of you are less intimate with each other.  You might be having sex once or twice a month, at best, because she is getting her pleasure from all the strangers while you sit at home masturbating with your own tears. 

Don't let this happen, get out now.  You should've never done it anyway.  You should've known better, but it's too late now, what's done is done but you can still leave.  Sure you will forever have that connection of a child with her but you don't have to tie yourself to her as a mate.  Maybe one day you can be friends, maybe not but either way take care of your responsibility and go out there and find some happiness.  Do a better vetting process with the next girl.  Don't pick up the next girl you meet at the bar or if you do, don't plan a relationship with her unless you want this same pattern to reoccur.  Find someone who loves you, who is commited to you, who doesn't have a past filled with 100 one night stands and if she does make sure a sufficient amount of time has passed. 

And another thing, this can go for women dating man-whores.  Ladies, if you are dating a man who has been a serial-one-night offender and/or cheater, then you must leave immediately.  If he has been out plowing through skanks while you sit at home pregnant or watching the kids in the past, then he probably still is or will again.  Everything I said about the woman in the above paragraphs can be completely reversed and replace the male and female roles. 

But then again, my friend, perhaps she has changed.  Perhaps she is done with that crazy nightlife filled with strange men in seedy motel rooms with copious amounts of lube and methamphetamines.  And perhaps a three-headed alien will fly down on a fire-breathing unicorn from Planet Kolob wearing the skin of a panda bear shouting racial slurs.  It could happen. 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Why Romney is Not the Answer: Part 2 - RomneyBot No Like Gay Marriage

Many people are still on the fence about the upcoming election. Luckily for you, I am here. I want to guide you into making the right decision for you and your beliefs. I certainly won't tell you who to vote for. I simply want to get the facts out to my readers and the most efficient way to do it is to focus on one candidate at a time and as of right now, Mittens Romney is the target...err, I mean subject. In my previous post, (which you can find here) I explained Romney's position on medical marijuana. However, through careful research I actually learned more than just his position on keeping marijuana illegal but his support for dangerous synthetic marijuana known as "Spice" and his support and financial interest in addictive painkillers. But now it's time to move forward and learn more about our friend, Mittens. Let's see how he feels about homosexuals and their rights. Come on, it'll be fun!!

 

Unless you've been living in solitary confinement for the past couple of years, you know that the issue of gay marriage is a huge hot button topic for politicians to play with. Mittens is certainly no stranger to the notion of "playing" with the topic. Romney not only has played with the topic of gay rights but he has literally played the gay community. In 1994 when a young Romney was running for the Senate seat in Massachusetts, he seemed to be a Republican champion of gay rights. (I know it's a complete definition of oxymoron, right?) He wrote a letter to the Log Cabin Republicans outlining how important he believed gay rights to be and for proof here are some excerpts or for the full text click here :







  • As a result of our discussions and other interactions with gay and lesbian voters across the state, I am more convinced than ever that as we seek to establish full equality for America's gay and lesbian citizens

  • If we are to achieve the goals we share, we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern.

  • I think the gay community needs more support from the Republican Party and I would be a voice in the Republican Party to foster anti-discrimination efforts






See?  It's pink.  How clever of Mittens.
Believe it or not, these are real things that Romney said. Allow me to blow your mind a little more. During the 2002 Pride Week gathering in Massachusetts, Romney's crew of propaganda spreaders passed out flyers in support of the gay community. Mittens played it to the gay community that he was truly for them and their rights to life, liberty, and a fabulous time.  Now keep in mind, never in this time did he come out and say he was for or against gay marriage...exactly.  He eluded to his oppositon of it a lot and was even okay with the whole civil ceremony thing and domestic partnership.

Now I've told you all this and I left it at that you would probably think, "Mittens seems to be okay with the gay community.  What's you deal, Sleepy?  Why are you picking on poor Mittens?"  Well, because this position of good times and "full equality" didn't last.  Surprise!!!  A politician didn't keep his word!! 

In a 2008 interview with Chris Matthews on his show "Hardball",  Romney was asked where he stood on gay marriage and civil unions, an answer we all probably already knew but it was fun to ask.  Romney's response was a little more than what was expected, "Well, I would rather have neither, to tell you the truth. I'd rather that domestic partner benefits, such as hospital - hospital visitation rights for same-sex couples. I don't want civil unions or gay marriage.  But there is a difference, even when just the word is the difference. And the difference is that, if you indicate as a society that you're indifferent between a same-sex couple marrying and a heterosexual couple marrying, then it means our schools and other institutions are going to have to indicate that there is no difference whatsoever, and that obviously has societal consequences that are important."  Wow!!!  So now Romney is not only afraid of gays marrying, he's also afraid of them having a civil union.  He's terrified that kids in school will be to dumb to understand and the underpaid teachers will not be able to articulate the difference between gay marriage and hetero-marriage.  Oh dear God on planet Kolob, what will we do?!?!? 

So obviously there was a shift in Romney's ideology or he was full of shit to begin with.  How can one going from a champion of gay rights to a regular run of the mill, narrow-minded homophobe?  Well, it's one of two things in my opinion.  Number one, he never believed in gay rights to begin with and was only pandering to the homosexual community in Massachusetts.  Or number two, he found out from the Supreme Overlords of the GOP that gay rights will not be tolerated if he wants to be president. I think it's probably a healthy dose of both.  He has made sure to keep very consistent with his stance on gay marriage over the past few years...almost as if he is memorizing words from a script.  "Marriage is between a man and a woman...I do not support gay marriage"  He says these things in such a monotone, almost robotic manner it makes me question his humanity.  If you listen or watch closely when Romney is introduced to a hot topic like gay marriage or marijuana laws, you can see him almost shift into Romney-bot mode.  He is lost for his own words and reverts back to the GOP script handed to him by one of Dick Cheney's satanic minions.  Here is a great example: 
 
                                                                                           
I'll let you catch your breath from the uncomfortable laughter that probably just spewed from your soul.  Once Romney figured out the hard-grizzled veteran was a man-loving homosexual, he switched to Romney-bot mode.  He restated his weak stance, smiled and walked away as quickly as possible.  If you watched the video from the first Romney blog when he talked to the medical marijuana patient, you'll notice that he did the same exact thing.

