So I Finally Made a Reaction Video....

I've seen a ton of internet reaction videos over the years.  I've seen the videos that are being reacted to like "2 Girls 1 Cup", "Mr. Hands", "BME Pain Olympics" and etc.  They have all horrified me and disgusted me but perhaps none quite as bad as one that was recently shown to me by my friend "Smurphy Black" (I wanted to protect his identity).  I'm sure there are a lot of these videos out there and I don't give a damn if I ever see another one.  So I didn't want my own reaction on video (because I don't ever want to watch it again) so we had my wife and her friend Val take a look.  The reaction is great and then the running commentary that they made was even better.  What surprised me was the length of time that they watched it, Smurphy and I only made it like 45 seconds watching it, they made it like 8 minutes.  So here it is, watch if you want and yes there is filthy language in it because we are watching a filthy video.  Enjoy it!!

If you are interested in watching the orginal video, then there is something really wrong with first of all, but you can find it just by googling it.  But I really, really don't recommend doing that.

What the F@%K are We Listening To?

The title says it all but let me elaborate because just having a title would make for a pretty boring post.  My wife, who is not yet a seasoned, grizzled thirtysomething, went out dancing with some friends the other night.  It was her first time in something like two years and I didn't mind because if you ever saw me back in the late 90's/early 2000's then you know that I can't dance.  When you are almost 6'3 all of your "moves" seem to be accentuated and exaggerated, so when it is bad it is terrible.  I'm not one to let my own shortcomings prevent others from enjoying themselves so when she was invited by some friends I saw it as an opportunity to have some XBox/Netflix time to myself.  After a couple of hours, Katie (the wife lady) came home very distressed.  I didn't know what to think initially (possible roofie, overpriced drinks, skanks) but I just let her talk.  "I'm old." she said, "I don't know what the hell that music was and I don't know what kind of dancing that could possibly be."  She went on to tell me of a new dance or something called "the Clap" which, to the best of her understanding, included one girl in the middle of a circle shaking her ass while everyone in the circle of humans claps their hands in a "alligator-like" motion and tells the girl in the middle that they are giving her "the Clap".  When Katie heard this, she asked these 18-21 year olds why they were encouraging each other to get gonorrhea.  None of them knew what that meant.  All of this made me think, "What kind of music are we (not me) listening to today?  What sort of musical abortions are being pushed into the earholes of our youth?  Is there anything I can do to stop this tragedy?" 

I searched through the Billboard Hot 100 chart to find out what people are listening to and to hopefully try to help remedy it.  I picked out a few songs that could possibly lead to uncontrolable vomiting, violent bleeding from the ears, and spontaneous bowel release and then made an alternate suggestion.  My alternate suggestions are songs that are markedly better but in the same style or theme of the vomit-inducing song.  I see no need for people, in particular our youth, to be listening to songs that cause spastic bowels when there is so much out there.  The youth represents our future and we can't have them thinking Nicki Minaj is as talented as Aretha Franklin or that Lady Gaga is Madonna. 


Nicki Minaj - Va Va Voom

I don't necessarily mean to pick on this cartoon character but after listening to a couple of her songs, she deserves it.  This one in particular was my pick for best worst song of hers, but then again I only listened to three songs so I don't have a large pool to choose from.  (I'm sure there are worse, feel free to let me know)  Ok, so the quick break down on this song is that she is hanging out at different clubs looking for married guys that she can take home, make a sex tape with, and hopefully change their minds about being married.  No really, I read the lyrics to make sure.  I'm not judging, I don't care what she sings about really but it's the fact that it is sounds so preposterous and overproduced.  The singing parts sound overly autotuned but not in that obvious T-Pain style but rather in the way that you say, "Bet she doesn't sound like that live."  The rap parts are childish, if a child was trying to pick up a married man in a bar.  When she can't rhyme two words, she just makes a sound at the end of the second word to make it rhyme.  So if you are looking for a rap song about random sex and cheating (in which there are literally thousands) might I recommend instead....Naughty By Nature's  "O.P.P."

