VMA Awards Show should be moved to YouTube

I haven't watched MTV on any sort of consitent basis for several years.  I used to watch it so I could see the newest Guns N Roses video or see a live performance by Nirvana.  I loved Headbanger's Ball and Yo! MTV Raps but then a horrible creepy thing started happening.  We all blame the processed, scripted, unreality shows for the demise of MTV which is partly true but I put some of the biggest weight on a show that actually played videos:  Total Request Live or TRL for the hip kids.  This show was supposed to be one of the last shows on MTV that played music videos and one of the last shows I watched by the way.  It was supposed to be the Top 10 requested videos of the day with all kinds of screaming teenagers serving as the backdrop.  It happened that way for a good while too.  They played the videos, you saw who was #1, and that was it.  Good formula, right?  Nope, like any network, MTV took something that was working really well and decided to mess with it.  TRL started to show 30 second clips of videos and MAYBE the entire #1 video.  I remember when they first did this and I thought it was some sort of glitch, but I watched a few more times and apparently that was their new format.  I promptly stopped watching MTV.
VH1 was there for videos but then they started to find washed up, has been celebrities to put on their shows to find love like "Flavor of Love" and "Who wants Bret Micheals herpes?" and then worse still they started to make spinoff shows of the people who failed to get the "flavor" or "Bret Micheal's herpes".  Ultimately they stopped playing videos too.  The only time one can find "music" (and I use that term very loosely) being played on either station is really, really early in the morning for about 1 hour.  MTV used to be so cutting edge in bringing everyone new bands that they had never heard and videos that we will never forget.  Now we get "Jersey Shore" and "Celebrity Rehab". 
How can MTV still get the right to host a Video Music Awards show?  If they wanted to host a Unreality Awards Show, I would have no beef with that, at least it would be true to form.  But music videos??  Really??  If you ask yourself or just about anyone you know where they watch music videos, 99.997% will say YouTube.  YouTube is the only place I see videos anymore, I am amazed that artists still make videos because they damn sure aren't going to be played on TV anymore, its all online.  And perhaps that is the point, maybe we are moving past TV altogether.  Maybe TV is becoming what books where to my generation, maybe TV is for "old" people and the Internet is the only way now.  I am fine with that, I watch a lot of crap on the computer, but mainly because my kids take over the TV and watch whatever new teenager Disney has farted out sing about being in love with their best friends brother. 
I would just like MTV to be honest.  Change their name to URTV and do the Unreality Video Awards and call it a day.  Let YouTube take over the VMA's because at least then I wouldn't feel like I was being lied to.  And while we are on that, why would anyone take what MTV had to say about music serious anyway?  Going to MTV to find out about music is like going to a carnival worker wanting to know about molecular biology.  MTV knows nothing about music anymore, I would venture a guess that 90% of the people on MTV now would not know who James Brown or Janis Joplin were.  They would probably think James Brown is the father of the guy who beat up Rhianna, Chris Brown and Joplin was the woman who wouldn't move to the back of the bus.  MTV fired everyone that had any musical knowledge years ago.  The application for working there now includes the following question:  "Who was the lead singer of Nirvana?" and if you answer Kurt Cobain, you are automatically disqualified from the job.  MTV's lack of musical knowledge oozes all over the place now, just look who today's stars are:  Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, some rapper who steals and makes a stupid dance, and I don't know who else.  I don't know not because I am out of touch, but rather because I don't know because I still have common sense and a set of ears that can tell me that these people are trying to take a dump in my ear cannal and call it music.

Ok, I'm done now.  And just in case anyone forgot what a music video is I have added some examples below and guess where I got them.....YouTube not MTV!!!

Chain letters, Online love, and other things that shouldn't exist

Every day I log onto Facebook and see an array of ridiculous things and that’s fine, it’s a public forum for absurdity.  However, I feel like there are certain things that clog up the whole thing and could be eliminated for a variety of reasons.  Chain posts (letters?  I don’t know what to call them), updates on the status of your irritable bowel syndrome (or whatever disgusting bodily functions you might be having), and constant proclamations of love from people who just met or by people who have a seemingly endless line of new partners in their life.  It is, like I said, a public forum but it’s hard for people to take you seriously if you do any of these things (with a small, few exceptions i.e. funny or ironic things, those are OK).  I understand that you can say whatever you want on Facebook, Twitter, or other social media forums (is MySpace still around?) but I kind of thought the point behind it all is to initiate conversations.  Saying something like, “I’m tired” or “I like pizza” aren’t going to exactly set the world aflame for your bold statements.  I read some things and I simply have no idea what I could even begin to say and if I do say anything it feels kind of forced.  I mean really what can you say to, “I like pizza” besides “Me too”?  So here are some ideas of posts or tweets or whatever to avoid, because you won’t initiate any sort of intelligent conversation.

1.       Chain posts, chain letters, or anything like that.  I don’t know exactly what to call them but basically anything that tells you that you are “not a real (fill in the blank)” if you don’t repost the status.  Or a post that tries to shame you into reposting it like, “98% of people won’t repost this, do you have the courage to be the 2% that will?”  I always feel half bad for not doing it because some of things that are being said are good valid things like fighting cancer, ending child abuse, eliminating world hunger, and other similar horrible things.  It is perfectly fine for a person to champion their cause or spout off about their beliefs but why not just say it instead of making everyone feel bad if they don’t repost it.  Every time I see one that I agree with I’m like, “Well, yeah that’s cool but I have something else I would like to say instead.  Maybe I’ll just “like” it and that will absolve me of my transgression.”  I know a lot of friends that post these so don’t think that I disagree with what you are saying by not reposting it, just accept my “like” and we’ll call it even.  The other chain thing I see a lot of is the “if you repost this (enter something great) will happen for you.”  When I was 12 this might have worked on me, but I am 30 years old.  I know that nothing great will ever come of resending anything.  About the best you can hope for out of a chain post is that you will burn about ¼ of a calorie by copying and pasting it.  As I stated earlier, funny or ironic ones are fine to post because they do not sound all preachy or self-righteous, they are just attempting to poke fun at the whole phenomenon. 

2.       Do not tell me about the amount of vomit that just shot out of your mouth or how your last bowel movement was so intense that you popped a blood vessel in your eye.  I’m sure that the volume of your last puke session at Porcelain Pulpit was vast but no one cares.  If you think that someone might care, then just send them a message along with a picture.  If your last log of brownie batter was a foot and half long, don’t tell the world about it, send a picture to your friends that are into giant steamy masses of fecal matter.  I have figured that enough had been made of this for people to stop doing it but I still see stuff like this every other day.  What do you want me to say about your tear-inducing poo?  “Wow, that some fantastic dung you got there!!  You should see mine!!”?  The only excuse for posting this stuff is if you are really drunk and have the inability to make well informed decision.

