So last night Katie and I ventured our way through the desert to Palm Springs to see the giant Marylin Monroe statue. My hopes were to see if I could look up her dress and see the glory but alas it was nothing more than colorless concrete. (Does this mean that Ms. Monroe's lady garden was nothing glorious but rather a dry hard place forboding of all men?) It just so happened however that there was some sort of giant street fair going on all around the statue up and down the main strip of Palm Springs. We looked at it as a fortunate experience because we were in dire wanting some activity.
The street was lined with an assortment of people of all different sorts. Dolly Parton's methed-out twin sister sold me a necklace made of carved cow bones. A failed Romanian gymnast sold Katie some crab earrings and a cobra bracelet. An angry Armenian sold me the greatest pair of sunglasses ever (picture to come in the future when I'm at a computer that isn't from 1983). Two 6'3 drag queens roamed the streets soliciting people for pictures at $10 a pop. It was great, it was everything I wanted out of a California experience. Live music, "You Got Served" style dance-offs, and strange market foods abounded everywhere but one of the most unique experiences was yet to come.
As we made our way down the strip, we came across what I called a "Hippie Crystal Chakra Shop" which sold healing crystals, dreamcatchers, little Bhudda insence burners, tarot cards, unicorn meat, and every other sort of thing you would associate with crystal hippies. We went in because, although I don't believe in any of that nonsense, I still find it fascinating. In the middle of a store sat a bald man adorned in crystals and what looked like a discarded Guess shirt bought or found at a Goodwill store. He was advertised as a "Psychic as seen on TV". It didn't list what TV show he was on, but it also didn't discount the fact that it could've been on public access.
I don't put much, if any, faith in psychics. I find that they usually are just really good at reading people based on posture, facial expressions, and leading questions. Sometimes they get lucky and sometimes they are able to lead the follower into giving up all the information to make an informed decision. Katie wanted to see what he was all about. She begged for like 10 minutes and I finally said "Fine, see what he says." The guy worked off of "donations" so there was no set price for his services, so I figured what's the harm. We walked over to the little man after he had finished with what appeared to be a happy customer and Katie asked him for his services. He agreed but told me that I could not be present and that perhaps I should take a walk. I smiled, rolled my eyes and strolled around looking at all the self-help books and pictures of the Dhali Lama.
Katie sat with the man for about ten minutes and she came and found me when she was done. As she approached me it looked as if a ghost had just took a crap down her throat. "What?" I asked. She proceeded to tell me all that he fortold. He told her that she could ask him three things of her choosing and no more. It could be done in the form of a question or simply a name. Katie didn't want to give him too much to work with so she kept it simple and said, "My husband." The little man with the crystals and the Goodwill Guess shirt told her that I have cancer and that he regreted to tell her that I would not survive. Now this, I hate to admit, did kind of hit home because as some of you may know I've had cancer in the past and beat it and as it stands today, I'm awaiting some test results that will tell me if I have multiple myeloma which they suspect. I'm not worried about it because that is not really my nature but it does cross my mind and it worries Katie to death.
Katie was floored at this man's response about me and she said, "Holy f**king shit!!" He was taken aback by that and told her not to say that as he was a Christian and he promptly prayed her misgivings away before proceeding. She then asked about our children and somehow he nailed them down to a "t". He told their ages and even knew that our oldest child was her step-child. Pretty trippy stuff. He told her that they would be fine after I'm gone and that they would "get over it in time." She then asked about herself, would she be okay and would she be alone forever. The crystal Christian psychic man told her that she would feel near death after I died but would recover with the help of her father (whom she is very close to) and our children and would eventually be with someone who is already in our lives. Which my interpretation was that she was going to start dating one of my friends dammit!! Murphy is my one single friend so I guess that means, "Murphy, you better be good to my wife when you marry her after I die."
So Katie told me all of this through tears and confusion. I don't know what to really think of it so I've decided that I'm going to put this psychic to the test. Today I'm going back, dress in a nice button up shirt, not wear a hat, and just look totally different and see if I get the same fortelling. Katie will not be with me, of course, for I fear that it would be a dead give away. I will let everyone know by the end of the California day whether or not I'm going to die or not.
On the bright side of things, whether or not my prediciton of death holds up, I'll be going to the Comedy Store tonight to see two of my favorite comedians, Marc Maron and Sam Tripoli. I'll look at it as a nice dying wish or a good victory.
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