Sure there are the aforementioned thousands of rap songs about cheating and infidelity but none of them celebrated it quite like Naughty by Nature.  What they did was actually make a clear, catchy song that got the point across just as hard as Ms. Minaj but they included everyone in the equation and made it sound okay and like a party.  Women could cheat, men could cheat, and as long as everyone wore a condom then everything would be fine.  Another thing about this song is this, "Do you think anyone will remember Minaj's "Va Va Voom" in 20 years?  Nope, but everyone remembers "O.P.P."

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I'm not necessarily saying that this is a bad break up song but I am saying that she has built an entire career off of break up songs.  It has continually blown my mind that everyone keeps falling all over her songs.  You hear jokes about it on all the late night shows, the comedy podcasts, the panel shows, and entertainment blogs but yet still girls love her.  Why?  There are far more awesome break-up songs out there that can equally get your point across.  For this one I wanted to list more than one but I went with one that I still feel is one of the biggest burns ever dropped on an album and I'm a little ashamed to admit it....Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me a River"

I know there are more classic ones than this but for me this one was personal.  I haven't always been married and I lived with a girl for a few years in my early 20's and even created a child with her.  We are cool now but when we broke up back in the day, I listened to the shit out of this song.  It said everything I wanted to say to her.  And that's what I think makes for a good break-up song, it should convey all of your feelings and you should believe the singer means every damn word of it.  I just don't feel like Taylor Swift has been in a relationship long enough to even write a heartfelt song, so I disqualify her until she has a boyfriend for more than 6 months.  I'm not posting the videos for some of the others but I will list them with links because they are too good not to and they put Taylor Swift to shame.  In no particular order, Cee Lo - "Fuck You" , Cake - "I Will Survive" , and here is a list of the top 50, in which none of them are Taylor Swift songs, here. 

Fun. - We Are Young

I don't completely hate this song but I feel like they are kind of like a dramatic pseudo-boy band who listened to a lot of Queen.  This isn't necessarily a terrible song, it's really okay the first time or two that you hear it but then you hear it for the 427th time and it really irritates you and you start to make that connection that they are trying to fool you into liking them.  You won't immediately start bleeding from the ears but if you listen too much or too long you just might.  Instead, might I suggest that you listen to what they listened to and see which one you like better.  Queen had a lot of great songs but probably none more dramatic (Fun.) than "Bohemian Rhapsody".  Compare and contrast, if you will. 

I understand that they are completely different songs but the flare for the dramatic is definitely present and not only in this one Fun. song.  I checked out others and it seems to be a theme.  It's fine but I would rather go with Queen or maybe Pink Floyd.









will.i.am featuring Britney Spears - Scream & Shout

 I know that you think I'm getting ready to pick on Britney Spears don't you?  Well, a little but this venom is aimed more at will.i.am.  He is quite possibly the least talented, most annoying, most overexposed, bowel-twitching, pile of talentless shit that we have in American music now.  Need proof?  Ok, take out the little catchy beat of this song and listen to the words.  Or if you want to save your ears, I'll give you some of the super clever, well thought out lyrics ever put to paper that took will.i.am plus two other writers to come up with: 


"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh"

Yeah, it took a total of three writers to make that.  And yes, he is correct, I do want to scream and shout...in pain.  I imagine that this song is being played right now in an underground secret military bunker ran by the CIA holding terrorists in windowless cells in pitch darkness on cold wet concrete floors.  It is being pumped into their cells as punishment.  It is being used to break their will.  will.i.am might be the most important figure in the CIA.  Who knows the countless numbers of terrorists he has broken with his shitty music?  Thanks Willy, glad you are good for something.  My only stab at Britney is this, "Dear Britney, you are a hillbilly and no one is fooled by that terrible British accent."

If you are wanting to listen to a good collaboration between a rapper and a lady singer, I can give you better.  Hell, I imagine if Helen Keller were still alive she find you a better collabrotive song. However, I picked "Stan" by Eminem and Dido.  Listen to "Scream and Shout" and "Stan" back to back and I promise you will cry in sadness thinking about how will.i.am is so popular. 