3.       Don’t start dating someone and immediately proclaim your undying love to them.  This makes you look shallow, especially if we all know that you just got out of a relationship.  I have people on my friends list who seem to love a new person every couple of weeks.  If it is true (which I doubt) then good for you but you might want to wait a bit before singing it from the rooftops.  We all sit and laugh at this people because last week she was a lesbian in love with Mary and this week she is in love with a long haul trucker named Hank but since Hank is away so often she also loves Bob and his wife Sharon when she’s lonely.  And don’t worry there is a guy version to this as well, I’m not discriminating.  Joe could have just ended his marriage of 10 years when he turned 35 and is now in love with a recent high school graduate named Cindy.  No one takes you seriously.  Everyone assumes that the “constantly in love” girl is probably just promiscuous and thinks that every guy or gal that gives them attention is a new lover and the “recently divorced guy dating a teenager” is just a creepy old pervert.  These things may be true, or these people could be legitimately in love (although not likely).  So, if you want to save some embarrassment then just wait a little while and see what happens before telling everyone.  I never know what to say to the people on Facebook that have the constantly revolving relationship status.  Bob is single, Bob is in a relationship, Bob is single, Bob is married, Bob is single.  I don’t know what to say each time.  I usually go with “Congrats?” or “Sorry?” with the question mark being the key point of emphasis.  You don’t know whether to be happy for them or to commiserate with them.  How about a relationship that says “Bob is a confused love sick whore and doesn’t know who to love” that’s a lot more honest I think.

All of these are equally annoying/disgusting/confusing but none of them ever really induce an actual conversation or make for anything interesting.  So, I think that perhaps as a “social experiment” that I will start to comment on everything that people post.  I can make long-winded comments about the contents of their vomit.  I can ask some really probing questions about their dookie.  I can tell uncomfortable cancer stories (because I can, I’ve had it and I am officially able to do so).  I can copy and paste whole thesis papers on topics I know nothing about or am not interested in.  I can share long, drawn out, uncomfortable break-up stories to the lovelorn, heartbroken newly single people who will have a new mate next week.  Maybe my absurdity can stop other people’s absurdity.   

How to make NASCAR suck a little less

The time has come again where most of the locals here in the Tri Cities get really excited.  A huge event which brings in out-of-towners in droves to bombard every McDonalds and Waffle House in sight.  An event that will surely drain every convenience store of all Skoal and chewing tobacco.  An event that will fill up every local roach motel that people would normally not dare occupy.  An event that has plagued our local highways with old pickup trucks and El Caminos littered with the number 3 stickers and caused us not to get anywhere close to the destinations that we need to be in.  An event that can single handedly eliminate all beer within a 100 mile radius.  Yes, I am talking about Bristol Race Weekend.

We have been hit with this twice a year for as long as I can remember.  I am sure that our local business people who own motels, tobacco farms, and convenience stores get very excited about these two events because it is guaranteed money.  It’s the same excitement that overcomes a Porn Convention in Vegas when they hear that Charlie Sheen and Bill Clinton are coming to town.  However, I am one of the lone wolfs who despise the Southern National Pastime known as NASCAR.  In my eyes, it is one of the biggest non-sports that exists.  The sport is comprised of highly expensive replica cars plastered in corporate logos going in circles for 4 hours to make sure that everyone sees the advertisements so that when the fans leave they can be ensured to go out and buy all of the products that they don’t need in order to support their favorite driver.  I have tried in the past to “enjoy” this “sport” but when I watch it, I usually fall asleep or get so bored that I find the closest infomercial to get my attention.  It’s a circle.  All the cars are exactly the same.  It’s loud.  Most of the fans that surround me are drunk to the point of vomiting.  There is absolutely no entertainment in the entire event.  I have read though that in recent years the “sport” is losing a little of their former popularity.  People that were sucked into it are like me, they are realizing that they could see the same kind of action if the stood on a bridge overlooking an interstate:    All the cars are going fast, people are trying to pass each other, and zero real action is going on.  The ticket sales are not near what they used to be and it’s simply because people are becoming smarter.  NASCAR is not only the least exciting “sport” but it’s also the least entertaining form of racing.  Rally racing is fun because you are guaranteed a crash and it is done over a rough terrain that actually poses a challenge.  Motocross is fun because the possibility of someone hurling through the air and possibly crashing or landing can be equally exciting.  But NASCAR is basically a fast traffic jam.

Now of course I am never one to complain about something without offering a solution or at least some alternatives.  I agree that the race weekend is probably pretty good for our local economy so I don’t want to necessarily get rid of it all the way but I think we should make it more interesting and give people more excitement for their hard earned dollar.  So here are my suggestions to improve this prolonged advertising traffic jam.

1.       Every driver has to be legally drunk before they get behind the wheel.  I know this sounds irresponsible but hear me out.  If every one of the drivers sat down at the trackside bar for an hour and had a few Jack & Cokes before hitting the track, the traffic jam would turn into a full on fast paced demolition derby.  Wouldn’t you get a kick out of watching Dale Earnhardt Jr. driving the wrong direction on the track, weaving around all the oncoming cars?  We could watch Jimmie Johnson smash into Jeff Gordon and have both of them laughing hysterically before stumbling off the track back to the bar.  Plus think about the fights that would happen.  No one likes to fight quite like a bunch of high testosterone drunken rednecks (just look in the stands of any race for proof).  Kurt Busch would jump out and pummel the hell out of anyone who grazed his car, whole racing crews would be getting pissed and spray each other with gasoline, and fat old Tony Stewart would be dragging Mark Martin’s old shriveled butt of his car punching him and screaming “Just retire old man!!!”  I guarantee one drunken NASCAR race would be 1,000 times more exciting than all other NASCAR races in history combined.  (Also, something to think about, does this not seem reasonable anyway?  Every fan there gets drunk just so they can imagine a more exciting race.  If the drivers were already drunk, the fans wouldn’t even have to have booze to enjoy it.)  The winner would still be determined by who crossed the checkered line but it wouldn’t necessarily have to be in a car.  It could be whoever got out of their car and stumbled over it.

2.       Almost everyone who has watched racing will tell you, if they are being honest with themselves, that watching the crashes is the most exciting thing there.  So, why should NASCAR try to deny their fans what they want?  The format would be an “every man for himself” type of situation.  The goal would be to purposefully wreck every car that got in their way until they are the last car out there and only one car would cross the finish line.  No, this wouldn’t be a demolition derby; there would still be a great deal of strategy involved.  The goal wouldn’t be to wreck everyone and have your car still be able to start, but for the car to still be able to make it the duration of the race and finish it.  There probably wouldn’t be a lot of crashes at the first because the drivers would still be trying to avoid it so they could get further along in the race.  But after like 50 laps, Carl Edwards clips Juan Montoya from behind and sends him hurtling into the wall.  No major damage to Edward’s car and chances are Montoya’s car is destroyed.  At this point all hell would start to break lose.  Every driver out there would be vying to make the right hit on his opponent and still avoid damaging his own car to bad.  It would be constant high speed crashing.  There would be no caution flags either and all damaged-beyond-repair cars would be left on the track so that they never had to slow down and they could use the damaged cars as strategy pieces to run other cars into them.  The winner would be, of course, the last car that managed to escape with the least damage and still be able to cross the finish line.  If this was implemented I guarantee this would sky rocket to one of the most popular sports on earth just behind the NFL and European Soccer. 

3.       Similar to #2, but more of a special event each year:  A full scale, full speed, demolition derby.  All rednecks love to watch demolition derbies but the problem is the cars that are usually involved in those are old crappy jalopies that really no one cares if they are destroyed.  My NASCAR demolition derby would be much more high stakes.  NASCAR cars cost around $150 to $200,000 each with around $20 million invested in them each year.  Something about watching high priced things being destroyed is very appealing to people, as long as it is not their own expensive things being destroyed.  Like I said this could be the big special event each year for the sport and it could be held in Bristol in that giant field area in the middle.  All the cars could be lined around the edge of the field all facing inward and when Larry the Cable Guy yells “Git er’ Done!!” into the microphone, the cars would drive full speed into the middle causing a cataclysmic crash that would rock the stadium.  It would be full on carnage and sure a couple of the drivers might not exactly live through it, but the roar of the crowd would be worth it.  People would come from all around the world to watch this.  Bristol would become the Mecca for rednecks, race aficionados, and a**holes you enjoy watching destruction.