It is clear that when it comes to any social issues that Romney does not have any clear personal opinions, he is strictly towing the GOP party line. 

Ok, so I've presented a couple of examples and you're probably thinking, "So is that it?"  Nope I wanted to share a quote from his failed 2008 Presidential bid too and see if you, dear reader, could take away what I did from it.  "My view on marriage has been entirely consistent over my political career. And that is that I oppose same-sex marriage. I also oppose civil unions . . . ever since [same-sex marriage] became a prominent feature in my state, with the decision of the Supreme Judicial Court, I have taken every action that I could conceive of within the bounds of the law to defend traditional marriage and to stop same-sex marriage . . . I've been to Washington to testify in favor of traditional marriage. I've written a letter to every U.S. senator on the topic . . . I believe that traditional marriage is right for the nurturing and development of children" 

To me it is always curious when I see such strong language used when opposing gay marriage.  In his mini-tirade, Mittens states that he took every action that he could concieve to stop gay marriage.  Now why is this?  Well, I always like to fantasize that people who talk like that are hiding something.  Is there some illicit past rendezous in Mitten's past that he is ashamed of?  Is he scared that perhaps if gay marriage is enacted that he will be enticed to leave Mrs. Romney and marry Marcus Bachmann?  Or as Joe Rogan has stated on his podcast before when talking about people like Romney or Santorum, that "maybe they are terrified that dicks are delicous"?  I'm not sure but I would never fight an issue that had nothing to do with me.

I could understand if politicians were trying to ban free speech.  If there was no free speech I certainly couldn't be doing what I'm doing here.  I would be arrested and thrown into Guantanamo Bay.  I would fight that tooth and nail.  Or if a law was trying to get passed that had some deep-seeded issue that could really effect my soul like...well, I don't know because I'm pretty open about everything.  That's why it is so curious to me why these politicians fight issues that in no way can personally effect or harm them or any of their followers.  I'm kind of in line with Rogan on this one, perhaps they are scared that if homosexuality becomes too widely accepted that they will be enticed into succumbing to their desires and go down on the first man that they see. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Playing with Mittens: Romney's Word Salads

I've scoured the internet for at least 10 to 15 minutes to find some great quotes from my personal antihero, Willie Mittens Romney, and then made them more fun with pictures....because, come on everyone loves pictures right?

From Great Leaders, we get great leadership
whatever that happens to be.  What was it again?


Well of course they are, my best friends Mr.
Microsoft and Mrs. Halliburton hang all
the time
 
 



He knows exactly what the ladies need.
Plus he knows that we need a big increase
in our population...duh!!

 
I just love his compassion...he really gives a shit

 
These are the words that all great bosses live by
Ok, so he didn't directly say this, but he has
implied it with his continued support for
synthetic marijuana aka "Spice"
which has made people eat their dogs.
Lastly, my favorite...Mitten's greatest verbal achievement.  A clusterfuck of words culminating in a nonsensical word salad
 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Why Romney is Not the Answer (part 1): Mittens & Marijuana

I was asked recently who or how I was going to vote this coming November. I say asked but I feel it was along the lines of being baited. Although I disagree with a lot of what Obama has done in his 3 1/2 years in office, I certainly do not see Mittens Romney and Paul Ryan being the answer to any problems. If we were looking to compound problems then I would say "absolutely, these are the men for the job" but we are trying to look at making things better.

I believe that Obama, like many other 2 term presidents, will be more likely to make positive changes for the country in his 2nd term. I have a theory on this and yes it is ridiculous but stick with me (metaphors work, dammit). Obama went after the job of president, for what I believe, with the best intentions. He talked about "hope and change" and he seemed to be more of a "one-of-us" type presidents. He was charismatic and gave us all hope that a president was going to get in there and change the game. But then something happened, I believe when a newly elected president is put into office he is breifed on the fact that he is going to function as a puppethead with no real control over anything. He was taken to an underground bunker decorated with goatheads, illuminati imagery, and pentagrams made up of the limbs of virgins. In this bunker, he was seated at a long table constructed of the bones of fallen dictators and is introduced to strange shadowy figures in red robes sewn together with the ligaments and hairs of orphans. These figures were introduced to Obama, via an unseen ominous voice, as the Order of the Red Robes also known as the "real" leaders of the country. No names are exchanged but they are identified and called upon by type of business they run. There is the Red Robe of Big Pharma, the Red Robe of Big Tobacco, the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex, the Red Robe of Finance, and Dick Cheney. The Red Robes told Obama all the wishes that they had. They told him how he was going to advance their causes and continue filling their pockets just as Bush had done before him. When Obama refused, they directed his attention to the video screen that was showing a continous loop of the Zapruder film of the JFK assassination. "He refused us one time too many, Mr. Obama" said the Red Robe of the Military Industrial Complex. And with that Obama has been forced ever since to follow the wants and desires of all the corporate entities of America...or at least the ones with the most money. Obama the puppethead, however, will recieve a repreive if he pleases the Red Robes and be blessed with a victory in his reelection campaign. The reins will be loosened on Obama and he will actually be allowed to get the things done that he wanted all along.