I'm not shitting on all of modern music because there great bands and singers like the Black Keys, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, and many, many others.  But there are far too many terrible "artists" out there raping the music industry and sodomizing the ears of impressionable teens and early 20-somethings.  Please put a stop to it, and listen to something great today in protest. 

Amazing Art with Brandt Hardin

Recently when I posted my Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits blog, a fellow smart person posted a comment and a link to his personal art blog.  Anyone that takes the time to comment on anything, in my book, is worthwhile of checking out.  I clicked the link and was blown away by the artist.  I just wanted to share this stuff with you all because it is fantastic.  It reminds me a little of Ralph Steadman of Fear and Loathing fame but with perhaps more acid.  I do not personally know Hardin but I told him that I wanted to share with everyone the work he is doing.  So if you are an art fan or just like really cool pictures please click the link.

Also, just as a sample, I wanted to share on this page the FauxNews picture he made.  It might be my favorite. 

Ann Coulter's Greatest Hits

I was delighted this morning when I went to read through the Huffington Post and found a new Ann Coulter clip.  Ann Coulter is one of my favorite comedians and has kept me entertained for years.  The only thing is though, she has no Comedy albums or specials, instead she has little guest appearances on FauxNews and other shows that are eager to hear her well thought out, considerate views.  She is kind of like the one-woman show equivalent of another hilarious traveling improv group, the Westboro Baptist Church. 

I believe that both her and the infamous hate group are really just a bunch of failed actors who couldn't make it to the big screen and had to find another way to make money.  They troll us all and get us all upset and they ultimately win.  Well, while I do think that we should find everything Ann Coulter and the WBC do repulsive, I also think that we should see it for what it is:  large scale trolling.  They are like those douchebags that can find a negative, adverse thing to say about any given subject, picture, or story.  I guarantee that if you go to any large Facebook page, scroll through and find the most innocent looking picture of a baby or flowers, you will see a comment on there somewhere that says "That's a gay baby" or "Flowers are the devil's tools for sin" or something equally ridiculous.  And this is exactly what people like Ann Coulter does, give that bitch any subject and she can find away to twist it up and piss off every American with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's.  So instead of getting angry, just see it for what it is and have a laugh, and realize that only bottom feeders buy into this crap. 

Here is the clip that had me laughing in disbelief this morning.  You see, this attention whore needed some new attention and thought it would be funny to say that we should publish a list of all women who've had an abortion so we would know who would be willing to murder a child.  If you watch carefully, you can see the split second before she says it and the moment afterwards that she is obviously trolling.  She knows what she just said is preposterous but that moment afterwards she also knows that she just got herself a new YouTube clip.  She doesn't believe in a damn thing that she says.  She just keeps on thinking of the most horrific things to say and vomits them out for attention....because she's an attention whore. 

The great part of what the Huffington Post made was what I like to call a "Greatest Hits of Ann" and I wanted to link it here for you.  It's given me a lot of laughs this morning.  Check it out here.

Eating Corn Flakes, Happy Bert Day, and DMX Christmas Carols

After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles.  Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me.  It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity.  Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping.  Is this the life I want?  Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done?  Yeah, pretty much.  I don't like my current station in life of just getting by.  I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!!  I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog.  Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right?  Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song. 

Kellogg's Was Meant to Stop Masturbation

This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan

I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since.  I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them.  John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news.  You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate.  An extremist if you will.  Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex.  He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse.  Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night.  The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing.  My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?"  But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex:  micro-baby-dick.  Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time.  He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link.  Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis. 

Happy Bert Day!!!  7 Hours of Bert Kreischer

Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience.  What did this mean for me?  No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do.  If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video.  This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style.  I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him.  He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him.  At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone.  Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.  You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever.  Or you can click on the links from earlier.  It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.

Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"

I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it.  Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.











I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head.  As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.   

Working Hoochy Asses for Gift Cards: by mystery guest writer

As I am apt to do from time to time, I give other people an opportunity to write on the blog.  Today, a certain lady felt inspired to write after reading some comments left on the Facebook page.  I post pictures and I never do it to hurt anyone.  I always do it in the spirit of fun and laughter, nothing more.  It has never once been personal to anyone but a couple of people took it seriously today so it set off the wrath of this writer.  (I'm only not naming her because she asked me too.  And technically this was dictated to me.)