The only way that I will ever watch racing will be if any of these changes are put into place.  And since none of this will ever happen because no one ever listens to my impeccable logic, I will continue as I do each year.  I will happily know that I am not watching NASCAR and that I do not give a damn.  Anytime I feel like watching fast cars while I’m drunk it’s always cheaper to pull a lawn chair onto the side of the interstate with a cooler full of beer.

Water Gives You Cramps and other lies We were told

Remember when a lot of us were kids back in the 80's and 90's and we were told that, "Wait at least 30 minutes before you get in the pool or you'll get a cramp and drown." and "You don't need no water, you'll cramp up."? We were told this by our parents, coaches, and other assorted authority figures but did you know anyone that ate a piece of chicken, hopped in the pool, and drowned when he got a cramp?  Whenever a coach would show an ounce of mercy and allow you to get a sip of water, did you cramp up when you went back out and played?  I don't know anyone that either of those things happened to and I doubt that anybody else does either.

I really started thinking about this when I signed my kids up for football the other day and the coaches were encouraging parents to send their kids with extra water bottles for practice.  I was shocked, not because I disagree, but because when I played football the coaches made you "earn" your water priveledge.  We would practice in 95 degree weather for 90 minutes without so much as a breeze and the coach would begrudgingly tell us that it was time to get some water after a kid would nearly pass out from heat exhaustion.  The coaches would even set an insane time & consumption limit on us as well.  There would be like 50 kids all trying to get a spot at the water spicket and have something like 25 seconds to guzzle down what we could at the same time.  Water breaks were like Christmas morning on meth.  It was everybody scrambling like the papparazzi after Princess Diana.  We would be knocking each other over to get our lips wet for a single moment.  We all thought it was the dumbest thing we had ever heard of back then.  I knew that people died of dehydration all the time and I was just waiting my turn out there.  Now, society and science has caught up with sports and kids get water constantly.  "Gotta keep hydrated, get some water."  "Get you a big gulp"  These are phrases that were never uttered once back then.  Our coaches hoarded water so bad that they could have been featured on that "Hoarders" show.  They didn't know what they were going to do with all that water but by God we weren't getting any.  What finally changed this retarded backwards thinking?  People had to die.  It took a few football players across the country keeling over in 100 degree weather and people finally said, "Huh?  Maybe we should get these kids some water."  So now it is a universal thing, you never see a practice without 25 water bottles and two 20 gallon jugs of water on the sidelines.  I'm glad for it but I'm still a little jealous too.  The coaches always made that same tired excuse for denying us our precious water, "You'll cramp up if you drink water and play."  Who made up this logic?  What is the one of the first things they do when a player in the NFL cramps up during a game?  They give him some water.  So, I'd like to say thanks a lot for nearly killing all of us in your dehydration camps, coaches!!

Keeping up with the theme of water, we were also told that eating + swimming = death.  It was pounded into the head of every kid during the 80's.  I don't think it still does now, but back then that is all we heard.  My folks would throw pool parties and BBQs all the time when I was young and I loved it.  But I dreaded the part that I had to wait a freaking half hour to get back in the pool after I ate a potato chip.  I would wait until I was nearly starving before I would hop out and eat.  And the 30 minutes would not start until you ate that last bite of food.  If you were waiting around and it was around the 20th minute and you casually walked by and grabbed a chip out of the bowl, your 30 minutes started over.  It was put into my head so much by my parents, their friends, and other parents that I was terrified to get in the water after eating because I was afraid that I would drown all because I loved fried chicken.  I was probably 15 or 16 when I went to the lake with a couple of friends and we were going to eat and swim a little bit.  We brought some burgers, sat by the water, ate, and chatted it up.  Then I remember my buddy immediately jumping into the water after he was done.  I thought, "Holy crap, Jeremy is going to drown now.  He ate McDonalds and didn't wait to swim."  But you know what?  Nothing happened.  He swam cramp free.  I jumped in and didn't drown either.  So why did all the parents back then insist on us not getting in the water for 30 minutes?  I think it was probably something they had a meeting about and decided that it would give them a 30 minute buffer zone to talk amongst themselves and not have to watch you in the pool and worry about you drowning. 

Another lie, but a good one that we should bring back, was that you had to earn a position on a team.  If you were playing football, baseball, basketball, or whatever sport it was you had to work your butt off to be able to get to play in the games.  Even at that, working hard wasn't always going to cut it either.  You had to be good.  You had to perform at a higher level than those around you.  The coaches did not care if your feelings got hurt, they wanted to win.  They wanted the best players out there playing and if you weren't good enough you either sat there or you got in at the end of a game if it was a blow out.  Now the coaches, through the urging or ruling of whatever league, have to give everyone a certain amount of playing time.  Even the kid who can't run 5 yards without getting winded gets in the game now.  None of the kids have to earn anything because they know they will get to play anyway.  It is dumbing down the competiton gene in kids.  They don't even try because "What's the point?"  Some leagues even have games set up where they don't keep score and there is no winner.  Everyone is a winner, everyone gets a "participation" trophy, there are no MVPs or Outstanding players.  It makes our kids soft.  Now, I don't think that our kids should be hardcore gangsters that will cut you for a position but I think they should at least have to earn it.  I remember getting a trophy back then was a big deal, you got a sense of pride and if someone won a trophy over you then it gave you more of a drive to go out and get it done the next time.  This is one lie that would be fine with me if it was brought back.

There is one more major lie that I can think of right off hand and it is so huge that it is almost inconcievable to me now:  If you work hard, you can be anything you want to be.  I know this sounds negative but do you really think that little Bobby from Blountville who has a drunk father and a lazy mom is going to be President of the Unitied States if he wants it bad enough?  No!  There are limitations for some kids and we should accept these limitations and steer them in a direction that they won't be completely disappointed in.  If your kid is pitch deaf and sounds like Chewbacca when he sings and he tells you that he wants to grow up and be a rockstar.  Be honest and tell him that it ain't happening.  You don't have to be mean about it but give the kid a back up plan or two.  Ask him if the rockstar thing falls through what other things he would like to do.  Perhaps accounting or construction are more in line for him.  Its not going to hurt them, they will thank you for it later.  This lie is not only from the days of yore, but it is still running rampant today, probably even more than ever before.  We all want to pump our kids with self esteem but sometimes they have to be knocked down a notch or two.  If your kid is making terrible grades in math and has a crippling fear of public speaking but still wants to be the President, then you should step in and offer some alternatives that are more in his/her range.  Maybe you could even scare the idea out of him/her.  Tell them all the speeches that they have to give, about all the millions of people they will have to talk to, tell them about doing all the budgeting that has to be done, maybe that will make them change their mind.  Its fine for the Chewbacca kid to sing his heart out in his room, its okay for bad math Bobby to pretend he is the President at home, because we all have our passions but we have to have realistic expectations. 

Parents lie to their kids, its just a universal thing.  Its in the handbook.  We lie about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny but there comes a point that we reveal the ruse that we have pulled on them.  Kids are getting smarter and we can't pull the same crap on them as our parents did on us.  I told my boys the other day that we didn't hardly ever got water breaks in football and they thought I was insane.  Coaches could never pull that crap over on kids now, but for whatever reason we believed.  So be honest with your kids, give them real expectations, and remember "Water is not going to kill them!!"