And then again, that is probably all a bunch of bullshit. However, it's probably not too far off because never has it been more obvious that a president has no control as it has been with Obama. Most everything he has done since in office has been influenced by the corporations. Which brings me to this, if Obama was as independent and charasmatic as he was before taking office and seemingly uninfluenced by corporate greed, "What the hell would happen if a corporate whore like Romney took office?" He would greet the theoretical Order of the Red Robes as old friends. His interest is their interest. His beliefs are their beliefs. Romney and Ryan are dangerous and as long as they would play along in the corporate game, they would be allowed to play their own game with their own agendas. So even though I realize that who the President is doesn't matter due to the lobbyists and corporations playing the puppetmaster, I fear the social reprecussions of a possible Mittens' Regime. As always, I would never state an opinion without some backup support and good solid logic. I present to you Part 1 of 5 reasons (as dictated by me) NOT to vote for Mittens/Ryan 2012.

1. Romney has Blatantly Uninformed Views/Beliefs in Marijuana.

I know, I know. You're probably saying "typical hippie shit, he's going to talk about weed now". Well, yes and no. Watch the video I've posted here, I'll wait for you. Ok, did you watch it? Disgusting/hilarious right? First, he asks the guy if he has tried any of the synthetic marijuana, as if synthetics are a safe and viable option. If you don't know about synthetics please feel free to click here   I'll wait again, because there is an obscene amount of articles just on this one legitimate news site about the dangers of synthetic marijuana. Did you read any of them? I hope you didn't just now, I would rather you read the rest of my article first but I insist you go back and read some of this later. For those uninformed about synthetics, let me explain. Perhaps many of you have heard of bath salts, well synthetic marijuana, often known as "spice" or "incense", is the smokable equivalent. Many users of synthetic marijuana have been hospitalized with psychosis. Did you hear about the guy who ate his 40 lb. dog ?  Guess what? He had been smoking "Spice". So Mittens suggests to this already obvious sick young man that to allieviate his pain, perhaps he should smoke some shit that will make him want to eat a puppy. After the young man explains to him that it makes him sick and that marijuana is the ONLY medicine that works on his pain, Mittens simply replies "I don't support medical marijuana" and pulls the move of being "distracted" by another person. It's some of the grossest behavior I've seen exhibited by a politician.
It made me curious as to what Mittens' other thoughts might be on marijuana and here is what he had to say in a May 2012 interview with ABC. 
"I believe marijuana should be illegal in our country. It is the pathway to drug usage by our society, which is a great scourge -- which is one of the great causes of crime in our cities. And I believe that we are at a state where, of course, we are very concerned about people who are suffering pain, and there are various means of providing pain management.....I'm told there is even a synthetic marijuana as well that is available. But having legalized marijuana, in my view, is an effort by a very committed few to try and get marijuana out into the public" 
 
 It's a long quote, I know, but there is that reference to synthetic marijuana again. Man he is really into that "Spice" huh? He also makes reference to other pain management sources. Would you like to know what the most popular medicines are for pain management? Hydrocodone, also known as Loratab or Vicodin, which just so happens to be the #1 prescribed medicine in America and also the #1 most abused prescription drug. Check out this Forbes article discussing the issue hereSo Mittens would rather this young man take a highly addictive drug that is responsible for at least 400 deaths per year plus countless patients developing liver failure due to overuse while keeping in mind that marijuana contributes an average of 0 to 1 deaths per year and has no ill-effects on the mind nor the bodies' organs? Sounds a little illogical to me.
But why would Mittens be so against marijuana and so for prescription painkillers and synthetic marijuana? As far as Mittens' obsession with "Spice", I don't know. Perhaps he is ill-informed or perhaps he finds it hilarious when people eat puppies, who am I to say? As far as the prescription painkiller obsession goes, I can say something solid about that. Mittens is a savvy investor and money manager; this is well-known. Romney knows where to put his money (off-shore accounts for instance), in fact, he is a large investor in the company Watson Pharmaceuticals. Watson produces numerous beneficial medicines, but one of their most popular happens to be Loratab, which as we discussed a moment ago, is in the group of the #1 prescribed and abused drug in America. Could that be a possible motive for Mittens? Seems like it to me. The reason Romney would never approve medical marijuana is because it would interfere with his personal bottom-line. Not only that but the total amount of donations from big pharmaceutical companies such as Watson to the GOP has been nearly double than that donated to Democrats over the last 18 years. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/graphic/2009/01/08/GR2009010800559.html) So I think it is safe to say that Romney is pretty dedicated to keeping his pharmaceutical buddies happy.
 
Marijuana poses a threat to painkillers. The studies of the positive effects of marijuana are numerous. Just check out www.imarijuana.com for proof. I know that the name of the site is a little shady and doesn't ring credibility but it is the easiest to navigate and it draws it's information from credible sources such as Harvard, the National Cancer Institute, and numerous respected doctors and scientists. I encourage anyone who reads this to do your own research on the subject, God knows I have, because I don't want people going forth in the world spouting out secondhand information. I want everyone to be informed and armed with knowledge. I'm not sure if Mittens is informed or not, but with his suggestions of the use of synthetic marijuana it leads me to believe he is a dipshit when it comes to these matters. Romney has no real concern for the American public when it comes to drugs, he has a selfish concern, but not an "overall-well-being" concern. If he truly cared then he wouldn't allow his bottomline and lobbying interests interfere. Hopefully one day he will take a logical look at studies conducted concerning marijuana and its benefits, but until then I guess he will keep going with promoting addictive prescription painkillers and puppy-eating synthetic marijuana. Please make sure to check out the rest of the series as it comes out.  Also go like my page on Facebook and subscribe to this page as well.  And hey, these advertisments are there for your pleasure.


Friday, July 6, 2012

A Christian Psychic in a Crystal Store Fortells My Demise

This isn't quite an official part of my Travelouge, but rather a snipit from last night that was too good not to write about. 

So last night Katie and I ventured our way through the desert to Palm Springs to see the giant Marylin Monroe statue.  My hopes were to see if I could look up her dress and see the glory but alas it was nothing more than colorless concrete.  (Does this mean that Ms. Monroe's lady garden was nothing glorious but rather a dry hard place forboding of all men?)  It just so happened however that there was some sort of giant street fair going on all around the statue up and down the main strip of Palm Springs.  We looked at it as a fortunate experience because we were in dire wanting some activity. 

