Advice Blog: "Dude, It'd Probably be Easier if You Were Gay"

Yeah, that really is the title of this one. And yeah, I really did tell someone that. I have a good sound reason too. It's not because this guy or any guy that has women problems seems to have any "gay tendencies" or I feel that they are in the closet or anything. No, it's because at a certain point communicating with women and deciphering their secret code can become so frustrating that it could cross one's mind. Same for women too. I hear women say all the time, "I swear, I'm almost at the point of writing off men for good" but you never hear, "Dude, it'd probably be easier if you were gay"....until now.

I was talking to a friend the other day that has had a bad run with women here lately and it always seems to come down to simple communication problems. You see women and men, fundamentally, communicate differently and although there is nothing wrong with that, it's still maddening. I'm not going to get into that hacky, typical comedian thing of "Hey, did you ever notice women do (enter cliché here)? But I will say that women will beat around the bush about what they want from a man. She may say something like, "I've not eaten much today" and what that means when translated to Man-talk says, "Hey, will you get me something to eat?" I will also say that women tend to mask what they want with vagueness like, "I want to take things slow" or "I think we are moving too fast". Now I don't know how to translate that to Man-talk because it is so vague. My friend had this said to him from the last couple of girls he has dated. I don't know what the hell this means, and to be honest, no one knows what it means, man or woman, it's simply something to say to throw the man off. I've tried to decipher the meaning and even came up with some plausible ideas of what it might mean (No sex, too much hanging, too much calling, meeting the parents, etc.) but I can't be sure. The woman might be fine with a lot of sex but you are calling her too much or she doesn't want the sex but would really like to hang out more. Who knows? When I was stuck in the dating world 136 years ago, I got one of those statements several times and I would ask, "Ok. So what do you want then? Am I calling too much? Should we have sex less often? What is it?" Inevitably it was always another vague answer to a specific question, "No, it's just that I want to take it slow"

If a man were to say something like this (which would probably not happen) it would be much more specific like, "Listen, you are being too clingy, I need some guy time, quit blowing up my phone, but let's still have sex whenever possible" And why is that? Because typically men say exactly what they want. We do not practice the art of being vague, we don't dance around a subject, and we certainly do not do little tests. Which is another thing; women do the "test-talk" all the time. "That girl has a nice body don't you think, honey?" the female might say and since men say what they mean a male might say yes. But no that was a test, he isn't supposed to find other women attractive, he lost sight of other beauty when he met his girlfriend, his eyes cannot even register the opposite sex, everyone just looks grey and featureless anymore!! There are a million examples of this and I think you get my point and now that brings me back around full-circle to my statement of it might be easier to be gay.

I'm not trying to down play how it is to be a gay man or woman in this world; I know that there are many struggles that they have to go through in society. What I am saying is, at the root of it, excluding outside judgment and homophobes, being gay would be pretty easy, especially for a man. Of course, there is also the problem for some that they don't find other dudes attractive but if that was taken out it would be great. The guy could hang out with his best friend; they could watch sports, drink, take a dump without shame, scratch their balls without judgment, and would never have to worry about communication problems. A dream monogamous gay dude situation would be watching the Super Bowl, guzzling iced mugs of beer, smoking cigars, and eating some hot wings. The only downfall would be that you'd half to have sex later. But if you could get past the part where you aren't attracted to other dudes, wouldn't that be great?

Or let's say that you've grown tired of women and their games and you just want to go out, try some dudes, and have no strings attached. Shazam, son!! If you are looking for anonymous-no-strings sex, look no further than Craiglist. If you've never read through Craigslist "casual encounters" or "missed connections" section then you are missing out on a treat. It goes back to what I was saying earlier, that men say exactly what they want and what they are thinking, and apparently men want some pretty damn dirty things. I just want to give some real examples real quick, none of this has been pre-screened; I just simply went there and these are some of the gems I found: (I think it goes without saying that this blog is getting ready to be pretty explicit, so if you are easily offended, then it's time to go)

•   From Bristol - "clean and discreet cock sucker swallowing loads. nice looking total bottom. stop by econo lodge rm to to to on commonwealth and use my mouth. clean tight butt needs a good drilling also. have some porn."
• From Bristol - "I AM A COCKSUCKER TRIED AND TRUE.  LOVE TO SUCK, DEEPTHROAT, SWALLOW CUM, RIM AND WORSHIP HOT GUYS.
  MARRIED, STR8 AND UNCUT ARE PLUSES BUT NOT REQUIREMENTS.
  IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, YOU SHOULD BE 50 OR UNDER, HWP, AND HAVE BALLS FULL OF CUM."
• From, you guessed it, Bristol - " I want someone to come over and plow the hell out of my ass and use my throat as hard as you want.. send pics and i do whatever you ask. i will be your sex slave."
• And probably my favorite one that I found tonight, from Asheville - "Hosting now in my hotel- dressed in panties, stockings garter, lace...got a room full of panties, an ass filled with a dildo, and a cock that needs sucking....please bring your eager mouth
  Will bottom for right guy- Will let u cum and pee on me if that's your thing
  6'3 200lbs white married cd 6.5 cut and shaved"

What most of the guys are hoping for
on Craigslist.

See? These are gay dudes being honest about what the hell they want. They don't want to be your friend, they don't want to have some deep intellectual conversation, they want to get down and dirty. This kind of talk would not and could not work with 90% of women (unless you are paying them and that is their profession). With women, it is a cat-and-mouse game of getting down to the bottom of what each of them want. No one is going to be that out and tell you that it's perfectly ok to piss on them in a bar. If you like dudes or you are fed up with women and want to try a dude, Craigslist seems to be the place to go.

I know it's not very practical advice for most because chances are that if you've dated women your entire dating life then you probably like women and think dudes are gross. This is the one chink in my advice armor. I couldn't do it but perhaps if you get desperate enough it might be the right way to go for you.