So with all the hype surrounded by the pictures that were put up on the Facebook page I wanted to take the time to point out a few things to some of the slutty skanks that decided to pull together and make some insults.

1. If you enter a public contest at some local glory hole in your bikini and look like you are taking a dump on the floor, then you deserve the public ridicule you get when it lands on said club’s public site.
2. If you are a succubus, and have so many kids that child services had to get involved and correct your crappy parenting, I would not point a single finger at two people that have never lost custody of their children.
3. If you think someone is jealous of your relationship which consists of being beaten by a toothless, thug, then honey you might want to get some self- help in your local support group. DHS can help you get there.
4. I would rather have the body of a beached whale versus having a meth-body just to go out and look like a zombie stripper for the local horn dogs.
5. It makes me sad when low IQ people try to make legitimate arguments when they cannot spell.  (tHiZ iZz NoT hOwE yoU dU iT)
6. The Mouse’s Ear rejects that keep making comments…you make my eyes hurt. You know, I had some hard times being a teenage mom and all, but guess what trolls? I went to college and here I am now with 2 degrees. No one handed it to me. I had to work for it. You know, like you work your hooch asses in the strip club for gift cards, well I worked mine off to get a better job.  
7. It's too late to be a good example for your horde of children but the least you can do is save them from further embarrassment and stop putting your self on the internet.
8. When you have multiple “baby daddy’s,” and continue to attain more partners and “baby daddies,” you might be a whore.
9. Have some standards for goodness sake and hit Goodwill and cover your puppies up and booty. Walk around covered up like it’s a secret! Why? Because some things should be left unseen. Now ladies, I have given you some sound advice here. I would also like to add that all skanks on the Goodship Stripper-Pop need to get a sense of humor. If you want to be taken seriously, then act like a human. You cannot expect to be a member of society and be taken seriously when you conduct yourselves like homeless trollops.

So that is what was dictated to me by a special person.  And I do want to reiterate that I never do this with any ill-will towards anyone, and if you do get butt-hurt may I recommend getting off of the other sites that post funny pictures you silly hypocrites.  Enjoy some pictures and remember that.

 

 

As always if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething.  Just keep it light, it's not that serious.

 

 

I Need a Reboot: Ending 2012 and taking 2013 Seriously

I feel this so hard.  Hearing it once is fine but
after that, you kind of feel like shooting someone
while calling them a motherfucker.

When I started this blog in 2011, I started off with a goal in mind.  I wanted to write something 2 or 3 times a week, I wanted to be relevant, I wanted to be funny, and I wanted it to lead to something.  Guess how many of those goals were achieved?  Two, sort of and those are subjective.  What the hell happened?  I could sit here and reel off a whole list of excuses but that would be boring.  So instead I wanted to take a new approach to the whole blog starting with the cliche of the the New Year.  I know that is lame and I hate myself for even typing those words but I sort of figured this time to be a good jumping off point. 

This year I am going to start to treat this blog as a job.  I found that to be my problem in the past.  It was something that I did casually and I often would have ideas and then be too busy or more honestly too damn lazy to write them down.  So this year every day for at least 1 to 3 hours a day (or night) I'll dedicate myself to this page.  Whether I write out some original ideas or whether I make it commentary on news or if I simply find some stuff on the internet that interests me.  I want my site to become a place that my friends and fans come to in order to find and learn about interesting shit that they might not have otherwise found.  I want to add my commentary to whatever I find suitable.  So without further adieu, I wanted to start this off with introducing some interesting stuff that I've recently been looking into. 


The Picture of the Day

If you've ever seen any of my other pictures then
you'll know exactly where I got this.

I'm not sure what it is with girls either making a duckface or sticking their tongues out in seemingly every other picture on the internet but our friend here on the leftside of the picture has taken it to new levels. Lick a friend!! If any of my friends licked me while taking a picture, the next shot would be of me punching him in the throat.

