I like to consider myself a man with common sense, a man who is full of opinions wrapped with logic, and a man who has dealt with a lot of different human relationships in life. Thus I have given myself the title of Doctor of the Human Condition and Common Sense; and lucky for everyone I am here to help. I get a lot of people asking me for advice all of the time about relationships and life in general. I feel that I give sound, honest answers to those who ask and decided that it might be entertaining to have a weekly column dedicated to me answering some questions of my friends and readers. So yesterday I announced my decision and asked that anyone who may have a question to submit it to me and I’d do my first column and see how it goes. I got several submissions and picked the three most interesting ones or as I would say the three that I could riff and rant on the most. People need an alternative to Dear Abby and other people who are too soft and don’t know what they are talking about, because I’m a professional and I would never lie to you.
First Question:
Ok, so is there such a thing as a plutonic relationship? My husband says “no” that one or another always wants more. What do you think?
Platonic relationships, in general, are a myth. There are a few mitigating circumstances that can sway it into a real possibility but generally speaking, “No, they do not exist.” If a guy is single and he is friends with a single lady, he is investing his time in the hopes that one day when the lady is feeling vulnerable or drunk that he can hook up with her. I would venture a guess that this is true 99.99% of the time. No single guy is going to listen to all of a girl’s problems, hopes, and dreams endlessly without some ulterior motive. I had “platonic” girl friends when I was younger and I always had them as a “just in case” scenario. For instance, I had one friend who I had from the beginning of freshman year in high school until the day we graduated. I listened to all of her relationship problems, I heard her sex stories, we hung out and it was all well and good but ultimately I wanted to know that I had this girl as a backup. I liked hanging out with her and I dated several girls over the course of high school but I always wanted to keep her and most of the time it was not a big deal. But when I would go through a dry spell, I would ultimately look to her in the hopes that we could hook up. I later found out that I was the same thing to her. We never had to actually break that proverbial “emergency glass” and hook up but we always had it in the back of our minds that it could be a possibility. Almost all of my guy friends had similar situations at different points in their lives. The downside of this is when a girl just really wants to be friends with a guy and he wants more eventually. The guy is putting in all of this work and little does he know that the girl has zero interest. I had a couple of those too. Here are the rules for platonic relationships along with their exceptions:
· A married guy and a married female can be platonic friends although its probably not a good idea because everyone always assumes that they are sleeping together. But really most of the time its harmless.
· A gay man/woman can be friends with a straight man/woman and there should really be no problem unless the straight person has those curious tendencies and could be pushed over the edge with a little encouragement. The only way other way that this doesn’t work is if they are both of the same sex and the gay friend wants the straight friend, then you have the same ulterior, time wasting scenario as the two straight, opposite sex friends.
· A straight single guy and a straight single girl can never be truly platonic…EVER. One or the other ALWAYS wants more. It’s not speculation; it’s just the way it is. The guy is always imagining what the girl would look like naked and on top of him or the girl will always imagine what a great boyfriend he would make.
· A lesbian and a straight guy will always be platonic just as a gay man and a straight woman will always be platonic. Unless the straight people think they can “change” them, in this case they are simply retarded.
· A married person can never be a platonic friend to a single straight person or at least they shouldn’t be. It will always end badly; I’ve seen it too many times.
These are the rules. I can’t help it, but we are all sexual human beings and this is the way we are wired.
Dusty, I’ve been talking to this new girl. She is really good looking, she has a job, and we really get along well. The problem is, she has three kids from a previous relationship and she used to date one of my other friends. Should I pursue it or just move on?