Five Podcasts I Think You Should be Listening To

I have said a thousand times to a thousand people that terrestrial radio is probably one of the worst forms of entertainment in our society at this point.  The music that is played is unlistenable, the DJs are so tied into their station that they have no freedom to say what they want or play what they want, and each song is played just to connect one commercial to the next.  I have been tired of it for years and have relyed heavily on my iPod since the day I got it.  At first, since I am not always the most tech savvy, I just had all of my music on it.  But it gets a little tiresome listening to the same 3,000 songs over and over, so in the past year I decided to try out the free Podcasts that are offered on iTunes.  Read that again, THEY ARE FREE!!

For those that don't know, because there is a suprising number of people that don't, Podcasts are just like little radio shows that are not regulated by the FCC (that is probably the simplest explanation).  I download new ones every single day, and it ensures that I always have something funny and thought provoking to listen to as I go about my day to day monotonous activities (they make it all the more bearable). 

So, since I consider myself a Public Serviceman of Good Taste, I want to help you fine people escape the death trap of radio and open you up to the good things that you might be missing.  The lone problem with the podcasts is that there are roughly 1 million of them (ok, I don't really know how many but there is a lot).  I don't want you to get stuck with a bad one, it would make me look bad, and you would hate me.  So, I am going to offer up a "starter kit" of 5 good podcasts approved by me.  These aren't necessarily in order because they are all good in their own unique ways.

The Nerdist with Chris Hardwick

The Nerdist is a twice-a-week podcast hosted by comedian Chris Hardwick, you might remember him from the old 90's dating show "Singled Out".  Yes, you remember it.  It was the one where Jenny McCarthy hopped around like methed out bunny rabbit while burping in the face of anyone who got within 3 feet of her.  Anyway, Hardwick has went on to do a lot of different little shows and most notably has been in a couple of Rob Zombie's movies, Halloween II and House of a 1000 Corpses, and is the host of "Web Soup" on G4.  Hardwick is an unabashed nerd and along with his two sidekicks Matt and Jonah they talk about all that is nerdy.  That probably doesn't sound that appealing does it?  It didn't to me either at first but I decided to check it out when I saw that they had a lot of my favorite comedians on it.  They have talked to Rob Zombie about his horror movies and his music, they have talked zombie movies with Simon Pegg, and have taken some of the nerdiest crap and made it entertaining.  Each episode is around an hour long and it makes for something good to listen to if you are into any sort of genre movies or tech savvy stuff. 

The Joe Rogan Experience

This podcast is obviously hosted by Joe Rogan and is one of the longer podcasts coming in at around 2 to 2 1/2 hours long.  However, it never feels that long.  Rogan has his consistent sidekick Brian Redban with him and is always joined by another comedian.  In order to explain this particular podcast I have to set up one of my analogies.  Imagine hanging out with the smartest & funniest people that you know, then imagine that you have a big bag of medical grade marijuana and a vaporizer, now imagine that you and your smart & funny friends smoke that for two solid hours while talking about every possible topic that pops into your head.  This is the Joe Rogan experience.  Rogan is hyper-intelligent as are most of his regular guests.  This isn't your typical pothead conversation where people spend an hour talking about how "trippy the clouds" are.  No, Rogan knows his stuff as do regular guests Ari Shaffir, Brian Callen, Joey Diaz, Jamie Kilstein, and Tom Segura.  They discuss politics, ancient civilizations, comedy, history, cars, and just whatever floats into their stoned heads.  Its kind of like going to a Humanities class taught by a professor who has ate a tray of pot brownies.  It is completely free form and you never end a podcast without having learned something new.  I would recommend this to anyone who is into both comedy and free thinking.  Rogan is also the comedian who helped bring down Carlos Mencia aka the Biggest Joke Theif on the Planet.  After Rogan called him out on stage in Los Angeles and cited all the jokes and bits that had been stolen by Mencia, it was within no time that Mind of Mencia was off the air and people stopped showing up at his shows.  Below is a clip of the confrontation and it kind of gives you an idea of how Rogan works, he believes strongly in integrity and originality (neither of which Mencia possesses).

The BS Report with Bill Simmons

Simmons is the perfect mix between a sports fanatic and a pop culture junkie.  One day you might hear Simmons interviewing David Stern about the NBA lockout, then another day he might be interviewing comedian Adam Carolla, and then he might go back and do a show with Jimmy Kimmel or Mike Ditka.  Simmons has huge range and is a library of knowledge on both subjects.  He has the ability to make Jersey Shore interesting to me, which by the way is a show that I have never watched nor will I ever watch, and in the next breath he could be reeling me into giving a crap about soccer, which I also hate.  He mixes analogies of both cultures to the point that it is hard not to be interested.  His podcasts work well for a stroll on the treadmill because they usually last around an hour, and they keep your mind off the fact that you feel like your legs are melting.

WTF with Marc Maron

WTF is the podcast that got me into listening to podcasts in the first place.  I had read an article in Time magazine last year and it was talking about an amazing show that this older comedian, Marc Maron, was doing.  He had been through a terrible divorce and his life was falling apart and was looking for some direction in his life.  Maron had been a comedian for 20 some odd years and he figured the best way to get through his problems was to talk to other comedians.  Two years later, he has interviewed almost every major comic that comes to mind, Robin Williams, Louis CK, Judd Apatow, Sarah Silverman, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Joe Rogan, Andy Dick, Adam Carolla, and the list goes on and on.  He just did his 200th episode a couple of days ago if that gives you any sort of idea of how many people he has talked to.  The thing that makes him stand out so much over other interviewers or comedians is that he has this odd ability to get people to spill out their deepest, darkest secrets and emotions.  He did an interview with Todd Hanson, the co-founder of The Onion, a few weeks ago which was possibly the most moving, sad, and heartfelt interviews I have ever heard.  Hanson had been severely depressed for years and about a year ago he decided to kill himself in a very meticulous manner.  He rented a hotel room, had bought some pills, and had a large bottle of liquor.  He didn't want to make a mess in his home and didn't want to leave some tragic scene for his roommate to find, he just wanted to die alone and with some dignity.  He somehow survived the ordeal, got some help, and is doing a little better now.  Maron actually did the interview in the hotel room where Hanson tried to commit suicide, not for any sort of shock value, but because Hanson thought it might be therapeautic.  Maron pulled from him the deepest details of the ordeal but still managed to make it respectful and not pushy.  He handled the whole situation with such respect and patience for Hanson.  Everyone that I know that has listened to this interview broke into tears at some point or another.  That's probably not the best sale of a comedy/interview format podcast but it is amazing what he can do.  He is funny and makes the best of his situation in life and in turn makes you feel a little better too. 