The street was lined with an assortment of people of all different sorts.  Dolly Parton's methed-out twin sister sold me a necklace made of carved cow bones.  A failed Romanian gymnast sold Katie some crab earrings and a cobra bracelet.  An angry Armenian sold me the greatest pair of sunglasses ever (picture to come in the future when I'm at a computer that isn't from 1983).  Two 6'3 drag queens roamed the streets soliciting people for pictures at $10 a pop.  It was great, it was everything I wanted out of a California experience.  Live music, "You Got Served" style dance-offs, and strange market foods abounded everywhere but one of the most unique experiences was yet to come. 

As we made our way down the strip, we came across what I called a "Hippie Crystal Chakra Shop" which sold healing crystals, dreamcatchers, little Bhudda insence burners, tarot cards, unicorn meat, and every other sort of thing you would associate with crystal hippies.  We went in because, although I don't believe in any of that nonsense, I still find it fascinating.  In the middle of a store sat a bald man adorned in crystals and what looked like a discarded Guess shirt bought or found at a Goodwill store.  He was advertised as a "Psychic as seen on TV".  It didn't list what TV show he was on, but it also didn't discount the fact that it could've been on public access. 

I don't put much, if any, faith in psychics.  I find that they usually are just really good at reading people based on posture, facial expressions, and leading questions.  Sometimes they get lucky and sometimes they are able to lead the follower into giving up all the information to make an informed decision.  Katie wanted to see what he was all about.  She begged for like 10 minutes and I finally said "Fine, see what he says."  The guy worked off of "donations" so there was no set price for his services, so I figured what's the harm.  We walked over to the little man after he had finished with what appeared to be a happy customer and Katie asked him for his services.  He agreed but told me that I could not be present and that perhaps I should take a walk.  I smiled, rolled my eyes and strolled around looking at all the self-help books and pictures of the Dhali Lama. 

Katie sat with the man for about ten minutes and she came and found me when she was done.  As she approached me it looked as if a ghost had just took a crap down her throat.  "What?"  I asked.  She proceeded to tell me all that he fortold.  He told her that she could ask him three things of her choosing and no more.  It could be done in the form of a question or simply a name.  Katie didn't want to give him too much to work with so she kept it simple and said, "My husband."  The little man with the crystals and the Goodwill Guess shirt told her that I have cancer and that he regreted to tell her that I would not survive.  Now this, I hate to admit, did kind of hit home because as some of you may know I've had cancer in the past and beat it and as it stands today, I'm awaiting some test results that will tell me if I have multiple myeloma which they suspect.  I'm not worried about it because that is not really my nature but it does cross my mind and it worries Katie to death. 

Katie was floored at this man's response about me and she said, "Holy f**king shit!!"  He was taken aback by that and told her not to say that as he was a Christian and he promptly prayed her misgivings away before proceeding.  She then asked about our children and somehow he nailed them down to a "t".  He told their ages and even knew that our oldest child was her step-child.  Pretty trippy stuff.  He told her that they would be fine after I'm gone and that they would "get over it in time."  She then asked about herself, would she be okay and would she be alone forever.  The crystal Christian psychic man told her that she would feel near death after I died but would recover with the help of her father (whom she is very close to) and our children and would eventually be with someone who is already in our lives.  Which my interpretation was that she was going to start dating one of my friends dammit!!  Murphy is my one single friend so I guess that means, "Murphy, you better be good to my wife when you marry her after I die." 

So Katie told me all of this through tears and confusion.  I don't know what to really think of it so I've decided that I'm going to put this psychic to the test.  Today I'm going back, dress in a nice button up shirt, not wear a hat, and just look totally different and see if I get the same fortelling.  Katie will not be with me, of course, for I fear that it would be a dead give away.  I will let everyone know by the end of the California day whether or not I'm going to die or not. 

On the bright side of things, whether or not my prediciton of death holds up, I'll be going to the Comedy Store tonight to see two of my favorite comedians, Marc Maron and Sam Tripoli.  I'll look at it as a nice dying wish or a good victory. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy, Day 3: Xanax and Conning your way to 1st Class

If you are reading this then you already know that I'm in California and I'm attempting to document as much as possible through the blog, so this introduction is probably redundant.

When I last left you, dear reader, we had settled in to a "hooker-free" hotel much to the relief of my lovely wife.  We settled into the Grand Plaza or something of that nature.  The night was mainly spent not sleeping and worrying about whether we would wake up on time for our flight.  Luckily for us, we spent the whole night sweating and lying awake so when 5:30 AM rolled around we were ready to go.  We rushed out to meet the shuttle at 7:30 to make our flight and head to Hartsfield Jackson Airport. 

I don't believe I mentioned this tidbit of information earlier but my wife is absolutely terrified of flying.  It's not a small fear, it's more of a soul-crushing, tears flowing, vomit inducing fear.  The moment that we stepped of the shuttle bus at the airport my wife went into full-blown panic mode.  Thousands of people were rushing to their flights and to security with ease and confidence...not Katie.  No, she was rushing to find where she had shoved her "flying pills" or as they are better known, Xanax.  Before I tell you this might I say that if I took only one Xanax I would be completely incompacitated for the next 8 to 10 hours.  I would be lying in a puddle of my own drool while being stepped over by all the other alert air travelers. Katie, my dear panicked wife, she pulls out not one but two Xanax's and throws them down her throat.  Now take note that we have only arrived at the airport and there is still security to go through and the security line is seemingly a mile long. 