I’m getting ready to sound like an insensitive prick but it’s what needs to be said. You are a single guy. All of us married guys secretly are envious of you. You have freedom to get up and pretty much do as you please. You have no responsibility to a wife or children. You are accountable only to yourself. If you want to go to a bar, drink all night, and take home a stranger, you can. There is virtually nothing stopping you. If you get into a relationship with a woman who has THREE kids then you can kiss all of that goodbye. It sounds harsh but as a single guy with no children you should never get in a relationship with a woman that has any more than ONE child and that’s a push. A freewheeling guy such as yourself reserves the right to be picky, you don’t have to settle. A girl with kids (especially more than 2) will inevitably have issues with the father guy which if you are with her means that you will have issues with the sperm donor person. I don’t care if she says that her and the ex get along great, shit can fall apart at any moment. My ex and I get along now but there was a patch of time that we fought with every ounce of hatred in our bodies; shit changes. And also you’ve got to think of it this way. What if the kids hate you and are spiteful because “you’re not my REAL dad!!” while sticking their tongues out at you and kicking you in the shins? That’s a pretty plausible situation. You might say, “Well what if the kids are really cool and nice?” I say, “What kids are cool enough to alter your entire life for?” Kids are cool but the great part of other people’s kids is that you don’t have to take them home with you. But back to the prime choice area of this discussion, you have the ability to pick and choose the girls. If a girl has a lazy eye and buck teeth but has a great personality, you don’t have to settle. Move on to the next one. I know the area you live in (Tri-Cities) is a limited pond of female fish but that’s why you might want to branch out. Knoxville’s not that far, Roanoke isn’t that far, expand your horizons and don’t get tied down to a girl that not only has her own baggage, but also the baggage of three kids that will probably hate you. There are millions of fish out there that don’t have a bunch of small fish following them around, be a fisherman like Patrice O’Neal would want you to be. Also as far as her dating your buddy before you, as part of “man-code” you must get clearance from him or at least let him know that you’re going to do something with this chick whether he likes it or not. You can’t lead him around blindly. You’re man card could be revoked otherwise.
And now probably my favorite submission and the one I saved for last:
My husband claims that masturbation ("slapping the ham"), for guys, is unavoidable. He says and quote "it's something that just has to be done." (Like it's the fucking laundry or something.) I called bullshit on that, because I don't have to do it and would much rather have sex, because it's way more fun. And he claims that is because I'm a woman and I work differently. I tell him because it's a perfectly good waste of a hard member, and it makes me feel a little insulted if he does it when I'm around. He says I'm silly and so on and so forth. We have this conversation like three or four times a year.
My husband claims that masturbation ("slapping the ham"), for guys, is unavoidable. He says and quote "it's something that just has to be done." (Like it's the fucking laundry or something.) I called bullshit on that, because I don't have to do it and would much rather have sex, because it's way more fun. And he claims that is because I'm a woman and I work differently. I tell him because it's a perfectly good waste of a hard member, and it makes me feel a little insulted if he does it when I'm around. He says I'm silly and so on and so forth. We have this conversation like three or four times a year.
Dear sweet, sweet, lady reader and friend. Your husband is 100% correct. Jerking off is something that is pretty much mandatory as a man. If a guy says otherwise or claims that he doesn’t do it he is a filthy liar. A lying liar telling lies. Spanking the monkey is kind of like a maintenance tool, like taking vitamins, or working out. We have to get all of the extra testosterone out of our bodies, otherwise we will be too tense. If you ever see a guy who is wound up, angry, and uptight then that means there is a good chance that he has kept his loads in a little too long. Of course, we would always prefer sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow, but it’s not always practical or available. Don’t feel insulted if your guy beats off even if you are around. It just means that he thinks you might not want to have sex, he might need to relieve some quick tension and get shit done, or he could be bored. Either way you look at, even if he has beat off twice that day, it doesn’t mean he still won’t have sex with you. I don’t know any male at our age range that has ever declined sex when it was reasonable. So don’t take it personally, it is like he said something that has to be done and yeah it is kind of like laundry, it’s maintenance for the male body.
If anyone wants to submit a question for next week, please send me a Facebook message or e-mail me at dustyelliott95@yahoo.com.
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