Dr. Sleepy's Random Advice: Christmas Edition

How I feel after doing the whole holiday
thing with both families.  A nice drink & piss
in my pants.

I decided to make this week’s random advice column a holiday themed one.  We are all seemingly embroiled in constant family get-togethers, countless present openings, and tons of caloric atomic bombs of feasts.  We all paint a pretty picture but holidays are never without a bit of familial drama.  We all grin with the holiday gun pointed at our heads. I was given questions and I am now supplying answers with my infinite wisdom.  Happy holidays you chaos loving freaks!!

My wife and I have what seems to be an annual argument about how to do Christmas with our families.  My family has typically always done Christmas on the 24^th and her family does as well…both at the same exact time.  We get sh*t from each side of our families every year because we always cut one short and come late to the other.  I can’t stand it and since our families kind of hate each other neither side is willing to budge on adjusting times.  What are we supposed to do?

This is exactly what its like when you
try to mix in-laws. 

I can relate.  It gets complicated especially if you have kids which I’m not sure if you do.  Here’s the thing, you are always going to piss off your families; its science.  It’s kind of like lions and gazelles.  Sure they can coexist in the same area for a certain time but sooner or later the lion is going to jump on that gazelle and eat that little bastard.  Well, this is like family.  You can get along for a while but someone is going to eventually get their head bit off.  You will never be able to please either side.  Her parents are probably always going to secretly or openly blame you for ruining their Christmas tradition with their precious daughter and they will never believe, no matter what you do, that you are good enough.  We have tried several different approaches over the years.  We have gone to one and skipped the other, we have tried splitting the evening, and we even tried combining the two one year (I can’t recommend this to anyone unless both sides LOVE each other, which as we all know never happens). Trying to combine families can be like putting the Westboro Church people in San Francisco during a gay pride parade. Nothing truly works; you just have to accept it.  So here are some basic rules as to how to handle it.

·         Figure out which side of the family you are getting along with and go there.  Chances are since both sets of parents don’t like each other then you are probably feuding with one of them.  Go to the side that things are cool with, it will cut down on all that stupid drama.

·         If you want to try to split it then get to one of them early that way they can’t complain that you haven’t visited long enough.  This will still piss them both off but it will be a little less since it’s equal.

·         You can cut down on the whole thing, especially if you have no kids, by skipping them both and going on a nice vacation.  It’s Christmas, why be miserable with family fighting? 

·         Flip a coin.  Play paper, rock, scissors.  Draw straws.  Pick a number.  Because you are screwed anyway.

We have two kids, one from a previous relationship and another together.  I am the stepdad, but for all intents and purposes I’m the dad.  I’ve been around most of her life.  Her parents love and worship the ground that my step-daughter walks on.  She is showered with expensive gifts, special privileges, and constant affection.  The child that we have together...ehh, not so much.  They seem to like him okay but treat him much differently.  Each year they fight to keep her on all special holidays and fight to keep her away from my family holiday functions.  They tell my wife that she has no real business with my family since she is not technically blood related.  It’s getting old and after 3 years I’m really getting fed up with the whole thing.  What do you think?

Send the grandparents adorable pictures
like this with a note attached:  Haha I bet
you wish you could do this again, huh?

Blood relation is one of the most retarded, irrelevant, and outdated arguments I’ve ever heard.  In the times that we live in a huge percentage of families are mixed.  People are always bringing kids into new relationships/marriages.  None of us can keep it together.  However, many in our parents’ generation can’t seem to grasp this and get hung up on “blood”.  A kid is a kid and if you and your mate are together whether married or otherwise you’ve got to tell the parents to get over it.  Arguing over blood sounds so archaic, it’s like a King in medieval England checking the lineage of his first born.  My family is a mixed one as well.  I have a son from a previous relationship and he lives with us.  My wife and I also have two of our own.  I know that it can be a mess because we have the fight with family all of the time.  Each side has their favorites and each kid gets treated a little differently; sometimes very blatantly and others oh so subtly.  I have found through the years that sometimes you just have to be an asshole.  You have to tell the grandparents that the kids are a package deal.  It’s like buying a package of hot dogs; you don’t get one without the others.  Blood be damned, they are your kids and if they choose to exclude the boy then tell them, in whatever manner you choose, to screw themselves.  I can’t honestly say that it will ever get better because even after like 8 years we still struggle.  I guess it’s all dependent on the person or persons that you are dealing with.  Some people are just old fashioned and set in their ways with “family values” which to me is just another way of saying “retarded, backwards, narrow-minded, ass clowns”.  If they fall under this category, then good luck.  You still have to set some boundaries and try because you don’t want your kids to grow up thinking that they are better than one another or resentful towards you or your parents.  If they can’t get the retarded notion of “blood is blood” out of their heads then you just have to cut them off.  Think of it as grounding the grandparents.  I don’t care how old they are; if you deny them something that they love and want then just like a kid they will give in eventually.  It may not last on a permanent basis but it works to do it every now and then.  After a good month of “grounding grandparents” they will be begging to keep both of the kids at least for a while.  As far as the holidays go, I look at it this way.  It is your little family and you get to choose what to do with it.  No one gets to tell you where you go, where you take your family, or what to do.  You are a grown ass human being and it’s all a power trip.  If you give into their dipshit demands then they will never respect you, they will look at you as a push over pansy and will always try to tell you what to do with their granddaughter. 

I’ve been dating a girl now for about 4 months and now its Christmas time which means gift time.  I’m going to buy her something but I don’t know how far out I should go.  Should I get her some jewelry?  Or do I go more small scale and maybe get a DVD or a gift card?  I don’t know where the relationship is going but I’d like for it go far.  She is from a wealthy family, so that’s the reason I’m tripping out on what to buy.

For that not so special lady.

First, don’t buy a girl you’ve only been dating for 4 months any jewelry.  Do you know how high that will place future expectations on you?  Think about it.  If you buy her a necklace this year after only 4 months, what is she going to want next year?  I’ll tell you what; a ring.  A ring with diamonds in it, with a big fat one on top in the shape of a solitaire and surrounded with platinum and attached to a lifelong commitment.  If you start out big you will be expected to stay big and get bigger every year for the rest of your time with this girl.  If you can afford this type of thing and that’s the route you are comfortable with then more power to you.  But if you are sensible man, then you will start small.  A gift at this juncture of a relationship should be something that says you’re thoughtful and practical, don’t be a cheap bastard but don’t blow your entire paycheck.  Go with something that you know for sure that she is into, like something to do with you.  Take her on a little weekend trip, go on some big date thing, or as Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg suggest, put your dick in a box.  (Warning:  The Dick in the Box should be reserved for girls that you don’t plan on dating much further than the New Year…or that night for that matter.)  No matter what it is just remember that you are setting a standard and a set of expectations with this girl so choose wisely.   Now you did say that this is someone that you’d like to see into the future, right?  Well, I don’t know anything about her and frankly I have a hard time remembering what it was like to date.  But 4 months in and you are seeing a future?  Really?  I figured 6 months would be the bare minimum for eliminating your bachelorhood.  I do have to add that if we were still in high school or college, I would suggest an entirely different route.  You would have to break up with that person for the holidays, citing some reason like “I need some time to find myself” or “I don’t want to hurt you, I have to figure out what I want”  And when the holiday was over, you would get back together, if you choose, and resume your relationship.  It was a money saving thing, nothing personal.  I know that almost every guy that I know pulled this at one point or another, but now that we are “adults” we no longer have that luxury because women caught on to what we were doing, you cheap bastard.