As we are standing in line, the Xanax takes hold.  Katie goes completely goofy-eyed.  I spend the next 45 minutes nudging her along through security and apologizing for her complete lack of coordination.  Luckily we make it through and get to our gate unscathed and undetained.  I kept waiting for the hammer to fall and be yanked out of line for suspected human trafficking.  I could just imagine the invasive full body search that awaited me and how no one would listen that I wasn't trying to smuggle my wife but that she was just really nervous and had taken too many "flying pills".  But alas, I made it with my dignity in tact.  I thought that we were homefree when we made it to our gate but I did not count on the fact that we would be flying across country with my in-laws.  I can get along fine with them but Katie and her mother are a different story.  They love each other like bin Laden loved America. 

A verbal argument immediately ensued the moment that they saw each other.  As their voices grew louder and the name calling got deeply more nasty, my fear once again grew of the TSA tackling one us and dragging us away to some dank room and stripping us naked.  I've learned that in these situations that all I can do try to be a voice of reason, but if you know of anything dealing with in-laws and your spouse there is no reason or logic.  Only my wife and her parents have the unique ability to argue while under the influence of a benzo.  I finally got everyone involved to shut up and seperate.  We would be sitting on the plane in two totally different sections and the worries should end there.

We boarded and found our cramped quarters in coach as the in-laws sat in First Class, which to my surprise wasn't all that great to begin with.  The main difference in my opinion was the fact that two people sat to a row rather than three and the flight attendant seemed to care about their well-being a little more...oh that and free booze.  Free booze would've been a God-send back in coach.  I could not get my first nerve calming alcoholic beverage fast enough.  My nerves weren't shot due to the anxiety of flight but rather the tension of witnessing a verbal assault and then trying to get three children settled in to their seats while finding all of their headsets and video games.  As I was nervously awaiting a strong drink, I looked up to first class and noticed with envy that my mother in law was already sipping on her first Chardonnay.  Damn you coach and your slow booze slinging flight attendants!!  When I finally got a chance to order a drink I made sure to go ahead and make an "anticipatory order".  God forbid I run out of alcohol and have to wait another 10 minutes.  So I ordered some Merlot and three shooters of vodka, enough to last through the next 4 hours I hoped.

As I settled in with my first glass of wine, I felt that things were starting to calm down.  I put my earbuds in to listen to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.  I was set...until I looked over at my wife.  Somehow she had turned an odd shade of green and was desperately looking for a "barf bag".  As any good husband would do, I first pretended not to notice her and continued listening to my iPod and went to sleep.  Ok, ok, I didn't do that.  I tended to her needs and actually talked her mom into giving up her First Class seat to Katie so that she would have some more room to breathe.  The combination of fear, anxiety, motion sickness, and "flying pills" I fear became too much for her to bear.  She spent the next 3 1/2 hours puking with the First Classers while I sat crammed with my kids and a nice Asian man in coach. 

I found later that she chilled out enough to stop being sick and was able to enjoy her flight.  But I wonder now as I write this, "Was this just her big plot to be able to sit in First Class all along?"  If so, may I just say, "Well done Katie, well done."

Check back tommorrow or later today for Part 2 of day 3 when we actually got to California and experienced the decadence of Hollywood. 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Strange Travelogue of Sleepy Day 1 & 2: A sea of Estrogen & the Fortelling of the Apocalypse in a McDonald's Bathroom

As per the usual I'm off on a summer vacation with my wife and kids....and in-laws.  I wanted to document the travels day by day and see how the weirdness stacks up.

California.  A destination of dreams for me for pretty much the last 31 years of life and if you're counting that would mean basically since I came screaming out of my mother's stomach in 1981.  Everything that I'm interested in and care about when it comes to entertainment and music comes from California.  So it was to my absolute delight that I found that this years vacation would be to the glorious previously unvisited by me California.

A lot of build up has been leading to this trip, a lot of hassle, a lot of near cancelations, but come as of this past Thursday it was absolutely set into concrete with no turning back.  To avoid extra money and hassle, my wife and I decided to fly from Atlanta instead of our home base "airport" of the Tri-Cities.  Somehow it was an extra $300 per ticket to fly from there?!?!  So on Thursday, after what seemed like 2 straight days of packing, we set out for the 4 hour drive to Atlanta where we were planning on staying with my mom who lives down there before flying out.

As with any good and proper road trip there are always fun little stories that happen along the way and this was one without exception.  As we made our way into North Carolina we decided that we were hungry and stopped off at the fabulous McDonalds of whatever God-forsaken area we were in.  I'm not a fan of the place but it was the only offer of any "food" substances within several miles.  After choking down the chicken paste that had been formed into fun-sized nuggets, I made a trip to the bathroom to avoid any further unnecessary stops in our trip.  My visist to this magical McDonald's made the entire drive worth it for me when I overheard the following exchange between two gentlemen around the age of dead dressed in what I figured was either their Sunday best or their Anticipatory Funeral Uniform.

Man #1:  I tell you John, the end is drawing nigh for this whole world.  I jest feel it.

Man #2 (John, I presume):  No doubt brother, make no mistake about it.  God has had about enough of this nonsense.  I feel his holy wrath will be upon us any day now.  We're living in a modern day Sodom and Gommorah.

Man #1:  Yessir, did you see that girl at the register with her nose pierced and that tattoo on her arm?  Looked like one of Satan's harlots if you ask me and you could see it in her, not one bit of shame in her heart for it.  Ain't gonna be no pierced noses or tattoos in the heaven I'm goin' to.

John, I guess?:  Amen brother, amen!!  Well I guess I'll see you in church Sunday?

Man #1:  You better believe it!!

It was all I could do to contain my laughter while hiding away in the stall listening to this exchange.  Old people are hilarious.  The way they think and judge people just tickles me with delight.  I just hope the world doesn't end on them before they can meet up on Sunday again.

Anyway the rest of the drive to Georgia was pretty uneventful and we arrived at around 10:30pm that evening at my mom's house.  Katie was not ready for sleep and I was up for whatever as well, our flight didn't leave until Saturday so we had all of Friday to rest and visit.  So I did what any good and brave husband would do, I took Katie to the midnight opening of "Magic Mike" the Channing Tatum/Matthew McCounaghey stripper movie.  For some reason she has a thing for men with perfectly chiseled bodies that can dance, which does leave some concern for me since I can't dance. 

