As per the usual I'm off on a summer vacation with my wife and kids....and in-laws. I wanted to document the travels day by day and see how the weirdness stacks up.
California. A destination of dreams for me for pretty much the last 31 years of life and if you're counting that would mean basically since I came screaming out of my mother's stomach in 1981. Everything that I'm interested in and care about when it comes to entertainment and music comes from California. So it was to my absolute delight that I found that this years vacation would be to the glorious previously unvisited by me California.
A lot of build up has been leading to this trip, a lot of hassle, a lot of near cancelations, but come as of this past Thursday it was absolutely set into concrete with no turning back. To avoid extra money and hassle, my wife and I decided to fly from Atlanta instead of our home base "airport" of the Tri-Cities. Somehow it was an extra $300 per ticket to fly from there?!?! So on Thursday, after what seemed like 2 straight days of packing, we set out for the 4 hour drive to Atlanta where we were planning on staying with my mom who lives down there before flying out.
As with any good and proper road trip there are always fun little stories that happen along the way and this was one without exception. As we made our way into North Carolina we decided that we were hungry and stopped off at the fabulous McDonalds of whatever God-forsaken area we were in. I'm not a fan of the place but it was the only offer of any "food" substances within several miles. After choking down the chicken paste that had been formed into fun-sized nuggets, I made a trip to the bathroom to avoid any further unnecessary stops in our trip. My visist to this magical McDonald's made the entire drive worth it for me when I overheard the following exchange between two gentlemen around the age of dead dressed in what I figured was either their Sunday best or their Anticipatory Funeral Uniform.
Man #1: I tell you John, the end is drawing nigh for this whole world. I jest feel it.
Man #2 (John, I presume): No doubt brother, make no mistake about it. God has had about enough of this nonsense. I feel his holy wrath will be upon us any day now. We're living in a modern day Sodom and Gommorah.
Man #1: Yessir, did you see that girl at the register with her nose pierced and that tattoo on her arm? Looked like one of Satan's harlots if you ask me and you could see it in her, not one bit of shame in her heart for it. Ain't gonna be no pierced noses or tattoos in the heaven I'm goin' to.
John, I guess?: Amen brother, amen!! Well I guess I'll see you in church Sunday?
Man #1: You better believe it!!
It was all I could do to contain my laughter while hiding away in the stall listening to this exchange. Old people are hilarious. The way they think and judge people just tickles me with delight. I just hope the world doesn't end on them before they can meet up on Sunday again.
Anyway the rest of the drive to Georgia was pretty uneventful and we arrived at around 10:30pm that evening at my mom's house. Katie was not ready for sleep and I was up for whatever as well, our flight didn't leave until Saturday so we had all of Friday to rest and visit. So I did what any good and brave husband would do, I took Katie to the midnight opening of "Magic Mike" the Channing Tatum/Matthew McCounaghey stripper movie. For some reason she has a thing for men with perfectly chiseled bodies that can dance, which does leave some concern for me since I can't dance.
Anyway we got the tickets and the theater was packed for the grand premiere of this movie. I didn't mind to see it because I heard that it at least had a story line worthy of not falling asleep to. When we arrived it was a pure sea of estrogen, nothing but wall to wall teenage to middle age girls and women all excited and squealing. I knew this was coming but I love my wife lady and didn't mind. When we made it to our seat I decided to do a "man" head count. By my scientific count, including myself, there was a total of 8 men in the entire theater of roughly 342. Eight!! And of that eight, I was fairly sure that at least four of them were there for the same reason Katie and the other 334 females were there for...Tanning Chatum (yes I know it's wrong but no one ever corrects me when I say it out loud and it's funny to hear women agree with me). The movie, suprisingly enough, was pretty good. It wasn't completely about well built men shaking their balls in women's faces, it wasn't all about younger men dry humping questionably attractive women on stage, no there was more to it. No the two stars of the show for me where the vomit eating pig and the pot dealer who (unseen in the film) that apparently kept McCounaghey high as a kite throughout the entire movie to the point where he had trouble stringing together more than one coherent sentence at a time.
I was glad to say that I felt that 90% of the women who attended this premeire left unsatisfied. They never got to see Tanning Chatum's frank and beans, it was kind of a weird artsy film, and there was a big shot of McCounaghey's backsack. An audible groan eminated the entire theater when it simply ended without resolution while the loan sound of laughter came roaring out of me followed by many dirty looks from teenage girls who snuck in.
We went back to my mom's house in the suburbs after that at about 2:30 in the morning and prepared for our ultimate departure on Saturday. If anyone has ever flew out of Atlanta, they can tell you that getting to and parking at that airport can be a nightmare that not too many people would dare choose to inflict upon themselves. We were trying to figure every which way out of it that we could and finally my dad offered to the solution of staying at a hotel near the airport and just riding the shuttle into the airport directly. Great idea, right? In theory yes.
In case you didn't know, dear reader, that airport hotels are made for two things: travelers and hookers. Hooker's love to stay at these hotels because the theory is that most of these travelers are lonely businessmen traveling around the country in need of some no strings attached loving. My dad is a frequent traveler but didn't really know about this particular hotel that he booked for us. As we were driving to the airport, we crossed a bridge and noticed a very attractive girl with her skirt hiked up above her ass with a man digging his hands into it. "Ahh, don't worry Katie. It's just a hooker." I told my wife. Well, upon arriving at the Hampton Inn we discovered that it was more along the lines of Hooker Inn. I was almost immediately accosted by a larger, unattractive woman of undetermined race/ethnicity and told that I could have her for the price of a mere $200. I explained in the kindest of words, no. Katie must have heard this same woman as she was waiting for me in the car as she explaining aloud to her friends, "I'mma bout to go pop my thing up in Room 408 and gets me about $200 tonight, girl" This was all that Katie needed to hear. As I was inside checking in, I was unaware that Katie was on her cell phone making other plans at a nicer hotel. By the time I got to the car, it was done. No more Hooker Inn, we were off to the Grande Plaze which we were guaranteed was "Hooker-Free".
Just wait until you get to California! A friend of mine summed it up several years ago when moving to Abingdon from San Diego. She said it was like being beamed down from another planet! And when I visited Northern California, I agreed. Totally different mindset and attitude. I wish I were there again! Can't wait to read your adventure! CS PS. Take lots of pics!
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