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| Save time and vow to have no resolutions |
Every year I really want to make some New Year’s resolutions. Sometime I even attempt to keep them. But each year without fail…I fail. Last year I vowed to get out of debt, lose 40 lbs., become successful, and get a new car. The results from those resolutions? We are actually in more debt than we were at the beginning of the year, I lost 20, then gained 15, lost 10, and gained 5 lbs. over the course of the last 12 months, I’m only successful in mediocrity, and I still drive a 2001 shit wagon deluxe Ford Explorer that doesn’t have operating rear doors, it starts without a key if you flip the headlights on just right, all the electronic displays are non-functional, and I’m never sure how much gas I have because it will jump from full to dead empty in a moment’s notice. My resolutions did not work out. I looked at some lists that were published today of people’s top New Year’s resolutions and although I can’t reach my own goals, I can point out the flaws in others and perhaps make them a little more realistic.
1. Losing Weight
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| The quadruple Bacon Egg Xtra Cheeseburger will get you everytime. |
Here is why losing weight rarely ever works out. First, if you are already fat then there is a reason for it; you love food!! No matter how much you desire to be thinner, you can’t eliminate the fact that bacon cheeseburgers are yummy. Sure laziness can counteract some of the garbage you eat but doing some jumping jacks isn’t going to burn off that Chocolate-covered Strawberry Cheesecake Bacon & Waffle Sundae. You can probably resist temptation from all the goodies until February 1st, but late one night you won’t feel like getting up and mixing together a Kale & Cucumber Protein shake. You’ll want something simple. So you start looking through your fridge and what do you see? Oh, it looks like you forgot to throw away that tube of Nestle Toll House cookie dough!! “Mmmm, I’ve been so good so far. What will just one bite hurt?” you think to yourself. Next thing you know, you’ve ate the entire tube of cookie dough and when you wake up the next morning you stop at McDonald’s on the way to work and get the 2 for $3 Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuits. You’ve blown you diet and you just say to hell with it at that point. So if you are a fat person then you have to really commit yourself to hitting the gym…like every day…for 2 hours or more. Even at that you probably will still struggle but at least you’ll be maintaining your weight after you hit that wall in February.
The second big reason why losing weight doesn’t work out is even simpler and easily fixed. A huge portion of the people vowing to lose weight for the New Years are already as fit and skinny as the hypothetical love child of David Beckham and Pink. Of course you freaks aren’t going to lose weight!! Your body fat percentage is at 1.5% and an elephant could do Pilates on your ripped abs. If you are one of these people that already look like a Greek god carved in marble, then you are one of the people that everyone wants to punch in the face when we hear your resolution about “losing a few pounds around my inner thigh”. Shut up, you attention whores!! You already know that you look good because we all see you checking yourself out in front of every mirror that you pass. You only say ridiculous things about your weight just so you can extract a compliment from one of your friends. You making the resolution to lose weight not only annoys all of your friends but sets up disappointing yourself because it is so irrational to believe that your 105 lb. frame could really stand to lose another ounce.
2. Quitting Smoking
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| Do you think he's ready to quit? Nope, many, many years of productive smoking ahead with him. |
Every smoker I’ve ever known in my entire life has vowed to quit smoking every single damn New Year. And do you wanna know how many actually do quit? 0.000009% (this one guy from 1998 stopped for almost 6 months once). It’s popular to think that you can start off the New Year with a fresh start and be a clean living citizen but chances are it’s not happening. Most people who smoke and actually do quit didn’t do it on a vow that they made at some random New Year’s Eve party. No, they had to find the time in their life that they were actually ready to do it. They may have had a bad doctor’s appointment or they could’ve noticed that walking down the steps in the morning feels like running a marathon across the plains of Africa or they could’ve coughed up something that looked like the contents of a 5 day old condom used by a needle junkie with hepatitis a through z. But making a commitment to quit based on some arbitrary holiday where they feel obligated to quit probably isn’t going to make for a success story. The first time they are around someone smoking they are going to feel that urge, smell that aroma of sweet Virginia tobacco, and think how delicious a cigarette would taste right then. They may not give in at first but after this happens 4 or 5 times, they are probably going to give in. I wouldn’t suggest making that vow this year unless you absolutely mean it and it’s the right time of your life to do it. Don’t set yourself up for disappointing yourself and having to explain to everyone that was at the party with you that gave in. And if you do try, quit for a bit, and then go back to it, don’t take any crap from all the naysayers. Chances are they are one of those people who’ve never smoked in their entire lives and have ZERO idea on how hard it is to quit. When they ask you why you are smoking with their disapproving tone and smartass smirk just blow a big puff in their face and walk away.
3. Get out of Debt
Debt is a hard one to tackle. When I turned 18, Visa offered me a credit card with a $500 line on it. “Free money!!” I thought because my parents never really used credit cards and thus never really explained it to me. I had that $500 spent within something like 48 hours and then put the card in my wallet and forgot about it. “All the free money is gone” I thought, but 28 days later I got a bill for the $500 and a minimum payment of $20. I knew I could handle $20, so I sent them the money but the next month my bill said something like $507. “What the hell? I just paid them $20, why isn’t it $480?” And thus I learned all about interest. I’m sure many people have a similar story because creditors love to get their hooks in early. Although we all know how dangerous credit cards are, we still love to use them. We love credit cards and “special financing” options. We are suckers for these after Christmas sales where the furniture store is offering zero interest for 6 months. We all want; want, want and many of us don’t have the patience to wait until we can actually buy it outright.
All of this is what makes getting out of debt so hard. You keep spending money every month to pay off the cards but then you see a nice new La-Z-Boy with 0% for 90 days and you get sucked in. If you are already in debt (which statistically you probably are) then I think there are only a few impractical solutions to your problem.
a. Cut and then set fire to all of your cards. Then erase all of the data in your computer containing your information. And then move to an unspecified location in North Dakota without a forwarding address. And never get online again.
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| Do you really think this guy has any credit card debt? |
b. Grow all of your food and eat road kill. Get back to nature by living in your tent and becoming a survivalist. You can grow your wheat grass and kill bunnies to sustain the minimum nutrition to stay alive. You will have to hand craft all of your furniture and since you live in a tent, it won’t take much. Get four sticks and a flat rock to make a chair and pile up leaves and garbage for your bed. You will be spending zero cash and thus you can now afford to pay off all of those pesky credit cards.
c. Become rich and famous. Once you become rich and famous, hire a money manager to make sure that you don’t spend beyond your means. As long as you filthy, obscenely rich you can pay off everything that you’ve ever owed because you will be making $12 million per role in each of the crappy romantic comedies you star in.
These are the only three ways to get out of debt. Accept no other alternatives, and don’t pussy out and say that you can’t live in the wilderness. You can if you want out of debt bad enough.
I don’t know what my resolutions are for this year. I just hope that it will be a good one. I’m going to kick it up on the writing, finally get the podcast going, try to be a decent person, and make my own way. If not you can find me in a tent eating worms somewhere in the wilderness of North Dakota. But keep in mind, it may not matter at all because we are all going to die on December 21, 2012, so smoke em if you got em!!
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