Anyway we got the tickets and the theater was packed for the grand premiere of this movie.  I didn't mind to see it because I heard that it at least had a story line worthy of not falling asleep to.  When we arrived it was a pure sea of estrogen, nothing but wall to wall teenage to middle age girls and women all excited and squealing.  I knew this was coming but I love my wife lady and didn't mind.  When we made it to our seat I decided to do a "man" head count.  By my scientific count, including myself, there was a total of 8 men in the entire theater of roughly 342.  Eight!!  And of that eight, I was fairly sure that at least four of them were there for the same reason Katie and the other 334 females were there for...Tanning Chatum (yes I know it's wrong but no one ever corrects me when I say it out loud and it's funny to hear women agree with me).  The movie, suprisingly enough, was pretty good.  It wasn't completely about well built men shaking their balls in women's faces, it wasn't all about younger men dry humping questionably attractive women on stage, no there was more to it.  No the two stars of the show for me where the vomit eating pig and the pot dealer who (unseen in the film) that apparently kept McCounaghey high as a kite throughout the entire movie to the point where he had trouble stringing together more than one coherent sentence at a time. 

I was glad to say that I felt that 90% of the women who attended this premeire left unsatisfied.  They never got to see Tanning Chatum's frank and beans, it was kind of a weird artsy film, and there was a big shot of McCounaghey's backsack.  An audible groan eminated the entire theater when it simply ended without resolution while the loan sound of laughter came roaring out of me followed by many dirty looks from teenage girls who snuck in. 

We went back to my mom's house in the suburbs after that at about 2:30 in the morning and prepared for our ultimate departure on Saturday.  If anyone has ever flew out of Atlanta, they can tell you that getting to and parking at that airport can be a nightmare that not too many people would dare choose to inflict upon themselves.  We were trying to figure every which way out of it that we could and finally my dad offered to the solution of staying at a hotel near the airport and just riding the shuttle into the airport directly.  Great idea, right?  In theory yes.

In case you didn't know, dear reader, that airport hotels are made for two things:  travelers and hookers.  Hooker's love to stay at these hotels because the theory is that most of these travelers are lonely businessmen traveling around the country in need of some no strings attached loving.  My dad is a frequent traveler but didn't really know about this particular hotel that he booked for us.  As we were driving to the airport, we crossed a bridge and noticed a very attractive girl with her skirt hiked up above her ass with a man digging his hands into it.  "Ahh, don't worry Katie.  It's just a hooker."  I told my wife.  Well, upon arriving at the Hampton Inn we discovered that it was more along the lines of Hooker Inn.  I was almost immediately accosted by a larger, unattractive woman of undetermined race/ethnicity and told that I could have her for the price of a mere $200.  I explained in the kindest of words, no.  Katie must have heard this same woman as she was waiting for me in the car as she explaining aloud to her friends, "I'mma bout to go pop my thing up in Room 408 and gets me about $200 tonight, girl"  This was all that Katie needed to hear.  As I was inside checking in, I was unaware that Katie was on her cell phone making other plans at a nicer hotel.  By the time I got to the car, it was done.  No more Hooker Inn, we were off to the Grande Plaze which we were guaranteed was "Hooker-Free". 

Check in tommorrow for the next installment where I'll tell you about the Airport Hell, Xanax Flight Assistant, and finally cruising Hollywood.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

"Support DUMB, Save Straight Marriage" by guest writer Harry Axelrod


In my continuing effort to give an equal voice to people I disagree with, I’ve opened up my blog to another guest writer this week.  As most of us that have the ability to read already know, North Carolina and its voters have decided that they needed an amendment to protect people from marrying other people that they love…unless they are of the opposite sex.  It was perplexing to me only because I possess logic, intelligence, and have the ability to make rational decisions (and that is my burden to bear).  I wanted to hear from one of the supporters of the amendment but I didn’t just want it to be some random voter plucked off the street.  I wanted someone who was deep into the crevice of the fight to keep marriage straight.  I met with Harry Axelrod of the group, Protecting Marriage’s Sanctity, and asked him if he would like a forum.  I explained that my readers love to hear from different views and that I was sure that he would be welcomed with open arms.   Mr. Axelrod founded his group in 2001 when he first feared the possibility of gay people marrying and he is stationed out of Eureka, North Carolina.  So without further ado,  I present Harry Axelrod.

We dodged a bullet the other day America.  North Carolina and the rest of the great Southern states were under attack and we prevailed….for now.  The gays were trying to get married in our great state.  I know it sounds preposterous but it’s true.  Some of the liberal left will try to tell you that there is no harm in letting them marry.  They will say that it really shouldn’t bother anyone if gays marry.  Well I wanted to take this time and this opportunity to tell you why you should care and why gay men in love with other gay men getting married are dangerous.

Number one, and I think this is well known and obvious but I still need to address it, gay marriage will ultimately destroy the sanctity of marriage.  Why?  Because ultimately my marriage, your marriage, and every other church sanctioned man-woman marriage will be considered void.  And this is what the gays want.  They don’t want to marry each other out of the pure love for one another.  They don’t want to be considered equals and share their lives together like every other American citizen has the right to.  No, they want to make sure all of our REAL marriages are destroyed.  Just look at it.  Let’s say that Bobby is married to Peggy.  They have a white house with a picket fence, two children, and a dog.  They are America’s standard, but if gay marriage were legalized Bobby would leave Peggy, change his name to Roberto, wear earrings, and marry Joey the plumber and Peggy dies on an overdose of Xanax and Jim Beam and the children will have no parents.  That’s what the gays want to do to our beautiful institution of marriage.  Gays want to leave a trail of depressed dead women and orphans.