Interview with a Cannibal: from Vice.com

I first learned about this guy while listening to my favorite podcast (and sort of my inspiration for doing this in the first place) the Joe Rogan Experience.  His name is Issei Sagawa and he is a confirmed psychotic cannibal.  In 1981, Sagawa murdered fellow college student Renee Hartevelt in Paris and over the course of three days cut off and devoured pieces of her and saved other choice cuts in his fridge.  He was caught dumping the leftovers in a lake.  The story itself is chilling and disturbing but I feel that most of us are so jaded with crazy news stories that we cannot ever truly grasp the horror of crimes.  This short 30 odd minute documentary is an interview with the monster.  He gives details of his crime along with personal illustrations with such a matter of fact attitude that it sends chills up your spine.  He admittedly has no remorse for his crime and by watching it, one could definitely conclude that he would like to do it again.  And he very well could, because guess what?  He never served prison time for his crime.  He was immediately sent to a psychiatric hospital in France after his apprehension and declared insane.  However the French, in their infamous hospitality, did not want to foot the bill for keeping this madman locked up and deported him back to Japan.  Japan is known to take care of their own and after a short stint in one of their hospitals, they released him and he's been free ever since.  This documentary covers not only his crimes but his life since the "incident", as he calls it.  He has made a living off his own infamy writing books about his crime, starring in cheesy Z level Japanese movies exploiting him as a cannibal, and even did a porn with an unsuspecting actress who only learned of his crimes after the sex was done.  So gather up the family, get some popcorn, and watch this fun-filled, happy-go-lucky documentary...or not.  You should probably watch this alone and with a side of horror and disgust.

The Joe Rogan Experience

This definitely will not be the last time I mention the JRE as it continues to amaze me with every episode but I felt that I have to mention it in the first blog of the year.  If you've never listened (and according to statistics only me and about 10 other people in the entire state of TN listen to any podcasts), you have to.  As a matter of fact, if you don't listen to this one then find one that you do like.  Podcasts are, to me, the best form of entertainment, information, and distraction that can be had for free.  Go to iTunes, go to podcasts and you'll see literally hundreds of great shows...all for free.  You pay nothing!!!  Anyway, go find one and do it, you might learn something!!  This clip hear is one of a series of 2012 year in review videos for the JRE so I figured it would be a good taste for people new to the experience. 

The 9 Wildest Things Fox News has said in 2012 from the Huffington Post

I found this little jewel this morning while scrolling around my Huffington Post App.  I won't always pick on Conservatives and Republicans but when you get something this great it's hard to ignore.  I promise I'll knock on the liberal side as well, because we say stupid shit all the time too.  I've found that this year, above many others, we have examples of bad, terrible rhetoric from the Conservative side though.  A lot of rape minimalizing, a lot of gay blaming, and a lot about how the absence of God in schools has led to these shootings has been muttered without a bit of foresight from these Neanderthals.  Rape has been a big issue with them all year, I guess because of the whole birth control drama.  The birth control issue is something I could go off on for an hour but I'll sum it up in as few words as possible.  Birth control is a good thing, we are overpopulated as it is, women have the right to it, companies that try to deny it are anti-progress and in all reality too cheap to provide it and think we are all too stupid to realize it, and it should really be a non-issue.  There I said it.

The Lumineers



Now on to something more cheery...I know that I am probably just old or out of touch but I recently discovered this band while bullshitting around on Spotify.  Apparently, millions of other people heard about these guys before I did and have watched this video and bought their album but dammit, it's better late than never.  I just picked up the CD today (I know it's available to listen to for free on the internet but sometimes I like having a physical copy. Stop judging me!!) Holy Batman's Nutsack, Robin!!  This is a tremendous album.  There doesn't seem to be one moment of "suck" on the entire thing.  I do however, recommend watching this video with your eyes closed because it is about as lame as it gets but the song is great. 


If you like what I do or if you hate me, come check me out on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething.  Tell me how great you think I am or tell me I'm an asshole.  Either way, thanks for reading.  Also for God's sake, go through my Amazon links if you want to buy from them, I'll get a few pennies.