I don't believe I mentioned this tidbit of information earlier but my wife is absolutely terrified of flying. It's not a small fear, it's more of a soul-crushing, tears flowing, vomit inducing fear. The moment that we stepped of the shuttle bus at the airport my wife went into full-blown panic mode. Thousands of people were rushing to their flights and to security with ease and confidence...not Katie. No, she was rushing to find where she had shoved her "flying pills" or as they are better known, Xanax. Before I tell you this might I say that if I took only one Xanax I would be completely incompacitated for the next 8 to 10 hours. I would be lying in a puddle of my own drool while being stepped over by all the other alert air travelers. Katie, my dear panicked wife, she pulls out not one but two Xanax's and throws them down her throat. Now take note that we have only arrived at the airport and there is still security to go through and the security line is seemingly a mile long.
As we are standing in line, the Xanax takes hold. Katie goes completely goofy-eyed. I spend the next 45 minutes nudging her along through security and apologizing for her complete lack of coordination. Luckily we make it through and get to our gate unscathed and undetained. I kept waiting for the hammer to fall and be yanked out of line for suspected human trafficking. I could just imagine the invasive full body search that awaited me and how no one would listen that I wasn't trying to smuggle my wife but that she was just really nervous and had taken too many "flying pills". But alas, I made it with my dignity in tact. I thought that we were homefree when we made it to our gate but I did not count on the fact that we would be flying across country with my in-laws. I can get along fine with them but Katie and her mother are a different story. They love each other like bin Laden loved America.
A verbal argument immediately ensued the moment that they saw each other. As their voices grew louder and the name calling got deeply more nasty, my fear once again grew of the TSA tackling one us and dragging us away to some dank room and stripping us naked. I've learned that in these situations that all I can do try to be a voice of reason, but if you know of anything dealing with in-laws and your spouse there is no reason or logic. Only my wife and her parents have the unique ability to argue while under the influence of a benzo. I finally got everyone involved to shut up and seperate. We would be sitting on the plane in two totally different sections and the worries should end there.
We boarded and found our cramped quarters in coach as the in-laws sat in First Class, which to my surprise wasn't all that great to begin with. The main difference in my opinion was the fact that two people sat to a row rather than three and the flight attendant seemed to care about their well-being a little more...oh that and free booze. Free booze would've been a God-send back in coach. I could not get my first nerve calming alcoholic beverage fast enough. My nerves weren't shot due to the anxiety of flight but rather the tension of witnessing a verbal assault and then trying to get three children settled in to their seats while finding all of their headsets and video games. As I was nervously awaiting a strong drink, I looked up to first class and noticed with envy that my mother in law was already sipping on her first Chardonnay. Damn you coach and your slow booze slinging flight attendants!! When I finally got a chance to order a drink I made sure to go ahead and make an "anticipatory order". God forbid I run out of alcohol and have to wait another 10 minutes. So I ordered some Merlot and three shooters of vodka, enough to last through the next 4 hours I hoped.
As I settled in with my first glass of wine, I felt that things were starting to calm down. I put my earbuds in to listen to the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast. I was set...until I looked over at my wife. Somehow she had turned an odd shade of green and was desperately looking for a "barf bag". As any good husband would do, I first pretended not to notice her and continued listening to my iPod and went to sleep. Ok, ok, I didn't do that. I tended to her needs and actually talked her mom into giving up her First Class seat to Katie so that she would have some more room to breathe. The combination of fear, anxiety, motion sickness, and "flying pills" I fear became too much for her to bear. She spent the next 3 1/2 hours puking with the First Classers while I sat crammed with my kids and a nice Asian man in coach.
I found later that she chilled out enough to stop being sick and was able to enjoy her flight. But I wonder now as I write this, "Was this just her big plot to be able to sit in First Class all along?" If so, may I just say, "Well done Katie, well done."
Check back tommorrow or later today for Part 2 of day 3 when we actually got to California and experienced the decadence of Hollywood.
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