Number two, gays want to eradicate the human race.  It’s a well-known fact that gay people will only raise gay children (if they are allowed to marry and adopt) and that will just cause a further epidemic of gayness.  Pretty soon everyone will be gay-married, because the gay kids will marry one another, no one will be able to reproduce because there is no womb in a man’s rectum, and the human race will be extinct like the dinosaurs.  Gays are to the human race what premarital sex is to a promising future…you can’t have both.  And just think about it a little further, when no babies are being born, there will be no need for schools which will leave millions of unemployed teachers.  Gays hate teachers and education.  Gaydom is trying to tear down our society. 

I could easily list at least 985,987 different bullet points as to how gay marriage will thrust a hot poker of death in the anus of America, but I don’t believe you want to sit here and read that much.  I think that in your souls that you know that allowing two human beings who are in love with each other to enter into a committed union together is the last thing that our nation needs.  We need to stop it.  We don’t need to worry about unemployment, health care, social security, or national defense.  All of that will take care of itself once we stop gay people from marrying each other because as science (and by science I mean Pat Robertson and the late Jerry Falwell) tells us, gays are the reason for every bad thing that has happened to America…ever.  If we can eliminate gay marriage, we can ultimately break the will of all of these gays and turn straight in despair.  They will have no choice but to be straight once we deny them the right to marriage.  I know this because science also tells us that being gay is a choice, so if one can choose to be gay then they can choose to be straight as well.  So join me and my fellow members of PMS to march on Washington to demand that our bill for marriage protection be brought to Congress and Senate.  I have drafted a bill in my spare time between teaching kindergarteners that will ultimately put this gay marriage issue to rest.  It’s called Defending the Union of Marriage Bill or DUMB for short.  My bill, if passed or even considered, will make it a federal offense to even try to get gay-married, it will abolish all the so called “unions” granted by the devil states before, and it will rescue all the children adopted by the well to do, rich gay couples and place them in loving orphanages run by my wife, Lucy Axelrod.  We can save this country, we can all follow the steps of North Carolina and their progressive stance.  I urge you all to write your Congressmen and demand that PMS should be heard and that you support DUMB.  Thank you.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Duh, Duh, Da, Duh Dora: Breaking it down as an adult

I thought it was all over.  I thought I would never have to do it or see it again.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  I’ve had to reintroduce one of the worst soul-sucking, mind melting, and heart destroying elements of American culture back into my life…Nick Jr.  For those fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with what Nick Jr. is let me give a brief description for you.  Nick Jr. is a vortex of talentless “writers” and “creators” that couldn’t hack it in the real entertainment industry where they can display their sad attempt at cartoons/kids entertainment.  Nick Jr. is aimed towards the ages of 0 to 3 years.  They have shows that include giant elephant abortions such as Dora the Explorer, Wow Wow Wubbzy, Go Diego Go, Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, and Down’s syndrome Hyper Monkey Squad.  Ok, everything except the monkey show but I’m waiting on it to show up any day.  I thought once my now 4 year old discovered better more mature entertainment a year and a half ago that I would never have to watch this channel again.  I was relieved but wrong. 

I recently started watching my sister’s kids part time to help supplement some income.  I’ve affectionately dubbed our home daycare, “The Bearded Nanny”.  I don’t mind the kids so much except the crying, the diapers, and the poop art but I hate their TV viewing decisions more than any of that.  The 2 year old loves and I do mean loves all things Nick Jr.  Obviously she has no taste, because as she devoured her own boogers she happily watched an episode of “Dora the Explorer”.  To give you an idea of how ridiculous the show is I’m going to describe the entire episode in adult language.

Dora, a young precocious girl of an undetermined age, is venturing across the vast jungle/desert/carnival field with her talking monkey friend who wears red boots.  Dora has daily missions that are assigned to her from her various talking animal friends.  There is no sign of Dora’s parents anywhere.  Dora’s talking monkey friend, Boots, has decided that he wants to see his father because Dora was kind enough to dub the day, “Boot’s Special Day”.  We are reminded of this new holiday every 10 to 15 seconds as the talking monkey repeats the notion of his special day.  I’m not sure why Boots and his father are estranged but I’m sure as the episode progresses we may gain some insight to the situation. 

They start their journey in the middle of what appears to be a random field with a few sparse trees and grass.  Neither Dora nor Boots knows exactly where to find Boots’ father but luckily Dora has a magical talking map that jumps out of her magical talking backpack that can locate anyone or anything in the world only if you ask for it three times.  After Dora and Boots request the presence of the map three times, he jumps out of the backpack and sings a song.  The song is there to introduce you to him in case you missed the part of them repeatedly asking for him and the fact that he looks like a map with eyes and a mouth.  It is a simple song where he repeats his name over and over.  Through his advanced GPS technology, the map is able to locate Boots’ estranged father working in a carnival.  It is clear that there is an easier way of going around to get to the carnival but the map instructs them that they must travel through a jungle, past a desert, and magically back to a random field which is holding the carnival.  Dora and Boots follow the map’s odd directions, completely ignoring the easy route of simply going around all of these obstacles, without question.  To ensure that the directions are burned into their minds, the map makes sure to repeat the directions 3 times (he has a thing about the number 3). 