The Adam Carolla Show

I will have to say that this one is probably my favorite podcast.  He does it 5 days a week and if for any reason I ever miss it, it seems to throw my whole day off.  I went to the beach for a week and didn't have my computer, and I kept thinking "Dammit, I can't wait to get back and see what I missed."  Of course, I had a good time and enjoyed myself but I still felt a little off, like I was missing something.  Carolla has a different format than any of the other above mentioned podcasts.  You really feel like you are listening to a morning radio show except there are no censors, no stupid gimmicks, no shitty music, and its actually funny.  Ok, so that means its nothing like morning radio, but thats whats so great.  It is everything that you would like from a morning talk radio show without all the horrible parts of a morning talk radio show.  You will remember Carolla from The Man Show, Loveline, and a number of late night appearances.  He is an epic ranter, a world class complainer, people can only dream to be as prolific as he is about bitching about stuff.  He could riff on any subject that is given to him and not only make it funny but also make complete, logical sense.  The rants and the logical sense are what I like so much about Carolla, I feel like I think a lot like him.  When he argues against a subject that you may be strongly for, he could probably change your mind by the time he was done and you would be raging against it.  He, like everyone else on this list, has a wide array of guests on his show, from whack job WBC nut Shirley Phelps to whack job Andy Dick to UFC fighter John Lajoie.  Like Simmons he makes anyone seem interesting but unlike Simmons he constantly interrupts his guests and relates what he is saying to himself.  I know that probably sounds like a negative aspect but its one of the things that makes the show great.  He is also joined daily by "newsgirl" Alison Rosen and sidekick Bryan Bishop aka Bald Bryan.   Both Rosen and Bishop play off well with Carolla, and Rosen's version of the news is unlike anything you'll hear on FoxNews.

I know I usually try to entertain on my little grumpy blog but I thought I should give some due credit to the people that inspire me.  All of these different comedians, writers, and podcasters have influenced me in some way.  And I think that people ought to be listening to them, instead of 94.9 or 101.5, those stations make you stupid, these podcasts actually can make you think.  So these are my suggestions, you can click on the names of the shows to get to the podcasts and websites or you could just go to iTunes.  After downloading and listening to these guys (and realizing how right I am) perhaps you can find some other jewels out there.  I have also included Amazon links at the top for books and CDs/mp3s of each podcaster.

Racism & Homophobia: Dropping our National IQ one day at a time.

On a day to day basis probably nothing bothers me more than ignorance and stupidity.  I feel like there is no more excuse to be ignorant.  Anything and everything you want to know is just a few clicks away on the internet.  Want to know how to make a chocolate cake?  Go to Google.  Want to know how to grow marijuana in your basement?  Go to Google.  Want to get high and eat chocolate cake?  Combine your knowledge.  Everything that you have ever been curious about is available out there.  People can no longer claim ignorance, at least not for long.  If you don't know something that someone asks you, tell them to give you a minute and you'll find out.  Stupidity is something that is hard to help.  Once a person is stupid, it is hard to fix them because they already have some information but are just too stupid to make the right decision or believe in the right thing.  As one of my friends said, (and I am paraphrasing a little) "You can't fix stupid, you can kick it, laugh at it, confuse it, and say mean things to it but you can't fix it."  (Thanks Amber that is still one of my favorites from you.)  Stupid people are the ones that have all the proof of something sitting in front of them, have been told by other people the correct information, and yet still choose to think or believe in something that is blatantly wrong.  Two of the highest forms of stupidity that are dumbing down the national IQ are:  Racism and Homophobia.  Neither one of them have ever made any sense to me.  I have tried to understand, research, and ask questions about both but no one that is racist or homophobic can give one single valid answer.

Racism: 

1. The belief that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, esp. so as to distinguish it as inferior or superior to another race or races
2. Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on such a belief

This is the definition of racism according to Dictionary.com (see I Googled it!!).  What part of that makes any logical sense?  Sure, I can process the words and their meanings, but I mean how can someone buy into that?  Growing up in Tennessee, I saw many forms of racism when I was young and that continue today.  I would hear the word "nigger" being used very prevantly when we would play any sport against Dobyns-Bennett High School (a local school that has a large population of black students) and even when I was young it made me uncomfortable.  If I asked anyone in those days, "Why are you racist?"  I would almost always, like 99% of the time, get the answer, "that's the way I was raised."  Really, that's your rationale?  You were raised that way?  So what?  What if you were told as a child that sticking a cactus inside of your ass was a good idea?  The first time you tried it you would be like, "Ouch, oh my God, that is painful and stupid.  I'll never do that again."  And then you would promptly make your way to the closest ER.  Do you think that you would keep shoving cactuses into your rectum because that was the way you were taught?  No, you would be like, "Screw that, a cactus in the ass is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of and I don't care what daddy said.  I'm not doing that again."  Well it's the same with racism.  Sure, your dad may have said "nigger" all the time, wore his rebel shirt, and complained all the time about rap music but once you become a certain age shouldn't you be able to see that your dad was retarded and didn't know what he was talking about?  (FYI, my parents were not like this.  They weren't hillbilly morons.  But I do recall a few parents that fit nicely into this category) Unfortunately, many of my cohorts felt that this was justifiable.  A few others gave into peer pressure or just went along with it because they fell into the category of stupid.  They had all the facts and information in front of them but they believed something to the contrary.  In high school, I won't say I excused it but I saw that these guys were being misled and just following along with what they knew.  I figured that by the time adulthood set in that they would see, "Gee that was stupid!!"  But nay, some continued on with their racist psycho-babble, although I will say that many did grow a brain, looked around, and figured out that being a bigoted hillbilly made zero sense.  This is the point that I came up with my favorite question/speech to a racist:  Who has wronged you more in life, white people or black people (or Hispanic or Asian or Indian or whatever race we were talking about)?  Has a white guy ever screwed you over?  Have you ever been in a fight with a white guy?  Do you actually know any black people (or Hispanic or Asian or Indian or whomever)?  Usually the answers were:  white people, yes, yes, and no.  Of course all of those answers were laced with a lot of buts, dammits, and "It don't matter".  I would then ask them, based on their answers, "Why don't you hate white people?  It sounds like that is who you should hate.  Damn white people screwing you over and beating you up.  You ought to focus your hate on those crackers!!"  Of course this would throw them into some sort of racist frenzy of ethnic slurs and expletives, but I felt my point was made.  The point is, we shouldn't ever hate an entire race.  We should hate douchebags of all creeds and colors.  Be angry with those who have wronged you.  You don't hate white people because some blonde-haired Aryan mutant wearing an American Eagle t-shirt kicked your ass in 9th grade.  No, you probably hate that one particular guy (but at this point I would hope that you would've gotten over it).  Transfer that same concept to other races.  I asked a woman I knew once the same series of questions a few years ago and she said that actually "several black people have wronged me."  She told me that there were a couple of guys in her high school when she was younger that would pick on her, grab her butt, and say some pretty perverted things to her.  I said, "Ok.  Fine, then be mad at them.  Those two guys were a**holes.  Did any white guys ever do anything similar to you?"  The answer was, of course they did, but she was already so set in her ways that it didn't matter.  Hating or discriminating against an entire group because of the actions of a few is stupidity in its purest form.  People should have the decent common sense to know these things, and they do at the heart of it all, but just choose to stay the route that they have chosen.

