The Man Who Didn't Drown

A month or so ago there was a mysterious story in the local paper, the Kingsport Times News, about a man that might have drowned in Boone Lake but no body was ever found.  All that was found in the area that the man was last seen in was a pair of tennis shoes.  Witness accounts told of a highly intoxicated, belligerent man standing in a wooded area near the shore of the lake.  When one witness asked the man what he was doing the man replied that he had been attacked and stabbed, but wanted to be left alone.  The witness told the man that he was going to call the police and that is when the man jumped into the water and was never seen resurfacing again.
So what happened?  Did a Boone Lake Monster eat him?  Did he get chopped up in the propeller of a boat?  What was the fate of this poor soul?

Well, I can tell you:  He is alive and well with a lesson learned.  He told me the story of what really happened that night and it was one of the funniest stories I have ever been told.  He is a friend of mine and he will remain anonymous (we will call him Jim) but his story has to be told.  Perhaps the story can work as a cautionary tale or in my case; I think it’s pretty damn funny.

Jim, like many others in the area, enjoys going to the local marina, have some drinks, mingle with friends, and listen to some music whenever he gets a chance.  On this night, he was having some drinks with a couple of friends and was offered some weed by one of his buddies.  (Quick side note:  Jim has never really been a pot smoker; it does weird, annoying things to him.  He gets overly paranoid.)  Jim declined several times, but as we all know peer pressure can get the best of us.  Jim and his friend, who we will call Dickie, went out into the side parking lot where they would be out of view for the most part.  Jim was still protesting with Dickie as he pulled out the weed and rolled a nice, lovely joint.  "Dickie, I really can't do this.  You've never seen me smoke before, I don't like it." said Jim, almost sounding like the Hulk warning people not to make him angry.  Dickie convinced him that this was top notch stuff and that it wouldn't "weird" him out like the other stuff. Reluctantly, and perhaps a bit drunkenly, Jim gave in and smoked with Dickie.

