What the F@%K are We Listening To?

The title says it all but let me elaborate because just having a title would make for a pretty boring post.  My wife, who is not yet a seasoned, grizzled thirtysomething, went out dancing with some friends the other night.  It was her first time in something like two years and I didn't mind because if you ever saw me back in the late 90's/early 2000's then you know that I can't dance.  When you are almost 6'3 all of your "moves" seem to be accentuated and exaggerated, so when it is bad it is terrible.  I'm not one to let my own shortcomings prevent others from enjoying themselves so when she was invited by some friends I saw it as an opportunity to have some XBox/Netflix time to myself.  After a couple of hours, Katie (the wife lady) came home very distressed.  I didn't know what to think initially (possible roofie, overpriced drinks, skanks) but I just let her talk.  "I'm old." she said, "I don't know what the hell that music was and I don't know what kind of dancing that could possibly be."  She went on to tell me of a new dance or something called "the Clap" which, to the best of her understanding, included one girl in the middle of a circle shaking her ass while everyone in the circle of humans claps their hands in a "alligator-like" motion and tells the girl in the middle that they are giving her "the Clap".  When Katie heard this, she asked these 18-21 year olds why they were encouraging each other to get gonorrhea.  None of them knew what that meant.  All of this made me think, "What kind of music are we (not me) listening to today?  What sort of musical abortions are being pushed into the earholes of our youth?  Is there anything I can do to stop this tragedy?" 

I searched through the Billboard Hot 100 chart to find out what people are listening to and to hopefully try to help remedy it.  I picked out a few songs that could possibly lead to uncontrolable vomiting, violent bleeding from the ears, and spontaneous bowel release and then made an alternate suggestion.  My alternate suggestions are songs that are markedly better but in the same style or theme of the vomit-inducing song.  I see no need for people, in particular our youth, to be listening to songs that cause spastic bowels when there is so much out there.  The youth represents our future and we can't have them thinking Nicki Minaj is as talented as Aretha Franklin or that Lady Gaga is Madonna. 


Nicki Minaj - Va Va Voom

I don't necessarily mean to pick on this cartoon character but after listening to a couple of her songs, she deserves it.  This one in particular was my pick for best worst song of hers, but then again I only listened to three songs so I don't have a large pool to choose from.  (I'm sure there are worse, feel free to let me know)  Ok, so the quick break down on this song is that she is hanging out at different clubs looking for married guys that she can take home, make a sex tape with, and hopefully change their minds about being married.  No really, I read the lyrics to make sure.  I'm not judging, I don't care what she sings about really but it's the fact that it is sounds so preposterous and overproduced.  The singing parts sound overly autotuned but not in that obvious T-Pain style but rather in the way that you say, "Bet she doesn't sound like that live."  The rap parts are childish, if a child was trying to pick up a married man in a bar.  When she can't rhyme two words, she just makes a sound at the end of the second word to make it rhyme.  So if you are looking for a rap song about random sex and cheating (in which there are literally thousands) might I recommend instead....Naughty By Nature's  "O.P.P."

Sure there are the aforementioned thousands of rap songs about cheating and infidelity but none of them celebrated it quite like Naughty by Nature.  What they did was actually make a clear, catchy song that got the point across just as hard as Ms. Minaj but they included everyone in the equation and made it sound okay and like a party.  Women could cheat, men could cheat, and as long as everyone wore a condom then everything would be fine.  Another thing about this song is this, "Do you think anyone will remember Minaj's "Va Va Voom" in 20 years?  Nope, but everyone remembers "O.P.P."

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

I'm not necessarily saying that this is a bad break up song but I am saying that she has built an entire career off of break up songs.  It has continually blown my mind that everyone keeps falling all over her songs.  You hear jokes about it on all the late night shows, the comedy podcasts, the panel shows, and entertainment blogs but yet still girls love her.  Why?  There are far more awesome break-up songs out there that can equally get your point across.  For this one I wanted to list more than one but I went with one that I still feel is one of the biggest burns ever dropped on an album and I'm a little ashamed to admit it....Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me a River"

I know there are more classic ones than this but for me this one was personal.  I haven't always been married and I lived with a girl for a few years in my early 20's and even created a child with her.  We are cool now but when we broke up back in the day, I listened to the shit out of this song.  It said everything I wanted to say to her.  And that's what I think makes for a good break-up song, it should convey all of your feelings and you should believe the singer means every damn word of it.  I just don't feel like Taylor Swift has been in a relationship long enough to even write a heartfelt song, so I disqualify her until she has a boyfriend for more than 6 months.  I'm not posting the videos for some of the others but I will list them with links because they are too good not to and they put Taylor Swift to shame.  In no particular order, Cee Lo - "Fuck You" , Cake - "I Will Survive" , and here is a list of the top 50, in which none of them are Taylor Swift songs, here. 

Fun. - We Are Young

I don't completely hate this song but I feel like they are kind of like a dramatic pseudo-boy band who listened to a lot of Queen.  This isn't necessarily a terrible song, it's really okay the first time or two that you hear it but then you hear it for the 427th time and it really irritates you and you start to make that connection that they are trying to fool you into liking them.  You won't immediately start bleeding from the ears but if you listen too much or too long you just might.  Instead, might I suggest that you listen to what they listened to and see which one you like better.  Queen had a lot of great songs but probably none more dramatic (Fun.) than "Bohemian Rhapsody".  Compare and contrast, if you will. 

I understand that they are completely different songs but the flare for the dramatic is definitely present and not only in this one Fun. song.  I checked out others and it seems to be a theme.  It's fine but I would rather go with Queen or maybe Pink Floyd.









will.i.am featuring Britney Spears - Scream & Shout

 I know that you think I'm getting ready to pick on Britney Spears don't you?  Well, a little but this venom is aimed more at will.i.am.  He is quite possibly the least talented, most annoying, most overexposed, bowel-twitching, pile of talentless shit that we have in American music now.  Need proof?  Ok, take out the little catchy beat of this song and listen to the words.  Or if you want to save your ears, I'll give you some of the super clever, well thought out lyrics ever put to paper that took will.i.am plus two other writers to come up with: 


"I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh
I wanna scream and shout and let it all out
And scream and shout and let it out
We sayin' oh we oh we oh we oh"

Yeah, it took a total of three writers to make that.  And yes, he is correct, I do want to scream and shout...in pain.  I imagine that this song is being played right now in an underground secret military bunker ran by the CIA holding terrorists in windowless cells in pitch darkness on cold wet concrete floors.  It is being pumped into their cells as punishment.  It is being used to break their will.  will.i.am might be the most important figure in the CIA.  Who knows the countless numbers of terrorists he has broken with his shitty music?  Thanks Willy, glad you are good for something.  My only stab at Britney is this, "Dear Britney, you are a hillbilly and no one is fooled by that terrible British accent."

If you are wanting to listen to a good collaboration between a rapper and a lady singer, I can give you better.  Hell, I imagine if Helen Keller were still alive she find you a better collabrotive song. However, I picked "Stan" by Eminem and Dido.  Listen to "Scream and Shout" and "Stan" back to back and I promise you will cry in sadness thinking about how will.i.am is so popular. 







I'm not shitting on all of modern music because there great bands and singers like the Black Keys, The Lumineers, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine, and many, many others.  But there are far too many terrible "artists" out there raping the music industry and sodomizing the ears of impressionable teens and early 20-somethings.  Please put a stop to it, and listen to something great today in protest.