Homophobia:

1.  An extreme and irrational aversion to homosexuality and homosexual people 

I also Googled this one and was given this definition from Dictionary.com.  My favorite word in this definition is:  irrational.  See even the dictionary people know that it's stupid.  Homophobes were really prevalent through my early years.  Anytime someone was suspected of being gay, it was an automatic reason for people to shun them, make fun of them, and hate them.  I think in youth, that people tend to not like or be uncomfortable with things that they do not understand.  A majority of people growing up in the time that I did (the 80's and 90's) were raised on the story of:  boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl get naked and lay on top of each other, and boy and girl get married.  It was what was "normal" to the majority of us.  When we found out that there some boys who thought that other boys were hot, it was confusing.  When boys saw that some girls fancied other girls, most of us honestly thought it was kind of hot, but still confusing at first.  It was at this point that the homophobia could've been potentially avoided.  It was confusing, so we should've asked older and wiser people about it, gathered the information, and then realized, "So what!?!?"  Why should it matter who was attracted to who?  I was attracted to girls that had a nice round butt and blonde or black hair.  One of my buddies would only date really skinny girls.  Another liked blondes only.  Did that make any of us the subject of ridicule?  No, it was what we were attracted to.  If you are straight and you hate gay people, it is the same as being a guy who only likes big boobed blondes hating all guys who only like super skinny black haired girls.  Homophobes hate people who are attracted to people that they aren't attracted to.  When you look at it that way, does it make much sense?  Let's take it a step further and this can even tie into racism as well.  Let’s say that you were born a white, redheaded female with green eyes and as you grew up you openly hated all blonde, white, blue eyed females.  You petitioned against them, you picketed Hooters, you called them demeaning names like "Honkey-Crackerass Blondie" or "Cottontop Hookers", and lived your entire young life raging against them.  Let's say that further on down the road of life, you started active campaigns to ban them from marrying and opened rehab centers where they were offered to have their hair dyed and given color contacts.  If you did all of this, 99.999% of the population would call you a quack and a moron, or they would probably ignore you because your ideas were so ridiculous and didn't even warrant attention.  Now replace everything I just said and make the redhead a straight person and the blonde a gay person (and the rehab facility would to be there to get the "gay out of them") Same exact concept.  The redhead was born a redhead and the blonde was born a blonde (ok, not all of them but you get the point) and that is simply who they are.  They had no choice and no say as to what color their hair would be when they were swimming around their mom's belly.  Just like a person doesn't choose the color of their skin or who they are attracted to.  The skin color is strictly 100% genetic and who you are attracted to is just something that is hard-wired in your brain.  I can't explain why I like a nice, round butt on a girl any more than a gay guy can explain why he likes a nice round butt on a guy. 

When it comes to gay marriage, being actively against it is just as dumb as it was 50 or 60 years ago when there were laws against whites and blacks marrying.  We look back now and think, "Wow, how stupid was that?  That makes us look pretty narrow-minded."  Why should anyone care if two women or men are madly in love and want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives?  How can this possibly affect straight people?  New York recently legalized gay marriage and a large number (not sure how many) of gay/lesbian couples have been married there since the inception of the new law.  Do you want to know how it has affected my marriage with my wife?  None, not at all.  It has not strengthened nor has it weakened our marriage.  We didn't suddenly say, "Well, now that they gays are getting married I guess our marriage doesn't mean anything.  Let's get a divorce."  No, we were happy for them.  If two people love one another and treat each other well, then it doesn't matter.  The only way gay marriage could ever affect straight marriage would be if all straight couples were forced to divorce and marry another same-sexed person (which of course I know would never happen).  I wonder if this is what some of those people that rally against it so hard think.  Do they think they are going to be forced into a gay marriage of their own?  Are they going to have to leave the person that they have so dearly loved?  That's all I can figure is going through their heads.  As long as it is two people who love one another, then I see no problem with it, but if you want to marry your horse then we might need to have a talk. 

Racism and Homophobia boil down to one of the stupidest stances in modern times:  Hating someone for something they have no choice in.  Sure a black person (see Michael Jackson) can spend thousands of dollars trying to bleach or whiten their skin but at the heart of it all, they are still a black person.  They did not change who they are, they just lightened up their skin a bit.  And yes, a gay guy can start having sex with women but at the base of it he is still gay, he is still attracted to other guys.  They just changed their behaviors to conform to a socially accepted norm, but they're still gay.  Why waste time on hating people who are different?  It seems like a colossal waste of time.  I am sure that some will read this and rush to judgment against me, but I really ask that after you are done judging me that you go back, read my points, feel my logic, and then make a logical decision.  You may not particularly like the way a person looks or the way a person lives but it doesn't mean that you have to treat them like garbage, they are still all people.

Woohoo, TN made another top 10 list!! 8th worst state for jobs!!

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone living in TN, but our job market here is comparable to a dried up cat turd rolled in hepatitis.  In a job growth analysis conducted by our federal government, TN had the 42nd spot in job growth with a loss of 170,600 jobs since 2006 compared with TX, at #1, with an actual growth of 537,500 jobs.  Way to go Tennessee, there are only 7 states that are more depressing in the job market!!  We can also view it as an opportunity, there are 41 whole states that are more suitable for making a living, so that means you have plenty of choices on where to live. 

The classified sections of our local papers are now reduced to about 1/6th of the page.  The local arrests listed in the FYI section take up the whole page with smaller print than any other page in the paper.  The petty, depressing crime is so rampant in our area we have a weekly paper dedicated to show the faces of the arrested.  Is anyone else getting the math?  Our job market in the area is so horribly depressing that everyone is on drugs and drinking to dull the pain of unemployment.  Historically, when there are very little jobs available people turn to crime.  Every day we read about someone robbing a pharmacy for painkillers, or some caretaker ripping off their elderly patient, or some dumb teenager shoplifting from the gas station, or a new meth lab bust.  Why do you think we see this?  Because, people are getting so desperate that they are willing to do whatever it takes to make some money.  Hell, we are even seeing prostitution busts every other week in the area.  Ten years ago this would have been shocking.  There were probably a handful of hookers, now apparently they are everywhere (although, to my knowledge, I have never seen a hooker anywhere in the Tri Cities). 

This does bring me to this quick tangent.   Where are all of these hookers?  It’s not like you can drive down the main strip in Blountville and see a woman in red fishnet stockings and a cheetah thong standing in front of Pizza Plus selling some booty.  Are they hiding?  Is there some secret brothel in the Fort Henry Mall?  Perhaps it’s in the closed off section of the old Proffit's.  I always wondered what is behind those boarded up walls and shackled doors.  Maybe it’s some wild whorehouse where all the Kingsport businessmen go and you have to know the secret password to get in.  They have even busted prostitutes in Erwin; I didn't even know that they had streets for them to hook on.  Something to wonder about, but anyway back to TN being a horrible place to make a living.

I know several recent college graduates that are well qualified, intelligent human beings who cannot find a job anywhere around here.  They scour all 5 classified ads, they search through countless job sites on the Web, and they find nothing.  They might be lucky to find a job as a waiter/waitress, but they just spent 4 years in school to become a certified youth counselor.  What are they going to do, offer advice instead of an appetizer with each meal?  My wife was lucky and happened to apply at just the right time with a company as an LPN, but half of the nursing school class that she graduated with still hasn’t found work.  We see it dramatized and made light of in movies and TV, but this often leads to people scheming for illegal ways to make money.  Look at "Weeds", it’s funny and it’s a good show but it’s really not that far-fetched.  A recently widowed mother selling weed to make ends meet?  Doesn't sound like a bad idea.  (And by the way, as I have said before, if we legalized marijuana then it would create a bevy of new legitimate jobs.  Growers, distributers, sellers, etc.)  This is why we see all of those sad, drunken, beat-up faces in the Busted! or Arrested! or whatever it’s called paper every week.  I would venture a guess that 70 to 80% (or perhaps higher) do not have a job or have had trouble finding a job.  You don't read about rich white guys knocking off the Roadrunner Market.  You don't see CEOs driving around with portable meth labs in the trunks of their Mercedes.  You don't see doctors selling sex to unhappy, married businessmen in a seedy motel.  No, people who have money or have a good job are usually focused and never think about this kind of crime.  They may think of ways of cheating people out of money by creative accounting, but never some low rent, quick money crime.  We have to find a way to make jobs, money, and happy people in TN and this is where I come in again.