Jim was feeling fine at first, a little paranoid, but fine nonetheless.  As they were finishing the last of the joint, Jim saw a flashing blue and red light out of the side of his eye.  "Aww hell, I'm seeing things" he thought.  What he was seeing was actually the police; they were looking for someone who had been involved in an assault.  However, this was not how paranoid Jim perceived the situation.  As Jim told me, "Dude, I could've sworn that I heard them say something about a stabbing.  I was higher than a motherf**ker and I didn't want to get blamed.  So I ran."  Jim has a paranoia about police to begin with.  Jim told me that he ran as far as he could with lungs full of smoke and body full of alcohol into a small wooded area away from the marina.  (As it was told from Dickie later, the cops never even got near where they were standing.)  Tired, out of breath, and confused, Jim stood by the side of the lake to try to collect himself.  He didn't realize at first that he was standing on someone's property, and why would he notice, he was drunk AND stoned.  The property owner happened to see Jim lurking around his woods near the lake. He pointed his flashlight and yelled, "Hey, what the hell are you doing down there?"  Now here is where things could've easily been defused by apologizing and walking away.  Instead, this is the point that set off the chain reaction of a potential dumb, comedic, action flick.  Jim yelled back at the man, "Are you the police?  Are you the cops, man?" the man assured him that he wasn't a police officer but he was about to call them if he didn't get some answers and get off the property.  That small threat set Jim's Paranoia Meter off the charts.  Jim yelled back at the man, "I've been stabbed.  Just leave me alone.  I'll be fine.  I'm just bleeding."  None of this was true but I asked Jim why he would tell them he had been stabbed.  "I don't know man, I was flippin' out and I remember the cops were looking for someone who had been stabbed.  Dammit, I don't know, I was high and drunk man.  You say stupid sh*t when you're both." 
The potential of a stabbing victim laying in your backyard and possibly bleeding out is not a very ideal situation for a property owner.  So, the man told Jim to stay put and he was going to call someone for him.  Most people at this point would've probably waited for the man to turn around and then make a run for it or try to talk their way out of the situation, but not Jim.  Jim's mind was in another dimension at the moment, filled with fear and paranoia.  Jim saw his only viable option was to yell "f*ck you!!" and jump, fully clothed, into the dark lake.
According to the man, when he was interviewed by the police that showed up a few minutes later, he never saw the inebriated man surface after jumping into the water and assumed he had drowned.  Well apparently for Jim, being stoned, drunk, and scared makes him have the super power of swimming really fast underwater without much air.  Jim made his way to the docks close to the marina.  He looked around to make sure no one was around before climbing out of the water.  Once he was on the docks, he assessed his situation:  He was soaking wet, the cops were now definitely looking for him, and he lost his shoes along the way.  Jim could see from where he was sitting the blue & red lights flashing off in the distance, he knew that he had to hide.
Jim has always had a unique way of thinking; he looks at situations differently than a lot of people.  Another person in this type of situation may have kept on moving to get as far away as possible from this situation, maybe even make a break for it to their car but not Jim.  Jim saw an opportunity at those docks and took a huge risk.  He noticed several of the boats had those tight, Snap-On, pull over covers on them.  So, Jim found the nicest, roomiest one that he could quickly hop in to, undid the snaps, and wiggled his way under the cover and into the boat.  There was not enough room in the boat to stand up, so he made himself a pillow of life jackets and laid down to wait out the cop situation.  I guess the life-jacket pillow was more comfortable than it sounds because Jim fell dead asleep in the stranger's boat. 
The next morning he was awoken by the sounds of people on the docks and by the sunlight trying to shine through the cover of the boat.  He figured it was time to bail; there was no way that the cops were still looking for him, right?  But just to be careful, he opened up a small corner of the cover to peak out and see if all was clear.  He figured he would see a pedestrian or two on their way to their boat for a day of fishing and fun, and he figured he could talk his way around that if he needed to, but what he saw instead was something there was no way he was talking himself out of.  Through his tiny hole he saw police everywhere around the dock, a helicopter hovering above, and two police dogs.  "Holy sh*t" he thought.  What could he do?  Well, nothing really, he decided that it would be best to button the cover back on, lay down on his life-jacket pillow, and go back to sleep.
The police called off their search around 1pm that day after dragging the bottom of the lake and finding nothing but a pair of shoes.  They theorized that perhaps he floated down stream or perhaps didn't drown after all, but they said if anyone had any additional, helpful information to please call them. 
Going back to sleep, although potentially dangerous because of the chance that the boat owners could've shown up at any time that day, was actually a good move on Jim's part.  He woke up around sundown, peaked his head out again, and saw no more cops, no more dogs, and no more helicopter.  He climbed out, still slightly wet, sweating, and stinking like a corpse and made his way to a phone.  The person working at the marina was kind enough to allow him to make a call for someone to pick him up.  Jim offered no explanation to the marina worker, but then again they didn't ask either. 
Once he got home, he called Dickie to let him know that he made it home.  "Oh my God, we all thought you were dead.  The cops were out at the marina all day looking for your body, they said a drunk guy had drowned." Dickie told him.  Jim told him the whole story and asked if the cops were still looking for him.  Dickie told him that he needed to call them and tell them he was okay, he assured him that the cops didn't know who he was, and they just were looking for the body of a drunk, drowned man but had no name to go with it. 
Jim didn't see any reason to tell the cops his name for see his home number.  So he drove to a pay phone (yes those still exist) and made the following call:

911 operator:  911, what is your emergency?
Jim:  Uhh, yeah.  You know that guy you all are looking for that you thought had drowned last night?
911 operator:  Yes sir, do you have information on this?
Jim:  Yeah, tell them that I am fine and they can quit looking for me, I didn't drown.  (click)

He hung up, mission accomplished.  The newspaper never published a follow up; the evening news never said another word about it.  We just assume that some things are better left unsaid to the media, save a little embarrassment.  But as for me, I thought it was funny enough to share and just leave the names of the guilty as a mystery. 

*Note:  If you think you have figured out who "Jim" or "Dickie" are, please don't call them out on it.  You can send me an e-mail with your theories as to who it is but don't do it publicly.