As Dora and her talking monkey friend begin their journey it is a beautiful ideal day with the sun shining brightly, a perfect day to find one’s estranged father if you ask me.  Dora decides that they should collect some special stars to guide them upon their way…in the middle of the afternoon.  As they trudge along they are able to capture 5 stars and trap them into her magical backpack.  The stars, which can also talk and appear to have minds of their own, willingly jump into the back pack without protest.  The first obstacle that befalls Dora and Boots is the thick jungle.  Dora curiously questions aloud to know one in particular, “Which path do you think will get us through the jungle?”  She waits about 4 seconds in silence and agrees with whatever the voice in her head told her and takes the path that is obviously not blocked with fallen trees.  As they trudge through the clear jungle path they come across a baby jaguar and its friend Diego.  We find out that Diego and Dora know each other and are probably related because Diego looks just like Dora in a different outfit and shorter hair.  Diego agrees to help Dora and the talking monkey through the rest of the jungle with the help of his own magical backpack.  Diego’s backpack doesn’t talk like Dora’s does but it does have the ability to turn into anything in the world.  Diego, like Dora, ponders aloud the question of “Which of these will help us get through the jungle?”  The choices presented for the invisible internal voice are a boat, a four-wheeler, or bobsled.  I’m not sure why Diego has to ask which one will work the best because it seems obvious that one could not bobsled through the trees nor could one paddle through the dirt.  Alas, Diego waits the standard 4 count moment of silence and figures out that the four-wheeler will be the obvious choice.  Diego helps Dora and Boots on to the four-wheeler which for some reason is equipped with seat belts (it must be some new or modified model or perhaps the magical backpack made it so).  The lazy Dora and Boots ride for what seems to be roughly 100 feet to the edge of the jungle to another grassy field and abandon the four-wheeler.  I find this rude not to return the four-wheeler back to Diego but I’m sure he could simply walk the extra 100 feet and get it himself.

Once they reach this new grassy field they are greeted by a Spanish speaking mole/mouse figure who seems troubled by something because he’s frantically yelling something in Spanish and waving his arms in the air.  Luckily Dora speaks Spanish and communicates with him.  It seems that the mole/mouse has lost his kite and expects Dora and the monkey to find it for him.  We are reminded that today is “Boots’ Special Day” and that the monkey needs to find his father to complete the specialness of it.  He is implying that there is not enough time to get this kite but Dora urges Boots to climb the tree where the kite is stuck so they can move along.  For his efforts, Dora gives Boots a banana.  The mole/mouse seems thankful because he says “gracias” (which through Mr. Bowden’s Spanish class, I am able to decipher that this means “thanks”).  Dora tells the mole/mouse that they have just braved their way through the jungle and are now in search of the desert.  The mole/mouse is not much help and points off into a general direction of a snow covered mountain next to a desert.  Once again Dora implores aloud, “Do you see which way the desert is?”  Apparently her internal voice tells her that obviously the path that leads to a bunch of sand is the way to go. 

Dora and her talking monkey friend with a special day make it through the desert obstacle course without much hassle.  They do, however, find it fun to let the stars out to help them count how many cactuses they see.  The stars are temporarily free of Dora’s magical backpack but once they are done counting the cactuses they fly right back into it rather than making a run for outer space.  We find that there are 8 cactuses in the entire desert which could be useful if you are ever traveling through and need to drink some of the sweet watery mescal that cactuses produce. 

As they approach the end of the desert, we can see the carnival off in the distance in a plush, grassy, green field.  Once again, Dora patronizes her monkey friend with a banana for his efforts of crossing the desert and counting cactuses.  When they hit the grass, Dora and Boots come upon an octopus playing with eight yo-yos.  It is never questioned as to why this aquatic animal is at the edge of the desert and a grassy field with no ocean in sight nor is it questioned as to why he is playing with 8 yo-yos.  As the octopus is offering Boots a brand new yo-yo for his “special” day, we hear a “swish, swish” sound.  The swish sound is obviously the indicator that something is awry in Dora’s fantasy land.  She warns no one in particular that it must be Swiper the Fox.  Swiper, as it is explained to us, is a sneaky, thieving fox who steals for no reason.  The viewer will also be able to tell that Swiper is evil because he wears a mask that only covers his eye.  Boots and the dry land octopus are keenly aware of the circumstances and hold all of their possessions close to their bodies.  Swiper appears out of the bushes and lunges towards the octopus from behind and steals a yo-yo.  Everyone is devastated and demand the prompt return of the stolen yo-yo.  The viewer is left to think that the fox will not go down without a fight but Dora shouts an incantation of “Swiper no swiping, Swiper no swiping” and renders the fox powerless as he is forced to hand over the stolen yo-yo to the octopus.  The octopus actually thanks the thief for returning his property and doesn’t even turn him into the authorities and is thus allowed to continue his stealing ways unpunished.  Since the octopus has been reminded 3 times that today is “Boots’ Special Day” he offers the monkey his first non-banana present of the day.  Boots gets a yo-yo which makes him break out into happy hysterics of screeching and acting like the monkey he is.  Dora quietly enjoys watching the talking monkey revert back to his natural animal self for a moment.

After receiving the yo-yo, Boots sees that his father is working away as a rollercoaster operator at the carnival.  He runs to his father in excitement, hugs him hard, and offers him a banana.  The estranged father seems oddly happy to see the son that he had abandoned and as a consolation for his absence he offers Boots a free ride on the rollercoaster that he operates.  It is probably out of guilt that he does this because Boots, as he has done all day when he meets someone, tells his father that today is his “special” day.  When they all got onto the loan rollercoaster car I wondered who would operate the rollercoaster since the father was along for the ride.  I didn’t have the foresight to see that the car that they were in would be a magical Spanish speaking car that could only be operated by shouting Spanish words at it.  After a short 5 second ride on the coaster, they all hooped off and had an impromptu singing and dancing party in celebration of this special day.

Now if you were able to read that whole story, aren’t you amazed at what cartoons are teaching our children?  A child and her talking monkey can go wondering about without any supervision through jungles and deserts.  It is okay to talk to strangers and accept gifts from them.  Stopping a thief is as easy as telling them to “stop” and there will be no repercussions for breaking the law.  And it’s easy to reconcile your parent’s abandonment with a banana and a rollercoaster ride.  Dangerous lessons indeed.  But I guess that is why Dora’s theme song goes along so well with the horrible themes of this show, “Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.  Duh, duh, da, duh Dora.” 
Maybe next time we can talk about Wubbzy's message of being a useless lazy member of society and how it makes you cool.