1. As I have argued before, legalize marijuana.  I have stated before the potential benefits there would be tax-wise, but now I will argue from the job market point of view.  People in Tennessee already grow a lot of pot, there are plenty of people who sell pot in Tennessee, and there are a heck of a lot of people who smoke pot in Tennessee, but right now, it is 100% illegal.  Just think if it was legal.  We could see thriving farms with plenty of workers growing marijuana alongside their corn.  A farmer with a large enough crop could employee maybe 10 to 15 people to harvest and package the stuff.  After the harvest, the farmer could sell it directly to a marijuana dispensary or to a wholesaler who sold it to a dispensary.  Each dispensary would have to have several employees as would each wholesale distributor.  Over half of the people we are arresting could be gainfully employed because they do this anyway, the only difference would be that it would be legit. 
2. Clean this place up.  It's no wonder that new businesses and well-established companies don't want to come here.  There is a lot of depressing scenery around here.  I look around Kingsport and there is eye sore after eye sore of abandoned, old, decrepit buildings littering the landscape of the "city".  They all serve as a reminder of a failed dream that some businessman once had.  I know that Kingsport is trying to get rid of a lot of these places and build new businesses but they need to do more, faster.  I'm sure this sounds wasteful and pessimistic, but think about it.  You are the owner of chain of upscale restaurants and you are looking to open up a new location.  If you see all kinds of abandoned buildings of failed businesses of the past, how confident will you be about opening up in that area? 
3. Work on improving already existing businesses.  Go out and support these places, buy crap from them, quit ordering everything off the internet (unless you are ordering through Amazon and clicking through my site), and eat out every now and then.  These places have to have money to pay their employees, if you are not supporting the business then how do they pay them? 
4. Legalized prostitution.  Okay, maybe not but with as many people as there are screwing strangers they might as well make a buck.

I don't have all the answers but I do have some advice.  If you can't find a job in the field that you are qualified for or trained for, then move.  Go to a city that has what you are looking for.  Don't feel obligated to stay here just because you grew up here or you have family here.  If you have a family here, don't you think they want to see you succeed rather than crumble under the crippling job market and sell meth to feed your kids? 

Standardized Test for Qualification of Reproducing Offspring

I made out this little standardized test a couple of months ago after encountering a young girl at the park who told my kids that she was going to "kick them in the cock".  I approached the girl's mother and she was very busy with her iPhone, texting away.  When I told her what her kid said, she looked up at me, shrugged her shoulders, said "Kids will be kids", and went back to texting.  The girl was probably about 19-21 and obviously not ready for parenthood.  I thought this test might be a good idea for anyone thinking about getting pregnant or anyone who is having vast amounts of unprotected sex.  I feel that a lot of our nations problems could be solved if people were to take this test to qualify to be a parent.  If they fail, they would be sterilized and released.  If they pass, then they could proceed with the reproduction process.

Standardized Parenting Test (with answer key)
Before reproducing, we are now requiring that you take this test to determine your eligibility and capability of becoming a parent.

1. Do you like children?  (if answer is “no” you may go ahead and turn in the test, you’re done)
2. Do you have a way to support a child?  (if answer is “no” you may go ahead and turn in the test, you’re done)
3. How often do you have to feed a child?  (if answer is less than 3 times a day or “I dunno”, turn in the test, you’re done)
4. Are you emotionally available?  (if answer is “no” turn in the test, you’re done)

True or False portion of Standardized Parenting Test

1. TV is an excellent babysitter.      True       False
2. Potato chips are a vegetable       True       False
3. Finishing school is not that important      True       False
4. My cell phone is my best friend.                               True       False
5. Having a baby will be so cool, we’ll be best friends           True       False
6. Watching “16 and Pregnant” on MTV inspired me.            True       False
7. I can still go clubbing every weekend when I’m a parent                True       False
8. Babies make excellent accessories           True       False
9. TV will teach my child what I can’t            True       False
10. Cursing kids are funny                                   True       False
11. Bathing my child & dressing them is optional       True       False

If you answered “True” to any of the above questions, you are not allowed to mate.  (Except #10, because sometimes it is kind of funny, but still you shouldn’t admit it)
Your grade will determine if you are going to be eligible to be a parent.  If you pass, you should already know it, if you are not sure….Don’t call us for the results, we’ll call you

Horrible Pick Up Lines from a Desperate Man

When I was younger I had a friend we will call "Clark" and he had a theory that he worked on almost daily.  Every time we went out in our group it was a given that we would hear sounds of disgust from some of the women at the bar or party or even the mall that we were at.  It wasn't (necessarily) because of our looks but rather from the horrible, explicit, and plain pathetic pickup lines utilizied by Clark.  You see Clark's theory was that you didn't have to be clever, handsome, or charming to get a woman into bed.  No, it was purely a numbers game to him.  He figured that he could say whatever he wanted to a prospective female and yeah a lot of the time he would fail but eventually some girl would fall for him.  A terrible theory, I know, but he practiced it without shame every time.  I was thinking and laughing about his numerous failed attempts earlier and I thought it would be funny to compile a list of his "pick up" lines for entertainment purposes and possibly a cautionary How-Not-To guide.  Warning to sensitive people explicit language follows because editing it loses the impact.
1. "Nice shoes.  Wanna fuck?" - said to a girl wearing go-go boots at the Planet
2.  "Girl, you sure know how to make me hard". - said to an off duty stripper we saw at a party once
3. "Baby, baby you need to come back to my mom's house tonight." - said to an 40 something woman at the lake
4.  "Girl, you've got the most beautiful eyes" - said to too many women to count.  What made it funny was that it was usually said to a girl weariing either sunglasses or in a badly lit bar.
5.  "Baby, I bet its been awhile since you've had some good pipe laid to you" - said to a very heavy set girl sitting alone at the Sophisticated Otter.  He was considerate enough to tell her that they would have to do it at the bar since he rode his motorcycle.
6.  "Girl, I'm just like Burger King, You can have me YOUR way!" - said to an actual on duty cashier at Burger King as he was trying to "seduce" her away from her job.
7.  "How much do you think your tits weigh?" - to a well endowed girl at the Planet
8.  "I got my red wings" - said after a female tried to put him off by saying she was on her period
9.  "If I can't get you, what about one of your friends" - another popular one used when he approached a group.  He figured it was easier this way.
10.  "Which one of you wants some of this (pointing towards his groin)"  - also said to groups of females
11.  "Would you stay with me, I'm drunk and don't want anyone to take advantage of me." - said at one of my parties Senior year
These were just some of the good ones I could remember.  A lot of the time women would just start migrating away from him when he arrived if they already knew him.  I cannot think of ever meeting a woman who admitted to sleeping with him.  He always had stories of girls that he took home but oddly enough he never picked them up if any of us were around.  He later stated that we were obviously bad luck.

The Man Who Didn't Drown

A month or so ago there was a mysterious story in the local paper, the Kingsport Times News, about a man that might have drowned in Boone Lake but no body was ever found.  All that was found in the area that the man was last seen in was a pair of tennis shoes.  Witness accounts told of a highly intoxicated, belligerent man standing in a wooded area near the shore of the lake.  When one witness asked the man what he was doing the man replied that he had been attacked and stabbed, but wanted to be left alone.  The witness told the man that he was going to call the police and that is when the man jumped into the water and was never seen resurfacing again.
So what happened?  Did a Boone Lake Monster eat him?  Did he get chopped up in the propeller of a boat?  What was the fate of this poor soul?

