Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice Column Week 2

Hello, my name is Dr. Sleepy Dustin Elliott and I am here to answer all of your questions with pure, unabashed, manly logic.  I will tell you the truth as I see it and the way I see it is right.  I would never lie to you or exaggerate any sort of information.  I am a self-titled doctor and you can trust me on that.
I received great questions again but I didn’t want to strictly limit it to relationships this time so it will be slightly different...
Do people really lose their sex drive with age?  Can they go weeks or months without it?
This is what it feels and looks like
when a man has went without orgasms
for too long.
Unfortunately and sadly enough, they do.  I don’t see how this is possible but I know of many people who have said it’s true.  Stupid menopause, damn hormones, silly erectile dysfunction, and imaginary sex headaches; these all prevent sex or at least diminish it.  Even with all of that, I find it difficult to even imagine sex not being appealing. I think it is one of the greatest things on earth and I would never get tired of it.  But here’s the thing, if your partner has any of the above problems, you can tell them that orgasms and sex are two of the best remedies for those situations.  Sex and orgasms release endorphins and dopamine which make you happy, increase hormones, and can dull pain.  Orgasms are like mental penicillin; it’s a cure for all that ails you.  Like I’ve said before, it’s maintenance; you’ve got to get that stuff out of you.  If you keep all of those orgasms locked up, you are going to become irritable, grouchy, and self-hating.  And my logic is this; if you are going to get rid of those orgasms, shouldn’t you get rid of them with the person you are with rather than all by yourself?  It’s a terrible idea to go prolonged amounts of time without sex, even if it’s with yourself. 
I live with my girlfriend who is considerably younger than I am (yes, she is legal).  At first it was great but now her immaturity is really showing itself.  I want to ditch her but I feel bad about leaving her stranded like that.  What do you think?
See?  This girl is smoking hot
but she could easily ruin your
life with her dumb immaturity.
Look at the whole thing as a learning experience.  You should never live with a person that shows the least bit of immaturity.  No one ever really improves once you move in together, they simply get worse.  All of the annoying little things get exacerbated once you are in close quarters together.  I think people should only live together once they have enough space, like a home.  If you live in a studio apartment and you love you lady friend, then moving her in to that crappy 130 square foot flat is the last thing you want to do.  A couple needs space no matter how much they love on another.  I love my wife, but dammit I have to be able to have time to watch football, write, or scratch myself.  If we lived in a studio apartment that could never happen.  Every time I wanted to take a dump I would have her looking over my shoulder and beating on the door telling me to “Hurry up, I’ve got to dry my hair.  Jesus, could give a courtesy flush?  It smells like the Devil’s taint in there!!”  As long as a couple has their own space they can work out almost anything because when they are alone they can each hash their shit out.  He can think about what a douchy bastard he has been when he got mad for her  continually interrupting his game, and she can think about what a inconsiderate bitch she was when she kept interrupting his game.  See??  They can both look at their actions in different parts of the house, instead of having to be right on top of each other and wind up screaming in the same room.   But back to the point of dating an immature girl…STOP IT!!  I’m sure she is hot, but way younger, immature girls are not meant for dating, they are meant for hooking up.  Let them gain some life experience from other guys, let them ruin their lives, and wait for them to be good, ripe, and ready for something like a relationship.  Moving in with a person that you are unsure about is a guaranteed way to wind up hating them. 

I fight a lot with my parents (I’m 30) and don’t really want to go to their annual Christmas celebration.  Every year we all wind up getting mad at each other and someone always leaves with hurt feelings.  Should I feel obligated to go since they are my family?
If this is the image that you
conjure up when thinking about
Christmas with your parents,
perhaps you should think again.
No.  Sure it would be nice if you could get along and make a nice holiday, but what are the chances in that happening?  You’ve got to ask yourself, “When was the last good or even half way decent memory that I have with my parents?”  If it was over a year ago or so, then there is no real reason to hang out with them.  We are only on this planet for a special limited time, we do not get any more time, and this is it.  You cannot spend large swaths of your life being miserable if you can prevent it.  Some misery is unpreventable and inevitable, but some things can be avoided.  I try to avoid being around people that irritate me as often as possible.  If your folks insist on doing something for Christmas, tell them to meet at Waffle House or some delicious Chinese restaurant.  People feel less likely to cause a scene in a public place.  Can you really see your mom cursing your existence over a plate of Moo Goo Gai Pan and fried rice?  Can your dad belittle you with a giant pecan waffle smothered in butter and syrup sitting in front of him?  Of course you can, but at least out in public it can be a little quieter and some face can be saved when you get up and walk away from your angry disapproving parents and tell the eager, happy Chinese waitress lady, “Don’t worry, those are my parents.  They’ve got this bill.  Merry Christmas.” 

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