Eating Corn Flakes, Happy Bert Day, and DMX Christmas Carols

After the past couple of days, I would like to take a positive turn and bring some smiles.  Too much negativity makes my ass itch and gets a large portion of the Model City angry at me.  It's 2 a.m. but it doesn't matter, I can't leave my site and Facebook with so much hopeless negativity.  Finding the time to write out stuff has proved a bit more difficult than I thought, hence the reason I'm sitting alone in the dark at 2 in the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping.  Is this the life I want?  Do I really want to be a vampire staying up all night and waking up the next day scrubbing sleepy things out of my eyes while my head feels like it is being trounced upon by the Westboro Baptist Church at an Elton John concert all the while trying to keep it together and getting all my other grown up duties done?  Yeah, pretty much.  I don't like my current station in life of just getting by.  I don't want to look back in ten years and go "Dammit!!!  I wish I would've done something else!!!" and hating my own guts day in and day out.....Oh wait, this was supposed to be a positive blog.  Full of happiness and puppies and flowers, right?  Well, I don't have any of that crap but we will look into how Kellogs was intended to stop masturbation, the great Bert Kreischer, and to close it out I've got DMX singing a Christmas song. 

Kellogg's Was Meant to Stop Masturbation

This was the original and unpopular Kellogg's slogan

I found this article (which you can click on just above this) and I haven't stopped laughing since.  I've always known that Corn Flakes were bland, boring, nearly tasteless flakes but I never noticed until this article that I've never once gotten aroused or been turned on while eating them.  John Harvey Kellogg, the creator of the Corn Flake, would be elated to hear this news.  You see, Kellogg was an avid anti-sex advocate.  An extremist if you will.  Just think about how terrorists hate freedom and that's how Kellogg felt about sex.  He believed that sex with a woman would dirty and cloud one's mind and that masturbating was about a million times worse.  Just like any devoted Jihadist terrorist is committed to his ideas, he was so committed to his ideas that he never once had sex with his wife, not even on the wedding night.  The children he had were all adopted, so he could avoid the whole dirty "procreation" thing.  My question for him would be, "Where the hell do you think you came from?"  But I think if we were able to travel back in time we would find the real answer to his hatred of sex:  micro-baby-dick.  Anyhow, so Kellogg had a theory, he believed that food like meat and other stuff that had flavor worked as an aphrodisiac and in order for people to not be horny and eating delicious foods he created one of the most tasteless cereals of all time.  He had some other wonderfully crazy ideas as well that you can read in the above link.  Next time you are enjoying (or more likely, simply eating) Kellogg's Corn Flakes, remember that they would never be here if it wasn't for a man with a tiny penis. 

Happy Bert Day!!!  7 Hours of Bert Kreischer

Today, or most likely yesterday if you are a normal human being reading this, I was excited and elated to see when I went to my Stitcher app on my iPhone that Bert Kreischer was on two different podcasts, his own Bertcast and the epic 5 hour and change Joe Rogan Experience.  What did this mean for me?  No boredom as I went about my day doing all the tedious crap that I normally do.  If you don't know you Bert is the best way I know how to introduce him is with a short 10 minute video.  This tells his famous "The Machine" story and is illustrated "South Park" style.  I've recommend this video and this guy to countless people but I still feel like not enough people know about him.  He has the kind of laugh that automatically sets you into laughter, he has the most amazing stories, and if you've ever seen the movie Van Wilder, that shit is about him.  At one time he was voted America's Number One Party Animal and was on the cover of Rolling Stone.  Anyway, I was able to listen to about 4 hours of Bert today while doing all of my grown up activities and my stomach hurts from laughing so much.  You can go to iTunes and download the episodes for free to your iPhone, iPod, or iWhatever.  Or you can click on the links from earlier.  It's a lot more interesting to listen to while doing boring shit than your own sad thoughts.

Finally, DMX Sings "Rudolph"

I found this one while scrolling through Facebook today and I have laughed all ten times that I've watched it.  Words can not really do it justice but just imagine all the classic Ruff Ryder barking along with a cheerful song about a deer.











I kept this one short but I'll have more on later when my eyes don't feel like they are going to fall out of my head.  As always, if you love me or hate me, you can follow me on Facebook at Grumpy Cynical Thirtysomething and tell me just how you feel.