Well, I can tell you:  He is alive and well with a lesson learned.  He told me the story of what really happened that night and it was one of the funniest stories I have ever been told.  He is a friend of mine and he will remain anonymous (we will call him Jim) but his story has to be told.  Perhaps the story can work as a cautionary tale or in my case; I think it’s pretty damn funny.

Jim, like many others in the area, enjoys going to the local marina, have some drinks, mingle with friends, and listen to some music whenever he gets a chance.  On this night, he was having some drinks with a couple of friends and was offered some weed by one of his buddies.  (Quick side note:  Jim has never really been a pot smoker; it does weird, annoying things to him.  He gets overly paranoid.)  Jim declined several times, but as we all know peer pressure can get the best of us.  Jim and his friend, who we will call Dickie, went out into the side parking lot where they would be out of view for the most part.  Jim was still protesting with Dickie as he pulled out the weed and rolled a nice, lovely joint.  "Dickie, I really can't do this.  You've never seen me smoke before, I don't like it." said Jim, almost sounding like the Hulk warning people not to make him angry.  Dickie convinced him that this was top notch stuff and that it wouldn't "weird" him out like the other stuff. Reluctantly, and perhaps a bit drunkenly, Jim gave in and smoked with Dickie.

Jim was feeling fine at first, a little paranoid, but fine nonetheless.  As they were finishing the last of the joint, Jim saw a flashing blue and red light out of the side of his eye.  "Aww hell, I'm seeing things" he thought.  What he was seeing was actually the police; they were looking for someone who had been involved in an assault.  However, this was not how paranoid Jim perceived the situation.  As Jim told me, "Dude, I could've sworn that I heard them say something about a stabbing.  I was higher than a motherf**ker and I didn't want to get blamed.  So I ran."  Jim has a paranoia about police to begin with.  Jim told me that he ran as far as he could with lungs full of smoke and body full of alcohol into a small wooded area away from the marina.  (As it was told from Dickie later, the cops never even got near where they were standing.)  Tired, out of breath, and confused, Jim stood by the side of the lake to try to collect himself.  He didn't realize at first that he was standing on someone's property, and why would he notice, he was drunk AND stoned.  The property owner happened to see Jim lurking around his woods near the lake. He pointed his flashlight and yelled, "Hey, what the hell are you doing down there?"  Now here is where things could've easily been defused by apologizing and walking away.  Instead, this is the point that set off the chain reaction of a potential dumb, comedic, action flick.  Jim yelled back at the man, "Are you the police?  Are you the cops, man?" the man assured him that he wasn't a police officer but he was about to call them if he didn't get some answers and get off the property.  That small threat set Jim's Paranoia Meter off the charts.  Jim yelled back at the man, "I've been stabbed.  Just leave me alone.  I'll be fine.  I'm just bleeding."  None of this was true but I asked Jim why he would tell them he had been stabbed.  "I don't know man, I was flippin' out and I remember the cops were looking for someone who had been stabbed.  Dammit, I don't know, I was high and drunk man.  You say stupid sh*t when you're both." 
The potential of a stabbing victim laying in your backyard and possibly bleeding out is not a very ideal situation for a property owner.  So, the man told Jim to stay put and he was going to call someone for him.  Most people at this point would've probably waited for the man to turn around and then make a run for it or try to talk their way out of the situation, but not Jim.  Jim's mind was in another dimension at the moment, filled with fear and paranoia.  Jim saw his only viable option was to yell "f*ck you!!" and jump, fully clothed, into the dark lake.
According to the man, when he was interviewed by the police that showed up a few minutes later, he never saw the inebriated man surface after jumping into the water and assumed he had drowned.  Well apparently for Jim, being stoned, drunk, and scared makes him have the super power of swimming really fast underwater without much air.  Jim made his way to the docks close to the marina.  He looked around to make sure no one was around before climbing out of the water.  Once he was on the docks, he assessed his situation:  He was soaking wet, the cops were now definitely looking for him, and he lost his shoes along the way.  Jim could see from where he was sitting the blue & red lights flashing off in the distance, he knew that he had to hide.
Jim has always had a unique way of thinking; he looks at situations differently than a lot of people.  Another person in this type of situation may have kept on moving to get as far away as possible from this situation, maybe even make a break for it to their car but not Jim.  Jim saw an opportunity at those docks and took a huge risk.  He noticed several of the boats had those tight, Snap-On, pull over covers on them.  So, Jim found the nicest, roomiest one that he could quickly hop in to, undid the snaps, and wiggled his way under the cover and into the boat.  There was not enough room in the boat to stand up, so he made himself a pillow of life jackets and laid down to wait out the cop situation.  I guess the life-jacket pillow was more comfortable than it sounds because Jim fell dead asleep in the stranger's boat. 
The next morning he was awoken by the sounds of people on the docks and by the sunlight trying to shine through the cover of the boat.  He figured it was time to bail; there was no way that the cops were still looking for him, right?  But just to be careful, he opened up a small corner of the cover to peak out and see if all was clear.  He figured he would see a pedestrian or two on their way to their boat for a day of fishing and fun, and he figured he could talk his way around that if he needed to, but what he saw instead was something there was no way he was talking himself out of.  Through his tiny hole he saw police everywhere around the dock, a helicopter hovering above, and two police dogs.  "Holy sh*t" he thought.  What could he do?  Well, nothing really, he decided that it would be best to button the cover back on, lay down on his life-jacket pillow, and go back to sleep.
The police called off their search around 1pm that day after dragging the bottom of the lake and finding nothing but a pair of shoes.  They theorized that perhaps he floated down stream or perhaps didn't drown after all, but they said if anyone had any additional, helpful information to please call them. 
Going back to sleep, although potentially dangerous because of the chance that the boat owners could've shown up at any time that day, was actually a good move on Jim's part.  He woke up around sundown, peaked his head out again, and saw no more cops, no more dogs, and no more helicopter.  He climbed out, still slightly wet, sweating, and stinking like a corpse and made his way to a phone.  The person working at the marina was kind enough to allow him to make a call for someone to pick him up.  Jim offered no explanation to the marina worker, but then again they didn't ask either. 
Once he got home, he called Dickie to let him know that he made it home.  "Oh my God, we all thought you were dead.  The cops were out at the marina all day looking for your body, they said a drunk guy had drowned." Dickie told him.  Jim told him the whole story and asked if the cops were still looking for him.  Dickie told him that he needed to call them and tell them he was okay, he assured him that the cops didn't know who he was, and they just were looking for the body of a drunk, drowned man but had no name to go with it. 
Jim didn't see any reason to tell the cops his name for see his home number.  So he drove to a pay phone (yes those still exist) and made the following call:

911 operator:  911, what is your emergency?
Jim:  Uhh, yeah.  You know that guy you all are looking for that you thought had drowned last night?
911 operator:  Yes sir, do you have information on this?
Jim:  Yeah, tell them that I am fine and they can quit looking for me, I didn't drown.  (click)

He hung up, mission accomplished.  The newspaper never published a follow up; the evening news never said another word about it.  We just assume that some things are better left unsaid to the media, save a little embarrassment.  But as for me, I thought it was funny enough to share and just leave the names of the guilty as a mystery. 

*Note:  If you think you have figured out who "Jim" or "Dickie" are, please don't call them out on it.  You can send me an e-mail with your theories as to who it is but don't do it publicly.